Sunday, May 31, 2009

The Late, Late, Late Show

Take me out to the ball game
Take me out with the crowd
Buy me some peanuts and cracker jack
I don't care if I ever get back

For it's root, root root for the home team
If they don't win it's a shame!

And it's ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR-FIVE-SIX-SEVEN-EIGHT-NINE-TEN-ELEVEN-TWELVE-THIRTEEN-FOURTEEN-FIFTEEN-SIXTEEN-SEVENTEEN-EIGHTEEN-NINETEEN-TWENTY-TWENTY ONE-TWENTY TWO-TWENTY THREE-TWENTY FOUR-TWENTY FIVE innings and you're out at the old...ball...gaaaaaame!

The Pizza Man Can

I don't think your average pizza delivery guy would do this. And if he did, I bet he'd expect a bigger tip than usual.

A Pillow Gap

Thank God the Cold War never turned hot. How could we compete with a culture so brutal, so bloodthirsty, that it could do something like this?

It's a holiday, for God's sake! They celebrate it! They would have turn out our guts and used them to play their big, funny-looking guitars!

The story's a bit out of date, but I make no apologies.

The Beauty of the Game

Back in ye olden times, sportswriters often indulged in flowery, over-the-top descriptions when writing about sporting events.

It wasn't enough for a baseball player to hit the ball. Rather, they slugged the screaming rocket with a jarring crack and sent it flying halfway to Jupiter. They didn't play a night game at a ballpark. They played on a lush expanse of verdant green, as the sun slipped below the horizon and the shadows seemed to stretch out taller than the outfield wall,

Anyway, all I'm saying is that if we ever choose to revive that style of writing, I would love to see it applied to this sport.

Material Girl

Perfect timing! I was just thinking that, next year, I need something to decorate my dorm room. This painting should do the trick.

Mini-Mini-Mini Review: Frost/Nixon

I wrote up a big, multi-page review, but no one wants to wade through all that crap. So I'll summarize. The movie is very well-made, but it feels a little...hollow. It seems more like a well-made PBS documentary that an honest-to-God movie. It even has talking heads between scenes! But they're fake talking heads, so I don't know what to believe. Am I watching a movie, a documentary, or a mockumentary?

Frank Langella does a fine job as Richard Nixon; he can invest lines like "You do any fornicating last night?" with more gravitas than they deserve. Langella's Nixon is like the cranky, vaguely off-putting relative who always ruins Thanksgiving dinner by talking endlessly about politics. That's a compliment, by the way. His voice is a little distracting; it's a hoarse, guttural baritone that sounds like he's choking on decades of swallowed bile. But you'll eventually get used to it. Heck, by the end of the movie, you might even be talking that way.

The real problem lies with the other half of the title, Michael Sheen's David Frost. Frost, a British talk-show host whose nearest American equivalent might be Regis Philbin, is too glib to make a convincing foil for Nixon. That's how he's played in the beginning of the movie, at least. Things change halfway through. He suddenly transforms from a blow-dried celebrity hound into a master debater. How? We don't get the slightest inkling.

That's "Frost/Nixon" in a nutshell. Like Frost, it looks good and it sounds good, but there's not enough there there.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Oopsie

This is why it pays to study history. Not literally, of course.

Up, Up, and Away!

Pixar continues its winning streak. Look up "quality" in the dictionary and--underneath the picture of me, of course--you'll see the Pixar logo. "Up," the tenth movie from the little studio that could, has scored a mind-boggling 98% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Geez...that's better than most Best Picture winners.

"Up" was hardly the first Pixar Film to post ridiculous numbers, though, as this handy chart from Rotten Tomatoes can attest. I've only seen seven of the ten, so I can't comment on "Cars," "Ratatouille," or "Up." Of the seven I've seen, I'd rank 'em in this order:

1. The Incredibles--Not just my favorite Pixar film; my favorite animated film of all time. Nothing in Disney's ouevre can compete with the Underminer's wonderful declaration, "I declare war on peace and happiness!"

2. Toy Story 2--Like Toy Story uno, but with more Kelsey Grammar. That seals the deal, as far as I'm concerned. Just about every sequel would work better with a little more Grammar, with the possible exception of "The Godfather Part III."

3. A Bug's Life--A complete failure as an entomology lesson; do ants really have only four legs? Succeeds thanks to great characters, great scenery, and the phrase "Flaming death!"

4. Wall-E--Fred Willard's in it! Yeah, there's some other stuff about trash, and a spaceship, and fat people, but come on, guys--Fred Willard! THE Fred Willard! In an animated movie!

5. Toy Story--One of the very, very films of which it can be honestly said, "It changed everything." The only downside is that any kid younger than five will have nightmares about Sid for the next few years.

6. Finding Nemo--Geez, I feel really bad putting "Finding Nemo" all the way down at six. It's a great movie! I swear! It's simply facing tough competition. I mean, even Karl Malone came off the bench for the Dream Team.

7. Monsters, Inc.--Gets points because of Steve Buscemi, but loses points for being pitched at an audience younger than myself. The only Pixar film that seems a bit too skewed to the diaper demographic. And I haven't worn diapers since...oh, fifth grade at the very least.

Bring on the Bird Flu

As someone who has once tried kimchi, let me say this: I think bird flu is a better alternative, really.

Wackypedia

First, they came for the Scientologists. But I did not speak up, because I was not a scientologist, plus I thought those guys were absolutely nuts.

Then they came for the guys who write "fart" in articles about major historical figures, but I did not speak up, because I was not one of those guys, though I did occasionally giggle at their work.

Then they came for the people who write ten-page articles on anime, which was fine with me. Good riddance.

Then they came for everybody else, and I did not speak up, because like most Wikipedia editors, I was a socially reclusive nerd living in the basement of my old house.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Typoes

This story about the misspellings on the Stanley Cup got me thinking about some other, equally legendary typos in sports history...

1948: A sticky caps lock button leads to the creation of NASCAR

1961: A young Carl Smith makes his MLB debut; however, a drunken reporter records his name as "Carl Yastrzemski," which stuck with him for the rest of his career

1969: Wilt Chamberlain briefly records the NBA's first quintuple double by scoring 40000 points and pulling down 24000 rebounds; observers suspected a broken "0" key might be to blame

1990-1993: A slight error at NBA headquarters results in three Finals MVP Awards being given to Micael Jorgan of the Chicago Balls.

2001: The Super Bowl is nearly ruined after every single person in the league forgets how to use roman numerals

Ice Boxed

"Mmmm...that dinner was delicious, Dot."

"Glad you liked it, Helen. Care for some dessert?"

"Oh, no, I'm completely stuffed. Couldn't eat another bite."

"Come on now, Helen--we're British! We're supposed to be fat, and have bad teeth!"

"Well, when you put it like that...oh, go ahead then."

"Very good. Let's see, what do we have in the icebox? Hmmm, some ice cream, a nice slice of piece, and mum."

"Er...plums, you say?"

"No, mum. Care for a piece? I can't begin to finish her on my own!"

Desmond & A Bunch of Women Plus Twenty-Nine

Two kids are twins. Three are triplets. Four are quadruplets, five are quintuplets, and twenty-nine is...ludicrous.

Oh, Craps

I don't know what kind of lesson to draw from this story. Does it mean I should start gambling? I'll say it does. So long, all--I'm off to Atlantic City. After all, if a grandma can do it, why can't I?

Heroes on a Half-Shell

Ah, the 90s...quite a decade for rip-offs. Most of the pop culture of the 90s involved regurgitating pop culture from the 80s; if you need proof, here's a list of "The 5 Most Bizarre Ninja Turtle Rip-Offs of the 90s."

I ought to note that "bizarre" is a very relative term here, considering the show being ripped off involved radioactive ooze transforming teeny-tiny pet turtles into sword-swinging, high-kicking, pizza-scarfing ninjas. So bear that in mind as you read.

Be sure to check out the "Extreme Dinosaurs" theme song at the end of the article. Perhaps it's only my imagination, but I swear the singer (who sounds uncannily like David Lee Roth--actually, as this was the 1990s, it probably was Diamond Dave) lapses into German at one point.

The song also manages to pack the word "extreme" at least 55934 times into a two-minute running time. That's impressive, in the same sort of way that being able to lick your own elbow is impressive.

Mr. Potato Head

Now here's a chant you probably won't hear at any American political rallies:

The Government is handing out 400,000 tonnes of free spuds in rural towns. It says that it is merely distributing the surplus from a bumper crop, but Mr Ahmadinejad’s opponents accuse it of bribing the poor. “Death to potatoes,” they chant at rallies.

Well, I guess it's a step up from "Death to America" or "Death to Israel." If they can take out their frustration on something like potatoes, I think we can all rest a little easier.

Midwifery

Headline from Xinhua, the Chinese news service:

"Panda Lin Hui in Thailand delivers first baby"

Wow...a panda for a midwife? I wonder how the mother felt about that.

Betty, Shmetty

Archie made the right call, I think, in choosing Veronica over Betty. Sure, Betty might have a more wholesome "girl next door" quality, but that's really something that would appeal to Jughead more than Arch. Archie deserves someone a little more...sophisticated. And that's why OH GOD I'M ANALYZING ARCHIE CARTOONS WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS AAARGGGHHH

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Spelling...S-P-E-L-Q CRAP!

In honor of today's National Spelling Bee, I proudly present an interview with Jacques Bailey, the bespectacled fellow who tells the kids the language of origin for words like "triquetra" and "fodient." (Latin, by the way)

Don't forget to watch the finals today. Remember, the winner gets to square off against the Los Angeles Lakers in a 7-game series. The 7 games go: basketball, basketball, spelling bee, spelling bee, basketball, spelling bee, basketball. Strangely, for the last six years of this competition, the basketball team has won every time. Even more strangely, they have always split the series 4-3. Creepy, no?

Big Money

Well, this beats the hell out of scrounging under the couch cushions for nickels and/or half-eaten lollipops.

Signs of the Times

Oh man, I tried this idea once, but it didn't work at all. Probably because I wrote "No Praking" instead of "No Parking"; my signs didn't have that authentic touch. My "Slow Shool Children Crossing" sign hasn't worked too well, either.

Pop a Cap

Spinal Tap gave us the memorable quote, "There's such a fine line between clever and stupid." This story proves that, when it comes to the world of fashion, the line between clever and stupid is so thin as to be completely non-existent.

Jesus Christ!

BROTHERS AND SISTERS! MOTHERS AND FATHERS! UNCLES AND COUSINS! SECOND-COUSINS AND LIVE-IN PARTNERS! Praise Jesus, amen and all that. TODAY is a day for HEALING! Step up! All you who are crippled, step up! All you who are lame, step up! No, not YOU, nerdlinger, I mean those who are REALLY LAME! All you who are suffering, step up! All you who watched that episode of "House" last night and now worry that you've got whatever it is that guy had, STEP UP!

HEALING is a tricky business. I know, by tradition, we heal by the laying on of the hands. AMEN! I felt the need to add that, because it's been QUITE A WHILE since I last said it. Today, though, we try something different. We try something NEW!

Step forward, Brother! Oh, I mean Sister. Sorry about that, Sister! My eyesight's been troubling me a bit lately. Perhaps its because of all the time I spend GAZING UPON THE LIGHT OF CHRIST! Or it may be the glaucoma.

Now, Sister, kneel down. No, not THERE, Sister, there's a wet spot right there. KNEEL DOWN HERE! About five inches to your left. Can I get an Amen? Can I get an A? Can I get an M? Can I get an I? Can I get an N? What's that spell? AMEN!

The time has come for healing! With this blessed ointment, which I'm going to SMEAR on your forehead, all your troubles will pass! Step forward and receive--the HOLY MARMITE!

Mini-Mini-Mini Review: The Goode Family

Regarding Mike Judge's new television series "The Goode Family," I would just say: onlye okaye.

Hunderwear

(At a board meeting of Amalgamated Underwear, Inc.)

Executive A: All right, gentlemen, the time has come for action. Amalgamated Briefs, Inc., is currently kicking our pants...

Executive B: I think you mean kicking our underpants, sir.

Executive A: Ah, my mistake. They are currently kicking our underpants in terms of sales! Look at this graph, and tell me what you see.

Executive B: A line.

Executive C: Some squares.

Executive D: A bunny rabbit!

Executive A: FAILURE! That's what this graph says!

Executive B & C: Oh...

Executive D: So there's no bunny rabbit?

Executive A: Over the past year, sales of our classic tighty-whities have dropped by upwards of 50%. Or downwards of 50%. Whichever way it is, sales are dropping fast. If it goes on like this, we'll have to lay off half of our underwear models!

Executive C: My God...they can't survive in the wild!

Executive D: What about R&D? Have they come up with any new ideas? What about...I don't know, vampires? They're hot right now, right?

Executive A: Vampires? What do you think we are, Executive D, Amalgamated Boxers, Inc.? We have our standards. We're not going to whore ourselves out for money.

Executive B: Wait, isn't that our slogan? "We'll Whore Ourselves Out for Money"?

Executive A: Never mind that. The time has come for emergency action.

Executive C: Do we really need to burn down the building again? That's the third time this year.

Executive A: No...we have to go one step further.

Executive B: Kill Executive D for the insurance money?

Executive A: Do you think that'd work? Hmmm...I'll take that into consideration. But no! What we need right now is something adventurous. Something daring. Something that'll knock their socks...

Executive C: I think you mean knock their underwear off.

Executive A: Thank you. We need...Hitler underwear!

Do That Voodoo

The following has taken the lead in the race for "Greatest Paragraph of the Year," a contest run and judged entirely by me:

Doherty then summoned a nurse who had, by prior arrangement, filled a large syringe with a powerful emetic. With great ceremony, he inspected the instrument and injected its contents into Vanders' arm. A few minutes later, Vanders began to gag and vomit uncontrollably. In the midst of it all, unnoticed by everyone in the room, Doherty produced his pièce de résistance - a green lizard he had stashed in his black bag. "Look what has come out of you Vance," he cried. "The voodoo curse is lifted."

Somehow, I don't think we'll be seeing that scene on "Grey's Anatomy" anytime soon. I'd be surprised, however, if "House" doesn't do something like this eventually.

Love Bites

All I can say...well, thank God Miss Wyler said "bite me" and not, say, "eat me."

I Screamed a Scream

"SuBo goes Loco," declares Britain's The Sun, proving that Britain, though it may no longer be the world's most powerful nation, is still number one when it comes to writing newspaper headlines.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Everything Must Go...at

You see, this story is interesting, because I heard there's a goat dealership somewhere in East Africa that now offers a free General Motors car with every goat purchased. Apparently, most customers just take the goat and leave the car.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Goodbye Cruel World

To all my friends and family, what few of them there are--

Life has become too much for me to bear. I have done my best, but it always seems as if my best just isn't enough to get by. Thus, I have chosen to end things now, on my own terms. I only hope that AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Tweets from the Vatican City

From Twitter user pbxvi

Just woke up...eatin big bowl of Holy-Os nom nom nom

Wheres my big hat? Dam I think I left it @ party last nite!

Chillaxin and reading some Bible...gimme a call

Ugh! st. petes full of tourists AGAIN we ought to charge big $$$

Goin to card. szillerys later 2nite i hope card. anglais isnt there

BIG HAT FOUND! :-) wuz in the closet whole time

Party embarrassing forgot to bring the holy wine...oops

G-nite all; sayin prayers then heded 2 bed; another big day for da popester!

Spin Cycle

PRESS RELEASE FROM THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF JUNK FOOD MANUFACTURERS

We're pleased to announce that a recent British study found a plethora of benefits to be gained from eating junk food.

The study discovered that children who eat a steady diet of junk food--specifically, those who get their recommended daily allowance of burgers, pizza, and fries--are less likely to be picked on at school. Researchers found that kids who don't get these essential nutrients are unable to socialize effectively; instead, they waste their time on pointless trivia, like reading.

Kids on a regular junk food diet also enjoy a simpler future. Kids who eat non-junk (sometimes referred to as "healthy" food) are often torn between possible careers as a doctor, lawyer, or some other high-stress position. Not so with junk-food eating kids. The study found that they are better prepared to take on low-stress, high-demand positions like cleaning, janitorial work, and custodial work.

We are pleased that this study has vindicated us and our products. Always remember: a meal without lard is not a meal worth having.

A Boy Named "Q"

All I can ask is: Y?

Green Power

Headline from the AP:

"Pistachio Plant Knew Some Nuts Were Tainted."

Dear God...they're becoming self-aware! If the plants ever join forces with the animals, we're done for.

Mini-Review: Star Trek

“Star Trek” is ostensibly the tenth and latest film in the Star Trek canon, but it’s light-years away from past flops like “Nemesis” and “Insurrection.” Instead, it bears a much stronger resemblance to “Batman Begins,” the 2005 reboot of the Batman franchise. Both are perfect summer popcorn films, combining slam-bang action and geeky sci-fi wizardry. Both require more than the usual suspension of disbelief. Most importantly, both breathe new life into franchises that everybody thought were stone-dead.

Like “Batman Begins,” “Star Trek” doesn’t mess around with the central mythology. These are still the voyages of the starship Enterprise, which is still boldly going where no man—pardon me, no one—has gone before. Captain Kirk (Chris Pine, who, thankfully, chooses not to impersonate Shatner) is still hot-headed and impetuous, Spock (Zachary Quinto) is still coldly logical, and Chekhov (Anton Yelchin) still can’t pronounce the letter “w.” Director J.J. Abrams leaves everything in its place—with the exception of one planet-sized destruction, which will no doubt get the most fervent Trekkies up in phasers.

The biggest changes come, not in terms of substance, but in style. The earlier Trek films were marked by their plodding pace; the action scenes seemed a reluctant concession to the post-Star Wars conventions of science fiction. Not so with the new “Star Trek.” It begins with an interstellar dogfight between a Federation starship, captained by Captain Kirk, senior, and a hulking Romulan cruiser under the command of tattooed space-punk Nero (Eric Bana). The scene truly deserves the description of “kick-ass,” complete with glowing green photon torpedoes, tzzzping phasers, and a rather unexpected impalement.

Cut ahead a few years. Kirk the younger is now attended Star Fleet Academy, where he immediately runs afoul of a certain Vulcan professor. He also meets up with his other future crewmembers—helmsman Sulu, communications officer Uhura, and dyspeptic doctor McCoy. This is all prelude, though, and we pass the time waiting for them to get off Planet Earth and onto the bridge of the Enterprise. This, after all, is “Star Trek,” not “Varsity Blues: Starfleet Academy Edition.” Kirk finally gets his chance at interstellar glory when Nero, last seen turning Kirk’s father into spare photons, reappears and starts menacing the galaxy.

As to what happens next…well, the plot is really beside the point. Like “Batman Begins” and its sequel, “The Dark Knight,” “Star Trek” forces you to ignore the voice in the back of your head that howls, “What? What???” at every new and absurd revelation. There is time travel, miniature black holes, planetary implosions, and a mysterious McGuffin called “red matter” that might just tear the entire galaxy apart. Kirk—whose jump from snot-nosed cadet to captain of the Enterprise boggles the mind—leads his crew on a zippy trip through space as they try to stop Nero from pulverizing the Earth. Kirk broods and sulks, as is required in any Star Trek movie, but he spends the greater part of his time trying to foil Nero’s schemes.

This is where Abrams and his film come through. Action sequence piles on action sequence, but we never get bored amidst all the photon-blasting and sword-fighting (yes, it seems that the people of the 21st century have rediscovered the utility of a good old broadsword). Every scene becomes an excuse for a chase scene or a firefight. Take, for instance, the scene in which Kirk and Scotty—yes, THAT Scotty, played with impeccable timing by Simon Pegg—beam aboard the Enterprise. In a lesser movie, that might be that. But Abrams turns it into a thrilling setpiece, as Kirk has to keep the ill-fated Scotty from getting chopped to pieces in the Enterprise’s water-coolant system. Certainly, it’s the most exciting scene involving water treatment you’ll ever see.

Amidst all the biff-boom-pow space opera, the callow cadets aboard the Enterprise slowly grow into hardened space veterans. Credit the actors for their uniformly strong performances. Chris Pine does a fine job depicting Kirk’s transformation from party boy to the captain Trekkies know and love. Quinto somehow makes the emotionless Spock the heart of the movie; he’s the most appealing character, by far. Yelchin and Pegg provide the comic relief, and Zoe Saldana brings the eye candy as Uhura—they still have miniskirts in the 21st century, after all. John Cho, as Sulu, does…whatever it is that Sulu does aboard the Enterprise.

The only weak link comes in Eric Bana’s Nero. It is difficult to tell what sort of villain he’s shooting for. At times, he seems to aim for a grand, majestic villainy, a la Ricardo Montalban in “The Wrath of Khan.” Other times, though, it looks as if he’s trying to be the first hipster villain in Star Trek history. He has tattoos, for the love of God! His muddled backstory, bogged down as it is in the marshes of time travel, doesn’t help things. Whenever Nero’s on screen, it gets harder and harder to suspend our disbelief, which in turn brings out the absurdity that the movie otherwise glosses over with great success. Forget Nero; I’d rather watch the crew of the Enterprise bonding over some training exercises.

“Star Trek” certainly isn’t perfect, but no one should expect perfection from a summer popcorn flick. It delivers the goods you want—action, adventure, with just a hint of heart thrown in. The movie’s more than skin-deep, after all, and it’s likely you’ll find yourself caring about Kirk, Spock, and the rest. J.J. Abrams wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, that’s all the better for the inevitable sequel already grinding its way down the Hollywood pipeline. But heck—I’ll watch it. If it’s half as good as the new “Trek,” that’ll be money well spent.

Friday, May 22, 2009

I Want You Back

"14 TV Shows We Want Back," via the Daily Beast. Can't say I've heard of most of them, but I do agree that the untimely death of "Arrested Development" was the greatest tragedy since "Macbeth."

Oh, well. Even if I don't have the TV show anymore, I still have my "Arrested Development" playset, complete with the Stair-Car and the Tobias Funke action figure (with bendable legs to better reflect his cat-like agility).

The Levels of Nerdvana

Level One: Playing video games

Level Two: Spending more than two hours a day playing video games

Level Three: Playing video games until your eyes hurt

Level Four: At this level, you can't feel your thumbs anymore

Level Five: You begin to sound like Mario whenever you talk

Level Six: You start dressing like Mario, too

Level Seven: Spending less than two hours a day NOT playing video games

Level Eight: You plan on naming your child Link...assuming you ever get a child, which is impossible, because at this point you only leave the TV in order to refuel your bowl of Cheetos

Level Nine: This

Orwell Saw it Coming

When we outlaw winking...only outlaws will have winks.

No, but seriously, this story really chills me, if not to the bone, at least to the dermis. Or the epidermis. I forget which is deeper. Winking has always been one of our most fundamental rights. Think of all the great moments in American history that involved winking:

...

...

Let me get back to you on this one. It might take a while.

!stnerap ruoy lliK

From Wired, a list of various messages hidden within songs and albums. Not surprisingly, Coldplay totally screwed up in their attempt to put a hidden track on their newest album.

I myself once had a rather interesting experience with hidden messages. I can pride myself on being the first person to discover the secret of The Beatles' "Abbey Road". When you play it backwards and upside-down, you hear the following:

sfdipuuzzzzzzpioiinnvaoixixixiuviapisdeipfaodisdnzzzidopsiue

Creepy, huh? This actually led me to try spinning "Led Zeppelin III" backwards. Again, the results are very revealing

bppppppirpnbxpvcipueiorpppppppbnxcnncmbncfaefadfdsfsdfsdf

And to think I was the first to find it! I deserve some kind of medal, assuming a medal for that kind of thing exists.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Casey Kasem's Top 10 Species Countdown

One of those various scientific committees--committees being the way that scientists make up for their lack of a social life--has named the Top 10 Newly Discovered Species of 2008. Among them:

Pygmy seahorse--Later turned out to be an overgrown sea monkey

Barbados threadsnake--Pound-for-pound, the deadliest creature in the world; weighs approximately .0000001 pounds

Ghost slug--Hands-down the scariest, most terrifying slug you will ever see

Caffeine-free coffee plant--Also provides its own cream and sugar

Bacteria that lives in hairspray--Carries a potent toxin that makes your hair feel all stiff and weird

Bring the Kids

Hey, Kids!

Bored by Disneyland? Sick of Six Flags? Done with Hershey Park?

Well, then you'll love...Love Land!

Yes, Love Land! Opening--for a limited time only--in Chongqing, China, Love Land is the only theme park dedicated to sex and nothing but sex!

WATCH Mom get red-faced on seeing the giant genitalia!

THRILL as Dad nearly passes out while riding the Spermulator!

GIGGLE AT EVERYTHING YOU SEE until you collapse from hypoxia!

But hurry! This amazing offer won't last long! This might be your last chance to see a naked person for a long, long while--don't miss it!

AAAAAND we're proud to announce a special bonus. Every visitor who can tell a good dirty joke will get half-off admission! Quarter-off if the joke demeans women in some way!

Don't miss out! Come to Love Land, where all your dreams come true, especially the naughty ones!

Mouse Gets a Roundhouse

There once was a Chucky named Cheese
Who once gave a poor girl the squeeze
When she gave a squeak
Her dad, he did freak
Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease

OK, that last line doesn’t work at all, but it was the best thing I could find with my online rhyming dictionary.

#1 in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

I always thought Star Wars was the greatest science fiction film of all time, but now Mr. Moviefone has gone and made it official.

You know, when you think about it, there haven't been that many "great" science fiction films. "Stars Wars," "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," and "Blade Runner" were all pretty good, but the pickings get awfully slim beyond that.

I'm not counting "2001: A Space Odyssey" as a science fiction film. I'm not even counting it as a film at all. I would argue that it is simply the essence of pure boredom, somehow condensed into cinematic form.

Here's my Top Five Science Fiction films:

1. Star Wars
2. Probably Star Wars again
3. Blad--eh, Star Wars
4. Gone With the Solar Wind
5. Star Wars: The Wrath of Khan

Duckman! Duckman!

BEHOLD! The world's newest and greatest superhero--DUCKMAN!

Gifted with the ability to waddle faster than a train, assuming that the train isn't going anywhere!

Villains fear the mild irritation of his sonic quack!

But will he be undone by his craving for small chunks of Wonder Bread?

Tune in this week at 9:00 to find out, as Duckman faces his first and, thus, greatest nemesis: the BIRD DOG!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

What a Basterd

Judging from this review of Quentin Tarantino's newest film, "Inglorious Basterds," it look like the Big Q is up to his old tricks. Blood, guns, and...more blood. He does one thing and does it well, thank you very much.

It seems like his films are getting progressively more and more gory. Or should I say "gorier and gorier"? No, that sounds like a British law firm. Anyway, I'm wondering--where will it end?

In that spirit, I give you a prospective script for Quentin Tarantino's next film, tentatively titled SPLAT. Edits imposed for the sake of good taste!

(Several stylishly dressed men walk into an empty room. There is no furniture. The walls are blank and white. The men all wear sunglasses; each carries a gun roughly the size of a bazooka.)

Man #1: F***!

Man #2: F***!

Man #7: Oh, F***!

(Man #3 shoots Man #2. His brains splatter all over the wall)

Man #4: F***!

Man #1: What the F***?

(Man #5 shoots Man #1 and Man #6; the camera zooms in as Man #6's jaw explodes into fragments like confetti)

Man #3: Seriously? F***!

Man #7: F*** me! F*** it all!

(Man #3 pulls out a katana and skewers Man #5, causing his entrails to burst through his back and uncoil on the floor; he writhes in pain)

Man #5: F*******************************************************!!!

Man #8: That's F******!

Man #3: No s***! I mean, no f***!

(Man #7 grabs Man #3 and Man #9 and bashes their heads together, until their craniums burst into a pinkish mist of blood and brains)

Man #7: F***! F***! Oh, f***!

Man #8: F*** no!

(Man #8 grabs a tire iron from the ground and beats Man #7 into a bloody, unrecognizable pulp; this scene is filmed in extreme slow motion, lasting nearly 15 minutes)

Man #8: F***. F***. F***. I'm so f*****. Dang it all to heck.

(Man #8 explodes for no good reason)

THE END

High Jump

FAT SPORTSCASTER: Well, John, here we are at the finals for the 200 speed-skating. Any guesses as to what's going to happen?

BALD SPORTSCASTER: Your guess is as good as mine, Mike. After that absolutely wild semi-final race, I'm ready for anything.

FAT SPORTSCASTER: That sure was a one-of-a-kind race. Ever think you'd see so many severed limbs in one event?

BALD SPORTSCASTER: Not outside of Beijing!

(They laugh heartily)

FAT SPORTSCASTER: And the competitors are lining up...there's Gert van der Gert of the Netherlands, from the world famous van der Gert skating family; and there's Nils Nilsson Nilssonsson of Norway, one of the early favorites...

BALD SPORTSCASTER: Don't forget Billy Buckles, from Jamaica, the first non-pasty man ever to compete in this race.

FAT SPORTSCASTER: There's the starting bell and...they're off!

(Pause)

FAT SPORTSCASTER: And...they're off!

BALD SPORTSCASTER: They don't seem to be going anywhere. What the heck's happening?

FAT SPORTSCASTER: Beats me, John. Gert van der Gert has fallen over and seems...seems to be making snow angels on the track. And what's going on with Denmark's Olaf Falo? He's...

BALD SPORTSCASTER: ...He's just staring at his hands and giggling. Looks like Russia's Anton Chernobyl is doing the same.

FAT SPORTSCASTER: Well, I suppose we should have seen this coming. Good night, folks!

Modern-Day Monopoly Cards

The housing bubble implodes; lose all Houses and Hotels

Your stocks take a beating; lose all your money and jump out the nearest window

Bailout! Collect $100,000,000 from the banker

That "charity" turns out to be a swindle; lose $50,000 and all remaining faith in humanity

Bank error in your favor--collect $10,000,000, but don't forget to go directly to jail without passing Go

Grey Goose a Wild Turkey

Q: What happens when you cross "The Exorcist" with a bird?

A1: Deviled eggs!

A2: This!