We survived October. Most of us, at least. But now comes November, the month that separates the men from the boys, the wheat from the chaff, the Beatles from Herman's Hermits. Technically, here came November, given that the month is already one-quarter over. Still, I think November deserves at least a quick look-over before we plunge into its last three weeks.
Before, I mentioned my obsession with ranking the months. November sits very high on my hypothetical list. Ahead of even October, it trails only monthly titans December and May on my list and in my heart. Why, you ask? At least I assume you are asking why. If not, why are even reading this post?
Let's start with the weak points. I admit that, weather-wise, November is nothing special. In fact it is often downright dismal. Cool weather is good, and a welcome change from the summer heat, but November is when the temperature shifts from cool to frigid. One day, you're walking around in a light coat, enjoying a pleasant breeze. The next day you're freezing to death despite wearing an entire sheep-worth of fleece. At the same time, November withholds the only thing that makes cold weather tolerable: snow. I have never seen it snow in November. January, February, even April, but never November.
Put these disadvantages out of your head. November has plenty of high points in spite of its miserable weather. Sports, for instance. November sits right at the confluence of college football, college basketball, the NBA, and the NFL. You can even watch the NHL if you are one of those hockey-loving Canadian freaks. Yeah, baseball is over, but nobody watches it anyway. Such is the dirty secret of America's past-time.
November means good movies. It's the month when the studios begin chucking Oscar chum into theaters in hopes of drawing the sharks of critical acclaim. Wow, that was a god-awful metaphor. Sorry. You know what I mean, though. No more overblown spectacles that spend $100 million to digitally enhance Brad Pitt's abs. Now we get the good stuff. Stuff like..."Megamind?" Ah, well, not every November film can be a winner.
Until now, I've ignored the ten thousand pound turkey in the room. No longer! Thanksgiving elevates November from "pretty good" to "great." Turkey Day is a day without school, without responsibilities, a day to spend listening to "Alice's Restaurant" and watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade with family.
And eating. And more eating. Rather than make a coherent argument, let me list the things that make Thanksgiving special: Turkey. Cranberry sauce. Gravy. Stuffing. Stuffing with sausage. Cornbread. Sweet potatoes. Mashed potatoes. French-fried potatoes. Candied yams. Yam candies. Regular candies. Apple pies, cherry pies, mincemeat pies, boysenberry pies. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin cakes, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin lattes from Starbucks.
I would write more, but I have a sudden and completely inexplicable craving for something with pumpkin. But I hope the point is clear. November: long may she wave.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Five Reasons Why Traveling by Train Beats Flying
You can stick your head out the window and not run the risk of falling 30,000 feet
More time to savor the Jersey scenery
Easier to imagine you're on the way to Hogwarts
Significantly less chance of being killed by a high-flying goose
No mustache-twirling villain ever tied a damsel down in front of an airplane
More time to savor the Jersey scenery
Easier to imagine you're on the way to Hogwarts
Significantly less chance of being killed by a high-flying goose
No mustache-twirling villain ever tied a damsel down in front of an airplane
Friday, November 5, 2010
Look for the Union Label
I've figured it out. Grad school is not like a regular school. It's more like belonging to a union. In regular schools--from kindergarten to college--you learn things from teachers. In grad school, you have to pick up tricks of the trade from your fellow students. There exists a "grad school way of doing things," but nobody tells you what it is. You have to pick it up through experience.
Also, if you blab to the wrong people, you might get your kneecaps bashed in with a tire iron. Just a friendly warning.
Also, if you blab to the wrong people, you might get your kneecaps bashed in with a tire iron. Just a friendly warning.
Talking Turkey
This story contains what could be the quote of the year: "He's got a big turkey in his pants!" No, that's not a euphemism.
Five Biggest Surprises on Election Night
Confounding the polls, Rep. Jim Marshall (D-GA) came from 30 points down to lose by only 20 points
Libertarian congressional nominee Ed McCluskey (CA) gained a whopping three votes outside of his extended family
Sean Duffy won a congressional seat in Wisconsin, despite actually being a candidate for state auditor in Nebraska
After losing the general election, independent candidate Charlie Crist (FL) declared that he would run as a write-in in the post-general election
Chris Matthews broke his long-standing record for longest sustained on-air howl (18 minutes)
Libertarian congressional nominee Ed McCluskey (CA) gained a whopping three votes outside of his extended family
Sean Duffy won a congressional seat in Wisconsin, despite actually being a candidate for state auditor in Nebraska
After losing the general election, independent candidate Charlie Crist (FL) declared that he would run as a write-in in the post-general election
Chris Matthews broke his long-standing record for longest sustained on-air howl (18 minutes)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Ka-Ching
Why did the Fed just pump $600 billion into the economy? If, like me, you find fiscal policy mystifying, this post might put you right. And if you do, in fact, understand fiscal policy, then I've got a call from a Mr. Obama who wants to speak with you.
Looking Ahead
I'm not going to comment on the elections, mostly because they speak for themselves. Specifically, they say "AAAAARGH WE HATE YOU!!!!!" That's fine. America has a long and rich tradition of such elections. FDR was elected in a "we hate you" election back in 1932. Ditto for William McKinley in 1896.
No, what I really want to talk about is 2012. Hey, wait, come back! You're sick of elections, I know. So is everybody not named Chris Matthews. But you got to take a look at this new CNN poll.
What does it tell us? First, it tells us that nominating Sarah Palin would be a disaster for Republicans. She doesn't stand a Blue Devil's chance in Chapel Hill of winning. Obama is at the absolute lowest point in his presidency. His allies just got booted out of Congress. His poll numbers are abysmal. His media supporters have turned on him. And he still leads Palin 52-44. That's no small number.
Second, despite much happy talk by Republicans, Obama seems safe from a primary challenge. 73 percent of Democrats want him renominated. That's probably enough to scare away Russ Feingold, Howard Dean, and any other potential spoiler. Obama will get a primary challenger regardless, but it's likely to be a retired electrician from Wyoming who thinks the CIA has implanted a chip in his head.
Third, the GOP field is open. True, the big four--Palin, Huckabee, Romney, and Gingrich--are the only candidates with double-digit support. But their combined support comes to only 67%. One-third of Republicans pick "none of the above." Also remember that most of this "support" is name recognition, so the "undecided" camp is probably closer to half the GOP electorate.
What does that mean? It means come on in, Tim Pawlenty, the water's fine. The more the merrier, Mitch Daniels. Join the party, Chris Christie. The fun begins now.
No, what I really want to talk about is 2012. Hey, wait, come back! You're sick of elections, I know. So is everybody not named Chris Matthews. But you got to take a look at this new CNN poll.
What does it tell us? First, it tells us that nominating Sarah Palin would be a disaster for Republicans. She doesn't stand a Blue Devil's chance in Chapel Hill of winning. Obama is at the absolute lowest point in his presidency. His allies just got booted out of Congress. His poll numbers are abysmal. His media supporters have turned on him. And he still leads Palin 52-44. That's no small number.
Second, despite much happy talk by Republicans, Obama seems safe from a primary challenge. 73 percent of Democrats want him renominated. That's probably enough to scare away Russ Feingold, Howard Dean, and any other potential spoiler. Obama will get a primary challenger regardless, but it's likely to be a retired electrician from Wyoming who thinks the CIA has implanted a chip in his head.
Third, the GOP field is open. True, the big four--Palin, Huckabee, Romney, and Gingrich--are the only candidates with double-digit support. But their combined support comes to only 67%. One-third of Republicans pick "none of the above." Also remember that most of this "support" is name recognition, so the "undecided" camp is probably closer to half the GOP electorate.
What does that mean? It means come on in, Tim Pawlenty, the water's fine. The more the merrier, Mitch Daniels. Join the party, Chris Christie. The fun begins now.
Over...Rated!
ESPN lists the 10 most overrated NFL players, as chosen by readers. Joe Namath seems a worthy number one. But Tony Romo as the third most overrated football player of all time? Come on, folks. He's overrated, yes, but he's not even the most overrated player right now. That title belongs to Carson Palmer. Only Palmer's terrific football name and grizzled, manly beard are keeping him off the bench.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Monkey Business
Either there is a very weird criminal on the loose in Vermont, or the long-feared primate uprising has begun.
A Reasonable Question
Because someone has to, the BBC asks "How is Keith Richards still alive?" In my opinion, the question is less a scientific than a theological one. He must have made a deal with the devil. There's no other possible explanation.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Mini-Review: Three Kings
First off: yes, despite the name, this film does indeed have four protagonists. This could be one of the most deceptive movie titles in history, trailing only Superbad, which was pretty decent, and Grease, which had nothing to do with ancient Athens.
The three--sorry, four--kings of the title are American soldiers stationed in Iraq during the last days of the Gulf War. Troy Barlow (Mark Wahlberg) is a family man from Detroit; Conrad Vig (Spike Jonze) is a hick without even a high school diploma; Chief Elgin (Ice Cube)works as an airport baggage handler when not in the Army; and Archie Gates (George Clooney) is a smooth-talking media liaison looking forward to retirement.
In the midst of the post-war euphoria, as marines celebrate their victory with drunken fistfights and as Iraqi soldiers surrender by the thousands, Vig and Barlow find a map pointing to a hidden stash of stolen Kuwaiti gold. Where they find the map, I won't say, in order to preserve one of the film's better gags. Let's just say that the map becomes the butt of many other jokes. Oops, I think I gave it away.
Our three--four!--kings load up their humvee and head to Karbala in search of their fortune. It's not the best time to be sightseeing in the Iraqi countryside. Though Saddam's army might have been smashed, the country is still crawling with Iraqi soldiers. Not to mention there's a civil war going on between rebels and Saddamite loyalists. And while our intrepid heroes might have their eyes on the prize, they soon find themselves in the thick of said war.
You might consider this film the evil twin of Saving Private Ryan, which was released a year earlier. The two movies have much in common. Both are unafraid of gore; if you have ever wondered what the inside of a bullet-punctured lung looks like, Three Kings will satisfy your curiosity. And both movies eschew the big picture in favor of the little guy; there are no grand battles, no scenes in the war room, only a bunch of sweaty, dirty men trying not to get shot.
I say "evil" twin, though, because while Saving Private Ryan is patriotic at heart, Three Kings is more interested in puncturing American pretensions. America is the good guy only in the sense that it's better than Saddam. In one scene, for example, the US army does its best to deliver fleeing rebels right into Saddam's hands.
Which leads to one of the most peculiar paradoxes in this film. Believe it or not, but the movie--released in 1999--seems to argue for re-invading Iraq. America is depicted as cowardly for abandoning the country after Desert Storm. It suggests that we invaded only because of Kuwait's oil; once that was secure, we skedaddled.
Flash-forward ten or so years. Now, America is blamed for staying too long, rather than getting out too quick. Now, we stayed, rather than fled, because of the oil. Three Kings is a fine film. I enjoyed it, and I'd recommend it to you. But it will do nothing to disabuse of the notion that, in Hollywood's eyes, everything America does is wrong.
The three--sorry, four--kings of the title are American soldiers stationed in Iraq during the last days of the Gulf War. Troy Barlow (Mark Wahlberg) is a family man from Detroit; Conrad Vig (Spike Jonze) is a hick without even a high school diploma; Chief Elgin (Ice Cube)works as an airport baggage handler when not in the Army; and Archie Gates (George Clooney) is a smooth-talking media liaison looking forward to retirement.
In the midst of the post-war euphoria, as marines celebrate their victory with drunken fistfights and as Iraqi soldiers surrender by the thousands, Vig and Barlow find a map pointing to a hidden stash of stolen Kuwaiti gold. Where they find the map, I won't say, in order to preserve one of the film's better gags. Let's just say that the map becomes the butt of many other jokes. Oops, I think I gave it away.
Our three--four!--kings load up their humvee and head to Karbala in search of their fortune. It's not the best time to be sightseeing in the Iraqi countryside. Though Saddam's army might have been smashed, the country is still crawling with Iraqi soldiers. Not to mention there's a civil war going on between rebels and Saddamite loyalists. And while our intrepid heroes might have their eyes on the prize, they soon find themselves in the thick of said war.
You might consider this film the evil twin of Saving Private Ryan, which was released a year earlier. The two movies have much in common. Both are unafraid of gore; if you have ever wondered what the inside of a bullet-punctured lung looks like, Three Kings will satisfy your curiosity. And both movies eschew the big picture in favor of the little guy; there are no grand battles, no scenes in the war room, only a bunch of sweaty, dirty men trying not to get shot.
I say "evil" twin, though, because while Saving Private Ryan is patriotic at heart, Three Kings is more interested in puncturing American pretensions. America is the good guy only in the sense that it's better than Saddam. In one scene, for example, the US army does its best to deliver fleeing rebels right into Saddam's hands.
Which leads to one of the most peculiar paradoxes in this film. Believe it or not, but the movie--released in 1999--seems to argue for re-invading Iraq. America is depicted as cowardly for abandoning the country after Desert Storm. It suggests that we invaded only because of Kuwait's oil; once that was secure, we skedaddled.
Flash-forward ten or so years. Now, America is blamed for staying too long, rather than getting out too quick. Now, we stayed, rather than fled, because of the oil. Three Kings is a fine film. I enjoyed it, and I'd recommend it to you. But it will do nothing to disabuse of the notion that, in Hollywood's eyes, everything America does is wrong.
The Future Has Made a Phone Call to Today
Breaking new...from the FUTURE!
The scientific, theological, and moral implications of this discovery are beyond my comprehension. But I do know one thing. My theory that Calvin Coolidge was a time-traveling extraterrestrial from the future--long mocked by my classmates--finally has some supporting evidence.
The scientific, theological, and moral implications of this discovery are beyond my comprehension. But I do know one thing. My theory that Calvin Coolidge was a time-traveling extraterrestrial from the future--long mocked by my classmates--finally has some supporting evidence.
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