Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky

Dear Mr. Steinmitz,

We here at Clayton Mortuary Home would like to thank you for choosing us for your cremation needs. However, we regret to inform you that your loved one's ashes were lost while being shipped from the crematorium to the cemetery.

We apologize for any inconvenience and/or terminal grief this may have caused you. However, because you are a loyal customer--our records show you have trusted us to incinerate nearly half of your immediate family--we would like to offer you a special deal.

If you visit Clayton Mortuary Home anytime within the next week, you will be free to pick from a diverse selection of replacement ashes at no extra cost to you. Assistants will be on hand to help you select only the highest-quality cremated remains. Again, we apologize for the inconvenience.

Sincerely,
J.J. Clayton
Clayton Mortuary Home