Galleria of Lame Supervillains: Plantman

Plant Man is an excellent example of truth in advertising. He’s a man. He works with plants. Boom, boom, done. Of course, when I say “works with plants,” I don’t mean that he has a part-time job at the nursery. Though he actually might, for all I know. He must have had some means of paying for this costume:

What Plant Man does with plants is use them to commit crime. Stop snickering! I’m serious. He would use them to commit dastardly acts, vile crimes that would chill the heart of any…if you’re not going to be serious about this, I might as well stop doing it.

Fine, fine, I’ll keep going. Plant Man had complete control over plants and could make them do his bidding. Now, you’d think that he was pretty much out of luck unless his bidding happened to be “photosynthesize!”

But it turns out that not all plants are as sweet and gentle as we’ve been led to believe. Yes, though they might look beautiful, it turns out that plants want only one thing…to kill you. And in the war between plants and animals, Plantman is playing the part of Erwin Rommel for the plants. Well, bad example. He’s really less Erwin Rommel and more Colonel Klink.

All of Plantman’s schemes involved plants popping up in unexpected places and surprising his enemies. Surprise was about the only thing they achieved, because Plantman had failed to count on the fact that he was fighting superheroes with goddamn plants. But he never gave up his pursuit of a chlorophyll-infused life of crime. Presumably, it was because he had sunk a lot of money into that costume and wasn’t about to change it.

Here are just a few clips from the highlight reel entitled “Plantman Does His Darndest to Terrorize Society”:

July 5, 1986—Plantman spoils the 13^th Annual Lake Winnepucket Boating Party by causing a vicious outbreak of ragweed that leaves dozens teary-eyed. He is never caught.

July 6, 1986—Plantman is caught and sentenced to 20 hours of community service cleaning up Lake Winnepucket. He completes his sentence, but like any good villain he does a crappy job at it.

May 23, 1990—Plantman is given $100,000 by the Mafia to kill Manhattan judge Henry Roland. He puts his plan into operation by planting an acorn outside the judge’s door. Over the course of several decades, he plans for the acorn to grow into a towering oak, which he will then order to fall on and crush the judge.

May 24, 1990—On hearing this plan, the Mafia asks for their money back; Plantman reluctantly agrees.

January 3, 1997—Plantman plans a daring heist. He will breed a dozen giant-sized Venus Flytraps and use their muscle—or whatever plant have—to rob the First Central Bank in downtown Chicago.

January 4, 1997—The heist is aborted when a cold snap kills off the Venus Flytraps.

November 25, 2000—Plantman is arrested for speeding through a red light. You see? He’s so badass, he doesn’t even need plants to help him commit crimes!

February 2, 2002—Plantman schemes to spoil Super Bowl XXXVI by causing the grass at the Louisiana Superdome to grow 50 feet high at halftime, causing untold frustration by the millions of viewers.

February 3, 2002—The plan is ruined when Plantman discovers that the field in the Superdome is actually AstroTurf. He instead tries to ruin the game by repeatedly jinxing the overwhelmingly favored St. Louis Rams. At this, he succeeds.

Wow, that’s a rap sheet that would put the mutant offspring of Al Capone and Charles Manson to shame!

Plantman never got the notoriety he deserved. This was pretty pathetic when you consider that he deserved no notoriety at all. To miss even that lowly goal is sad, even for someone who dresses like a ChemGro-sponsored gremlin.