Assault and Battery

For the past few weeks, my car has been making a very peculiar sound whenever the engine starts. Imagine a fat guy getting gored to death by a yak with emphysema. Not too hard, right? And it get worse every day. Last week the little sucker took nearly half a minute to start. And now it sounded like the yak had contracted a nasty case of throat cancer.

My suspicion--confirmed through a scientific process known as "calling my dad"--was that the battery was dying. Or perhaps it was already dead, and now existed only in an advanced state of rigor mortis. Whatever the case, something under my car's hood was staggering toward a sickly, coughing end.

The solution was clear: I had to crack open another car and steal its battery. Turns out this is both impractical and illegal. And when something is illegal even in New Jersey, you know it must be really bad. Remember, this is a state that allows you to shoot people every other Tuesday.

The legal solution was clear: I had to take my car down to a service station for a double bypass battery transplant. Being incompetent at both car talk and social interaction, I was terrified by the prospect of having to talk to strangers about cars. Naturally, I turned to Wikipedia for help. I read the entry on "car." Then I skimmed the entry on "four-stroke engine." Then I jumped to "piston." And then to "Rip Hamilton," for reasons that will make sense if you are a fan of decaying pro basketball franchises.

I bring the car in. When the guy asks me what the problem is, I give him the yak-goring-man analogy, and he nods and says, "Oh yeah, the 'emphysemic yak.' That's shop talk for a busted battery." He brought out a defibrillator-looking thing to test the battery; after several jolts, as well as some mouth-to-mouth resucitation, failed to revive the battery, it was officially declared dead. It was survived by one radiator and two windshield wipers. In lieu of flowers, the family is asking you to make donations to your favorite televangelist.

Now the car runs as smoothly as butter, thanks in part to the butter I used to grease up the new battery. Hey, that's what Wikipedia said to do. They also said that sugar in the gas tank will make the car run more "sweetly." I'm off to see if it works...