Five Kinds of DC Pedestrians

Coal Mine Canary: Usually part of a tourist group, the Coal Mine Canary's job is to ensure the safety of his compatriots. When the Walk sign flashes, the Canary dashes across the street, looking like he expects to be run down at any moment. Upon reaching the other side he turns to his fellow tourists and spreads his arms wide, seeming to say, All clear!

Cannon Fodder: Head down, eyes on the pavement, ears plugged with an iPod, the Cannon Fodder marches forward in grim defiance of all known traffic laws. Crosswalks do not stop him. Don't Walk signs do not slow him. Nothing but a high-seed encounter with a Metrobus can shake the Cannon Fodder from his morning routine.

New Yorker: To the New Yorker, traffic is not, as the dictionary says, "the movement of vehicles, ships, persons, etc., in an area," but rather a never-ending conflict between motorists and pedestrians. The New Yorker treats all cars with the contempt normally shown only to child molesters. Drivers who cross the New Yorker--by honking at him, for instance--will receive a shower of four-letter words in response. And those words ain't "Hiya."

Middle-of-the-Roaders: The polar opposite of the Cannon Fodder, Middle-of-the-Roaders live in perpetual fear. Thus, when crossing the street, they worm their way into the center of the crowd. Presumably, those people provide a barrier between the Middle-of-the-Roader and the vicious taxi driver waiting to turn him into tomorrow's vending-cart burrito meat.

Will-o'-the-Wisp: Beware the Will-o'-the-Wisp. They are often encountered at night, or at lonely crosswalks. They walk against the light, when the sign clearly says Don't Walk. Of course, when they start crossing, there isn't a car in sight. But as soon as you try to follow them--BAM! You become yet another victim of DC's most malevolent breed of pedestrian.