No, Roo, No!

As if Australia weren't hellish enough already--now the kangaroos are turning vicious. This woman was only spared a violent kangaroo-flavored death thanks to the timely intervention of her dog. Good boy! When the time of reckoning comes for the animal kingdom, we'll remember which side you fought with.

QuikThoughts (TM)

When Barack Obama travels to Israel, will he meet with Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak? And if they have a friendly get-together, will we see the headline "Barack Backs Barak?"

And what if they meet in a barracks? The possibilities are endless.

Bizarre Google Post I

Aaaaaand, ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages, but mostly of the childhood age, would you please put your mitts together for today's Bizarre Google Post: "Mr. Bad Example":



That's all the time we have for today, kids! Be sure to tune in tomorrow!

ALL Films?

Headline from Tass: "Kiev's Court Says All Films Should be Dubbed into Ukrainian."

I, for one, can't wait to see the hit new film "Kitovitch Kittrovsky: A Ukrainian Girl."

I Think That I Shall Never See/My Cataracts Are Blinding Me

Hey hey hey! You poetry-o-philes out there (to use the technical Latin term) will be excited to hear America has a new poet laureate: Kay Ryan! Congratulations, Kay! We can only hope she will use her awesome powers responsibly.

Of course, we're all familiar with the ethical travails of some of our earlier poet laureates. There was Ted Kooser, who stained the office with his last-minute pardons of notorious poetry offenders like J.J. Redick. There was the infamous Robert Hass, convicted of selling top-secret Department of Defense limericks to the Chinese Special Poetry Services. And Mark Strand, forced to resign after the appearance of the "Smoking Pun" tape. Criminals all! We can only hope Kay Ryan will restore honor and dignity to the post of poet laureate.

No One Honors My Name Pt. 2

A group of British psychologists with a lot of free time recently released a groundbreaking study on how our names influence our lives. Short summary: if you're named after British royalty, or if you're a celebrity baby with a goofy name, you'll live a happy and fruitful life. If not, well, tough noogies. (or, as my spellcheck recommends, "tough boogies")

Nicholas Cage, for instance, named his kid Kal-El. Scoff if you will (and I know you will, because I sure did), but the study says the kid "has a short, hard-sounding name which is also the original moniker of Superman, making it sexy and attractive." Please, God, don't let stupid people hear about this study or they'll all start naming their kids after superheroes. Kindergarten roll call will sound like a meeting of the Justice League.

How about my name? I do, after all, share my moniker with a few former kings of Britain. Most of them, however, are notable for little more than the way they snuffed it.

William I: Killed by a fall from his horse; broke in half while being crammed into his coffin
William II Rufus: Arrow'd in a suspicious hunting accident
William III: Broke his neck after his horse stumbled on a molehill

Quite a noble name I've got there.

Embarassed Admission, No. 537

I've been listening to a lot of ABBA for the past few weeks. Arrgghh! I said it! I just can't stop listening to "Waterloo" over...and over...and over again. I can't even excuse myself by explaining that I just watched "Mamma Mia!" and, because of said "Mamma Mia!," have the songs stuck in my head. I chose to download ABBA's greatest hits of my own volition.

All I can say is: thank God I don't have any indy cred to lose. It would've been torn to shreds long ago, about the time I downloaded "Elton John's Greatest Hits" onto my iPod. Oh, c'mon, like you've never listened to Crocodile Rock twelve times in a row.

Looking through my music library, I would have to list the following bands as my guiltiest pleasures. In no particular order:

ABBA
The Turtles
Gordon Lightfoot
Zager & Evans
Tommy James
a-ha
Def Leppard (OK, I confess to feeling particularly guilty about this one)

Thankfully, I can explain them all away by saying "It's ironic!"

No One Honors My Name

"Jim Smiths Gather to Honor Jim Smiths"

...But of course!

I Thought This Only Worked in Movies

A Texas prisoner found a novel way to combine his two loves, dieting and escaping from prison. He lost weight until he was skinny enough to slip out of through an air vent. Now there's a business idea: the "Escape from a Hellhole of Boredom and Male Rape Diet." It would kick Atkins's ass!

The story also notes that the Texas Rangers were called out to join the hunt. What, when they're only third in the AL West?

"...I Meant Gandhi"

Quick! Before it's too late! You have only three hours left to watch "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" while it's still free! I admit, I had never seen anything by Joss Whedon before I watched this. Not Buffy, not Firefly, not nothing. Now, though, I might have to start. Curse you, Dr. Horrible! I can't afford to rent any more DVDs!

Take His Breath Away

Dominic Bakewell, of 80s band Berlin fame (or, to be more accurate, 80s band Berlin "fame") recently underwent surgery to remove a brain tumor. Why is this news, do you ask? A fair question. Here's why it's news: in order to help the surgeons map his brain, he had to sing. On the operating table. While his brain was being cut open. No word on whether he sang any tunes in particular, although one hopes it wasn't Pink Floyd's "Brain Damage."

Death March of the Penguins

Hundreds of dead penguins are washing up on the shores of Brazil. And most of them were babies. The only way this could get worse is if dead puppies and kittens started washing up alongside them.

Personally? I blame Michael Bay.

Mr. Smith Goes to Town

There's nothing I like better than a brutal movie review, and few people do that better than the New York Post's Kyle Smith. Today, the victim is the execrable-sounding Space Chimps, featuring the vocal talents of the legendary Andy Samberg. Take it away, Kyle!

Waterin' the Garden, If You Catch My Drift

The key paragraph from this story:

Barton Grange Garden Centre at Brock claim to the first business in the UK to install designer floral urinals in the men's toilets.

The first business to install designer floral urinals? Somehow, I doubt there's a lot of competition for that title.

However, this story did get me thinking about other potential urinals (side note: "Potential Urinals" goes in my "Good Band Name" file) How about a dentist's office where the urinals are shaped like cavity-filled teeth? Or what if a funeral home had casket-shaped urinals? The mind boggles!

StumbleUpon...

...Is indeed a wonderful thing. Without it, how would I have found this "Make Your Own Jackson Pollock Painting" site? Can YOU match up next to the undisputed master of abstract expressionism?