From the Files of Skywalker Ranch

Dear George,

Just getting back to you regarding your latest suggestions about "The Empire Strikes Bach."

First, George, I have to make my position perfectly clear. When you told me you were making a "Star Wars" musical themed stage show, I was all for it. I've been a Star Wars fan for years now. I consider "Star Wars" to be one of the greatest films in history--at least, one of the greatest that didn't involve me.

But you promised I'd have complete control over this project. You came into my office and got on your knees--literally, need I remind you?--and told me that you would never, ever, interfere.

Which is why I'm so upset over your most recent memo. First, regarding your suggestion that I "need more Ewoks"--how many more Ewoks do you want? I already have two Ewok-centric numbers, an all Ewok dance number, and an Ewok-themed comedy show to play during halftime. Do you know how hard it is to find that many midgets? And you want more!

Then there's your demand for a "life-sized Death Star" to rise over the stage at the end of Act I. George, I'm forced to conclude that either A) you've never watched your own movies or B) you don't know the meaning of the word "life-sized." Please tell me how I'm supposed to make a "life-sized" version of something the size of a small moon.

Your criticism of my lyrics hurts most of all. I could take it when Leonard Bernstein tore apart my words for "West Side Story"; I was young and stupid then, and Bernstein was a musical genius. In this case, though, you are the stupid one and I'm the genius.

You complain that I twice rhyme "Vader" with "invader." What would you prefer? Something like this?

Let the galaxy tremble before Darth Vader
The most terrifying man since James Spader

Lastly, do you really want to quibble with my casting of Angela Lansbury as Princess Leia? Yes, she's a few decades to old, but so was Harrison Ford when you cast him as Han Solo. And I strongly doubt that Natalie Portman, your candidate, could pull off Leia's show-stopping musical number "The Girl With the Cinnamon Bun Hair."

George, I don't want to lose your friendship. But I want your reassurance that I have control over this project. "The Empire Strikes Bach" has the potential to be the greatest science-fiction themed musical since "The Wrath of Cantata."

Don't spoil it George. I'm warning you.

Yours,
Stephen Sondheim