Museums Not Worth Visiting

American Museum of Alternate History—Be sure to catch the newest exhibits, “The Dole Presidency” and “The Legacy of the Great Franco-American War of 1950”

Gnuseum—Contains everything you could ever want to know about gnus; last year, set an attendance record with six unique visitors

The H.P. Lovecraft Museum—The ticket-man’s skin sloughed off in the rough ecstasy of demonic birth, revealing underneath a hideous skin pleated with squamos plates and eyes lit by some netherworld fires flickering in the midst of a fever dream!

American Pessimists’ Museum—Not very popular, as it’s always half empty

Now Museum, Now You Don’t—A museum dedicated to that uniquely American art form known as the pun; has been burned down five times

Museum of American Perfectionism—Still closed for remodeling, as it has been for the past two decades

American Optimists’ Museum—An always-popular attraction that always seems to be half full

Mooseum—Like the Gnuseum, only 1) About moose and 2) Actually, 1) was the only difference

The Earl Caldwell Museum—Owned by, operated by, and entirely about Mr. Earl James Caldwell of 1254 Oak Tree Lane, Bristol, CT

Museum of Military Recruitment—Though the museum’s exhibits have drawn rave reviews, many consider the admission price of seven years service in the US military to be a little too high