Ziggy on the front page
-Keep subscription costs the same, but surreptitiously jack up delivery costs to $1,000,000 a day
-Replace long-winded editorial with pithy statements like “Obama bad” or, possibly, “Obama good”
-Print the paper on cheaper material, like birch bark or Kleenex
-Change every Horoscope to read “A horrible, fiery death is in your future unless you donate half your income to our paper”
-Eliminate adverbs
-Fire all the photographers; replace the pictures with crude stick-figure drawings
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