One British girl reveals the secret to doing well on her standardized tests: she was kidnapped and held for ransom while she was a baby.
Shoot, I could do that. For a nominal fee I'll steal your baby, thus guaranteeing them academic success. My rates start at $50 a baby. Rates increase as your kid gets older, and I stop after five years old. Whiny kids cost a premium.
If you want me to feed your kid, you'll have to fork over an extra $25 a day. Gerber's isn't cheap. I should know--I had to live on the stuff for a few weeks after my meal plan got revoked. I recommend the mashed bananas.
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