Lost in the Library

To enter the Harvey S. Firestone Memorial Library is to enter a world of sadness, confusion, and pain. Statistics show that 73% of people who walk through the front doors never walk out. And the 27% who make it out are never the same. They will carry the scars for the rest of their life.

The above paragraph may not be true, but it makes a good hook, and my middle school English teacher taught me that the hook was the only thing that mattered. Now that you, the reader, are properly hooked, I will continue. You are hooked, right? Because otherwise my entire middle school education was a sham.

The Harvey S. Firestone Memorial Library to Harvey S. Firestone is nationally renowned for its squareness and grayness. "Architecture Today" named it the third most angular building in America, trailing only the Lincoln Memorial and the Transamerica Pyramid. Out front, there are rows and rows of bike racks, where grad students park their bikes and dream of the day when they can afford...well, maybe not a car, but a better bike. One with handlebar tassels.

Firestone has three floors above ground, three floors below ground, and one secret floor where the mole people live. Be warned: your cellphone will not get reception below ground. New York City could be wiped out by atomic meteors and you would be none the wiser.

The stacks are not well-lit, although the front desk does provide flint and tallow candles for a small fee. Rumors that a skeleton was found in the B floor stacks are complete nonsense. It was a mummified body--the flesh was still attached to the skeleton, and only a few bones were visible. Rumors that the A floor stacks are prowled by a Bengal tiger are, unfortunately, true. For a small fee, the front desk will notify your parents if you are torn to shreds by a savage feline.

You can find nearly every book in Firestone Library, including your third-grade composition book, the one that contained your magnum opus "Why I want to be a dinosaur when I grow up." In the rare book collection, you can find copy of the Bible autographed by God.

Don't forget to grab a lollipop on your way out! They come in three flavors: cranberry-raspberry, raspberry-cranberry, and cran-raspberry. Rasp-cranberry pops are sometimes available. On the way out, the guards will inspect your bag to make sure you are not smuggling any books. They will also require you to empty your lungs in order to insure you are not smuggling any precious library air.

Firestone Library! The library, the myth, the legend. Be sure to visit many times...assuming you find your way out the first time.