Bound for Glory: Ronnie Kornfeldt

American basketball player Ronnie Kornfeldt arrived in Beijing today looking forward to a chance to play in the Olympics. But for Ronnie, there will be no Olympics this year. Once again, Ronnie has shown up…just a bit too late. It’s a curse he has had to struggle with for most of his life.

It wasn’t always like this for Ronnie. Indeed, he was a premature baby, born 10 months before his due date—much to the surprise of his mother and father, who had yet to even consummate their marriage. Perhaps it was genetic. After all, both of his parents were efficiency experts.

From a young age they drilled Ronnie in the importance of being punctual. Every morning they would wake him up at half-past two and remind him that he needed to wake up at five. They would serve him breakfast at six, following it up with lunch at seven. Dinner was served in between the two at 6:30. He was sent to first grade when his contemporaries were still in preschool, after which his parents pushed him to begin applying to college.

After years of chafing under such a strict regime, Ronnie finally began to rebel. He was late to everything, missing both his first communion and his bar mitzvah. He sometimes would not wake up for a day until 10 A.M. the next day. He missed the school bus, most of his classes, and all his extracurricular activities. His first kiss was forever ruined when he was too late to give it.

Naturally, his lateness made him a terrible athlete. Though he hit a home run in his first Little League at-bat, he moved so slowly around the bases that the opposing outfielder was able to walk down the street to a local sporting goods store, purchase a new ball, and tag Ronnie with it before he reached second base.

But Ronnie began to grow. In fourth grade, he gained six inches. In fifth grade, he shot up eight more. In sixth grade he gained two, before losing three in seventh grade, picking up seven each in eighth and ninth, falling back by nine in tenth grade, and finally stabilizing at six-foot-seven. Ronnie was recruited for his high school basketball team after the coach noticed Ronnie at the school’s field day. Though Ronnie performed badly in most events, he placed first in the event “Be as tall as you possibly can.”

The crowning glory of his high school career came in his senior year during the state playoffs. With his team down by one, the game on the line, Ronnie got the ball. He stepped back, straightened up, and fired a three-pointer that hit nothing but net. Tragically, he was too late. The game had ended three hours earlier.

Ronnie has not heavily recruited coming out of high school. Nor was he moderately recruited, lightly recruited, or even recruited at all. Unable to find a scholarship, he entered into a curious deal with small Division VI school Petite Valley State. Under a contract known as a “reverse scholarship,” he would pay the school $10,000 a year to let him play on their basketball team.

His lateness proved as big an obstacle in college as it had been in high school. He was late to every single practice, workout, and game. At one point his lateness did act to his advantage, when he failed to attend the team’s yearly tradition of getting busted for drug use. When he graduated, he boasted the underwhelming state line of 0.0 points, 0.0 rebounds, and 0.000000 assists. He did, however, set an NCAA record for times penalized for taking too long to shoot free throws. He was flagged 7,346 times, 7,344 times more than the runner-up.

Still, NBA scouts were salivating over Ronnie’s stats, likely because he included a heapin’ helpful of his mother’s mouth-waterin’ biscuits with every copy he sent out. This proved enough to secure Ronnie workouts with the Golden State Warriors, the Philadelphia 76ers, and the Seattle SuperSonics. Once again, he was foiled by his chronic lateness. By the time he showed up, the Warriors had ended workouts, the 76ers had finalized their roster, and the SuperSonics had moved to another city. In desperation, Ronnie applied for a spot on the US Olympic team.

Coach Mike Krzyzewski was intrigued by what Ronnie brought to the table. He was a complete package. Not only could Ronnie not shoot, he could also not run, not jump, and not defend. No other player covered so many bases at once. The coach also praised Ronnie’s bad attitude, knowing that bad team chemistry had long been a trademark of Team USA.

He was invited to join the team as the 16^th, coming off the bench after Carlos Boozer, the two team managers, and LeBron James’s mother. He immediately began preparing, and by July he was showing up for things later then he ever had before in his life. Sadly, however, the last thing he was late for was the flight to Beijing. And you know the rest of that sad, sad story.

Will Ronnie ever succeed? We don’t know. All we know is that when success does come to Ronnie, it’ll be a little…later…than usual.