Restaurant Review

It was with great eagerness that I sat down to my first meal at Pyongyang's newly opened La Bella Kim Bistro, both because of my great fondness for Italian food, and because I had eaten nothing but twigs and bark for the previous two weeks.

Sadly, I must report that La Bella Kim did not live up to my expectations. Though our Dear Leader did indeed proclaim it to be "the greatest restaurant ever created by our socialist workers' paradise," I must respectfully disagree, though in all likelihood doing so will result in my swift execution--if I am lucky. Death after torture is more likely.

The food tasted utterly wretched. Whatever addle-brained chef made the pizza must have forgotten both the dough and the sauce, as I was served nothing more than a circle of melted cheese. Try as I might, I could find no cheese within the ravioli, nor anything else. They were simply empty pockets of pasta. Worst of all was the tiramisu. This delicate gustatory treat had been crudely rendered by dousing a stale piece of cake with a soft drink.

The decor added nothing to the experience. It detracted, as hard as that may be to conceive. The ubiquitous statues of our Dear Leader clashed horribly with the sloppily-painted murals of Tuscan peasant life. The atmosphere further sagged under the presence of dozens of glowering, gun-toting security thugs.

I hear a knock upon the door as I write these words. I expect it is said gun-toting security thugs coming to drag me away and beat the ever-loving socialist daylights out of me. But I regret nothing I have written. For what is freedom, if not freedom to complain about our food? To quote the eminent Bertolt Brecht, "First grub, then ethics."

This is Suuk Yung Sum, restaurant critic for the Pyongyang Picayune, signing off.