I, Will Schultz, have figured out why Americans will never like soccer. The solution came to me while reading Bill Simmons, of all people. One of his readers argued that Americans will adopt soccer because we love underdogs--and what dog could be more under than the American soccer team?
In rebuttal, consider the following thought experiment. Take a well-adjusted person who has never paid sports any attention. Let's say he decided to become a rabid sports fan. He needs to choose a team to root for in every major sport.
Let's assume a little more. He decides to pick his teams not by relying on his friends and family, but by reading up on sports history. After a few weeks of intensive study he's ready to make his decision (broadcast on ESPN and hosted by Jim Gray). Who will he pick?
One thing for sure: he's not going to choose the underdogs. In the NBA, he's going to pick the Lakers or the Celtics, not the Clippers or Kings. His NFL team is more likely to be the Steelers than the Lions. On the baseball diamond, he'll root for the Yankees; if he's adventurous he might cheer for the Red Sox or Dodgers.
People want their teams to have at least a chance of victory. No sane person would willingly choose to root for the Charlotte Bobcats. Why? Because the Bobcats will never, ever win an NBA championship. The voluntary Bobcats fan is consigning himself to a lifetime of perpetual disappointment.
So it is with soccer. Americans can't win, and so they won't even play. For my next act, I will solve hunger, bring about world peace, and get "Arrested Development" back on the airwaves.
Oh, and if this post makes you nostalgic for buzzing vuvuzelas, check out Spitting Image's take on the fine art of calling soccer games.
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