FROM THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF MINK SAFETY
WARNING--All citizens of the state of Utah should be advised that the current mink alert level has been raised from "gnarly green" to "raspberry red" as a result of a recent mink escape. If you see a rogue mink, do not attempt to confront it. It is almost certainly armed and dangerous. Instead, please contact your local mink control officer.
Remember these handy tips when dealing with a mink outbreak:
-A mink is capable of spitting poison from a distance of more than 20 yards
-The average mink has a horizontal leap of nearly 3 meters
-The mink is probably more scared of you then you are of it, which is pretty ridiculous, given that a mink could tear your head off without half trying
-Minks can emit high-pitched sonic screeches that can disable a human from a distance of ten paces
Again, if you see a mink, call local mink control and then run like heck. We also recommend that you pray, preferably to a Christian God.
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