Saturday, August 9, 2008

Galleria of Lame Supervillains: Paste-Pot Pete

A name is an important thing. It’s what people remember you by. It’s what first pops into their head when they see you. Fairly or not, it’s what people judge you by. That’s one of the reasons I’m glad my parents chose to name me “Will,” rather than their first choice, “Jeanine.”

Names are especially important for supervillains. Tell me, which is more intimidating—yelling “Surrender before the might of Doctor Death!” or yelling “Surrender before the might of Doctor Jerk!” See what I mean?

Which brings me to today’s subject: Paste-Pot Pete. Let me repeat that: Paste-Pot Pete. I can already hear you asking, “Will, what sort of powers could a man named Paste-Pot Pete possibly have?” As far as I know, he had no actual powers. We never learn anything about his origins, probably because everyone associated with him is too embarrassed to talk about it. Take a look:

What Pete did have was what a partner of his called—without irony—“your invincible paste gun!” Pete’s modus operandi was basically an enormous caulk gun filled with a particularly quick-drying gorilla glue. He would spray it at you, and…uh…it would hit you. And stick to you. Which could be a huge inconvenience.

This might be a problem for a normal person. I recall several instances during my elementary school career when I got carried away using a glue stick and ending up stuck to my seat. But here’s the thing, Pete. You’re not fighting eight-year-old Will. You’re fighting superheroes, emphasis on the “super.” And you think somebody capable of leaping a building in a single bound is going to be slowed down by a squirt of Elmer’s? We can only assume Pete spent a lot of time huffing his own paste.

When not perfecting his invincible paste gun (although I ask: how on earth could you improve something like that?) Pete hung around with an equally lame group called the Frightful Four. Let’s just say that if the Fantastic Four were the Beatles, the Frightful Four were the Rutles. And if the Frightful Four were the Beatles, then Pete was definitely this guy:

Eventually Pete wised up and started calling himself “The Trapster.” I’m afraid I can’t give him too much credit, though. After all, he was the one who started calling himself Paste-Pot Pete in the first place.

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