October: A Pre-Retrospective

Ah, October! Month of Halloween, and…uh…other things, most of them Halloween-related. Month of pumpkins, candy corn, and, if you live in Detroit, arson on a scale not seen since the Dresden firebombing. We

October has a special place in my heart. My long-term project—very long-term, set for completion in the year 2159—is to create a qualitative ranking of the twelve months. For the curious, May and December are at the top, January and August at the bottom. October ranks very high on this list. Allow me to explain my method.
When I judge a month, the first thing I account for is holidays. Months with good holidays get more points. For instance, December gets more credit for Christmas than September does for Talk Like a Pirate Day. Holidays with either food or presents get extra-super bonus points, allowing November to rise in the rankings despite its weak profile.

October can boast one of the “Big Three” holidays. Granted, in my mind Halloween trails far behind Christmas and Thanksgiving. Trick-or-treating lost its appeal the year I dressed as a Star Trek redshirt. I was chased by a dog, fell into a creek, and was nearly run over five or six times. And though I concede the deliciousness of Halloween candy, can you really choose Smarties and Snickers over turkey and Christmas cookies? No. You cannot. Still…it’s a holiday where people give you free candy. That counts for a lot in my rankings.

Weather plays a big factor. Temperature extremes are a big no-no. Thus, July is dragged down the list by its sweaty, buggy nights and sauna-humid days. February has too many days that make you feel like a human popsicle. October offers a nice compromise. It might get a little nippy, but remember that this cold weather comes after the oppressive mugginess of August and the neither-hot-nor-cold wishy-washiness of September. To me, October means clear blue skies, a crisp breeze, and leaves swirling underfoot. Plus points for that.

Don’t forget sports! August really takes it in the shorts, sports-wise. All it has is Major League Baseball. Does anyone even watch baseball anymore? Aside from a couple Cubs fans, of course, hoping that this might be the year the Cubs flame out in the National League Championship Series rather than the Divisional Series. Compare this with October. The month is stuffed with sports. You have college football, the NFL, and—the one baseball event people watch—the World Series. The NBA might start in October, but I feel too lazy to check that online. So take my word for it.

Also note that October has better music than any other month except December: “Monster Mash” and the soundtrack from “The Nightmare Before Christmas.” Those beat “Alice’s Restaurant” in my book. Speaking of which, where is my book? I talk about “in my book” so often, but I’ve never even read it. Perhaps I can find it on Amazon.
In conclusion, all in all, to sum it up: October is a top-four month. For the moment. Who knows? If I walk outside tomorrow and get hit in the eye with a leaf, it might drop a few notches. We won’t know the final answer until 2159. Stay tuned!