What Can I Say?

Let me be honest. I could write a million years and never come up with anything half as wonderful as this paragraph:

"We should have never, ever said, 'This conductor has a face like a halibut,' when the truth is, most conductors don't look anything at all like halibuts," Berkowitz says in the new radio advertisement, produced by the New York ad agency DeVito/Verdi. "Some look more like groupers or flounders. I've even seen a few who closely resemble catfish. And there's one conductor on the Green Line that looks remarkably like a hammerhead shark. So we feel very badly about this mischaracterization, and we won't let it happen again."

Read on, and find out what the hell is up.

Mediocre Minds Think Alike

An obscure sports blogger gives voice to a thought that's been rattling around in my head for quite a while. Wouldn't the Zombies be a great name for a sports franchise?

Just think of the untapped potential! The fight song could be "Thriller"; the mascot could be an actual rotting corpse; and when the Zombies win, the crowd could shamble onto the field to tear apart the losers and devour the entrails! Wait, scratch that last part.

My favorite line from the blogger in question: Unfortunately, fans of opposing teams will always be shouting "Go for the head!" as a means to take down the Zombies during fights or physical play.

He Went That-a Way

Pop quiz! You're out driving one night and you accidentally sideswipe an ambulance. What'd you do? What'd you do?

1) Stop and exchange insurance numbers, or whatever ambulances have
2) Follow the ambulance to its destination and THEN exchange insurance numbers
3) Flee

I know many of you would pick #3. Think, though...what if the car you were traveling in was on tracks? It complicates things, as one Philly trolley car driver found out.

Not So Funny Now, Eh?

The English have a reputation for being buttoned-down, but I think this crosses the line. A fellow by the name of Chris Cocker was watching a British comedy TV show--probably something involving celebrities in the jungle--and began laughing so h ard he fell off his couch. His neighbors heard the thump, and did what any good neighbor would do: call the bobbies. And things only escalated from there.


The lesson: when in Britain, try not to laugh at their TV shows. From what I've heard, that shouldn't be too difficult.

Bizarre Google Search B

For today: "get rid of the infield fly rule" turns up this cheerful fellow.

Yeesh.

Ow!

Good headline: "Mariners Hold Off Jays, But Lose Putz"

Those who know a little bit of Yiddish might see the joke here. As to the rest of you, just keep on moving.

The Old People Files

Ho! They think they can participate in spelling bees? What's next? Soon they'll be demanding the vote and a driver's license!

I do wonder, though, about this current semi-craze for spelling bees. Did it all begin with Spellbound? They seem to be everywhere nowadays. All the more reason to be bitter that my middle school canceled its spelling bee because it was "too competitive." Hell, do they want their kids growing up soft? Do they think the Chinese and Indians are canceling their spelling bees? No! How will the children of today react when they enter the workforce unable to spell "cephalalgea?" They'll go cryin' to their mommies!

The NBA Finals

I really wish I could bring myself to care about the NBA Finals. I really, really wish I could. It should be easy! This, after all, was the first year I tried following professional basketball. Lo and behold, it turns out to be the best NBA season in nearly a decade. A thrilling race for MVP, a bitter struggle in the Western Conference...and now, to top it off, the renewal of a class rivalry. It's Celtics vs. Lakers, Will! The old legends are walking!

Maybe that's why I can't get very enthusiastic. I'm afraid I've OD'd on myth. It's like if Ohio State and Michigan played each other for the BCS championship, or if Duke and UNC squared off in the Final Four. On paper, it should be thrilling. But the hype just swallows up the product. It's not a game anymore. It's a LEGENDARY RIVALRY. Screw those other 28 teams! Don't they know the only things that matter are the Green & Gold?

It doesn't help that neither team is particularly appealing. LA has maybe the best player in basketball. But as brilliant as Kobe is, he's also frustrating and downright obnoxious at times. Boston, meanwhile, is a mercenary team. 2/3 of the Big Three are playing their first season with the Leprechauns! And they call this history?

Hmm...this is somewhat more bitter than I meant it to be. I don't hate that Kobe that much. I don't dislike the Big Three, and I've got nothing big against Boston & L.A. But I don't see anything big in their favor, either. Maybe I'll reconsider this post down the road...we'll see.

The Continuing War of Man vs. Nature

Run! Bears! Now, they're in our restaurants. But where will they be next? In our schools? Our playgrounds? Our churches? Our homes? Seriously, folks, this problem is getting out of hand. Don't come crying to me when you come home and find a bear in your bathtub.

Mmmm...Poppity-Corn

Now here's a hoax I'd never heard of before. There's a new viral video sensation (how I hate those words) that purportedly shows some folks making popcorn with their cellphones. Here, "making popcorn with their cellphones" means "they put kernels of corn next to their cellphones, and the kernels suddenly pop into delicious, delicious popcorn."

Hoax? Probably. As some sensible minds have pointed out, if cellphones generated enough heat to popcorn they would roast our fingers every time we used them. Still, though, my advice is stay away from cellphones if your head happens to be made of corn. And if this is the case, please see your doctor immediately.

U-N-I-T-Y

Aha! At last we're seeing some evidence of that long-awaited "unity bounce" Obama was supposed to enjoy after securing the nomination. He now leads McCain 47%-41% (according to this one poll, at least), which is a slight uptick from earlier surveys.

I'll make a prediction now. Though everyone says this is the most volatile election we've had in decades, I think this margin of roughly 6% will hold steady for the next few months. Call it a hunch. Both candidates have low ceilings this year, with Obama's just a tad higher than McCain. The election won't be decided until the week before Election Day.

Then again, I also said Hillary would win the Democratic nomination. So anything could happen. Even something involving space aliens.

There Can Only Be One

Scotland, apparently, now has rules banning the transportation of bladed weapons like knives and swords. OK, that's a bit of news right there. But how about this: because of the ban, Highland dancers will be unable to perform their traditional sword dance.

My recommendation? Do what the REAL Highlanders do. Carry your sword under your cut, and when the audience least expects it--whip it out and slice their heads off! Woops, sorry. I mean, start dancing!

Safety Alert!

Ah, fences. We all know them. We all use them. They keep out nature...they add order and regularity to our yard...they keep our kids from escaping into the woods, where they would no doubt be eaten by bears...

Yes, it's easy to take fences for granted. Even to mistreat them, as shocking as that may sound. May advice, though: read this, and think twice before turning your back on a fence.

FEAR IT

My God. Cheerwine is spreading. When will we learn, people? Haven't enough innocent already suffered from trying to drink that noxious drink? Why, why, why?

On the plus side, this liquid monster is appearing in Atlanta. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving place.

I'll Ruin You Like a Japanese Banquet

And in international news: the Prime Minister of Australia barfs. He first attributed it to eating a "dadgy dadgwood dog," but later switched his story and said the culprit was a "party pie." No, I don't know whether those are foodstuffs or euphemisms for something much, much worse. Knowing Australia, there's no reason to think otherwise.

Best moment of the story: when the PM explained himself by saying "We've all had to drive the porcelain bus at some stage," the BBC saw the need to explain that this phrase "describes someone clutching a toilet bowl with both hands while vomiting." Thanks, BBC!

Bizarre Google Search XXIVLK

OK, crimefighters! The phrase of the day is "packing up and shipping out." So, y'know, you might expect some packing and/or shipping related pictures. But no...

Ow! Ow! Ow!

From the Sydney Morning Herald: "Depth Tested by Haddin's Broken Finger." Dude, let it heal!

HULK SMASH!

The NY Post reports on one of the most curious stories in recent filmmaking: the new "Incredible Hulk." Now, nothing wrong with making a movie about the Hulk. Everyone loves the Hulk. He was a big, angry, dumb green guy who smashed things while trenchantly observing "Hulk Smash!" He was fun. No existential brooding for the Hulk. Bruce Banner might moan and agonize over the fury lurking inside him, but then he got mad...and things began to get smashed.

What's curious about this new film? Well, for starters, they made a Hulk movie just five years ago. Five years! True, it was a box-office bomb, but haven't the studios ever heard of letting dead films lie? Why do they have to resurrect the decaying corpse of Ang Lee's film and make it do a jig for money? Especially when there are so many other memorable superheroes just waiting to break heads on the silver screen. How about a Wolverine movie? Or the Justice League? Or Ant-Man, for God's sake!

Hmm...looks like they're a step ahead of me on that last one.

Please, No Stuart Smalley Jokes

Just a few months ago I scoffed--scoffed!--at the idea of Al Franken being a serious candidate for the Senate. Well, time to eat my scoffations. Former Funnyman Franken just received the unanimous endorsement of the Minnesota DFL (Minnesota being too high-and-might to just call its Democrats "Democrats") and will go on to face Senator Norm Coleman in November.

Wow. Nowhere but Minnesota, I guess, with the possible exception of Alaska. I guess Franken fits the "straight-talk" template people want this fall. If Franken wins, and if McCain wins the White House, I sincerely hope Al gets called on to deliver the Democratic rebuttal to the State-of-the-Union speech.

Cause, Meet Effect

"Man Jumps From Plane With No Parachute, Dies."

Well, duh.

The War of Nature vs. Nature Continues

I thought that headline I posted a few minutes back was unbeatable. Wrong! Here, via CNN, comes this priceless, priceless gem: "Dog Can't Stomach Spew the Toad." Unlike the one about the thong bandits, this is everything you think it is...and more. Let's just say it'll make you think twice before you wolf down that cane toad for dinner!*

*If you are eating cane toads, God help you

The New Nostradamus!

This boast is a few days late, but that won't stop me. At the beginning of the year I predicted that the Red Wings would win the Stanley Cup. And they called me crazy! Ha ha ha ha!

"But Will, what about your predictions that the Pistons would win the NBA Championship? Or that the Tigers would win the World Series?"

...Shut up. I thought it was Detroit's year.

The War Between Man and Nature Continues

Honeybees have invaded a Jacksonville condo. It's only a matter of time before they move on to real houses. I don't want to be alarmist, but if this is the start of a trend, then we're all doomed.

"...I'm allergic to bee stings, sir. I tend to die."
-Waylon Smithers

Stockings, Guys...Not Thongs

An arresting beginning to any story: "Police in Arvada said they've found two men who wore women's thong underwear during the robbery of a convenience store."

Turns out it's not quite as scandalous as it sounds. They only wore it over their faces, in what may be the lamest disguise ever attempted (excepting the time at dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi for Halloween...but that's another story)

My opinion: if they tried to disguise themselves by wearing thongs, they are no threat to society. I recommend releasing them and seeing what other wacky hijinks they get into.

Slow People Got No Reason to Live

Here's a movement we can all get behind, as long as we don't rush it. The slow movement! Dedicated to slowing down the frenetic pace of modern life, these valiant defenders of sluggishness charge (slowly) into battle, ready to protect our right to lollygag, laze, and loll about. Their demands include (yawn)...include the right (mmm...sleep)...to have all (big yawn)...zzzzz.

Zzzzzzzz...z. Z.

For Your Viewing Pleasure...

A giant fork. On the shore of a lake. What more needs to be said? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Funny (?) Line from Clinton's Acceptance Speech

I'm too tired to talk politics, or at least too tired to talk politics coherently. That said, though, I'd like to bring to your attention a rather...peculiar line from Hillary Clinton's concession speech. I paraphrase:

"If we can blast 50 women into space, certainly we can blast a woman into the White House!"

She makes it sound like NASA rounded up 50 women from around Cape Canaversal, crammed them into a rocket ship, and just blasted 'em right into orbit. Boy, it is late.

The Only Phoenix-Related Post in the Blogosphere That Won't Use the Phrase 'Rising Sun'...Oops

Congratulations, Phoenix fans! After forcing out Mike D'Antoni for failing to magically subtract 10 years from Shaq's age, your owners have found a new coach for you...Terry Porter! Yes, nothing says success like "Former Milwaukee Bucks Coach with a .400 Win Percentage Who Also Looks Like Zippy the Pinhead!"

Wait, did you just hear a popping sound? That was Steve Nash's back, giving out in gleeful anticipation of a new season.

...And It's Jesus With the Save!

The World Cup: we all know it, and some of us love it. There's one thing I've always wondered about it: do the little countries ever get a say? Will we ever see Liechtenstein or Andorra or Monaca matched up with Brazil or France?

Well...no. But here's the next best thing. The Vatican City presents: The Clericus Cup! A group of trainee priests get together and form teams and...eh, who cares about the details? It's priets playing soccer! Whoo!

I have to add that "Clericus Cup" sounds like something out of Harry Potter. As in, "'Arry!' Hagrid roared with glee. 'Yeh've just won the Clericus Cup fer Gryffindor!'"

Return to Return to Wackypedia

Hey there! I'm smugly pleased to report that not only has Wackypedia returned--we're now broadcasting LIVE from Washington DC! That's right: the Great White City, Capital of America, City of Monuments...that's all the nicknames I have. And two of them I made up.

In addition to the usual nonsense I put on this blog, prepare yourselves to receive only the newest, freshest political news from someone who has the inside scoop! Well, maybe I should rephrase that. Prepare yourselves to receive only the stalest, most outdated trivial political gossip from someone who mindlessly repeats what he overhears! Yeah, that's the ticket.