Bizarre Google Search XVII

In honor of the sixty-seventh anniversary of Bob Dylan's existence on this date, I'd like to do a Bizarre Google Search for "it ain't me, babe."
My response? Madness madness madness.

Onward to the South Pole!

On the 100-year anniversary of Ernest Shackleton's ill-fated expedition to the South Pole, his descendants are looking to try the trip themselves. And they want you to join them! Not you, maybe, but someone.

I'd love to give it a shot, but I'm afraid I'm just going to be too busy. This winter I'm going to be part of a group re-enacting the Donner Party's trip across the Sierra Nevadas. And after that, I'm booking a Trans-Atlantic flight on a newly-built model of the Hindenburg.

Neeeeeerds!

To quote Mystery Science Theater 3000, "even the AV Club laughs at these guys!" I give you: the men and the women--but mostly, they're men--of DragonCon!

If you're wondering what DragonCon is, it's kind of like ComicCon, only--well, even I'm not big enough of a nerd to know the difference. But these pictures speak for themselves. Specifically, they say "If you can find people geekier then us, we'd like to see 'em!"

Whoa, is there a spandex convention in town? Let me get my tights!

Real pirates don't need a sign to tell them where to stand.

"We're here! We're dressed up like fictional characters! Get used to it!"

It's (Not) Raining Men

Could global warming be the cause of Australia's man drought? As I know from my AP biology class, and from being a man myself, men flourish best in cool and damp environments. Prolonged exposure to extreme heat can cause sweating, exhaustion, and extreme and uncontrollable complaining.

Ripoff!

Sorry, Kacy Stuart, but "30 Rock" already did this.

Though this story does make me wonder how many of our NFL players might actually be women. Take, for instance, this man--or should I say, this "man":


Sure, he says he's LaDainian Tomlinson. But how do we know LaDainian Tomlinson isn't really LaDainia Tomlinson? Sorry, it's really hard to figure out the feminine form of "LaDainian."

Bound for Glory: Ronnie Kornfeldt

American basketball player Ronnie Kornfeldt arrived in Beijing today looking forward to a chance to play in the Olympics. But for Ronnie, there will be no Olympics this year. Once again, Ronnie has shown up…just a bit too late. It’s a curse he has had to struggle with for most of his life.

It wasn’t always like this for Ronnie. Indeed, he was a premature baby, born 10 months before his due date—much to the surprise of his mother and father, who had yet to even consummate their marriage. Perhaps it was genetic. After all, both of his parents were efficiency experts.

From a young age they drilled Ronnie in the importance of being punctual. Every morning they would wake him up at half-past two and remind him that he needed to wake up at five. They would serve him breakfast at six, following it up with lunch at seven. Dinner was served in between the two at 6:30. He was sent to first grade when his contemporaries were still in preschool, after which his parents pushed him to begin applying to college.

After years of chafing under such a strict regime, Ronnie finally began to rebel. He was late to everything, missing both his first communion and his bar mitzvah. He sometimes would not wake up for a day until 10 A.M. the next day. He missed the school bus, most of his classes, and all his extracurricular activities. His first kiss was forever ruined when he was too late to give it.

Naturally, his lateness made him a terrible athlete. Though he hit a home run in his first Little League at-bat, he moved so slowly around the bases that the opposing outfielder was able to walk down the street to a local sporting goods store, purchase a new ball, and tag Ronnie with it before he reached second base.

But Ronnie began to grow. In fourth grade, he gained six inches. In fifth grade, he shot up eight more. In sixth grade he gained two, before losing three in seventh grade, picking up seven each in eighth and ninth, falling back by nine in tenth grade, and finally stabilizing at six-foot-seven. Ronnie was recruited for his high school basketball team after the coach noticed Ronnie at the school’s field day. Though Ronnie performed badly in most events, he placed first in the event “Be as tall as you possibly can.”

The crowning glory of his high school career came in his senior year during the state playoffs. With his team down by one, the game on the line, Ronnie got the ball. He stepped back, straightened up, and fired a three-pointer that hit nothing but net. Tragically, he was too late. The game had ended three hours earlier.

Ronnie has not heavily recruited coming out of high school. Nor was he moderately recruited, lightly recruited, or even recruited at all. Unable to find a scholarship, he entered into a curious deal with small Division VI school Petite Valley State. Under a contract known as a “reverse scholarship,” he would pay the school $10,000 a year to let him play on their basketball team.

His lateness proved as big an obstacle in college as it had been in high school. He was late to every single practice, workout, and game. At one point his lateness did act to his advantage, when he failed to attend the team’s yearly tradition of getting busted for drug use. When he graduated, he boasted the underwhelming state line of 0.0 points, 0.0 rebounds, and 0.000000 assists. He did, however, set an NCAA record for times penalized for taking too long to shoot free throws. He was flagged 7,346 times, 7,344 times more than the runner-up.

Still, NBA scouts were salivating over Ronnie’s stats, likely because he included a heapin’ helpful of his mother’s mouth-waterin’ biscuits with every copy he sent out. This proved enough to secure Ronnie workouts with the Golden State Warriors, the Philadelphia 76ers, and the Seattle SuperSonics. Once again, he was foiled by his chronic lateness. By the time he showed up, the Warriors had ended workouts, the 76ers had finalized their roster, and the SuperSonics had moved to another city. In desperation, Ronnie applied for a spot on the US Olympic team.

Coach Mike Krzyzewski was intrigued by what Ronnie brought to the table. He was a complete package. Not only could Ronnie not shoot, he could also not run, not jump, and not defend. No other player covered so many bases at once. The coach also praised Ronnie’s bad attitude, knowing that bad team chemistry had long been a trademark of Team USA.

He was invited to join the team as the 16^th, coming off the bench after Carlos Boozer, the two team managers, and LeBron James’s mother. He immediately began preparing, and by July he was showing up for things later then he ever had before in his life. Sadly, however, the last thing he was late for was the flight to Beijing. And you know the rest of that sad, sad story.

Will Ronnie ever succeed? We don’t know. All we know is that when success does come to Ronnie, it’ll be a little…later…than usual.

A Ripping Good Yarn

Quick, call the people from "Cold Case"--we might have caught Jack the Ripper! True, he's been dead for about half a century, but please recall that there's no statue of limitations when it comes to murder. The only issue will be extraditing from Australia, where he's supposedly buried.

PS. He's currently mouldering in "Toowong Cemetary," the name of which sounds like the punchline for an obscene, racist joke about the Chinese.

Midnight TV Schedule

TONIGHT on ESPN10

10:30: Half an Hour of Bobby Knight's Greatest Hits, Punches, and Throttles

11:00: The Chad Johnson Show (Now the Chad Ocho Cinco Show)

11:30: The World Haggis Eating Competition

11:32: The World Haggis Regurgitating Competition

Stranger than Fiction

This story is, sadly, not at all unusual. Why, I recall a story form just a few months back about how the filming of "Speed Racer" was held up after Speed kept getting pulled over for...speeding.

And His Good Friend Rawn Weezli

So is "Hari Puttar" a ripoff of "Harry Potter"? From what I've read, I can conclude two things:

1. It doesn't seem like a ripoff of Harry Potter
2. It does, however, seem like a complete and total ripoff of the "Home Alone" series

My guess? Everybody's going to be so tangled up over the ripped-off name, the ripped-off plot will be able to sneak by unnoticed. Those tricky Bollywooders!

Ocho Psycho

Chad Johnson of the Cincinnati Bengals, a leading contender for the title of "All-Time Greatest Head Case in Sports," has legally changed his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco.

If he ever gets tired of the Ocho Cinco moniker--which, given Johnson's track record, should happen within the next few days--I have a few suggestions for new names:

German: Chad Acht Funf
Scientific Notation: Chad 8.5 x 10 to 1st
Binary: Chad 10010101

Glad to be of help, Mr. O.C.!

Bizarre Google Search XVI

It's Bizarre Google Search's Super Sweet Sixteen! To make this the best google search ever, I've rolled out a special search term: "scary monsters and super creeps."


Scary? No. A super creep? Yes.

Think Mink

FROM THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF MINK SAFETY

WARNING--All citizens of the state of Utah should be advised that the current mink alert level has been raised from "gnarly green" to "raspberry red" as a result of a recent mink escape. If you see a rogue mink, do not attempt to confront it. It is almost certainly armed and dangerous. Instead, please contact your local mink control officer.

Remember these handy tips when dealing with a mink outbreak:
-A mink is capable of spitting poison from a distance of more than 20 yards
-The average mink has a horizontal leap of nearly 3 meters
-The mink is probably more scared of you then you are of it, which is pretty ridiculous, given that a mink could tear your head off without half trying
-Minks can emit high-pitched sonic screeches that can disable a human from a distance of ten paces

Again, if you see a mink, call local mink control and then run like heck. We also recommend that you pray, preferably to a Christian God.

Little-Known Patron Saints

Saint Vlad—Patron saint of Satanism; the Vatican’s still not quite sure how he slipped through the screening process

Saint Grgeyor—Patron saint of dyslexia

Saint Patron—Patron saint of meta-humor

Saint Luke—Used to be patron saint of physicians, but has temporarily been bumped back to patron saint of physicians’ assistants as a result of a spat with God

Saint Norman—Patron saint of itches you really want to scratch but can’t quite reach, no matter how hard you stretch

Saint Elsewhere—Patron saint of gritty, underfunded hospitals in the south side of Boston

That's How We Roll at Iowa Community College

Hey there! Are you a young and/or not-young adult looking for a good education? Well, why not try your luck at Iowa Community College? ICC offers a diverse range of opportunities for everyone from recent high-school graduates to adults seeking to continue their education.

Our perks include:

1. Free internet access!*

2. Free gym facilities!**

3. Free lunches in the school cafeteria!***

4. And most importantly, a fun-loving administration!****

So what the hell are you waiting for? Come to Iowa, and watch your Iowa-related dreams start to come true!

*Free internet can only be accessed through special computers, which can be purchased for $10,000 at student stores

**Lockers, showers $5,000 a person

****We don't actually have a cafeteria

*****He got fired, and we don't know how cool the new guy is about drinking

The Honeymoon is Over

I'm already falling out of love with prospective vice president Sarah Palin. Why, you ask? Because how can she protect the people of America from terrorists when she can't even protect the people of her own state from bear attacks?

But I won't give up hope just yet. I'm going to see if anyone at the Republican National Convention addresses this pressing issue. The DNC did a woeful job on the subject; they didn't even have so much as a moment of silence for the many Americans killed by our mortal enemy, the bear.

Judgment Day is at Hand

From the Book of Lesser Known Revelations:

"And behold, the angel did open up the twenty-seventh scroll, and did speak thus "HEARKEN CLOSELY, my son, because I see thou art getting fairly sleepy after twenty-six other scrolls, and I do promise thou that we art in the home stretch. And I DID OBEY, though my head did nod and my eyes did flicker, for I reckoned it would be truly impolite to nod off upon the very DAY OF JUDGMENT.

"And the twenty-seventh scroll was opened, and it did read 'The Detroit Lions shall be the only undefeated team in the National Football League.' And my heart became light, for I knew now that the day of reckoning would never come, because such a thing as that can never come to pass."

Nifty Fifty

If laughter really does add years to your life, then I am proud to offer you a real-life Fountain of Youth: the All-Time 50 Greatest Comedy Sketches of All Time Ever in History!

LAUGH at classics like "Who's On First?" and "The Ministry of Silly Walks"

CHORTLE at lesser-known gems like "Scenes from an Idiot's Marriage" and "The Pre-Taped Call-in Show"

CRY--I mean, CHUCKLE WARMLY at quirky British sketches like "Four Candles" and "The Ginger Refuge

BUY Pepsi-Cola Products!

This post sponsored by Pepsi-Cola. Pepsi-Cola does not endorse any of the above sketches, with the exception of "The Ministry of Silly Walks," because we think it's really funny.

Dead, in the Water

And while we're on the subject of bad lessons: I think the moral of this story is to never, ever drink water. Sure, this woman suffered from an uncontrollable compulsion to drink huge amounts of water, something that very few of us suffer from. But how do we know when enough is enough? What if that glass of water you hold in your hand right now is the fatal cup, the one that'll push you over the edge?

All I know is that I'm sticking with Gatorade from now on. They're bound to roll out a "Water-Flavored" Gatorade pretty soon anyway.

Taking a Fall

There's a lesson to be learned from this story. Unfortunately, I think that lesson might be "Always wear a diaper," and I'm not sure I can live with that.

"Turn That Damn Light Off!"

Headline from iafrica.com: "Consensual sex in spotlight"

Aren't there a lot better--and more private--places to do it?

Tipo!

Headline from the AFP: "Obama enjoins battle after historic nomination."

Really? He enjoined the battle? He prescribed a course of action to it, with authority and emphasis? "Now listen here, battle, you're going to stop happening right now, and you're going to like it."

I live for finding things like this, which may be one of the reasons my life is so sad.

Vice Squad

Just so you know: I wasn't wrong when I predicted John McCain would pick Tim Pawlenty as his vice-president. To quote John Edwards, what I told you was 99% accurate. The 1% I missed was the part about him not actually picking Tim Pawlenty.

On Sarah Palin: I'm glad to see that, if McCain wins, we'll have our first vice-president with a beehive hairdo since Levi P. Morton.

Bizarre Google Search XV

In honor of this, the XVth Bizarre Google Search, I proudly bestow upon you the results for "watch out for falling rocks.":


I think that size is now available at most movie theaters.

Green Card

The DNC's plan to use environmentally-friendly wooden hotel card keys has gone poorly, presumably because it was a completely stupid. Look, just because a guy offers to hand-whittle you a bunch of card keys on the cheap doesn't mean you have to take him up on it.

QuikJoke (TM)

Nun One: Why are you knitting, Mother Superior?
Nun Two: Oh, it's a habit.

(Cue rim shot)

The Sex Files

SCULLY: This man...looks like he was pulled inside-out through his bellybutton. Mulder, what on earth could have done something like this?

MULDER: Scully, to be frank with you, I don't care a whole lot about that right now. In fact, there's one thing on my mind: *BLEEP*

SCULLY: What?

MULDER: You heard what I said: *BLEEP*. A nice hard *BLEEP* would sure help me relax right now. Just a quick *BLEEP* in the *BLEEP* *BLEEP* and a *BLEEP* and finish it off with a *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEEEEEEP*

DIRECTOR: Cut!

A Sweet Story

I've heard some ridiculous stories in my day, but this one takes the cake.

McCain's VP Pick

...Will be Tim Pawlenty. Granted, I have no proof of that. But when has that ever stopped me from scrambling after a scoop?

PS. My spellchecker insists that Tim Pawlenty's name should be "Tim Aplenty." From now on, that's what I'm going to be calling him. Tim Aplenty! Sounds like some bizarre competitor to Chips Ahoy.

PPS. My spellchecker also insists that "spellchecker" is not a real world. Low self-esteem, I suppose.

Bizarre Google Search XIV

I feel the baleful grasp of a cold on my throat, so I'd better wrap this sucker up and leave it out to dry. Let's do a Bizarre Google Search for "I am a rock":

Please elaborate, Doug.

Entrees You Don't Want to Try

Chicken-Fried Something

Glazed Glaze with a Glazing of Glaze

Alaskan King Salmonella

Chef's Finger Surprise

Moose Mousse

Spaghetti & Feetballs

The Queasinart

Brutal Honesty

From a Craigslist "Nanny Wanted" ad:

"If you are fundamentally unhappy with your life, you will be more unhappy if you take this job."

Plus points for honesty. Minus points for...everything else, I suppose.

More Addictive than Cocaine...

...Is how one former addict described Film Invisibles to me. The premise is simple: take a famous scene from a movie. Now delete the people from the scene, leaving everything else behind--clothes included. Now, it's your job to guess what the movie is.

See if you can beat my high score, which for any given test is 25%. Every time I do this, I lose a bit of faith in myself as a movie buff. But I can get at least one still this week: Batman! And that means the original Batman, the one where Prince was in cahoots with the Joker.

Restau-rat

Welcome to Cambodia Gardens Restaurant!

We regret to inform you that we will no longer be serving our traditional, delicious Cambodian dishes. However, we are mildly pleased to present you with a new, updated menu:

SWEET & SOUR RAT: Small chunks of rat, deep fried and served with the chef's secret sweet & sour sauce

SPICY BROWN RAT: Brown rat in brown sauce! How could it be browner?

SPECIAL FAMILY DISH: RAT, CHICKEN, LAMB, PORK: Now with 100% chicken, lamb, and pork and 100% more rat

NEW! TUESDAY' IS BRING YOUR OWN RAT NIGHT!

We thank you for your patronage and hope to see you again, although to be frank, we really don't expect to.

The Hazy Moors of China

From the very, very slim filed labeled "Chinese Human Rights Abuses Committed Against People from Scotland": Chinese cops nearly arrested a Scottish bagpiper after mistaking his pipes for a weapon.

Wait, they arrested a guy playing the bagpipes? Did I say "Human Rights Abuses?" I meant "Services to Humanity."

But in all seriousness, folks, I've got nothing against bagpipes or against people who play the bagpipes. I just don't think those two should ever be allowed to get together.

QuikJoke (TM)

In the world market, the price of oil has gone way up, while gold has gone way done. Which means that Fort Knox is now worth less than the Citgo next door.

*Kack*-ing Rose

So Neil Diamond is offering a refund to concert goers who were disappointed by his laryngitis impaired performance? This gives me an idea...what if I follow Neil everywhere, go to every concert, and after every one--I complain that he disappointed me and demand a refund? I would send him a letter that would go something like this:

Dear Mr. Neil Diamond,

My name is Will Schultz and I'm a senior at Harvard. (side note--I figure Harvard will carry a little more weight with him). I attended your concert of last night and was severely disappointed by your gross breach of the entertainer-entertainee contract. I specifically anticipated the following things, not one of which you actually did:

1) Perform the Led Zeppelin classic "Stairway to Heaven"
2) Climax the show by shooting fireworks from your guitar and/or mouth
3) Perform several somersaults across the stage
4) Sing an a cappella version of the theme from "Shaft"
5) Pull a rabbit from your hat and/or guitar and/or mouth
6) Not suck

Thus, I regretfully regret to inform you that I regretfully demand a full refund, both for the price of the ticket and for the $300 worth of concessions I purchased (side note--I like soft pretzels. A lot). Regretfully. Please wire the money to me at my earliest convenience. That happens to be right now, by the way.

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton II (side note--I figure this name might carry a little more weight)

Ha ha ha! So I'll get free money and free trips to Neil Diamond concerts! Wait a minute--did I just get happy about the possibility of going to a Neil Diamond concert?

Democratic Party Pooper

Hey, all you folks who laughed at Denver back when they banned carrying urine and feces? In your face! God knows what this maniac might have done, but carrying around a bottle of feces is rarely a sign of good intentions--except perhaps in a few primitive societies, like the French.

El Fight de la Food

It's that time of year, the time when the leaves begin to fall from the trees, the weather starts to get colder, and the Spanish hold massive tomato-fueled food fights.

Great idea for a Tom Clancy-esque thriller: a terrorist sneaks into whatever silo they store the tomatoes in before game time. His plan? To implant each and every tomato with a slow-acting genetically engineered virus. Everyone will be infected on the day of the fight and will proceed to spread the virus around the world when they return home.

Or, possibly, he just steals the tomatoes and replaces them with tomato-shaped grenades. Less world-devestating, but probably more fun to watch.

Bizarre Google Search XIV

Why has posting been so light today? It's because, to quote the great Robert Johnson, I've got a hellhound on my trail. Only in this case the hellhound is German homework. Not quite as hellish, but still plenty unpleasant. That reminds me! Today's Bizarre Google Search is for "hellhound on my trail"!


Uh...ow?

Potential Host Cities for the 2016 Olympics

Des Moines—The Des Moines Tourism Board admits that it’s a longshot, but they’re not giving up hope

Baghdad—As an incentive for the Iraqis to get their act together by 2016

Las Vegas—Their odds of getting it currently stand at 3:1

My Friend Steve’s—Aw, yeah, Steve has a pool, and we could hold the swimming events out there, and he’s right by the soccer field, and he’s got a big rec room for the opening ceremonies, it’d be so great

Peking—“What? They’re different cities, we swear!”

Chernobyl—A celebration of healing on the 30^th anniversary of the disaster; medals will be awarded in lead, uranium, and plutonium varieties

Mitt Romney—Whoops, wrong list

Bizarre Google Search XIII

Bizarre Google Search XIII? Oh man, that's totally unlucky. Let me get this over with as quickly as possible. I need a short search. Hmm, how about "unlucky"?


Heh heh...I know how ya feel, buddy.

Products Endorsed by Bob Dylan

The Doorbell Chimes of Freedom

BobShield Home Defense: So You Don't End Up Like Hattie Carroll

How Many Roads Must a Man Walk Down? The Bob Dylan Trivia Game

The McDonald's Flurricane

Desolation Joe: Official Bob Dylan Coffee

The Four-Wheelin' Bob Dylan ATV

Masters of War G.I. Joe Playset

My Bread and Butter

For your perusal I offer: the list of unnecessary knowledge! Jam-packed full of completely useless trivia that you will never, ever need in a million years, or probably even a billion! Needless to say, I've already spent...far too long in this site.

What do I get from it? More of an education then I'm getting in the classroom. I mean, where else would I learn that "turtles can breathe through their butts"? Not in "History of the Russian Revolution," that's for certain.

But Will He Be a Stool Pigeon?

Here's a pet care tip from me to you. Whenever your dog tears up your sofa, or your cat brings home a small, dismembered corpse that once might have been a mouse, take a deep breath and remind yourself that at least your pets aren't dealing hard drugs.

My personal favorite part of the story: " The bird has been taken into custody while an investigation is carried out." By which they mean...they put him in a birdcage? There's no other way I can figure it.

"There's a Bathroom on the Right"

Having a bad day? Did it rain and you forgot your umbrella? You get pulled over for speeding? Forget your homework? Find out you've got a lethal disease that'll kill you in the next 24 hours in an unbelievably painful way?

For the last one: I'm sorry. But for the rest, I've got something that can cheer you up: misheard lyrics! Nothing short of the deadening embrace of whiskey and heroin picks me up like misheard song lyrics. Take this one from the J. Geils Band:

Right: "My angel is a centerfold"
Misheard: "My anus is the center hole"

Note: The J. Geils Band are not licensed medical doctors and should not be trusted on matters of anatomy & physiology.

Or from the popular prog-arena-art-whatever-rock band Kansas:

Right: "Dust in the wind/All we are is dust in the wind"
Misheard: "Ducks in the wind/All we are is ducks in the wind"

It was a shameless bid to get soundtrack rights for the popular video game "Duck Hunt"

And finally, I leave you with this epic mishearing of the Eagles classic "Hotel California":

ON a dark desert highway, cool whip in my hair
I saw a paraplegic, rising up from his chair
Up ahead in the quicksand, I saw a shivering light
I hit too heavy in my sack of gin
I had to stop for the night

I'd pay good money, or possibly even bad money, to hear the Eagles perform that one in concert.

Chutzpah

The old definition: Killing your parents and then pleading for mercy because you're an orphan.

The new definition: Killing a guy in a hit-and-run accident, then suing the city for not protecting your car after they impound it.

The Matrix: The Prequel

Behold, people of America: the first eco-gym! It will be powered by people running on the treadmills.

That's only the first step, though. Next, each gym-goer will be fitted with a special device to capture their sweat and filter it into a water bottle for easy re-use. And who knows where we'll go after that?

Arsenic and Oat Bran

You know the old truism that the food that tastes good for you is bad for you, and vice-versa? Well, here's an exception: rice bran! It doesn't taste very good, and it also might have arsenic in it!

Hmmm...maybe I should toss out that box of "Rice Bran O's" I bought for breakfast. I was kind of suspicious when the box said "Contains a free Batman (TM) stomach pumping kit."

Bizarre Google Search XII

This day of posting has been a bit truncated, for which I apologize. Take my apologies, and also take this Bizarre Google Search for "Lost in the Supermarket":


Isn't that what we're all really wondering, kid?

Meeting a Grizzly End

I'm a bad driver, so I've hit a lot of things in my driving career. A couple curbs, a mailbox, a few trashcans, and the odd pedestrian.

But never a grizzly bear. Why, even the thought of hitting one is...unbearable. But if I ever did hit one, I suppose I would...grin and bear it.

Well, that about exhausts my extremely bottomless supply of bear-related puns. I do know one commenter probably has quite a few, though.

Unusual Dog Breeds

Pittle—Combination of a pit bull and a poodle. It looks ridiculous, but it’ll kill you if you laugh at it.

Chowchowhuahua--An adorable mix of chow chow and chihuahua

Grey Bull—Combination of a greyhound and a pit bull. It can chase you down and kill you with ease.

Plug hound—Combination of a pug and a blood hound. You could hide a small army in its facial wrinkles

Dachbradooglernarfghoxerhuastiff—Put together a dog orgy and this is what you get

Ratweiller—A mix of a rottweiler and one of the many breeds of small, yappy dogs

Bull bull—Combination of a bull dog and a pit bull. Ranks very high on the “do not mess with” scale.

Jack Russell octopus--Mix of a Jack Russell terrier and an octopus. Dog breeders are still a bit puzzled as to how this one came about.

Umen-Your-a-Screwed

Oh, man, this is totally going to mess up my fantasy team this year. Not only was Umenyiora an integral part of my team's defense. I had also picked him as my starting quarterback, running back, tight end, kicker, and as three of my four wide receivers. Some might say I was putting a little too much faith in Umenyiora. I would reply: shut up!

Mini Bites

Preface: I know this sounds extremely crotchety, but I can't help myself, dangnabit. I'm convinced that, as time goes on, our artistic standards are dropping faster and faster. Soon, they'll hit some point where art and everyday life are pretty much indistinguishable, and Damien Hirst will be counting his billions and laughing.

Point 1: Painting, which has devolved from the works of the Old Masters to...modern art. And while some modern art is good, I think I can safely say that most modern art is eye-gougingly terrible. But more on that later.

Point 2: The popularity of "mini-lit," bite-sized books, articles, and other sorts of literary miscellania. And by "bite-sized," I mean "shorter than what you find on the back of a box of Frosted Flakes." This article mentions "six-word memoirs, four-word film reviews, [and] twelve-word novels."

Hell, I could do that! OK, here's my autobiography:

"Born in New Jersey, died on stage in Vegas."

I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, but I'm going to chalk it up to artistic license.

And now here's my new novel:

"The door crashed open and out came a monstrous hybrid of Hitler and a praying mantis."

Thrilling! I think I might have found a career, assuming my dream job of garbage collector doesn't pan out.

"My Name Be Boutro Boutros-Ghali, Put Down Your Piece, and Listen to Bob Marley"

International symbols of peace:

-The dove
-The olive branch
-The peace symbol
-Bob Marley

QuikJoke (TM)

You might ask: where was I yesterday, and why wasn't I posting? My answer: I spent all of yesterday trying to come up with an absolutely dynamite joke. And I succeeded. Here are the sweet, succulent fruits of my labor:

What do you do at a Communist Party?
You socialize!

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. And most of next week too, actually. And, with luck, a couple more weeks after that.

Vijilanties

Yep, this here town used to be a purty rough place. Yew couldn't walk down a street without gittin' ambushed by a typo leapin' out at you from nowheres. Ev'rywhere you looked, nothin' but typographical errors--a missin' "O" in the saloon sign, an extra apostrophe on dry goods store. Was a real dark time fer all of us, it was.

Things changed, of course, when those boys from TEAL rolled inter town. Yep, things were never quite the same.

"The Simpsons" Already Did It

Well, I'm not a communist, a drug user, or a homosexual. And I don't read The Guardian. So why shouldn't I be eligible for this competition? I think I'd do quite well as a British lord. For example, I've been told that I look smashing in a monocle.

I'll Wait for the Coaches' Poll

U.S. News & World Report has just released their new and improved list of the TOP 25 UNIVERSITIES IN AMERICA. You know that this is a SERIOUS, OFFICIAL LIST because they USE A LOT OF NUMBERS IN THEIR CALCULATIONS and have a BIG COMPLEX ALGORITHM that IS TOTALLY NOT COMPLETE NONSENSE.

Once again, the top three are Harvard, Yale, and Princeton. This is a huge shakeup from last year, when the top three were Yale, Princeton, and Harvard. And that was a total revolution from the year before, when it went Princeton, Harvard, and Yale. I ask: what would it take to knock one of those three out of the top spot?

Also, if you go to a public school: sucks for you! Yes, you might have thought you were getting a quality education at a good price. Ha ha, you thought wrong! Unless you pay $50,000 a year, you might as well have attended college at the North Wyoming Institute for the Legally Moronic.

The God That Failed

My recommendation: if you want to ask a crocodile for its blessings, do so from a very great distance. A better recommendation: if you're going to ask any animal for its blessings, please choose one that's not capable of tearing your flesh from the bones.

Double Dip

A good story with a great headline. The great one first:

"Penguin targets lonely bookworms."

If you're ever home alone late at night, curled up with the latest John Grisham book, and you hear a dull slapping sound coming closer, closer...run! Run, or the penguins will get you!

Now on the what the story is actually about. Allow me to quote from the story:

Members will be asked to list their favourite books in their profile and will be able to search for suitors with similar literary tastes.

"Hi, my name's Bing, and my favorite books include "Tropic of Cancer," "Portnoy's Complaint," and the collected works of the Marquis de Sade."

"Hi, I'm Gary and I love 'Mein Kamp.'"

"My name is Alex and my favorite books are 'Go, Dog, Go!" and 'The Cat in the Hat." I'm not a six-year-old screwing around online, I swear!"

The possibilities are endless! I guess that's why it's frightening.

Bizarre Google Search XII

I'm feeling a little tired, so you'll forgive me if I wrap up posting a bit early. No, you don't understand. You will forgive me. As consolation, marvel upon this Bizarre Google Search for "rock you like a hurricane."


Que?

Galleria of Lame Supervillains: Plantman

Plant Man is an excellent example of truth in advertising. He’s a man. He works with plants. Boom, boom, done. Of course, when I say “works with plants,” I don’t mean that he has a part-time job at the nursery. Though he actually might, for all I know. He must have had some means of paying for this costume:

What Plant Man does with plants is use them to commit crime. Stop snickering! I’m serious. He would use them to commit dastardly acts, vile crimes that would chill the heart of any…if you’re not going to be serious about this, I might as well stop doing it.

Fine, fine, I’ll keep going. Plant Man had complete control over plants and could make them do his bidding. Now, you’d think that he was pretty much out of luck unless his bidding happened to be “photosynthesize!”

But it turns out that not all plants are as sweet and gentle as we’ve been led to believe. Yes, though they might look beautiful, it turns out that plants want only one thing…to kill you. And in the war between plants and animals, Plantman is playing the part of Erwin Rommel for the plants. Well, bad example. He’s really less Erwin Rommel and more Colonel Klink.

All of Plantman’s schemes involved plants popping up in unexpected places and surprising his enemies. Surprise was about the only thing they achieved, because Plantman had failed to count on the fact that he was fighting superheroes with goddamn plants. But he never gave up his pursuit of a chlorophyll-infused life of crime. Presumably, it was because he had sunk a lot of money into that costume and wasn’t about to change it.

Here are just a few clips from the highlight reel entitled “Plantman Does His Darndest to Terrorize Society”:

July 5, 1986—Plantman spoils the 13^th Annual Lake Winnepucket Boating Party by causing a vicious outbreak of ragweed that leaves dozens teary-eyed. He is never caught.

July 6, 1986—Plantman is caught and sentenced to 20 hours of community service cleaning up Lake Winnepucket. He completes his sentence, but like any good villain he does a crappy job at it.

May 23, 1990—Plantman is given $100,000 by the Mafia to kill Manhattan judge Henry Roland. He puts his plan into operation by planting an acorn outside the judge’s door. Over the course of several decades, he plans for the acorn to grow into a towering oak, which he will then order to fall on and crush the judge.

May 24, 1990—On hearing this plan, the Mafia asks for their money back; Plantman reluctantly agrees.

January 3, 1997—Plantman plans a daring heist. He will breed a dozen giant-sized Venus Flytraps and use their muscle—or whatever plant have—to rob the First Central Bank in downtown Chicago.

January 4, 1997—The heist is aborted when a cold snap kills off the Venus Flytraps.

November 25, 2000—Plantman is arrested for speeding through a red light. You see? He’s so badass, he doesn’t even need plants to help him commit crimes!

February 2, 2002—Plantman schemes to spoil Super Bowl XXXVI by causing the grass at the Louisiana Superdome to grow 50 feet high at halftime, causing untold frustration by the millions of viewers.

February 3, 2002—The plan is ruined when Plantman discovers that the field in the Superdome is actually AstroTurf. He instead tries to ruin the game by repeatedly jinxing the overwhelmingly favored St. Louis Rams. At this, he succeeds.

Wow, that’s a rap sheet that would put the mutant offspring of Al Capone and Charles Manson to shame!

Plantman never got the notoriety he deserved. This was pretty pathetic when you consider that he deserved no notoriety at all. To miss even that lowly goal is sad, even for someone who dresses like a ChemGro-sponsored gremlin.

Reel Big Fish

A North Carolina man just caught a record-breaking catfish--using a Barbie fishing pole. I assume the pole came with the newly released Barbie in Mayberry set.

As to the fish itself? The guy announced his plans to bring it home on his Big Wheel and fry it up on the Easy-Bake oven. Of course, before he cooks it he'll make sure to prepare it using the My First Deboning Kit (for ages 1-5, no longer available in stores).

Breaking News!

Headline from the Christian Science Monitor: "Americans love picnics--except when they don't."

Well, uh, that really covers all the bases, doesn't it?

Gone to Pot

When I was growing up in the boondocks of North Carolina, I spent hours wandering through the woods in my backyard. I stumbled across all sorts of wonderfully bizarre sights, from a basketball-sized beehive to an enormous chunk of ice in mid-April.

But I never found anything like this. Which is just as well, I suppose. I probably would have tried to eat one of them.

Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky

Dear Mr. Steinmitz,

We here at Clayton Mortuary Home would like to thank you for choosing us for your cremation needs. However, we regret to inform you that your loved one's ashes were lost while being shipped from the crematorium to the cemetery.

We apologize for any inconvenience and/or terminal grief this may have caused you. However, because you are a loyal customer--our records show you have trusted us to incinerate nearly half of your immediate family--we would like to offer you a special deal.

If you visit Clayton Mortuary Home anytime within the next week, you will be free to pick from a diverse selection of replacement ashes at no extra cost to you. Assistants will be on hand to help you select only the highest-quality cremated remains. Again, we apologize for the inconvenience.

Sincerely,
J.J. Clayton
Clayton Mortuary Home

A Potential Sequel to 'Best in Show"?

It's silly when adults dress their kids up for beauty contests. It's a little cruel when they dress up their dogs and cats.

But when they dress up their guinea pigs? Then...well, the only way I can react is with dumbfoundation.

Next Up, "Marty: The Life & Times of Martin Scorsese"

It's official: they will now make a musical out of everything, as long as it sits still long enough for someone to bang out a couple of songs about it. We had cats (Cats), trains (Starlight Express), and peyote (Suessical). Now, we have Stan the Man, a musical based on the works of Stanley Kubrick.

I'm not going to pass judgment on Stan the Man. I will say, however, that my long-dormant dream of writing a musical based on the life of William McKinley suddenly looks a lot more realistic.

Emus of Unidentified Origin

List of places where you should find emus:

1. Australia
2. The zoo

List of places where you should not find emus

1. Space
2. Zimbabwe
3. My room
4. A guy's yard in Alabama

Bizarre Google Search XI

It's almost press time, which means it's time to put this baby to bed. So let's wrap it up with a Bizarre Google Search for "the golden age of mankind.":


(Stunned silence)

Some Questions Don't Need Asking

But Wired magazine goes ahead and asks them anyway. In this case, the question is "What Sort of D&D Character would John McCain be?" One commenter suggests a "gelatinous cube."

I'm inclined to think of him as some kind of wizened old halfling warlock, probably chaotic neutral. He would carry the Maverick Blade and could protect himself behind the Shield of Media Invulnerability. Mounted astride his noble horse Straight Talk, McCain rides in his never-ending pursuit of the White Castle (not the burger place, of course).

Beware, though! He carries the dreaded W Curse, which will drain 5 poll points each media cycle if he fails to make a successful distancing roll.

Will’s Post-Preseason Football Poll Top 11 Minus 1

1. Ohio State—If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. If at second you don’t succeed, try, try again. And if at third you don’t succeed, you’re probably Jim Tressel and the Ohio State Buckeyes.
2. Georgia—The Bulldogs have a lot of pressure, especially now that coach Mark Richt has declared he will kill himself if they don’t win the championship.
3. USC—Man, is that defense great. No, it’s better than great, it’s phenomenal. No, no, it’s perfect. That defense is so impenetrable, I don’t know why USC is even bothering to field an offense. The defense is just that good.
4. Oklahoma—Bob Stoops looks to reclaim his old nickname, “Big Game Bob,” and lose his current one, “Bob the Stupid Goddamn Idiot Who Always Chokes During Big Games.”
5. Florida—Hey, have you heard about this Tim Tebow kid? He’s really one of the buried treasures of the college football. A real diamond in the rough, this guy.
6. Missouri—Chase Daniel is proving that there’s a place for short quarterbacks in modern football. Specifically, that place is in round 7 of the NFL draft followed by a brief career with the Edmonton Eskimos.
7. West Virginia—Pat White really is a do-everything quarterback. He passes, he runs, he tackles, he returns kicks, he makes kicks, he shoots 50% from behind the arc, he bats above .300, he can fly, he can shoot lasers from his nose…
8. Clemson—It looks like Tommy Bowden is going to avoid his father’s career path—an era of greatness followed by a gradual decline—by skipping the whole “era of greatness” part.
9. Auburn—Good news: Auburn looks ready to reassert its position as the best damn school in Alabama. Bad news: those two little words in Alabama.
10. Texas Tech—Look for Texas Tech’s offense to greatly improve when they upgrade their air assault from a figurative assault with a football to an actual assault with stealth bombers.

Da-Dum, Da-Dum, Da-DUM, Da-DUM

Scientists have discovered that the jaws of great whites are, in fact, powerful enough to bite through just about anything, whether it's sheet metal, a wooden boat bottom, or Robert Shaw.

One of the scientists goes on to note that great whites "are surprisingly cautious predators. The perception that they are mindless, aggressive, feeding machines is something of a misnomer. They are actually quite timid."

That's very reassuring. If I'm ever killed by a great white, I'll be glad to know I was done in, not by an aggressive feeding machine, but a sensitive and timid soul. Maybe one who writes poetry in his spare time.

Today's Question

These unbelievable pictures: do you believe them?


Hmm...I'm going to have to think about this one.

I'm going to credit StumbleUpon with the assist for this one.

Don't Show, Don't Tell

If this hadn't actually happened, it would sound like the plot of a very, very bad sitcom, probably starring David Spade as the uncle. To all the drug-users reading my blog--and I know who you are!--this story should teach you two things:

1. Don't do drugs around kids
2. OK, OK, if you have to do drugs, be very careful about where you put them

Could have been worse, I suppose. I mean, what if the uncle had been a serial killer who left human remains lying around the house? It would've been a whole lot more awkward for the teacher, let me tell you.

Young Adolescent Snatching

A Delaware boy ended up miles from home after getting into the wrong car and falling asleep. I have three reactions to this story:

1. This is probably the biggest news story to come out of Delaware since...oh, I guess that whole business with Caesar Rodney and the Declaration of Independence

2. This is a sign that humans are weak and are doomed to lose the war against nature. Why, the animals in Homeward Bound found their way home across mountains, rivers, and deserts. This kid didn't even leave the state, and he still needed the cops to bring him back! The lesson: begin abandoning your children at an early age. Only then will they be able to learn.

3. This happened to me once. But I'm pretty sure it was intentional on the part of my parents. I got a bit too pushy in asking for a raise in my allowance, and the next thing I knew I was being crammed into the trunk of a strange car.

Bound for Glory: Bruce Gadd

There are better runners out there than Bruce Gadd. There are faster sprinters and tougher marathon runners. Yet none of them has the sort of heart that Bruce has. You see, Bruce Gadd has no arms and legs.

Bruce was born to a single-father household; his mother died three months before his birth. His father was an eccentric former decathlete who believed that to be a great athlete one had to be raised by wild animals. Lacking any nearby wild animals, he abandoned Bruce in the seal pit at the nearby zoo. Though management initially objected, they backed off after seeing the incredible spike in ticket sales.

At the age of 21, Bruce entered his first race. He finished first in his age group, remarkable for someone who had never run before in his life. True, his victory was marred somewhat by the fact that the race was the Weehauken Elementary 1-Mile Tot Trot. True, he was the only entrant in his age group, “Eight and above.” But it was still an incredible accomplishment. The Tot Trot memorialized his stunning victory by imposing a ten-year-old age limit for competitors.

Then, tragedy struck Bruce in the face like a big snowball made of tragedy. His father, looking to reconnect with Bruce after years of neglect, had taken Bruce to Disney World. The theme park had just opened a new attraction, Goofy's Arm-Slicer. Tragically, it worked all too well. Bruce left Disney World minus his left arm. The Walt Disney Corporation offered to compensate by giving him unlimited tickets for the Arm-Slicer, but Bruce declined.

When he was 24, Bruce made a bold decision and enlisted in the army. Despite his handicap he became notorious as a risk-taker. He tempted fate, serving in the army’s explosives-handling unit and juggling chainsaws in his spare time. He later joined the army’s first-ever shark-wrestling squad.

Amazingly, Bruce completed his army service with all three limbs intact. To celebrate, he and his friends went to a local bar for drinks. When a particularly rough-looking fellow challenged Bruce to an arm-wrestling contest, Bruce foolishly accepted. And the rest is history. Specifically, it is HIST325: History of Freak Limb Loss.

The events surrounding the loss of Bruce’s right leg are particularly tragic. While he refuses to discuss the exact details, he does insist that it was a “freak accident that could have happened to anyone playing with a razor-edged Frisbee.”

He lost his fourth and final limb when he looked in the mirror one day, decided he had a look going, and went with it.

But he soon came to regret his decision. Bruce found that with only zero limbs, he couldn’t indulge in many of his favorite activities: running, for instance, or playing the xylophone with his knees. Distraught, he made several suicide attempts. However, he was repeatedly foiled when his gun jammed, his poison pills turned out to be Nexium ™, and the tiger he threw himself in front of turned out to be a vegetarian.

And so Bruce began to rebuild his life. He set a lofty goal: to regrow his limbs. Failing at this, he set himself a series of successively easier tasks until finally settling on eating a nice bowl of Cheerios. That accomplished, he scaled up the difficulty level to “running a marathon.”

Bruce’s first attempt to run a marathon was an unmitigated disaster. He failed to finish, or indeed even to start, or indeed even to remember to set his alarm clock. His next attempt was a mitigated disaster. Then, on his third attempt, he finally made history. He began to first armless and legless man ever to be ejected from a marathon for biting his opponent’s kneecaps.

Bruce recounted his story in a best-selling autobiography, My Life With Only Three Limbs. Subsequent events led him to publish several updated versions, including My Life With Only Three Limbs (Now With Only Two Limbs), My Life With Only Three Limbs (Now With Only Two Limbs (Now With Only One Limb)) and No Limb-it.

Bruce has been pushing his body to the limit to prepare for these Olympics. He has watched the Dustin Hoffmann film “Marathon Man” at least three times a day in order to get himself in the proper mental state. Now the time has come to put his training to the test. When you’re watching the marathon, look for Bruce Gadd. You’ll see him right at the intersection of Dreams, Destiny, and Quadruple Limb Loss.

Pistol-Packin' Granny

Generally, I try not to condone violence. However, I strongly condone this sort of violence, for the reason that I find it hilarious.

More Fun than a Barrel of...

A monkey got loose in a Japanese train station and, as monkeys are wont to do, wrecked havoc all over the place. Somewhere, a Japanese monkey-keeper just committed ritual suicide for having brought shame to his family.

Will's First Culinary Law

As someone who's been eating for a living for more than twenty years, I've formulated a few laws concerning food, eating, and eating food. Today I'd like to share the first--and greatest--of these laws with you. It's not something to be taken lightly, or even mediumly. It should be taken as darkly as possibly.

Will's First Culinary Law: EVERY CULTURE HAS ITS OWN VERSION OF THE HOT POCKET

Whether you're American, Armenian, or Angolan, chances are your regional cuisine includes something similar to a hot pocket. Sure, you might not call it a hot pocket, but there's no mistaking a tube of pastry filled with meat and cheese of unidentified (and possibly nefarious) origins.

I know a hot pocket when I see one--and trust me, I've seen plenty. While I can't come up with an exact number, I'd guess I've eaten somewhere around 2,303 hot pockets over the course of my life.

I've been doing some extensive research on Wikipedia in order to create this list of HOT POCKETS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE:

Samosas, from India
Egg rolls, from China
Chimichangas, from Mexico
Empanadas, from Spain
Knishes, from Eastern Europe
Calzones, from Italy
Patties, from Jamaica

I had always suspected this was true, but I didn't put it into law form until this summer. After all, to be a real law a hypothesis needs to pass the most rigorous scientific testing. This was how they developed Maxwell's Laws, the Laws of Thermodynamics, and the Five-Second Law.

If I could find a ridiculously obscure culture--a culture so remote, so backward, that it still though Huey Lewis was cool, for example--that had a hot pocket-like food, then my theory would become a law.

And wouldn't you know it: this summer I visited the annual Folklife Festival in Washington DC. The Folklife Festival celebrates the cultures of three different nations every year. This year, the nations in question were Bhutan, Texas, and NASA. I'm not sure Texas counts as a nation, but that's beside the point right now.

What's right inside the point, however, is the fact that when I visited the Bhutanese snack tent I saw they were selling something called a "momo". And while "momo" sounds like some kind of ethnic slur, it is in fact a ball of dough filled with...meat and cheese. Just. Like. A hot. Pocket.

And so I upgrades Will's First Culinary Collection of Observations that Still Need Definitive Testing into the much more concise Will's First Culinary Law. I've enjoyed sharing it with you today. I only hope you enjoyed it half as much. If you enjoyed it any less then half, then I'm afraid you're time has been wasted.

Objects in the Mirror May be Deader Than They Appear

Yeesh. I guess some people will do anything they can to get into the carpool lane. My advice, buddy? Next time, just use a dummy like everybody else.

Ring Ding-a-ling

Posted with as little comment as possible:

The a cappella ring tone features a professional singer chanting the word condom more than 50 times, a playful approach that public health activists hope will spark discussion and make condoms more socially acceptable.

I think I'll try out for one of UNC's a cappella groups just so I can propose they sing this song at their next concert. "Condom" 50 times over? That's even more repetitive then Cream's notorious "I'm So Glad."

I'd be Super Bowl Champion Jeff Feagles

So if you could be anyone in the world--ANYONE in the whole world, whether it's George W. Bush, Michael Phelps, or whoever--who would you pick?

"A ridiculous question," you snort, "It's impossible to become someone you're not." Oh, is it? Kanye West begs to differ.

Bizarre Google Search X

I'm going to hit the sack a little bit early tonight. I say "hit the sack" because the bed in my dorm is broken, so I need to sleep in a sack in the closet. It's sad really. Say, that reminds me: tonight's Bizarre Google Search is for "hit the sack":


Oh man, how am I supposed to sleep after looking at that?

Gut Cancer Strikes Again

BEIJING--Tragedy struck yesterday as Chinese officials announced that all four members of the Argentinian women's football team had turned up dead in their hotel room.

"Although we don't want to be too hasty in closing this case, we believe we have found the culprit," Olympic spokesman Gao Gao announced after concluding a 15-minute investigation. "And once again, the culprit is gut cancer."

Gut cancer had previously claimed the lives of the men's basketball team of Spain. Chinese authorities warned athletes that gut cancer can strike without warning, although it tends to be most prevalent among teams with a fondness for photographed hijinks.

Wait, That's Not Marinara!

This whole story would be incredibly hilarious if it didn't involve somebody dying. Damn it, some people always have to go and spoil the fun for everybody else.

Note: I'm not worried about going to Hell for writing this, because I'm already heading there for that stuff I wrote about the pope a few days back. As I always say, "Damned if you do, so why bother doing anything else?" Further note: I've never actually said that.

It's That Time of Year Again

You guessed it: it's time for Beloit College's Annual College Mindset List! Woooo! Go lists! If you're not familiar with the concept of the mindset list, then I pity you. But I will do my best to explain. The mindset list is a list of the way we--and by "we," I mean "college students"--think about life, culture, etc.

Here are some of the gems from this year's list:

3: They have always been looking for Carmen Sandiego.

And we're going to get her someday, mark my words. Her incredible escape from us in Burkina Faso was a fluke! A fluke!

26: Wayne Newton has never had a mustache.

Wayne who?

46: The Green Bay Packers (almost) always had the same starting quarterback.

In retrospect, the 4-year-old Aaron Rodgers was a little green to start at QB.

55: 98.6 F or otherwise has always been confirmed in the ear.

I've heard legends--horrible, disgusting legends--but I always discounted them as poppycock.

Simply the Best

I like lists. No, I love lists. I've never been accused of having a fetish for them, but if the accusation had been made I'd be hard-pressed to deny it.

Now to dispel that uncomfortable image, here's a mighty intriguing list of the 100 Best Novels as compiled by the Modern Library Association. The top 10, as voted on by the association itself:

1. Ulysses by James Joyce
2. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
3. A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce
4. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
5. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
6. The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner
7. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
8. Darkness at Noon by Arthur Koestler
9. Sons and Lovers by D.H. Lawrence
10. The Grapes of Wrath.

Wow, I've read half of 'em (2, ,5, 7, 8, and 10, if you're keeping score). What a cultured man I am! Time to go crack open some port and watch Masterpiece Theater. I should also mention that this is a list of the greatest English novels, so all you Proust-readers can take your complaints and shove 'em up Swann's Way.

The MLA also allowed readers to make their own list. I'm not sure how they picked their "readers," but let's take a look at the results:

1. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
2. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
3. Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard
4. The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein
5. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
6. 1984 by George Orwell
7. Anthem by Ayn Rand
8. We the Living by Ayn Rand
9. Mission Earth by L. Ron Hubbard
10. Fear by L. Ron Hubbard

Wow, I guess by "readers" they mean "Neil Peart and John Travolta"! It was either that or some conclave of objectivists and scientologists. Yet another black mark on the name of democracy, right up there with American Idol and Kwame Kilpatrick.

A New Explanation for the Mona Lisa?

Leonardo da Vinci: artist, inventor, philosopher...pimp?

Sure, the article calls him a "matchmaker," but we know what they really mean.

An Introduction to Crime

Hi, my name's Richard "Rocky" Barolucci, and I'll be teaching Crime 101: From Arson to Zamboni-Stealing. I hope you all have the books you need for this course. If not, I'll be sending around a list of local stores from which you can steal the necessary texts.

First, we must ask ourselves, "What is crime?" Crime cannot be defined on its own. We must break it up into smaller, more easily digestible chunks. So let's ask a simpler question, "What is robbery?" Robbery, for those of you who are new to the concept, is the forcible taking of something of value which does not belong to you.

Now, I want to make this very clear. In a robbery, you TAKE something of value, like jewelry or a wallet. You never, ever, ever want to LEAVE BEHIND something of value. That is not crime, boys and girls. That is sheer stupidity.

Cut-Rate College Textbooks

Communications: Who Are You Kidding?

A Introduction at Engilsh Grammer, Spelling

Human Anatomy: Just the Naughty Bits

The Norton Anthology of Limericks

The Weekly World News’s Intro to Journalism

US History, 1845-1846

Ye Olde Chmymistry Text-booke

Worm Food

"Welcome to Blinky's, home of the Blinky burger! My name's Jerry and I'll be your server today."

"What're the specials today?"

"Well, today it's French onion soup served with a toasted baguette, prime rib steak served with steak fries, and salmon served with a 9-foot tapeworm."

"Hmm...any way I can get the salmon served without the tapeworm?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but the chef's a bit touchy about that. You can get the tapeworm served alongside either the onion soup or the prime rib, but not vice-versa."

"Oh, heck, you only live once, right? Bring on the tapeworm!"

The Time of the Hero

America is stumbling and flailing like a blind epileptic giant. We have lost our way. We have no heroes to look up to, no men and women to idolize, no shining stars to follow.

But then we found Steven Padgett: the man who saved us from junk mail. And lo, it was pretty darn good.

An Open Letter to Our Future President

Dear Mr. Future President,

My name is Billy and I'm a fourth-grader in Mrs. Johnson's third-grade kindergarten class. My daddy says you are a "clown who couldn't find his ass with an ass-finding machine." He complains every day about "those goddamn gas prices" and says if gas costs too much he can't buy us food anymore.

Mr. Future President, I don't want my daddy to be mad at you anymore. I don't want to not have food to eat. So I know a way to make gas cheap ago. And its called Jesus.

Sincerely,
Little Billy

Great Moments in Nature

So who wins in the long-hyped matchup of Cow vs. Bear? Hint: it's not who you think. Which pretty much rules out bear, I guess.

Snide side note: The story takes place in the small town of Hygiene, Colorado. Now there's a town that could make a mint from corporate sponsorships. Welcome to Hygiene, sponsored by Procter & Gamble!

Quoth the Raven "Blitz! Blitz! Blitz!"

The Baltimore Ravens, not satisfied with their costumed mascots, are now training a pair of ravens to fly around the stadium on game day. The trainer is also trying to teach the ravens to squawk "Go, Ravens!" If he can get them to learn a few football terms, maybe the ravens can do double duty as offensive and defensive coordinators.

But the whole scheme makes me a little uneasy. After all, the Carolina Panthers tried the same thing a few years ago. And it seemed cool at first, but they had to put a stop to it after all those maulings.

Shaq Fu

My list of the Greatest Figures in Chinese History:

1. Confucius

2. Lao Tzu

3. General Tso

4. That Japanese guy who ate a lot of hot dogs

5. Shih Tzu

6. Sun Yat-Sen

7. Shaquille O'Neal

I'm Movin' Out

Well, technically I'm movin' in, but Billy Joel never wrote a song about that. The posting forecast for this blog over the next few days is intermittent to none, as I'll be on the move for the next day or two. But I promise a return to our regular scheduled posting by Wednesday at the latest.

Scenes from a Texas Classroom

Teacher: Jimmy, where's your homework.

Jimmy: I...uh...I left it at home.

Teacher: Really?

Jimmy: Yeah. Yeah, just like yesterday. I left it at home.

Teacher: Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. What a fool you must take me for.

Jimmy: I...

Teacher: ENOUGH! I've grown weary of your lying, your deception, your feeble attempts at pulling the wool over my eyes. Your story ends here, Jimmy.

Jimmy: But I...

Teacher: (Shoots him)

Teacher: Let that be a lesson to all of you! For there is a new order in the classroom. And the law shall be enforced with blood and iron!

Peter Panoptican

If your dreams are feeling a bit un-crushed right now, I've got just the thing for you. If the sight of Peter Pan being handcuffed and shoved into a police car doesn't bring you down, nothing will, not even a basket of puppies drowning.

The Sport of Kongs

Video games in the Olympics? Well, why not? Think of the advantages:

-More gold medals for the US. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
-The sight of milk-pasty video game nerds marching alongside shot-putters and NBA stars in the opening ceremonies

Well, that's all the advantages I can think of right now. But isn't that enough?

Cold and Refreshing

Hey there, kids! Need a cold drink to cool off after a hot day in the sun? Well, you don't need to bother with lemonade and soft drinks anymore. Now, you can try a refreshing glass of liquid nitrogen! Its -328 degree temperature will help you beat the heat--no matter how toasty you might be!

Note:: We do not endorse the drinking of liquid nitrogen because it'll probably kill you. Seriously. Don't do it.

Better Late than Never

Muchos apologies (as they say in Spanish, or so I'm told) for my failure to post. I'll make it up to you, I swear!

Oh man, oh man, oh man, I need a really dynamite post. Uh, let's see...

OK, how about this? A penguin--knighted by the queen? Ridiculous, you say? Not so! Read here for the story of good Sir Nils Olav.

Bizarre Google Search IX

Only one minute left to midnight! Quick: a Bizarre Google Search for "one minute to midnight"!:


Just under the wire!

I Could Blow Kaplan Out of the Water

One British girl reveals the secret to doing well on her standardized tests: she was kidnapped and held for ransom while she was a baby.

Shoot, I could do that. For a nominal fee I'll steal your baby, thus guaranteeing them academic success. My rates start at $50 a baby. Rates increase as your kid gets older, and I stop after five years old. Whiny kids cost a premium.

If you want me to feed your kid, you'll have to fork over an extra $25 a day. Gerber's isn't cheap. I should know--I had to live on the stuff for a few weeks after my meal plan got revoked. I recommend the mashed bananas.

Olympic Events that Didn't Make the Cut

Synchronized Wrestling

Shot Put Relay

100,000 Meter Dash

Low Jump

One-Fifteenth Marathon

Freeze Tag

Centathalon

Galleria of Lame Supervillains: Stiltman

Some people say it’s the superpowers that make or break a villain. A beg to disagree. A good villain doesn’t even need powers. After all, what’s the Joker but a homicidal escapee from Barnum & Bailey?

On the flip side, super-superpowers don’t a great villain make. The Molecule Man, an (unfortunately) recurring antagonist of the Fantastic Four, had complete control over all matter. Wow! How awesome! But that didn’t change the fact that he carried around a magic wand and had lightning bolts tattooed on his face.

Sometimes, though, there is the perfect storm of crappiness. Sometimes, a lame villain is paired with equally lame superpowers. As Exhibit A, I give you: Stiltman!

Sorry, that’s actually NBA legend Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain. Let’s try that again. As Exhibit A, I give you: Stiltman!

Well, that’s more correct, if not necessarily “better.” Stiltman had the power to shoot ice cubes from his eyes. No, wait, he had stilts! Adjustable stilts, I’ve read all of Stiltman’s exploits, and I’m still not quite sure what advantage the stilts gave him. I’ve made a list of crimes that having stilts would help you with:

-You could rob a bank and put the money on a very tall shelf, so no one could get it back

-You could join a rec-league basketball team and block everyone’s shots

-You could drop stuff like eggs or bullets on people’s heads

-You could steal kittens and put them in trees

Beyond that I draw a blank. So did Stiltman, it seems, because he his “crimes” were really more nuisances then actual crimes.

I’m also not sure about Stiltman’s origins. What drove him to a life of elevated crime? Was he perhaps a stilt manufacturer whose family left him because of his obsession with stilts? Was he a mad scientist who accidentally fused his body with a pair of stilts, a la “The Fly”?

That last one might be true. As far as I know, Stiltman never removed his stilts, probably because if he did he would have just been “Man.” Then again, it’s hard to imagine Stiltman kickin’ off the stilts and heading out to party in Greenwich Village.

“So, what do you do for a living, Jim?”

“Well, I like to strap on stilts and stomp around the city wreaking mild havoc.”

“Really? Me, I’m an cab driver, but I always wanted to be a poet.”

How pathetic was Stiltman? So pathetic that he had to fight Daredevil. Daredevil! A hero so lame that even Ben Affleck was too embarrassed to play him more than once. Daredevil got the dregs of supervillainy, guys the X-Men and the Avengers didn’t feel like chasing around the city. “Oh, Stiltman’s stealing kittens again? I’ll get Daredevil on it.”

What’s my conclusion? When your niche in the world of villainy could be filled by Manute Bol wearing platform shoes, it’s time to find a new alter-ego.

Death Metal

In L.A., if somebody tells you to turn that noise you call "music" down, you'd better go ahead and do it. The consequences could be fatal.

All I can say is that I'm glad my former roommates didn't operate under this system. If they did, I'd have been killed several times by now.

Use Cetaphil and Die

Headline: "Moisturisers cause cancer in mice--but don't panic."

Too late! You can't hit us with a bombshell of that magnitude and expect us to not panic. I've already thrown out every moisturizer in my medicine cabinet. I also went down to Target, bought a bunch of moisturizers, and then threw them out in order to protect others. I'm sort of a hero that way.

"It's That Kurt Russell Move, Right?"

Headline: "Pope Recognizes Miracle." Well, that's why we hired him, right?

Which leads me to wonder: do they have job interviews for the papacy?

Interviewer: What would you say your greatest strength is?

Hopeful: Well, I look very good in white. I've read the Children's Bible back-to-back--twice. I'm a hard worker, although I do tend to take Sundays off.

Interviewer: Hmmm...

Hopeful: What?

Interviewer: Oh, nothing. Keep going.

Hopeful: Oh, I was gonna add that I spent a few years as a freelance pope with a minor cult down in Texas, so I've got some laying-of-the-hands-on-experience.

Interviewer: And your weaknesses?

Hopeful: I'm not actually a Catholic.

Interviewer: Well, that would've been a problem a few years back, but the EEOC's changed a few things. Now, do you have a favorite saint?

Hopeful: Uhhh...St. Jesus.

Interviewer: (Pause) Get out.

Gimme Spore!

A sad, sad reminder of all the times Will Wright has dangled the most hotly-anticipated game in the history of anticipated games over our heads...and then yanked it away, laughing all the while.

Oh, well. If you really want a hit of that sweet Spore stuff, go download the creature creator. You can let out your inner deity as you shape and mold creatures to suit your ever whim. I've already made half a dozen grotesqueries.

My personal favorite, whom I've dubbed "Handy," has a mouth on his stomach and hands on his knees. I think I would have made a good creator god.

Weeeee!

If you've got two minutes to kill, here's a good way to put them down gently. It's a story of love and loss, betrayal and redemption, good and evil...and laser beams. And lightning bolts and rockets and guns. But why are you still reading this? Go watch it!

Mini-Mini-Mini Review: When You Are Engulfed in Flames

SHORT REVIEW

DAVID SEDARIS NEW BOOK GOOD. BUY.

Mini-Mini Review: When You Are Engulfed in Flames

For those of you living the go-get-'em lifestyle who don't have time to read the review below, here's an annotated version.

David Sedaris's newest collection of wacky short stories, "When You Are Engulfed in Flames," might not be his best book. Even the gullible reader will have a few "are you kidding me?" moments. But it's a solid entry in the Sedaris ouevre. The stories are short, the characters bizarre, and the jokes hilarious. It's all any Sedarifan could ask for.

Mini-Review: When You Are Engulfed in Flames

I’m worried about David Sedaris. He’s written half a dozen books, each filled with at least twenty-plus bizarre anecdotes. At this rate he’s soon going to run out of wacky memories to put down on paper. I’m afraid he’ll take up a crazy hobby like spelunking or base jumping to generate new stories. Then he’ll vanish on a hot-air balloon trip over the North Pole or something equally ridiculous.

For now, though, it seems he still has plenty of crazy story gas left in the mental tank. Sorry, that was a lousy metaphor. The absurdities pile up in his newest book, “When You Are Engulfed in Flames”: David Sedaris is solicited for oral sex by a crusty old trucker! David Sedaris befriends a French child molester! David Sedaris moves to Japan in a desperate attempt to kick his addiction to smoking! David Sedaris’s family is wacky! And that’s a wrap, boys!

It’s enough to make me wonder if there’s some truth to allegations that Sedaris has been—to put it politely—lying his pants off. So…he spent several months rooming with a schizophrenic, but never mentioned in any of his previous books? And I dare you to read his account of Mrs. Peacock, Satan’s own baby sitter, and tell me it’s 100% truthful. Maybe it’s my callow youth, but I refuse to believe one man could lead meet so many eccentrics in one lifetime.

Of course, maybe I’m wrong. I hope I’m wrong. And even if I’m dead on the money, I really don’t care. David Sedaris could write a book of short essays set on Saturn and call it a memoir, and I’d still buy it. I mean, listen to him describe his brief employment at the morgue:

We had a case on Halloween, an eighty-year old who had tumbled from a ladder while replacing a light bulb. The autopsy took place in the morning and was the best argument for the buddy system I had ever seen. Never live alone, I told myself. Before you change a light bulb, call someone from the other room and have him watch until you are finished.

To quote something I saw in the newspaper a few days ago, “It don’t Gitmo better than that!” Sure, a few stories might drag at points. And his commencement address to Princeton is so utterly bizarre it undermines the humor like a frantic mole. Sorry, that was also a pretty lousy metaphor. But pieces like “That’s Amore,” the story of Sedaris’s cranky New York neighbor, or “Solutions to Saturday’s Puzzle,” the story of an airline flight gone horribly wrong, are as good as anything he’s ever done.

If you must buy one David Sedaris book—if someone holds a gun to your head and demands that you pick up a collection of short, humorous essays written by Raleigh’s only famous gay humorist—don’t pick up this one. But if you’re a Sedaris fan you can’t go wrong with “When You Are Engulfed in Flames.” Well, I guess you can go wrong with it if you use it to bludgeon someone to death. But you can’t go wrong reading it.