I find this story outrageous. "Couple accused of assault using Cheetos"? Everyone knows Cheetos are useless in a fight. Don't be fooled by their club-like shape; they shatter on impact and, what's worse, they leave a greasy orange residue all over your hands.
No, when it comes to snack-based warfare, give me a bag of Bugles any day. Their wide, flared ends are perfect for bludgeoning, while the pointed end makes for a useful stabbing weapon. Plus, no one actually eats Bugles anyway, so you don't have to feel guilty about wasting food.
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