Ten points to whoever can decipher this Australian headline:
"Dob in an aggro driver: push to go national"
It sounds like something a drunken Cockney would say after stumbling out of a bar and three in the morning and tripping over another drunken Cockney passed out on the steps:
"Cor! Dob in an aggro driver, mate!"
Or maybe somebody named Dob--Lou Dobbs? James Dobson? Dobby?--hijacked some kind of agricultural machinery and is threatening to take it on a cross-country rampage.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Great Excuses Throughout History
1600: The Devil made me do it!
1800: My ancestry made me do it!
1950: My upbringing made me do it!
1980: Twinkies made me do it!
2000: My genes made me do it!
2008: Global warming made me do it!
So...if the threat of global warming justifies vandalizing a coal power plant, does the threat of the worldwide obesity epidemic justify me stealing from McDonald's? After all, every fry I eat is one that won't one go to padding the butts of some 600-pounder. It's worth a shot, I suppose.
1800: My ancestry made me do it!
1950: My upbringing made me do it!
1980: Twinkies made me do it!
2000: My genes made me do it!
2008: Global warming made me do it!
So...if the threat of global warming justifies vandalizing a coal power plant, does the threat of the worldwide obesity epidemic justify me stealing from McDonald's? After all, every fry I eat is one that won't one go to padding the butts of some 600-pounder. It's worth a shot, I suppose.
A Bum's Life
After reading this story, I've made up my mind. Forget college! I'm going to be a Beverly Hills bum. Let's take a look at some of the advantages:
-"There are handouts of $2,000 and bottles of Dom Perignon"
Well, it's a step up from peppermint schnapps, that's for sure.
-"Lucky finds of Gucci shoes and diamond-encrusted bracelets"
PLEASE HELP. NEED NEW PAIR OF GUCCI SHOES. CURRENT PAIR HALF A SIZE TOO SMALL. ALSO SIX MONTHS OUT OF STYLE. GOD BLESS.
-"A chance to rub shoulders with rich and famous locals such as Mark Wahlberg and Master P"
And really, isn't it every bum's dream to meet Master P? Well, that, and to find a warm place to sleep and some likker.
I just love the idea of some upper-crust bum snobs who look down on the workaday bums in L.A. and Oakland. I think there's potential for a great movie here, or at the very least a mildly amusing sitcom.
"Coming soon on NBC, it's...Bum Deal, with Patrick Warburton as Aloysius P. Bumley!"
-"There are handouts of $2,000 and bottles of Dom Perignon"
Well, it's a step up from peppermint schnapps, that's for sure.
-"Lucky finds of Gucci shoes and diamond-encrusted bracelets"
PLEASE HELP. NEED NEW PAIR OF GUCCI SHOES. CURRENT PAIR HALF A SIZE TOO SMALL. ALSO SIX MONTHS OUT OF STYLE. GOD BLESS.
-"A chance to rub shoulders with rich and famous locals such as Mark Wahlberg and Master P"
And really, isn't it every bum's dream to meet Master P? Well, that, and to find a warm place to sleep and some likker.
I just love the idea of some upper-crust bum snobs who look down on the workaday bums in L.A. and Oakland. I think there's potential for a great movie here, or at the very least a mildly amusing sitcom.
"Coming soon on NBC, it's...Bum Deal, with Patrick Warburton as Aloysius P. Bumley!"
I Prefer the Kerry Variety
Hey, kids! Tired of boring old Ego waffles for breakfast? Why not have the audacity to change to Obama Waffles? Obama waffles are part of a politically balanced breakfast, as long as they're served with a side of McCain Hash Browns.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam
Is your name a spam magnet (or, as we like to say in the biz, a spamnet)? Turns out that if you have a common first name like John or Bob or whatever, you're more likely to be the target of spammers. Another risk factor is whether your e-mail address begins with a common letter of the alphabet, so God help you if your address is ejohnbob@whatever.com
This is one of the reasons I had to change my birth name, which was John Feelsinadequateabouthismanhoodandcouldusetenextrainches. You wouldn't believe the kind of spam I had to put up with.
This is one of the reasons I had to change my birth name, which was John Feelsinadequateabouthismanhoodandcouldusetenextrainches. You wouldn't believe the kind of spam I had to put up with.
Dead Air
A man is suing American Airlines for misplacing his wife's body. Somehow, I don't think he'll be mollified by American's offer of free peanuts for the rest of his life.
Confession Time
"Bless me, father, for I have sinned."
"Confess your sins to me, my son, and you will be forgiven."
"Well, for the past five years I've been dealing drugs. I've sold marijuana, cocaine, heroin...you name it, I've sold it. Sometimes to children. Sometimes to pets."
"...So, are you changing your ways or what? Because I could really use some good help."
"Confess your sins to me, my son, and you will be forgiven."
"Well, for the past five years I've been dealing drugs. I've sold marijuana, cocaine, heroin...you name it, I've sold it. Sometimes to children. Sometimes to pets."
"...So, are you changing your ways or what? Because I could really use some good help."
Coming Soon from Marvel
ROBBER #1: All right, everybody freeze! This is a stick-up!
ROBBER #2: Now, unfreeze so you can put all your valuables in this here bag!
INNOCENT CITIZEN: Oh, won't somebody please help us?
ROBBER #1: Ow! Hey, Robber #2, you feel that?
ROBBER #2: Ooh, geez, my scalp must be on fire!
ROBBER #1: Ouch! Ow! Aieee!
INNOCENT CITIZEN: Thank heavens! It's Super Louse, come to save the day!
ROBBER #2: Now, unfreeze so you can put all your valuables in this here bag!
INNOCENT CITIZEN: Oh, won't somebody please help us?
ROBBER #1: Ow! Hey, Robber #2, you feel that?
ROBBER #2: Ooh, geez, my scalp must be on fire!
ROBBER #1: Ouch! Ow! Aieee!
INNOCENT CITIZEN: Thank heavens! It's Super Louse, come to save the day!
If I Only Had a Brain
Ha! Suck on this one, vegetarians! Scientists--and scientists from Oxford, no less--have discovered that vegetarians are more likely to suffer from "brain shrinkage."
So what if I eat so many hot dogs and sausages that my heart has swollen to the size of a Christmas ham? At least my brain's still intakt! Or however you spell that!
I guess there is a plus, though. In the event of a zombie invasion, vegetarians will be protected on account of having small, stringy brains. Life is full of trade-offs, I suppose.
So what if I eat so many hot dogs and sausages that my heart has swollen to the size of a Christmas ham? At least my brain's still intakt! Or however you spell that!
I guess there is a plus, though. In the event of a zombie invasion, vegetarians will be protected on account of having small, stringy brains. Life is full of trade-offs, I suppose.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
BIzarre Google Search XX
To properly honor my triumphant return, let's do a Bizarre Google Search for "triumphant return":
Yes, I have indeed returned from space...the final frontier.
Yes, I have indeed returned from space...the final frontier.
The New York Post, Ladies and Gentlemen!
I haven't even read the story, but I couldn't pass up a headline like this:
"TWO SUITS VS. JAILED PERVERT"
Coming next: "GODZILLA VS. JAILED PERVERT"
"ALIEN VS. PREDATOR VS. JAILED PERVERT"
"KRAMER VS. JAILED PERVERT"
The possibilities are endless!
"TWO SUITS VS. JAILED PERVERT"
Coming next: "GODZILLA VS. JAILED PERVERT"
"ALIEN VS. PREDATOR VS. JAILED PERVERT"
"KRAMER VS. JAILED PERVERT"
The possibilities are endless!
Fun with Music
So, of all the many, many songs to top the Billboard chart in the past 50 years, any guesses as to which the most popular of them all?
No, it's not "Hey Jude."
It's not "American Pie."
Heck, it's not even "Macarena."
Still need a hint? OK: the answer will make you weep for humanity.
Perhaps I exaggerate a little. But I am glad to see my rock-snob prejudices backed up by cold, hard data.
No, it's not "Hey Jude."
It's not "American Pie."
Heck, it's not even "Macarena."
Still need a hint? OK: the answer will make you weep for humanity.
Perhaps I exaggerate a little. But I am glad to see my rock-snob prejudices backed up by cold, hard data.
PORN101
"All right, class, settle down. Now that I've handed out your assignments, you can all get to work. Talk amongst yourselves and don't be afraid to ask each other questions if you get stuck. I'm just going to be checking out a few things online and...what? What are you all staring at?"
It's the End of the World as We Knew It
...And damn, we we're feelin' fine! In honor of the recently activated and non-world-destroying Large Hadron Collider, I give you this fascinating list of 30 times the world was supposed to end but stuck around anyway.
My personal favorite is this one from 1584:
Having made close study of the kabbalah, theTurkish rabbi Sabbatai Zevi predicted that the Messiah would make a miraculous return in 1648, and that his name would be Sabbatai Zevi.
Wow! What are the odds of that?
My personal favorite is this one from 1584:
Having made close study of the kabbalah, theTurkish rabbi Sabbatai Zevi predicted that the Messiah would make a miraculous return in 1648, and that his name would be Sabbatai Zevi.
Wow! What are the odds of that?
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