Take Me Home, Country Roads

Hillary looks to have won a thumpin' victory in the West Virginia primary. It seems she succeeded in appealing to the "moonshine moms" who make up a key voter demographic in the Mountaineer State. I would try to provide some analysis, but its late and I'm tired. So all you get is this lame joke.

The Troof Is Out There

Happy news for all you British UFOlogists out there (you know who you are): the British government has declassified nearly a decade worth of files related to UFO sightings. Among them is this gem:

One man explained in great detail his "physical and psychic contact" with green aliens since he was a child.

The writer said that one of them, called Algar, was killed in 1981 by another race of beings as he was about to make contact with the UK government.

Bummer, man.

Return to Wackypedia

I have returned! Sorry for the prolonged absence, but...hmm. I was just going to explain my absence, but that would imply that I have readers who cared about me, which would imply that I have readers period. So let's skip the explanations and get straight back to the WACKYNESS! Woo hoo hoo!

...

That took a lot out of me. This blogging business is harder that I remembered.

Bizarre Google Search VI

Let's top off this truncated day of blogging with a Bizarre Google Search for...hmmm...how about "truncated day of blogging"?

I'm not quite sure how this one ended up in my search, but I've got to say it's quite good.

Nuclear Cheese

Here, I shall show you the difference between things that are only slightly funny and things that are outrageously funny. Behold:

Situation #1: Contractor, heading off for his first day of work at a nuclear power plant in Wisconsin, tells convenience store clerk that he hopes he won't "blow the place up."
Humor Analysis: Mildly funny joke involving death and destruction of hundred. C+

Situation #2: Clerk mishears contractor and thinks he says he "came to blow the place up." Clerk calls FBI, leading to mass evacuation from the power plant.
Humor Analysis: Comical misunderstanding that leads to panic. A+!

This...

...Should go great with Take-your-Daughter-to-work day!

Also, note to self: never go to Florida. I have made this resolution several times before, but there's no such thing as being too careful. Or being too frightened of Florida.

Wackypedia with the Assist!

To continue with last posts's sports theme, allow me to act as your blogging point guard for a second and dish out a hot link: the Comics Curmudgeon, certainly one of the funniest websites on the internet that involves Gil Thorp.* Read. Enjoy. Go home happy.

*There's more than you might expect

Go, Team!

Let the ridiculous predictions start! According to this guy and this guy, North Carolina is going to be the number one team in the nation next year. Go Heels! Even this guy thinks we're going to be number two, so, hey, that counts for something.

Wait, it actually doesn't count for anything. NONE of these count for anything. They mean roughly as much as a caterpillar's cough, to use a folksy saying that my grandpa probably would have used if he had grown up in the deep south.

Good Lord, I wish I was a sports "expert". You can spend the entire year churning out absolute crap and no one will ever, ever call you on it. Just pick the favorites, sprinkle in a bit of "inside" information, top it off with a "controversial" opinion, and BANG! Set for life! The only downside is you're probably going to have to spend some time aroudn Skip Bayless, which is never pleasant.

From the "Better Late than Never Files"...

Comes the story of the British island of Sark which, after 450 years, has finally got around to trying this "democracy" thing everybody's been talking about. Making things even crazier is the fact that Sark also has banned automobiles. No word on whether or not indoor plumbing is sanctioned.

I really think that before we tried to bring democracy to Iraq, we should have done a dry run at Sark. Advantages:
1) Less likelihood of getting blown up by angry insurgents
2) Larger supply of marmite

Argue against that, if you can.

Haiku Review: The Grand Inquisitor

Jesus has come back!
Looks like he's going to burn
Damn inquisitor

Michael Crichton Was Right!

Good God! The horrible future predicted in "Prey" has come true!...sort of. Scientists report that nanite particles used in no-smell socks and underwear may find their way into the environment and kill helpful bacteria. This would be tragic, as helpful bacteria, among other things, are the only way microscopic old women can ever cross teeny-weeny roads without being run over by miniscule cars.

Why is it that every time mankind tries to smell good, he ends up destroying the environment? First there was spray-on deoderant, and now there's this. It seems God wants us to stink, in which case, I suppose we've really got no choice.

Frankfury

A terrible, horrible story: a husband and wife get into a furious domestic dispute that ends with said wife stabbing said husband with as yet unsaid steak knife.

But here's the good part: they were fighting about hot dogs. It doesn't say what about hot dogs they were fighting over, but I'm willing to guess they were arguing about who loved hot dogs more. Because everyone loves those hot diggity dogs.

Bizarre Google Search V

After a hard day's work on the internet, time to kick back and relax with a good ol' Bizarre Google Search. Today's topic is "the unbearable whiteness of being":

This means something.

Jay-Z Gets a 100th Problem

And it's Beyonce. I really don't have anything to add--I just thought the headline would be good. But now that I look back on it, I feel pangs of regret. Was it really as clever as I thought it was? Oh, the agonies of the blogger.

Off the Mark

Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton's chief strategist and the architect of one of the blandest presidential candidacies of the past decade, has been bounced from his position after some questionable lobbying ties came to light. Wow. Malfeasance surrounding the Clintons? I would never have suspected it.

I'm going to play the part of political strategist for the moment. My qualification includes watching a lot of CNN, which is sort of like saying I can play for the Lakers because I watch ESPN. But oh well. Penn's problem, I think, was that he encouraged Hillary to focus on the wrong one of her advantages.

You see (and I'm sure you do) Hillary had two strengths: she offered "change" (she's not George W. Bush) and she offered "competence" (she's been around f-o-r-e-v-e-r). For most of the election season Hillary emphasized the latter, and in doing so she became the candidate of the Clintonista 1990s--the candidate of the past. She became too tied to Bill and never got the chance to be her own candidate. This made it easy for Barack Obama to come in, talk a lot about "change," and take away the frontrunner crown from her (note: not an actual crown).

Man, I really ramble when it comes to talking about politics. But what can I say? I'm weird that way (among other ways).