Bizarre Google Search VI

Let's top off this truncated day of blogging with a Bizarre Google Search for...hmmm...how about "truncated day of blogging"?

I'm not quite sure how this one ended up in my search, but I've got to say it's quite good.

Nuclear Cheese

Here, I shall show you the difference between things that are only slightly funny and things that are outrageously funny. Behold:

Situation #1: Contractor, heading off for his first day of work at a nuclear power plant in Wisconsin, tells convenience store clerk that he hopes he won't "blow the place up."
Humor Analysis: Mildly funny joke involving death and destruction of hundred. C+

Situation #2: Clerk mishears contractor and thinks he says he "came to blow the place up." Clerk calls FBI, leading to mass evacuation from the power plant.
Humor Analysis: Comical misunderstanding that leads to panic. A+!

This...

...Should go great with Take-your-Daughter-to-work day!

Also, note to self: never go to Florida. I have made this resolution several times before, but there's no such thing as being too careful. Or being too frightened of Florida.

Wackypedia with the Assist!

To continue with last posts's sports theme, allow me to act as your blogging point guard for a second and dish out a hot link: the Comics Curmudgeon, certainly one of the funniest websites on the internet that involves Gil Thorp.* Read. Enjoy. Go home happy.

*There's more than you might expect

Go, Team!

Let the ridiculous predictions start! According to this guy and this guy, North Carolina is going to be the number one team in the nation next year. Go Heels! Even this guy thinks we're going to be number two, so, hey, that counts for something.

Wait, it actually doesn't count for anything. NONE of these count for anything. They mean roughly as much as a caterpillar's cough, to use a folksy saying that my grandpa probably would have used if he had grown up in the deep south.

Good Lord, I wish I was a sports "expert". You can spend the entire year churning out absolute crap and no one will ever, ever call you on it. Just pick the favorites, sprinkle in a bit of "inside" information, top it off with a "controversial" opinion, and BANG! Set for life! The only downside is you're probably going to have to spend some time aroudn Skip Bayless, which is never pleasant.

From the "Better Late than Never Files"...

Comes the story of the British island of Sark which, after 450 years, has finally got around to trying this "democracy" thing everybody's been talking about. Making things even crazier is the fact that Sark also has banned automobiles. No word on whether or not indoor plumbing is sanctioned.

I really think that before we tried to bring democracy to Iraq, we should have done a dry run at Sark. Advantages:
1) Less likelihood of getting blown up by angry insurgents
2) Larger supply of marmite

Argue against that, if you can.

Haiku Review: The Grand Inquisitor

Jesus has come back!
Looks like he's going to burn
Damn inquisitor

Michael Crichton Was Right!

Good God! The horrible future predicted in "Prey" has come true!...sort of. Scientists report that nanite particles used in no-smell socks and underwear may find their way into the environment and kill helpful bacteria. This would be tragic, as helpful bacteria, among other things, are the only way microscopic old women can ever cross teeny-weeny roads without being run over by miniscule cars.

Why is it that every time mankind tries to smell good, he ends up destroying the environment? First there was spray-on deoderant, and now there's this. It seems God wants us to stink, in which case, I suppose we've really got no choice.

Frankfury

A terrible, horrible story: a husband and wife get into a furious domestic dispute that ends with said wife stabbing said husband with as yet unsaid steak knife.

But here's the good part: they were fighting about hot dogs. It doesn't say what about hot dogs they were fighting over, but I'm willing to guess they were arguing about who loved hot dogs more. Because everyone loves those hot diggity dogs.

Bizarre Google Search V

After a hard day's work on the internet, time to kick back and relax with a good ol' Bizarre Google Search. Today's topic is "the unbearable whiteness of being":

This means something.

Jay-Z Gets a 100th Problem

And it's Beyonce. I really don't have anything to add--I just thought the headline would be good. But now that I look back on it, I feel pangs of regret. Was it really as clever as I thought it was? Oh, the agonies of the blogger.

Off the Mark

Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton's chief strategist and the architect of one of the blandest presidential candidacies of the past decade, has been bounced from his position after some questionable lobbying ties came to light. Wow. Malfeasance surrounding the Clintons? I would never have suspected it.

I'm going to play the part of political strategist for the moment. My qualification includes watching a lot of CNN, which is sort of like saying I can play for the Lakers because I watch ESPN. But oh well. Penn's problem, I think, was that he encouraged Hillary to focus on the wrong one of her advantages.

You see (and I'm sure you do) Hillary had two strengths: she offered "change" (she's not George W. Bush) and she offered "competence" (she's been around f-o-r-e-v-e-r). For most of the election season Hillary emphasized the latter, and in doing so she became the candidate of the Clintonista 1990s--the candidate of the past. She became too tied to Bill and never got the chance to be her own candidate. This made it easy for Barack Obama to come in, talk a lot about "change," and take away the frontrunner crown from her (note: not an actual crown).

Man, I really ramble when it comes to talking about politics. But what can I say? I'm weird that way (among other ways).

Life vs. Stupid Robbers, Vol. XVIII

A robber in Athens, Georgia, is nabbed after making a rookie mistake: Before he robbed a store, he filled out and submitted a job application form. No word on whether or not he got the job, but all signs point to "no."

Haiku Review: The Collected Ouevre of Charlton Heston

We're making a film
Set two thousand years ago
Quick! Go get Heston!

BONUS: Soylent Green

Have not seen this film
Because the end was spoiled
Soylent Green's tasty

Flash in the Pancake

As someone who recently enjoyed the utter deliciousness of an IHOP buttermilk pancake, I can sympathize with the bum in question.

I'm Going to Hell

Headline from the SF Chronicle:

"Santa Clara police shoot, kill man with knife"

On the one hand, this is a terrible human tragedy. On the other hand, Ha ha! The headline makes it sound like the cops have got some kind of long-range shootin' knife!

Man, I am so going to hell.

Angry Old People, Part 2

Situation: 76-year-old Serbian farmer gets a divorce from his wife

Problem: Court orders him to give away half of his farming equipment to his wife

Solution: Farmer uses grinder to cut all of his equipment in half.

All I can say is I that I hope they didn't have any children.

Old Man vs. Wild

Mankind has been pushed around by nature for far too long. At last, someone is fighting back! A group of cantankerous retirees in Florida have taken the law into their own wrinkled hands when it comes to dealing with some troublesome ducks:

The Clearwater retirement community's homeowners association voted to obtain a firearm permit and entrust one of their own, Bruce Streeter, with eliminating the ducks.

"...And remember, Bruce, it's got to look like an accident."

SHAZAM!

Forget Superman, Batman, Spiderman, even Aquaman--I have a new favorite superhero. I give you Diamond Dan, superhero/mascot for Britain's Orange Order!


















The Orange Order, for those of you who aren't up on your religious history, is "a Protestant fraternal organisation based predominantly in Northern Ireland and Scotland with lodges throughout the Commonwealth and the United States." (Thanks Wikipedia!)

So what powers does Diamond Dan have? Difficult to say, looking at his picture. I assume his massively inflated torso gives him some advantage--maybe super-buoyancy. He probably can't fly; even if he could, I doubt he would, as super-sonic wind speeds would probably muss up that magnificent hairstyle he's got going on.

I assume, then, his powers come from his unbelievable Protestantism. Diamond Dan can justify you with faith at a distance of ten paces with only a wave of his hand! Papists tremble at his approach!

Hmmm...shows promise.

R.I.P., Charlton Heston

...And on the subject of farewells: goodbye to Charlton Heston, possibly the most chiseled actor of the last 50 years. Now, I never actually saw any of his movies besides "Ben-Hur" (which I spent an entire week watching), but I do have to respect a guy who could share the screen with both God and highly evolved chimpanzees. Godspeed, Charlton.

R.I.P., 2007-2008 Season

Oh, well. It was beautiful, but it had to come to an end. I just wish that end had been a little less wrenching than a 84-66 pasting, but such is life. And the rest of the season wasn't bad: a 36-3 record, 14-2 in the ACC, undefeated in nonference games, ACC regular season and tournament champions, National Player of the Year, a trip to the Final Four, and--most satisfying of all--a thrilling victory over Duke.

Congratulations to Kansas, and I hope Memphis absolutely shellacks you guys. No hard feelings, but I do, in fact, have hard feelings.

Now let's just hope our Great White Monster returns for another season.

Quiz Bowl Madness

Hey, dear reader! I am smugly pleased to report that UNC's Quiz Bowl team did pretty well at a University of Maryland tournament this weekend. We had close games (we won one by 5 points!) and a few games that were not quite as close (we lost one by by 350 points!), but much more importantly, we had fun. And pancakes at IHOP, which is even more important than fun.

And I'd like to take a few moments to boast about my own performance. I answered a question about the classic Prince track "1999" after hearing only the first few lines, talking about how it mentions a "purple sky". Now, I might not be so good at literature, science, art, and history, but I've got Prince songs down cold.

So, with that in mind, I hope you'll excuse my absence yesterday. Wait, who am I kidding--no one missed by absence, because no one knew I was gone, because no one reads this blog. As Charlie Brown would say, "Sigh..."

Bizarre Google Search IV--SPECIAL MARYLAND EDITION

I would apologize for my lack of blogging today, but as no one is reading this, the point is moot. Moot, I say. But for the sake of continuity, here's today's Bizarre Google Search: "Old Line State."

Possible super powers: Uncontrollable shaking, interspersed with bouts of semi-controllable shaking

Possible weaknesses: Seismographs

Bizarre Google Search III

Quick! There's just enough time to get in one Bizarre Google Search before Thursday becomes Friday. The words of the day are "The night Chicago died":

Breaking News from 1915!

From the Syndey Morning Herald: "Call for a cap on Gallipoli crowds"
No! If we retreat now, the Turks will have won!

You Folks From Out of Town?

Hats off to Douglas Guldeniz for breaking a record most of us never knew existed: Longest taxi ride in the history of New York.

Any guesses as to how far he went? Philly? Boston? Chicago?

Arizona.

He shuttled a retired couple all the way to their home in Arizona. I salute him, not only for his effort, but for his ability to take a 2,500 mile car trip with two old people and not try to bash out his brains on the steering wheel.

Next, the Green Monster Turns Vicious

A middle school field trip in Boston turns ugly when the kids encounter a Yankees-loving hawk. Footage at 11.

Obama, You Fool!

Yesterday we learned Obama was gaining on Hillary in the Pennsylvania primary. Now, though, it looks like he might have blown his chances for a win. In his most recent visit to Philadelphia, Obama passed on cheesesteak in favor of $99.99 a pound Spanish ham.

Obama tried to pass it off by saying, "I'm going to get a cheesesteak the next time I come." Sorry, Barry, but there's no do-overs when it comes to thinly-sliced meat drenched in cheese on a hoagie bun. Remember this?

Haiku Review: The Marx-Engels Reader

Workers of the world
Rise up in revolution!
Faster, goddamn it

Look, Ma!

"Police who pulled up an overloaded lorry in China were amazed to find the driver had no hands."

And I thought it was tough driving without turn signals.

PS. Kids, pay attention. The driver says he lost his hands while playing with firecrackers. The lesson is: if you're playing with fireworks, have someone else hold them.

Oo-ee, Oo-a-a, Ting, Tang...You Know the Rest

One more reason not to go to Tanzania: the country is being forced to crack down on witchdoctors, who have been killing albinos and using their body parts in magic potions.

As a college student, I know it is important to respect all cultures, no matter how strange or alien they may seem to us. As a person, however, I know that this is possibly the stupidest culture I have ever heard of.

LoL im ded

People laughed at me for being afraid of text messaging. "Will," they said, "Don't you know text messaging is the wave of the future?" (Yes, they actually talk like that)

But who's laughing now? Apparently, a British fellow has been receiving text messages from his wife, who happens to be dead. You see? Work of the devil!

Bizarre Google Search III

Now for a nightcap. Here's what you get when you search for "With a little help from my friends":

I know what I want for my next birthday!

News of the World

Hillary Clinton is starting to look increasing fork-worthy. Obama, once down by 26% in Pennsylvania, has made a rather startling comeback and now leads her 45% to 43%. Normally, I think that would be a pretty clear sign that Hillary is beyond hope. But recall: she's been dead twice before--in NEw Hampshire and in Texas--and both times has risen up, vampire-style. So you can never really count her out, especially not in an old, white, union state like Pennsylvania.

My advice to Obama? Bring some garlic and a crucifix to the next debate, and see what happens.

Beware of CHUDs

Whenever I can't find any stories sufficiently ridiculous enough to post, there's only one place I can turn: Pravda! Yes, that wacky Russian newspaper really does write stories like this:

"Mutants live in the underworld of Moscow"
The whole thing is great, but this line is the gem:

"But the most horrible inhabitants of the underworld are the flying cockroaches, which the size of a tortoise! They fly in flocks and witnesses say you’d better not see their flight ever in life."

My God, no! The article also references "giant" half-inch worms and grasshoppers "the size of a saucer!" I'd like to thank Lena Ksandinova, the "translator" of this story, for bringing a little laughter into the world.

In conclusion: if you're ever visiting scenic Moscow, you should probably not make a day trip through the sewers.

Sound of White Powder

From way out west: a hazardous materials team is called in after a suspiciously labeled package appeared at a pier in Long Beach.

The suspicious labeling: "Anthrax a gift from Osama."

Pretty suspicious, I admit. They were absolutely terrible, except for maybe "Spreading the Disease." And that guy had a pretty cool beard...

Skull Island? More Like Skull HIGH-Land

Headline from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

Marietta police arrest King Kong, seize $10K in drugs


Hmmm...he did indeed display signs of anger, aggression, and a general inability to cope with his surrounding, particularly if those surroundings involved T-Rexes. Good to know he's going to get help.


PS. It's also worth noting that Atlanta police apparently picked up Kevin Garnett during their drug bust. Just take a look at the picture.

HA HA HA HUMOR

Mmmm...hot fresh links. I give you one of my favorite comic strips: Square Lake. I have no clue who drew it, where it appeared, or why it existed at all. I do know, however, that it is funny. Quite funny. Here's a free sample:

That's quality.

Bizarre Google Search

While I'm on a blogging roll, I might as well do the daily Bizarre Google Search. I give you: "What in the world?"

I'm pretty sure it involves beetles.

Milwaukee's Finest

Ah, so Indiana has settled upon Tom "Dwight Schrute Lookalike" Crean to replace Kelvin "Massive NCAA Violations" Sampson as coach. How bad does it look for Crean? Let's just say he's not coming aboard a sinking ship--the ship has been boarded by pirates, set on fire, and is currently scraping the bottom of the ocean. IU couldn't go any lower if it turned out Eric Gordon had killed a guy. But then again, what do I know about sports? I picked Michigan State to play in the national championship. Michigan State! The team whose best player looks like a pasty goblin! I should shut up now...

A Wild Night with Bill Schneider

Well, I might as well do something educational with this blog. No one's reading it, true, but that doesn't mean I can slack off. When this blog has become massively popular (please, God? please?) people will no doubt me combing through the archives to find where the magic began.

So let me tell you about a lecture by Bill Schneider I attended a few days ago. Schneider, if you're unaware (and by "you," I mean...I don't know who I mean) is the bald, dumpy fellow who appears on CNN and analyzes exit polls. Ably assisted by Soledad O'Brien, he'll tell you how the electorate is voting--Who are the young people voting for? Who are the old people voting for? Who are the transgendered Hindu homemakers voting for?*

The subject was "The Media in Politics," or, possibly, "Politics in the Media," but the general thrust was, Who's going to win in 2008? Bill (I consider him a first-name basis friend) took a very voter-centric position on this question. Who the candidate is is not terribly important. People pick the president by asking themselves the question: What do I want that I'm not getting from the incumbent? Bill called this the "Law of the Missing Imperative."

To prove his point, Bill went through a list of "themes" used by past presidential candidates. There were the succesful ones--Bill Clinton had "empathy" in 1992, Reagan had "strength" in 1980, and Carter had "morality" in 1976. And there were the ones that didn't work quite so well: Walter Mondale and "fairness" in 1984, Mikey Dukakis and "competence" in 1988.

What people want today is straight talk--or so Bill would have you believe. They want somebody who will give it to 'em straight. Whether they would enjoy this resultant straight talk is questionable, but I digress. The people also want somebody capable of rising above partisan bickering, and who can make government "work" again.

Boiled down to the barest bones: Schneider thinks it's going to be between McCain and Obama. Obama, he says, taps into that sort of post-partisan vein a lot of candidates--Howard Dean and Bill Bradley, for instance--have mined, but he has the added advantage of overwhelming black support. A potent combo! McCain, meanwhile, is lucky not to be tarred by an association with the Bush administration. This, Schneider told us, is the reason the race is fairly close when everything is pointing towards a Democratic landslide.

Then there were some questions and...oh my God, I've just gone on for like five pages. Sorry for taking up so much of your time. Next time I discuss politics, I promise to bloviate a lot less.

*Ron Paul REVOLUTION!

Let's See...15% of Nothing...

First, they had restaurants. Then, they had all-you-can eat restaurants. Now comes the inevitable last step: "Pay-what-you-like restaurants." This should appeal to that most discerning of diners: the cheap asshole.

PS. The name of one of the restaurants is "Der Wiener Deewan." Tee hee. "Deewan." I mean, "Tee hee, Der Wiener."

Lisztomania

Here's a rather cool site that does what I love best: make a bunch of pop-culture lists (in this case, about music) using completely arbitrary criteria. It's great! You can even find out the greatest rockabilly song of all time!*

I'm going to have to take issue, though, with the Eagles taking a back seat to Fleetwood Mac when it comes to ranking the greatest soft rock bands. And "Freebird" only the fourth greatest guitar solo? Blasphemy.


*Hint: rhymes with "Jew Suede Shoes."

AAAAADRRIIEEENNN!!!

Hillary Clinton, having succesfully milked the incredible power of female tears, moves on to a new tactic: comparing herself to fictional characters. Specifically, Rocky Balboa of "Rocky" fame.

Um, I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure Rocky loses the fight, gets his face pounded into Philly cheesesteak, and is forced to spend the rest of his life with Talia Shire. Is that what Hillary wants? Then again, I suppose, it's better than trying to be Jake La Motta...

(Murderous) Strangers on a Train

You're paranoid. No, no, don't try to deny it. Science says so, and it's always right. Behold the new survey!

Ask people whether they're paranoid, and most say they're not.

But take a peek inside their heads, says King's College London psychiatrist Daniel Freeman, and things get weird.

Freeman and his colleagues put 200 virtual reality helmet-clad people in a subway ride simulation populated by ostensibly neutral avatars who read newspapers, looked around and sometimes caught their gaze.

Afterwards, Freeman asked subjects what they thought of the avatars. Almost 40 percent experienced one paranoid thought, he reported yesterday in the British Journal of Psychiatry.

I have two quiblets (Latin: "small quibbles") with this study. First, is it really so surprising people are more paranoid when riding the subway? It's small, its cramped, and there's always the chance some psychopath might be sitting next to you, ready to shiv you and pass off your corpse as just being asleep. Frightening place, subways.

Quiblet two: take a look at the virtual subway they used for the study. Those people are terrifying. They're like "The Sims," only evil. I'd be paranoid if I was riding on a subway filled with those guys.

Head Crab

I've always enjoyed the beach--and let's be frank, who doesn't? There's the sun...the sand...the waves...the body parts washed up on shore...

Wait, scratch that last one.

Don't Bogart the Kidneys

The government of the Philippines has apparently decided that their kidneys are too precious to share with foreigners. C'mon, Philippines government: share the wealth. It's not like you were using that other kidney, anyway.