Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Put Some Money on the Cubbies

Mike Downey of the Chicago Tribune waxes extremely depressed on the topic of the World Series. Specifically: the fact that the Tampa Bay Rays might just win it before the Chicago Cubs.

Full disclosure: I'm not a Cubs fan myself. I have less depressing ways to spend my free time, like working with childhood burn victims suffering from cancer.

Operation Hot Mother

So, you've got a body on your hands. Never mind how or why. You've got a dead person and you need to get rid of them. So how would you go about doing it?

Of course, the first thing that jumps into your head is either burying the body or dumping it in the river. Bland, predictable choices both. If you're a little more creative, maybe you came up with something like chopping up the body or hiding it in a crawlspace.

But it takes a real body disposal artiste to come up with something like this.

Whatta Way to Go!

Ah, StumbleUpon knows me too well. I ask it to recommend a website, and it spits out Wikipedia's "List of Unusual Deaths." If I were to ever commit murder and/or suicide--I'm not considering either at the moment, though you never say never--this is the first place I'd look for ideas. A few highlights:

"1834: David Douglas, Scottish botanist, fell into a pit trap accompanied by a bull. He was gored and possibly crushed."

If you can't tell whether or not he was crushed...it's a good bet he probably was. PS. What the hell was a botanist doing fooling around with a bull?

"1954: Alan Turing, English mathematician, logician, and cryptographer, was found dead by his cleaner on 8 June; the previous day, he had died of cyanide poisoning, apparently from a cyanide-laced apple he left half-eaten beside his bed. It has been suggested that Turing was reenacting a scene from "Snow White", his favourite fairy tale."

...Or at least, that's what the dwarfs claimed.

"1979: Robert Williams, a worker at a Ford Motor Co. plant, was the first known man to be killed by a robot"

AND SO IT BEGINS!

Fry Me to the Moon

In honor of the upcoming North Carolina state fair: a list of "14 Odd Deep-Fried Foods." My take on each of them:

Spaghetti and Meatballs on a Stick: Docked points for being partly inedible--namely, the stick.

Cheeseburger: Sounds good, but could use more bacon. A lot more bacon.

Macaroni & Cheese: Not too bad, but what I'd really like is if each individual macaroni noodle was fried. THEN we'd be talkin'.

Cheese Curds: Fried whey not included.

Pizza: The mechanics of getting a pizza into a deep fat fryer are difficult to comprehend. However, it did give me an idea for a great "Star Wars" parody in which Han Solo is deep-fried instead of being frozen in carbonite

Dill Pickles: Why not get a fried pickle to go along with your fried burger? And why don't you fry the plate too, while you're at it?

Vegetables & Fruit: Thus proving even healthy foods can be brought low.

Pretzels: Crunchy on the outside, and...crunchy on the inside too, I guess.

Cicadas: If God had meant us to deep-fry bugs, he would've created them with a crisp, delicious outer coating.

Coca-Cola: Fried sans can (at least, I really hope it is).

Twinkies: If you ever need to catch a morbidly obese person, dig a hole in the ground, cover it with leaves, and put a fried twinkie on top. Note: make sure the hole is very wide, because as a rule we are not talking about small people here.

Oreos: Perfect for dipping into fried milk. And no, fried milk doesn't actually exist...yet.

Cheesecake: It's delicious AND nutritious, assuming you adhere to the "Eat 10,000 Calories a Day Diet," aka "The Brando."

Mars Bars: "Hey, you got candy bar in my processed lard!" "Hey, you got processed lard on my candy bar!"

A Zen-Like Puzzle

Can you vandalize a graffiti wall? The answer, apparently, is yes.

Now that that's settled, we can move on to more important questions. Like, why did they call themselves the Marshall Tucker Band when none of them were named either Marshall or Tucker? Or, can a hot dog still be considered a "hot" dog if it's no longer hot?

Monday, October 13, 2008

Cellephant

In order to combat the ever-present elephant threat, African park rangers have begun using mobile phone technology. If an elephant gets too close to a village, then BANG! Their cell-equipped collar will send a text message to the nearest ranger.

My only question: what telephone plan do these elephants have? How many minutes do they get? Can they send messages nights and weekends? Hey, that'd make a nice commercial for Verizon or some other phone company:

SMILING VILLAGER: Thanks to Verizon, I'm always warned when a rampaging elephant is about to storm my village!

SMILING RANGER: Thanks to Verizon, I'm always able to keep the elephants in line!

SMILING POACHER: Thanks to Verizon, I profit double from every elephant I kill: I get their tusks and a free cell phone!

Wait, scratch that last one.

Long Time, No...

A 105 year old woman reveals the secret to long life: celibacy. Around the world, thousands of nerds celebrate by spastically waving their arms in the air.

Scrub A Dub Dub

Finally, one of the most perplexing questions in human history has an answer: what makes the perfect shower experience? A team of scientists recently announced their findings. Yes, a whole team of scientists worked on this problem.

I'd really like to know how they went about it. Did they use lab rats, maybe, and just build a bunch of lab-rat-sized showers, possibly with lab-rat-sized conditioner included? Or did they boldly experiment on themselves?

"No, John, don't! It's too dangerous! You don't know what might happen!"

"Julia, if I don't try out the triple-stream HydroFlex shower head, then who will? We can't leave this sort of questions unanswered!"

The worst thing, though, is that the article doesn't tell us what the perfect formula is. The study was commissioned by a shower company, so perhaps they're keeping it secret. Maybe it will be one of those top-secret deals where only two people know the formula, and each of them only knows half.

For example, one guy knows that water is involved. The other knows how to use it. The second guy, needless to say, is the more senior one.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Snake-in-the-Box

And you wonder why so many postal workers...well, go postal. This unfortunate Florida mailman was bitten by a rattlesnake hiding in a mailbox.

...Seriously, a rattlesnake? What on earth was it doing there? Do rattlesnakes usually next in mailboxes? Or was this snake just a complete jerk who wanted to make life difficult for postal workers? We shall never know.

Comfort Food

Headline from Britain's Sky News: "Stricken Nation Turns to Haggis." And who can blame them? When I'm feeling down, nothing cheers me up like a bowlful of chopped intestines wrapped in stomach lining.

Technically, the food isn't actually haggis--it's slatur, an Icelandic dish that achieves the amazing feat of sounding even more revolting than haggis. Says the story:

Over two days spent together in the kitchen, the sheep's head is boiled, the intestines finely chopped and wrapped in stomach lining and even the blood is collected and turned into sausages.

Remember: the family that slaughters sheep and preserves their entrails together, stays together!

Attention All Job-Seekers

Here's a helpful hint. If a prospective boss tells you that you need to get a full-facial tattoo before he can give you the job, it's probably not worth it.

Ah, if only I had known that before I applied for a job with McDonald's two years ago. I didn't even get the job--all I've got to show for it is this lousy golden arches tattooed across my forehead.

Typo! Typo! Typo!

I know I should be doing something important, like saving the world or following the election or even taking out the garbage in my room--which has risen to alarming levels, by the way. Scientists are warning that within two weeks the entire floor might be swamped.

However, I can't pass up this headline: Five Million of People Illiterates in Madagascar. Yes, the problem illiterate can poses a greater challenge at there.

Drink Early, Drink Often

Which candidate will capture the crucial swing vote of 7-11 shoppers? It all depends on which candidate better addresses the issues important to the average 7-11 shopper, namely: 1 carton milk 2 pints ice cream coffee newspaper cheese danish pick up laundry 11 am.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Jews vs. PETA

Now here's something that caught my eye, particularly as I heard a Quiz Bowl question about it just a few hours ago. A rabbi is complaining that he's been harassed by PETA supporters as a result of the old ritual of slaughtering chickens before Yom Kippur.

On the one hand, I do have to ask if killing chickens is really necessary to atone for your sins. On the other hand...I really, really despise PETA. So in this case, I'm going to have to come down on the side of the chosen people. I mean, they've lasted this long. They must be doing something right.

Holy Oil Crisis, Batman!

This story illustrates the truth of the old saying: airport security restrictions will have unintended consequences, such as requiring Armenian clergy to take greater precautions when transporting jars of holy oil.

Yes, I know that's a rather specific saying. But you've got to admit that it really hits the nail right on the head.

And That is Why the Lord Created Men

Welcome to scenic Petersburg, Kentucky! We're so glad you could come by and visit. While you're here, be sure to catch our biggest attraction: the Creation Museum! Yes, at last you can safely protect your children from evolution--or as we like to call it, devil-lution--and instead provide them with a scientific education sanctified from above!

Rebutting evolution--or as we also like to call it, evil-lution--not enough for you? Well, heck, be sure to stop by some of our other exhibits! Come visit the Rock of Ages, an actual 5,000 year old rock with God's signature still on it! Or see the last surviving dinosaur in captivity!* It's all here in Petersburg, Kentucky!


*Note: dinosaur may not actually be surviving

QuikThought (TM)

Couldn't SNL have the decency to let Don Pardo out of the booth where they've kept him for the past three decades? The poor man sounds like he's about to keel over right into the microphone. The last thing we'll hear from is going to be, "And Bill Hade-AAARGH!"

Although come to think of it, that's how I usually react to any mention of Bill Hader. Or the current incarnation of SNL, for that matter.

Friday, October 10, 2008

The Stupidity of Solomon

All I can say is that it's damn lucky this couple never had children. That would've been quite a mess, to say the least.

Lost Plays of William Shakespeare

Timon of Pittsburgh

Romeo and Juliet: Choose Your Own Adventure

Henry XXX

The Maiming of the Shrew

Hamlet Meets Dracula

Antony & Cleopatra & Ted & Alice

Appetite for Dr. Pepper

Sad that it took Dr. Pepper to finally call Axl Rose's bluff. The good doctor has promised everyone in America--every man, woman, child, and man-child--a free can of the bubbly stuff if Rose gets around to releasing "Chinese Democracy" in 2008.

Let's see. It took the Beatles about a year to produce "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," which I think most sane people will judge as the greatest album ever made. Axl has been at work on "Chinese Democracy" for, oh, I don't know, ten years?

What I'm saying is that "Chinese Democracy" had better be the most knock-your-socks off album ever made, or people are going to wonder just what the hell Axl's been doing this past decade. I have a theory of my own, and it rhymes with "bluin' beroin."

Punkin' Chunkin'

In honor of October the Fifteenth, I present you with the Pumpkin Gallery. Nothin' fancy--just a bunch of brilliantly carved Jack-O-Lanterns (Jack O' Lantern? Jacko Lanterns?) My personal favorite would have to be the rather bug-eyed frowny-faced fellow in the middle of the top row. He reminds me a bit of my sixth grade class photo.

Lo and Behold

From the Book of Bizarrus, Chapter 3, Verses 5-112:

"And the prophet spake yet again, this time saying, Behold! It shall come to pass that a virgin shall give birth in the olden dominion. The son shall be long and lean, and his teeth will be legion. He will bring his people out of slavery, and they shall arise and devour hungrily those who have weighted down upon them. And behold again! To mix things up a little, this virgin birth in question shall be a shark."

Mini-Review: Burn After Reading

I just got back from watching the Coen Bros' newest film, "Burn After Reading." My verdict: two thumbs up, with very few reservations. I admit, it's not the dark and majestic masterpiece that was "No Country for Old Men." But it's not quite as unrelentingly grim, either. It's good to know that the Coens still can have a laugh or two.

Indeed, they have at least a laugh or seven or eight. A good chunk of those come courtesy Brad Pitt, playing the gym-obsessed, bleach-blond tipped Chad. Chad, like so many other Coen Brothers characters, has gotten into something completely over his head. He and Linda Letzke (Coen regular Frances McDormand) find a CD packed with what Chad calls "security shit."

The shit in question is property of Osbourne Cox (John Malkovich, who provides most of the non-Brad-Pitt related laughs). Cox is in a bad way. He's lost his job, his wife's cheating on him with cheerfully vulgar treasury agent Harry Pfarer (George Clooney, whose beard brings up memories of Syriana), and he just lost a copy of his memoirs--or his memoi's, as he insists on calling them. Of course, this is what the disc that Chad and Linda have gotten their hands on.

Things soon escalate from misunderstanding to catastrophe to total cinematic armageddon. Chad and Linda try to blackmail Cox. Pfarrer strikes up a relationship with Linda through an online dating service. Linda and Chad try to sell their secrets to the Russian embassy, represented by the cigarette-smoking "Mr. Krapkin." Cox moves into a houseboat and plots revenge against his philandering wife. And two CIA spooks (J. Jonah Jameson and another guy, whose name I promise to look up) wonder what the holy hell is happening.

Some might say "Burn" is just a pale retread of past Coen classics. True, it does feel a little like it was put together with pieces off the cutting room floor. Linda seems like a somewhat dimmer version of Fargo's Marge Gunderson. Harry probably would've been more at home in The Big Lebowski. And Oz is menacing enough to crawled right out of Miller's Crossing.

But so what? The pieces are pretty good, and the final result is excellent. Not the Coen Brothers' best, by any means, but certainly in the top tier. You could do a whole lot worse in a movie theater than "Burn After Reading." Just ask Paul Reubens.*

*Sorry, bad taste.

They Couldn't Do Any Worse Than My Fantasy Team

It's only a matter of time before this catches on. First Magic the Gathering Cards, then Star Wars cards, then Pokemon cards, and now Penn State researcher cards.

Interesting fact #1: The rarest Penn State researcher card is the holo-foil James Tumlinson with the black border

Interesting fact #2: The holo-foil James Tumlinson card with the black border is worth approximately $.05 in Canadian dollars (-$.50 in US dollars)

Guess the Community Ought to Sell that Lamborghini

This is why the Amish prefer to stick to horse-drawn means of transportation. A lot slower, but when was the last time you heard about a "disastrous horse rollover?"

Only the Lonely

Ever feel the crushing sense that you're alone, all alone, in the world? Well, the BBC has got some news that'll cheer you right up. Whenever you're feeling down and out, feeling friendless, just think: at least you're not this bacterium.

The Truth Will Out!

Ho ho ho, Barack Obama! You thought you could sneak your secret Muslim-itude past the American people? Well, you didn't count on the Renssaeler County Board of Elections!