On the flip side, super-superpowers don’t a great villain make. The Molecule Man, an (unfortunately) recurring antagonist of the Fantastic Four, had complete control over all matter. Wow! How awesome! But that didn’t change the fact that he carried around a magic wand and had lightning bolts tattooed on his face.
Sometimes, though, there is the perfect storm of crappiness. Sometimes, a lame villain is paired with equally lame superpowers. As Exhibit A, I give you: Stiltman!
Sorry, that’s actually NBA legend Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain. Let’s try that again. As Exhibit A, I give you: Stiltman!
Well, that’s more correct, if not necessarily “better.” Stiltman had the power to shoot ice cubes from his eyes. No, wait, he had stilts! Adjustable stilts, I’ve read all of Stiltman’s exploits, and I’m still not quite sure what advantage the stilts gave him. I’ve made a list of crimes that having stilts would help you with:
-You could rob a bank and put the money on a very tall shelf, so no one could get it back
-You could join a rec-league basketball team and block everyone’s shots
-You could drop stuff like eggs or bullets on people’s heads
-You could steal kittens and put them in trees
Beyond that I draw a blank. So did Stiltman, it seems, because he his “crimes” were really more nuisances then actual crimes.
I’m also not sure about Stiltman’s origins. What drove him to a life of elevated crime? Was he perhaps a stilt manufacturer whose family left him because of his obsession with stilts? Was he a mad scientist who accidentally fused his body with a pair of stilts, a la “The Fly”?
That last one might be true. As far as I know, Stiltman never removed his stilts, probably because if he did he would have just been “Man.” Then again, it’s hard to imagine Stiltman kickin’ off the stilts and heading out to party in
“So, what do you do for a living, Jim?”
“Well, I like to strap on stilts and stomp around the city wreaking mild havoc.”
“Really? Me, I’m an cab driver, but I always wanted to be a poet.”
How pathetic was Stiltman? So pathetic that he had to fight Daredevil. Daredevil! A hero so lame that even Ben Affleck was too embarrassed to play him more than once. Daredevil got the dregs of supervillainy, guys the X-Men and the Avengers didn’t feel like chasing around the city. “Oh, Stiltman’s stealing kittens again? I’ll get Daredevil on it.”
What’s my conclusion? When your niche in the world of villainy could be filled by Manute Bol wearing platform shoes, it’s time to find a new alter-ego.
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