Oh Baby

Do you hate your baby? Do you want to humiliate and/or terrify them on a daily basis? Then have I got a picture gallery for you!

Tonight on ESPN

At 7, LeBron James and the Cleveland Foresters take on the surging Memphis Mounties!

Tune in at 9:30 to see if the New Jersey Swamp Dragons can change their losing ways with a much-needed win over the Miami Beaches!

And at 11, Dwight Howard's Orlando Juice goes toe-to-toe with the always-formidable Utah Cajuns!

All that and more, on ESPN!

Eggsactly

What do Rocky and Margaret Thatcher have in common? No, the answer isn't "biceps the size of bowling balls." You'll find the real answer...here.

The Criminal's Handbook, Tip #56: The Getaway Vehicle

OK, you just pulled off the heist of a lifetime--now what? How about GETTING AWAY, GENIUS? All the loot in the world won't help you if you wind up in the clink. The word to remember is "hustle." Get moving and don't stop until you reach the ratty little apartment you call home.

There are many different theories about the proper getaway vehicle. Cars are a perennial favorite. Not hard to see why--fast, inconspicuous, plenty of trunk space for the cash. Trucks? Though some experts (Swarbrick, Livengood et al., 2001) have argued a truck one-ups the car in every significant category, many top-notch burglars are still a little hesitant. Sure, you can pile a ton of stuff in the back of a truck. But a pickup zipping down the freeway with a flatbed full of stolen art is kind of a tip-off.

There are some definite no-nos when it comes to picking a getaway vehicle

No planes! It's hard to park a Lear jet across from a bank.
No tanks! Hard to stop, easy to follow. Don't do it.
No unicycles! You might as well wear a red nose during the heist.
And most of all: no pedal boats!

Bizarre Google Search

Let me celebrate one of my favorite songs from the sixties with a BGS for "double shot of my baby's love":



Yes, nothing quite captures the raw, anarchic energy of the Swingin' Medallions quite like a pair of purple flowers.

Fab Five: Promises in Obama's SOTU

"I promise to remember to take out the trash on Tuesday evenings, even if it means missing a couple minutes of the Bulls game."

"I promise that every man, woman, and child can hit me in the face with a whipped-cream pie if I don't pass a health care bill in the next six months."

"I promise to return Reggie's mix tape. Sorry, Reggie."

"I promise to tell people how I really feel. Let me start by saying that you--all of you, in Congress and watching on television--are morons. Utter morons."

"I promise to stop crossing my fingers when I promise things."

Yob? What's a Yob?

Yob (n): A young English hooligan, often wearing a hooded sweatshirt, with an inexplicable fondness for urinating on courthouses.

Meat Lover's Special

From Atlantic magazine: "13 Meals to Please a Carnivore." Amazingly, only one of them contains bacon, and then only as a topping. There is nothing bacon-stuffed, bacon-wrapped, bacon-loaded, bacon-anythinged.

Atlantic is putting up the recipes in celebration of National Meat Week; for a list of (seemingly) every single food holiday in America, check this handy website. Now I've gotta run--tomorrow is National Croissant Day and I'm fresh out of currant jam.

The Fat of the Land

Pishtaco: Misspelling on a Taco Bell menu, or an ancient and terrifying Peruvian legend? Dear reader, please be assured that I wouldn't be posting it if it were the former.

Free Fallin'

You'll end with a great deal of pain
Should you fall from a high-flying plane
But you might survive
Your unwanted sky-dive
Let "Popular Mechanics" explain

All in the Family

For Obama, reading this story ought to take the sting out of losing Massachusetts. No hard feelings between family members, right?

Bizarre Google Search

Today's BGS honors The Kinks, because they really deserve a good old-fashioned honoring. Hence, a search for "death of a clown":



Ha ha ha!

The Politician

Could things get any worse for John Edwards? Yes--and this book is the reason why.

People With Too Much Time on Their Hands, Part XVII

This is so cool! And so stupid! At the same time! I can't stop ending things with exclamation points!

Ach Du Lieber

To avoid any accusations of grossly bad taste, I will pass over the obvious joke about Germans and their preoccupation with burning things.

A Tasty Bagel

Though the headline is hard to beat--"Burning bagel empties Portland City Hall"--my favorite line in this whole story is still "There's no immediate word on who burned the bagel in the toaster oven or what type of bagel it was."

Let's just hope it wasn't cinnamon raisin. A wasted c-r bagel--now that's a real tragedy.

Bizarre Google Search

Let's make this BGS a tribute to the similarly-initialed Battlestar Galactica. Given that there's so many BSG images out there, though, let's give Google a challenge: not Battlestar Galactica, but Battlecar Galactica.

Voila!

Mon dieu!

Built Ford Tough

A couple months ago, ESPN's Bill Simmons came up with an amusing parlor game: if you pick any actor in history, NBA draft style, and on picking them you would win DVDs of every film they had every made, who would you choose first?

I thought for a bit. Then I thought a little more. And a little bit more. Then I realized I was an idiot: this wasn't a choice at all. Harrison Ford is number one, with all other contenders a distant, distant second.

Consider: with Ford, you get two of filmdom's greatest franchises, Star Wars and Indiana Jones. He also gets you The Fugitive, a great one-off action film, and the one-two punch of Patriot Games and Clear and Present Danger. But wait--there's more! American Graffiti, Working Girl, Witness--all Ford films. You even pick up Apocalypse Now, for goodness sake!

But here's the thing. Ford made a ton of classic movies, but nearly all--OK, all--of those films came up before the mid-90s. Ever since then, Ford has lurched from stinker to stinker like a drunken frat boy stumbling to his next kegger. Where did it go wrong? The Daily Beast investigates.

Got Your Goat

Has Obama tried this? It's a long shot, sure, but I feel that slaughtering innocent animals is usually worth the risk.

Fab Five: Debilitating Injuries to Athletes

Jordan fever--symptoms include hot hand, fire in belly, burning drive to win

Sprained ATL--applicable only to teams from Atlanta

Hot dog throat--throat jammed with hot dogs; common among competitive eaters, NFL linemen

Glanduromodramados maximosa--rare disease which affects only Don King

Being Terrell Owens--tragically incurable

Vintage Jay

Readitnow: the inside scoop on the bitter feud between Letterman and Leno! Jay double-crosses Dave, Dave hits back hard! Granted, it's not exactly Lincoln-Douglas--or even Bird-Magic--but it's interesting stuff nonetheless.

WHAMMO!

Headline: Sotomayor Stars in Comic Book. She's going to be profiled in a comic book series called "Female Force," which, despite its awesome name, features absolutely zero ass-kicking action. Too bad. I would've liked to see a Supreme Justice League, featuring such heroes as "Fireball" Scalia, "Swingin'" Anthony Kennedy, and "Way Too Old" Stevens.

The Naked Truth

If I had to pick one celebrity who I'd least like to see nude photos of...this guy would top the list, hands down.

Free Haggis!

Forget the embargo on Cuba. This is something we need to get angry about. Grab your bagpipes, I'll get my tartan kilt, and let's meet at the Washington monument around 5.

The New Jersey Grenadiers

This guy deserves whatever he gets. Anyone who has ever played GoldenEye knows that the grenade launcher is unreliable, inaccurate, and downright bad. A true artist favors the long-range ballistic elegance of a rocket launcher.

Next on the Agenda: Piledrivers

Headline: "Virginia Senate passes bill to allow clothes lines." Hulk Hogan immediately registers his approval.

Fab Five: Fantasy Bestsellers

Frommer's Guide to Middle Earth

Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie: The Book

Orky Romano

Terry Pratchett's Punsylvania

The Wheel of Time: The Fiery Flames of I Can't Write This Crap Anymore

Bizarre Google Search

Time for a moment of truth: I don't understand Boolean logic. With that in mind...behold, the BGS for "I don't understand Boolean logic":



Side note: when it noticed I was searching for "I don't understand bo-," Google helpfully suggested I might want to look up "I don't understand boys." Thanks for doubting my sexuality, Google. I appreciate it.

Fab Five: Unpopular Board Games

Strategoy: The Classic Game of Gentile Strategy

Binary Scrabble

Not At All F*****g Sorry

Jack Kevorkian Presents: Operation

Fister

Inside the Bizarre Mind Of...

Though David Lynch has long had a stranglehold on the title of "America's weirdest director," this virtual gallery proves that Tim Burton can claim at least a share of the crown. I particularly like his depiction of a nightmarishly anorexic Ramone, complete with knobby white kneebones sticking out of his jeans.

Pigging Out

Is Shaq on The Onion's payroll? If not, he should be, considering all the great headlines he's generated over the years. Like this one.

Choose Your Own Aria

CLARA ARABELLA
Oh woe is me, oh woeful day
It seems I cannot get away
From Dickish Dirk, who seeks a wife
Here he comes now, f-my life

DICKISH DIRK
Ah! My little buttercup
Have you at long last given up?
Given in to dickish me?
Please say yes, and do hurry

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
If Clara should give in to Dirk, text 11045
If Dirk should ravish the unwilling Clara, text 11040
If Bold Mike Foxtooth should show up, text 11095
If you're already disenchanted with this whole texting experiment, text 00005

Dog Daze

Geez, can you really blame them?

This Post Sponsored by the Number 4

This story makes it official: Brett Favre is definitely coming back next year.

Bizarre Google Search

<"Witty" opener TK>




<"Punny" closer TK>

Sit Down, Shut Up

Now this story is just absAAAAAARGGGGHHHH

I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing, Except This

How's Steven Tyler faring since his acrimonious split with Aerosmith? The evidence seems to indicate: not good. Not good at all.

At least people liked his karaoke rendition of an Aerosmith song. Imagine the embarrassment if they hadn't. It would be a bit like that time Charlie Chaplin lost a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest. Or that time Steve Miller lost the contest for World's Biggest Asshole.

Chilling

OK, all you wannabe Dr. Houses, here's a puzzle for you. A man goes for a dip in the ocean, gets out, feels his heart start to pound, and promptly collapses. Same thing happens during his next trip to the beach. Besides elevated heart rate and loss of consciousness, he also suffers from a bizarre swelling of the hands.

Tick, tick, tick, tick...hurry up! A man's life is at stake!

If House were here, he would probably inject the guy full of saltwater or something equally wacky. The guy would seize up, bleed out, and flatline, all at once. But House would finally discover the problem--which would no doubt be a tiny tumor stashed away in some major organ.

As usual, though, the truth is far more interesting than anything on the TV. Our sap was suffering from temperature-induced urticartia. In layman's terms, he was allergic to cold. No word on whether he will need to change his ice cream consumption habits.

Moving Violation

When we speak of someone being "moved by art," this is not the kind of thing we have in mind.

Bizarre Google Search

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten the good ol' BSG. We got a live one tonight: "That was a very tasteless speech."



JESUS, NO!

Coked Up

While this story is undeniably heartwarming, I fear the ramifications of millions of nerds learning that the body can survive for 11 days on Coca-Cola alone. It will no doubt produce some sort of super-caffeinated zombie nerd--unstoppable, unkillable, and utterly insufferable.

Blog Posts from Heaven

Pope Benedict is encouraging priests to take up blogging, eh? At least that's better than Muggle Quidditch.

Duck Herding?

Wired presents "Obscure Hobbies for Obsessive Geeks"--wait, are they implying the existence of non-obsessive geeks?

Also, if any son of mine comes home from college and tells me he's signed up for the Muggle Quidditch League, I will disown him so fast it'll make his Quaffle spin.

The Third Degree

If you happen to be majoring in something utterly useless--Art History, say, or even plain old vanilla History--then you ought to read this article. Turns out there are degrees even more worthless than your own!

Believe it or not, people are paying good money to major in "The Beatles" at Liverpool Hope University, or to major in Anime at (where else) Tokyo University for the Arts. I particularly like the degree in Puppetry offered by the University of Connecticut--and note, it's not just a degree, it's a master's degree. Would that make one a...master of puppets?

Bizarre Google Search

Well folks, reckon it's 'bout time we wrapped this up. And what better way to mosey on into the sunset then with a BGS for "a brief history of everything"?



That 'bout sums it up.

A Bit of a Bit of Fry & Laurie

Why do my Bible study sessions never focus on topics like this? I guess the biggest problem is that I don't actually go to Bible study sessions. After watching this clip, though, I may have to start.

Lovin' Large

Just as there exist right and wrong ways to eat a Reese's Cup, there are always right and wrong ways to break up with your significant other. Observe:

Right: In person
Sort-of Right: Telephone call
Wrong: Via e-mail
Extremely Wrong: Text message
Hilarious: On a giant billboard in Times Square

Thank you for your attention.

History a la Beck

Oh, looky here. Glenn Beck is coming out with a new history-flavored documentary. I imagine it's a lot like regular history, ONLY WITH A LOT MORE SHOUTING.

Aggravated Mansmother

Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've read a story like this. Or the second. Or even the eighth.

Why Martha Coakley Lost

Repeatedly hinted that she had a crush on Derek Jeter

Began her campaign speeches by saying, "I'm Martha Coakley, and I have people chauffeur me everywhere in a limousine"

Referred to Worcester, MA, as a "hellhole," which may be accurate but is nonetheless very bad politics

Spent a whole day punching out people in front of Fenway Park

Insufficiently wicked

Bizarre Google Search

I hereby declare this day of posting ended. Let us celebrate with a BGS for "lift up your heart":



Only "like"? C'mon, Danielle, put your heart in it!

I Want My Cornerback, Cornerback, Cornerback

Interesting article from Slate about defensive backs, that rare breed of players whose stats go down the better they get--if quarterbacks are too scared to throw towards you, you'll never rack up any interceptions, right?

White Light, White Heat

Oh boy, a new whites-only basketball league! I can't wait to see some the nicknames those guys dish out. Count on there being at least a dozen "white chocolates" and perhaps five or six "white lightnings." And how about Steve "White Riot" Nordstrom? Ed "White-Out" Bennington, a fierce defensive player also known as "The Corrector"? And my personal favorite: Bradley "White Christmas" Coppersmith, renowned throughout the whole league for his jollity.

From the "Duh" Department

"Quitting smoking after lung cancer diagnosis helps survival." In a word: Duh.

NFL Playoff Predictions

New Orleans Saints: Coach Sean Payton stays up all night leafing through back copies of "Martha Stewart Living," hoping to find tips on how to host the perfect NFC championship game

Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings explosive offense is crippled when Brett Favre retires midway through the second quarter

New York Jets: Everyone keeps calling the Jets a Cinderella team, completely ignoring the absurdity of describing a bunch of 300-pound sweat-drenched muscle slabs as "Cinderellas"

Indianapolis Colts: Peyton Manning finally perfects a hip-swiveling dance with which to accompany his shouted audibles

Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo goes to Las Vegas to celebrate his earlier-than-expected summer vacation

Burning Up the Charts

The Most Covered Songs in History
1. White Christmas
2. Yesterday
...
425. Margaritaville
...
1084. Teenage Lobotomy
...
11,957, but rising fast. Pants on the Ground

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

CHECK OUT THIS AWESOME STORY ABOUT HOW $200,000 WORTH OF RED BULL WAS STOLEN FROM A NAVY FACILITY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO SO MUCH RED BULL I WONDER I WONDER I REALLY WONDER OH LOOK A SQUIRREL!

Bizarre Google Search

To the Googlemobile, Robin! We're off in hot pursuit of "let's lend a helping hand":



POW! BIFF! WHAMMO!

Bono (In the Name of Love)

I guess this makes things all better in Haiti. OK! Now which other nations need a helping hand from Bono? You, Iceland? You've seemed pretty down lately. Here's a new charity single from Bono, comin' right up!

Frogger...Now in 3D!

Popular Mechanics argues that the real future of TV lies not in movies or television but in gaming. Makes sense to me. After all, video games are geared towards immersion, which makes 3D their natural ally. 3D films are gimmicky--watch out, that flying rock is gonna bash you in head! 3D games resemble reality, albeit a reality in which you tote around guns the size of Volkswagons.

So bring on the 3D games! 3D Pacman: the ghosts come flying right into your face! 3D SimCity: When the people flee from the tornado you yourself summoned, they run past you, screaming! 3D Space Invaders: It gets infinitely harder as you face enemies coming from an infinite number of directions! What fun!

Hair Today, Necklace Tomorrow

There once was a lady named Claire
Who made jewelry from her own hair
Not her head, cause you see
She's as bald as can be
But rather the hair from down there

OK, only the first two lines are accurate, but do you really expect me to pass up posting a limerick like that?

He's My DD

Only the "D" don't mean "designated." Try "decomposing."

Bizarre Google Search

In honor of recent events in the Bay State, let's go sniffing around for "stunning upset victory":



I could take him. Just sayin'.

Terrible, Terrible Tom Swifties

"My legs have been cut off at the knees," Tom said shortly.

"Who the hell turned off the lights?" said Tom darkly.

"I've just been run over by a steamroller," Tom said flatly.

"Those Beatles boys will never amount to a thing," Tom said squarely.

"Oh dear, the power went out just as David Letterman was about to do his top ten," Tom said listlessly.

Derr...Gravity Makes Things Fall

Ever get angry when a movie hero smashes through a plate glass window and keeps running, when he should by all rights collapse and bleed to death from a zillion cuts?

Does it infuriate you when a bizarre alien fungus grows to Brandoesque size by seemingly manifesting biomass out of nowhere?

Do you take great umbrage when a single bullet turns a piddling puddle of gasoline into a raging inferno?

I've got news for you: you take movies way too seriously! Er, I mean, you need to check out this website: Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics! Featuring devastating takedowns of Avatar, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Quantum of Solace, and other movies, all taken to task for their failure to obey the fundamental laws of physics!

Don't miss it! Bring the kids and popcorn! Then leave the kids! The wife will never know!

Roll Dem Bones

Come to think of it, I haven't seen Queen Elizabeth in quite a while...I wonder whatever happened to OH MY GOD

A Cartoon History of Sarah Palin

Believe it or not, but Ward Sutton does more than draw the Onion's to-the-right-of-Conan-the-Barbarian editorial cartoons. Here's his cartoon review of Sarah Palin's Going Rogue; sadly, it has no weeping Statues of Liberty, but it does boast the creepiest Joe Lieberman this side of...reality, I suppose.

Avatargghhh

I would make a joke about "becoming one with Eywa," but it would be very, very tasteless. Oops...

Bizarre Google Search

A truly biz-aaaarre result for "now I've got an indication":



Note the acid-freakout version of the Mystery Mobile.

Pretty Pretty

A lovely reminder that there is plenty of beauty left in the world, so long as you are willing to overlook New Jersey.

Sweet Tooth

The Secret Recipe for a Milky Way Candy Bar
One dash of deliciousness
A spoonful of chocolate delight
Three drops of sweetness
A pinch of creamy smoothness
One human tooth

Wait, something's not right...

Top 5 Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Ways to Class Up Your Hot Pocket

Top 10 Top 10 Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Things Sitting Within Arm’s Reach As I Type This

Top 10 Alternate Uses for Your Croquet Mallet

Top 10 Numbers (1-10 Only)

God is Watching

...And he might just blow your head off.

With Great Power, Etc.

Congratulations, Tobey Maguire, on landing the role of Bilbo in Guillermo del Toro's upcoming Tolekintastic version of The Hobbit.

It would be interesting to see how a method actor prepares to play the world's most well-known hobbit. Would they walk around on their knees to acclimate themselves to Bilbo's point of view? Would they glue cotton balls to their feet to replicate Bilbo's hairy extremities? And would they smoke a lot of weed, as Bilbo was wont to do? These are the kind of questions that need answering.

Cow Tales

The late, great Woody Allen shows that he still has it. I'm not sure what "it" refers to, but whatever it is, it probably had a major role in making Annie Hall and a very small one in making The Curse of the Jade Scorpion.

Take the Game to the Other Guy For 11 Minutes and Don't Let Up

Let's say your favorite football team does the unthinkable and goes 19-0. 19 games, 19 wins, no losses, no ties. Now take the action from all 19 games--not the entire game, just the stuff that happens between when the ball is snapped and when the play is whistled dead. Put all of those plays together on one highlight reel.

How long do you think it would take to watch the actual plays from all 19 games? A day? Two days? Longer? Try shorter. Try, in fact, a little under 3 hours. That's because in a 60 minute NFL game, there is (on average) 11 minutes of action. That's barely longer than Stairway to Heaven.

So next time you're watching a football game and get the urge for pretzels, go ahead and get your snack. Chances are, the only thing you'll miss is some shots of a disgruntled second-string quarterback fondling his clipboard.

Bizarre Google Search

To keep holy the sabbath day, I hereby dedicate this Bizarre Google Search to the phrase "the very very reverend":



Gah! Forget forehead. That's at least an eighthead.

Deus Ex Sandwich

I suppose this means that I'm not going to get much on eBay for that apparition of St. Thomas Aquinas which appeared in my almond butter. I guess I'll have to find other, even shadier ways to pay my tuition bill...I guess there's always freelance organ donation.

Inexplicable Weather Forecasts

Slightly clichéd

Cloudy with a chance of not

Partly punny

50% chance of stuff falling from sky

Kafkaesque

Cameron=Tyler Durden

Via the mildly-indispensable Cracked comes: "6 Insane Fan Theories That Actually Make Great Movies Better." And while I might disagree with their classification of The Matrix Revolutions as "great," everything else seems spot-on. I'm particularly intrigued by the "Ferris is a figment of Cameron's imagination" theory. If that's true, though, how does one explain Principal Rooney? Perhaps he's the representation of Cameron's dad--even in his wildest fantasy, Cameron still gets hounded by a male authority figure. Or maybe this whole thing is simply wacky crap made up by some wacky fan. Take your pick.

Fight Fiercely, Harvard

Interesting story about those rarest of things: an Asian basketball player. No, it's not Yao Ming. Anyway, Jeremy Lin plays for Harvard, and...no, I said it isn't Yao Ming. So Jeremy plays...Harvard, I said, Harvard, not Houston! Geez, shut up about Yao Ming already!

Wonders...or Blunders?

Boy, isn't technology amazing? Even as I write this blog post on my iPhone, I'm simultaneously hurrying down the street on my way to a (THUNK)

Bizarre Google Search

Zzzz...so sleepy...barely have enough strength to search for "the late, late, late, late show":



Vampires...so hot right now...zzzzzz

Proposals to Solve Jay vs. Conan

Have both men host the show together, alternating between words

Hold a deathmatch: Leno's chin vs. O'Brien's pompadour

Inject them both with truth serum and ask, "OK, which one of you wants it more?"

Bring back Johnny Car...never mind

In a Solomonic maneuver, offer to split the show in half; the true Tonight Show host will selflessly resign rather than see his beloved show torn asunder

Weight Weight, Don't Tell Me

This, I believe, is a message from God, and it proves that he wants us to eat and grow fat. On that note, time to hit the vending machine and see if they restocked the Mallomars.

Bizarre Google Search

You know what's coming next: a Bizarre Google Search for "where's waldo now?" I won't keep you waiting. Here goes:



Hee hee. Sex.

Some Things Were Not Meant To Be Found

Remember Waldo? Yeah, I could never find that guy, but I always had fun looking. The real entertainment came from the richly, almost obsessively detailed drawings in which Waldo hid. As I kid, I spent hours flipping through Waldo books. Hey, I was a dumb kid. Whaddayagonnado?

But in my youthful innocence I missed some of the strange--even downright disturbing--things hidden in those picture books. "Topless mermaid orgy," anyone? And my favorite comment: "It's like David Lynch dropped by for a guest sketch." Very true.

Saving Money in the New Year

Tear your dollar bills in half to make them go farther

Take a gamble on one of those Nigerian banker e-mails; they can't all be scams, right?

Do some freelance panhandling on the side

Get rid of your cell phone and communicate by yelling very loudly

Hire someone to follow you around and punch you in the head any time you think about spending money

Move Over, Dr. Atkins

Video games have many uses, but there are two things they cannot do. First, they can't find you a girlfriend, no matter how much virtual gold you have or how many eldritch scrolls you've collected. Second--and even more depressing for most gamers--video games can't help you lose weight.

Or so I thought...until I found this story about a Georgia teen who dropped 150 pounds by treating weight loss like a video game. But even after reading the article, I'm still not quite sure how he pulled it off. Did he limit himself to a diet of cherries, a la Pac-Man? Or did he opt for the Link diet, which consists entirely of milk? I'm curious.

Pants Party

For those of you who couldn't get enough of General Larry Platt's "Pants on the Ground"--this one's for you. Be sure to check out the remix! It won't be long before we hear General Platt's immortal rhyme "Pants on the ground/Pants on the ground" pulsing out of a every subwoofer in America.

Fish Tale

Australian scientists discover that fish are a little brainier then we thought. And remember that little bit of trivia, that staple of "Did You Know?" e-mails forwarded by coworkers, relatives, and friends, which holds that goldfish have a memory of only three seconds? It's nothing but bunk. The moral is: be careful what you say to your fish. If, for instance, you tell Goldie that you plan to murder your wife for the insurance money...well, it might come back to bite you a few years down the road. Don't expect Goldie to forget something like that.

Bizarre Google Search

In conclusion, a Bizarre Google Search for "earth shattering kaboom":



Man, I can never get xkcd.

Big Bang

Hmmm...does this mean that those Abrams tanks and Harrier jets you sometimes see parked outside of army surplus stores are still usable? I figure I should at least check. If it doesn't work, well, no problem. But if it does...let's just say I know what I'll be driving to work for the next three decades.

Curing the Winter Blues

Increase your production of carbon dioxide, speeding up the rate of global warming and ultimately bringing about the end of winter.

Become one of those freaky goths who loves the dark and cold.

Move to Australia and leave your worthless life here behind.

Buy one of those light therapy lamps; failing that, shine a pen flashlight into your eyes for two hours each morning.

Kill yourself. C’mon, you know you want to.

For Your Health

Hey, you there! You with half a KFC chicken wing wedged between your molars! Ever wonder why you got so gosh-darned fat? Well, the New York Times will tell you: it's because you aren't eating these eleven foods.

To my eternal shame and everlasting flabbiness, I've eaten only one of the eleven: frozen blueberries. I've also dabbled a little in cinnamon, but that came in the form of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which is about as healthy as emphysema.

If you need to get healthy in a hurry, I recommend mixing all eleven ingredients into one super-dish. This magical meal will lower your blood pressure, cure your acne, and make your wife look prettier. What are you waiting for, fatty? Go break out the turmeric and beets and have yourself a Healthapalooza!

Snow Day

A Scottish ski resort shuts down because, and I paraphrase, "there's just too much damn snow." And next, your local beach closes because the water was getting a little too wet.

Pardon the Sarcasm

Oh, now this is just a great idea.

Take It Off!

Until I read this story, I thought "Fleshmob" referred to a new film from George Romero, or possibly to a hard-rock band with a zombie theme. Boy, was I wrong.

Bizarre Google Search

On that note, let's end with a Bizarre Google Search for "angry John McCain":



Why, he doesn't look angry in the slightest!

"I Don't Think Mitt Romney Has a Soul"

...And other juicy bits from Game Change, the newly-released book on Election 08. Other fun facts: John McCain likes to drop the f-bomb. A lot. Against his wife.

Tree-mendous!

Trees on Mars! Trees on Mars! Trees on Mars!

Wait...oh, I just read the story, and the "trees" are nothing but optical illusions. Ah, well. There goes my grand plan to grow Christmas trees on Mars--or, as I planned to call them, ChristMARS trees. They would have been a goldmine, let me tell you.

Hard-to-Keep New Years Resolutions

Kick oxygen once and for all

Give up all foods with a consonant in their names

Really get into the oeuvre of Jack Black

Earn a sponsorship from Pepsi-Cola

Do stuff to fix all those problems

Bizarre Google Search

In honor of the wheel-of-fate conceit behind the Bizarre Google Search, I present to you the results of a search for "where she stops nobody knows":



HAR HAR HAR IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE...actually, I have no idea how any half-sentient being could find this in the least amusing. Sorry.

Unobtainium

I generally try not to mock people who suffer from crippling, near-suicidal depression. That being said...this story is pretty pathetic. People are being driven to depression by their un-fulfillable desire to visit Pandora, the alien world in "Avatar"? Please. It wasn't even that great of a planet. I would much sooner visit Coruscant--heck, I'd even go to Tattooine before Pandora.

It's Vacation Time!

"Honey, go get the kids--we're going on a road trip!"

"What? What's going on, Harold?"

"Haven't you heard, sweetheart? The corpse flower is about to bloom! Seeing something like that is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!"

"A corpse flower? What is it?"

"It's a big, ugly flower that looks like a prop from Star Trek and smells like rotting flesh!"

"Why didn't you say so in the first place? KIDS! WE LEAVE IN FIVE!"

Ding-Dong Ditch

No, no, you've got it all wrong. First ring the door bell, then light the thing on fire--not the other way around.

That's Reassuring

Actual, true-to-life headline: " 'I'm not dead,' says Nigerian president." Imagine the Nigerian opinion polls!

Question 1: Do you think Nigeria is on the right track or the wrong track?
Question 2: Do you approve or disapprove of the job President Yar'Adua is doing?
Question 3: Do you think President Yar'Adua is alive or dead?

Highlights of the Bowl Season

Tom Savage throws for 294 yards in the St. Petersburg Bowl, setting an NCAA record for Yards Thrown By A Guy Named Tom Savage in the St. Petersburg Bowl

Nebraska blanks Arizona 33-0 in the Holiday Bowl after Arizona’s staff, trainers, and entire 85-man roster oversleeps.

After losing the Liberty Bowl, the East Carolina Pirates consequently lose their liberty and are sold as slaves to the victorious Arkansas team.

Florida coach Urban Meyer retires, un-retires, re-retires, takes a leave of absence, resigns, and resumes his position, all in the second quarter of the Sugar Bowl.

Ohio State’s string of bad luck in big games continues, as their apparent 24-17 victory over Oregon in the Rose Bowl is negated when officials discover the game was played on Opposite Day.

El Rushbo

Hey, remember when I said you could make a musical out of anything? Well, I was joking, but it seems the Second City comedy troupe took me at my word. I look forward to the inevitable Glenn Beck! The Musical, with its infectious opening number "YEAAAAAARGGGGHHHHHHH!!!"

DDIY (Don't Do It Yourself)

This explains why my attempts to build a credenza out of empty matchboxes ended in disaster.

Kiss and Tell

Today in the news: a kiss gone wrong temporarily shuts down the Newark Airport. Tomorrow in the news: the TSA installs love detectors alongside the traditional metal detectors. Only passengers who register as a "Cold Fish" will be permitted to board their flight. Anyone measured as a "Casanova" will be detained, while any "Hot Tamales" will be shot on sight.

Stoner

Is Oliver Stone, of Oliver Stone fame, the stupidest person living today? After reading this story, the answer seems clear: no one else comes close.

Child, Please

Interesting little story about the zaniest, wackiest, kuh-raziest wideout in the NFL: Mr. Chad Javon Johnson, known to most and sundry as Chad Ochocinco. I think Senor Ochocinco himself says it best: "I’m just as loony as ever, but I’m running out of ways to get attention." Trust, us, Chad, we're all looking forward to that day with great anticipation.

PS. I'm intrigued by the passing mention of Chad's "Q-Score," a measure of his likability among sports fan. Ochocinco scores a 9; for comparison, Peyton Manning scores a 35, while the average athlete sits at 14. Now I'm curious. Who has the highest Q-Score in the league? The lowest? Off the tip-top of my head, I would say Petyon probably does best, while Terrell Owens likely has the lowest score.

Bonin' Up

It seems they (they, of course, referring to those brilliant men in the white lab coats) have discovered a way of transforming wood into bone. Finally, I can fulfill my dream of having two extra femurs! But hey, why stop there? I could have five more ulnas! Three more clavicles! An extra occipital bone! The opportunities are endless!

You're a Good Man, Barack Obama

There are musicals about cats, and trains, and boy ballerinas, so why not President Barack H. Obama? But it seems that the musical ends when Barack takes the oath of office. Which leads me to wonder...how could one summarize Obama's first year in musical form? A few suggested songs:

Why Don't You (Pay Your Taxes on Time, Tom Daschle?)
Bushwhacking
What We Need is Healthcare Reform
I Am a Very Noble Man
Biden My Time (Feat. Joe Biden)
Crash the Party in the USA

Biker Chick

The Tour de France...epic, exhilarating, and a complete ratings dud on TV. No one watches the damn thing! If people wanted to watch a bunch of scrawny guys sweating through their colorful spandex shirts, they could go down to the local gym and ogle the people on the treadmills.

So how to get people interested in the T-d-F? I think the case of this Oregon woman provides one possibility.

TMI

James Carville+Discussions concerning genitalia=Ick ick ick ick.

Attack of the Killer Spiders

Australians beware! The island continent is in a state of siege, as hundreds of huge, hairy, extremely venomous funnel web spiders invade its cities. Didn't they import cane toads precisely to handle situations like this?

Also note: the linked-to story leads off with a picture of an extremely large, extremely ugly spider. Arachnophobes, you have been warned.

Crash Diet

Here's a story about a senior citizen who 1) is a terrible driver and 2) has a hankering for cheap, hearty breakfasts. Talk about stereotyping!

Getting Shirty

There is "in bad taste."

Then there is "completely tasteless."

And then you have this.

And below that, of course, you have a John Waters film. But I shall not speak of such things.

Twin Cities

This story walks the narrow line between "cute" and "creepy." I think we ought to nuke the town, on the off-chance we might be dealing with a "village of the damned" type situation.

Think You Had a Bad Month?

Tsutomu Yamaguchi recently passed away. Don't know the name? If not, be sure to read his story. To summarize: Mr. Yamaguchi's fame comes from a spectacular case of bad timing. He was visiting Hiroshima on business the day it was nuked. He survived, and after getting bandaged up he returned home...to Nagasaki.

Yeah, you know what happened next. Forget Lou Gehrig. This was the real luckiest man on earth. To live through two A-bombs--and to survive for decades afterward without sprouting wings or flippers--is nothing less than an act of God. Or whoever Mr. Yamaguchi happened to worship.

PS. The article notes that James Cameron is planning to make a film about "nuclear weapons." Oh God. Oh God no.

Awww...

Your daily dose of heartwarming for the day: a lost dachshund had the presence of mind to turn itself in at the local lost-and-found. Note: I said heartwarming, not heartworming. Though I suppose both phrases would apply in this case.

Big Green Men

"When the aliens come, they will eat the fatties first." Seems pretty straightforward to me. So what's the problem? Are people seriously arguing that aliens would NOT eat the fattiest first? Ridiculous.