Bizarre Google Search

Let's do a new twist on an old standby, "the new york review of schnooks":



Music by Billy May? Was that Billy Mays before he made it big?

The Best Around

It's never too late for a "Best of the Decade" retrospective! This one tackles the 20 best books of the 00s. Culture vulture that I am, I've read...two. David Sedaris and J.K. Rowling. Fun, certainly, but not really highbrow. My pointy head cred has fallen to dangerously low levels. Time to go out and buy a couple back issues of The New York Review of Books.

Trouble in Hootin' Holler

But what about Barney Google?

News You Can Use

I feel guilty using up bandwidth to post this story. I must make a sacrifice to appease the Internet Gods. Here, "Sacrifice" means drinking a Mountain Dew and eating a Moon Pie while playing World of WarCraft.

Alien Nation

If there really is life out there, what might it look like? This article makes a couple educated guesses. The likeliest answer? It looks like a shrimp-sized worm-thing, and it scrounges for food near geothermal vents. I don't think they'll make an action figure out of that any time soon.

I Can't Wait for the Movie

I don't know what this comic strip means. But I do know one thing--it's a hell of a lot funnier than "Hi & Lois."

We Are Doomed

I don't want to sound like a crotchety old man, but I think this news story--specifically, the fact that this event merits a story--proves that Western civilization is doomed to join Smell-O-Vision and New Coke on the ash-heap of history.

Phoonk? Phoonk?

An Indian film director is offering $10,000 (roughly 80 trillion rupees) to anyone who sits through his newest horror film, "Phoonk 2." Wait--"Phoonk 2"? How can anything named "Phoonk" be scary? That's like a tough guy named "Algernon." It just doesn't work.

Bizarre Google Search

Say, that's a good idea for a BGS--"fifteen furbold pelts"!



Tempting. Very tempting.

True Love

"Mom, tell us the story about how you and Daddy met!"

"Well, Bumpus, it all began when he asked me to collect fifteen furbolg pelts..."

"Farmer Bill Dies in House"

I don't know which of these absurd headlines I like best. Wait, I actually do--that would be "A-Rod goes deep, Wang hurt." Chien-Ming Wang has the most snigger-inducing sports name since 19th-century baseball player Hans Buttface.

Baller-in-Chief

First Obama goes after the BCS. Now comes this story. Next, I hear Obama will demand a congressional investigation into how Steve Nash managed to win back-to-back MVPs.

To Paraphrase Kurtz, "The Humor...The Humor"

Speaking of disasters...I think Sacha Baron Cohen is a comic genius, but "hosting the Oscars" is not a job for a comic genius. It requires a well-worn, congenial comedian who people know and love. You want somebody safe, like Billy Crystal. There's a reason George Carlin never hosted the Oscars.

Star Wars...Nothing But Star Wars

Dear God! The nerds have become self-aware. They have finally learned of the existence of like-minded nerds. This spells disaster. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Bizarre Google Search

To honor the song I'm currently listening to, let's do a BGS for "now I've got an indication":



If I ever see something like this in my neighborhood, I'm going to shoot first and ask questions never.

Animated Debate

I have seen the future of the news, and it looks frighteningly like a clip from "The Sims." I look forward to the next video, in which Gordon Brown electrocutes himself trying to fix his big-screen television.

Sticky Situation

Imagine if Michelangelo had had sticky tape! Oh, the possibilities!

Best If Used by 2101

I made a lousy teenager--I never rebelled against anything. I didn't ignore my parents, didn't mock my teachers, didn't flout the law with abandon. Looking back, I realize that I wasted my prime "rebellious asshole" years. It's the last time you can get away with things like that.

Time to make up for lost ground. I hereby vow to rebel against society and all its perverted works. And what better way to start than by ignoring those paper fascists some people call expiration dates? Stick it to the man, man!

Fab Five: Other Uses for Your Waffle Iron

Provides a nearly endless source of waffle-related puns

Serves, in a pinch, as the world's worst rice cooker

Makes a great $50 paperweight

Offers a very fast way to warm up your extremities, providing you don't mind grid marks all over your hand

Cooks pancakes that look like waffles, taste like waffles, and are waffles

Words to Live By

A passel of famous writers give their "Ten rules for writing fiction." A few authors try to cheat by giving us less than ten rules. Hey Neil Gaiman, you owe me two rules!

Most of the advice seems sensible. I particularly like this one from David Hare: "Write only when you have something to say." Though I suppose this blog, by its very existence, flagrantly breaks that rule.

Also note these words of wisdom from Michael Moorcock: "ead. Read everything you can lay hands on." Does that mean I have to read "The Da Vinci Code?" If it does, I'd rather go through life illiterate.

Bizarre Google Search

In honor of a recent accomplishment, let's check the BGS for "getting into grad school":



I understand that grad school isn't half as fun as this cartoon makes it out to be.

Pizza Party!

For the first time ever, some kid is going to have nightmares about Chuck E. Cheese's that do not involve that horrible singing rat.

We Bring You Hard-Hitting News

In a battle of car versus owl, the car usually wins. Sometimes, though, the owl can break even. This is one of those times.

Trivial Pursuit: The Movie

I don't know about you, but I would pay money to see Bill Murray in "Pogo Stick: The Movie." Then again, I would probably shell out a few bucks to see Murray in anything, even "Colonoscopy: The Movie."

The Wonders of Technology

Mankind proves--once again--that sex is the sole driving force behind progress.

A Towering Injustice

Please--it's "African-American Head Mountain" now.

Sweet Sweet Sleep

Naps boost your brainpower, eh? Nonsense. My cat spends half the day sleeping, and he's so stupid he can't walk and not-throw-up at the same time.

Re-jec-ted

You know, I've often wondered whether things like this ever happened, but then I thought, "Naw, no one could ever be that cruel."

A Quandary

Italy has just opened its first jail for transsexuals. My question: what would Pat Robertson think of this?

A) He would be furious, because it recognizes transsexuals as a legitimate gender
B) He would be happy, because he thinks all transsexuals belong in jail

Discuss.

Tree Hugger

The crucial line from this story: "he dropped his trousers and underpants, exposed himself and...simulated having sex with a tree." I like their use of the word "simulated"--it seems to imply that, under certain circumstances, the tree might have actually responded to his amorous advances.

Bizarre Google Search

I might as well do this while I'm on a foods that rhyme with Quaffle jag...ladies and gentlemen, a BGS for "the falafel truth"!



That had better be some kind of bib for eating falafel.

It Takes Guts

On a list of "foods that rhyme with Quaffle," I tend to rank offal pretty low, usually putting it somewhere beneath waffle and falafel and slightly ahead of Kartoffel. After reading this story, though, perhaps I ought to rethink my anti-thymus and pancreas prejudice.

It seems wrong to eat parts of another animal's digestive system, though. It's all a little too meta. Maybe that explains why I can't stomach stomach.

C-H-I-L-I

Come on, man. This sort of thing might fly in a hard-to-spell state like Kyrgyzstan or Liechtenstein or even Suriname. But Chile? You might as well screw up the spelling of the USSR.

Where's Jim Plunkett?

Over at Fox Sports (or FoxSports, as they prefer to be known), the jovially stupid Jason Whitlock ranks his 10 greatest quarterbacks of all time.

So not only is John Elway the greatest quarterback OF ALL TIME--he's also the greatest football player OF ALL TIME? I might believe it, if Jason didn't try to prove his point by comparing Elway to Vince Young. Imagine if I argued that the Beatles were the greatest band of all time "because they sound just like the Arctic Monkeys."

No. No. That is not the way the world works. And if it ever does work like that, I will take a very long walk off a very short pier. Over lava. Filled with sharks. Lava sharks.

Frontrunner for Dumbest Man in the World

Isn't it great when you find out someone you always hated is, in fact, entirely deserving of that hate? Yes, I am talking about John Mayer.

Frisbeetarianism

Walter Frederick Morrison, inventor of the Frisbee, has passed away at the age of 90. Following services, his body will be thrown onto the roof and left there for at least half a year.

Bizarre Google Search

Bizarre Google Search is not all fun and games. It serves an educational purpose, too. Today, our lesson is about music. Ever heard of The Zombies? If not, you're missing out on one of the best bands of the British Invasion, trailing only Freddie and the Dreamers. Today's BGS honors one of their best songs, the classic pop-psychedelic hit "She's Not There":



Ever heard of Vanilla Fudge? If not...you're really not missing that much. Imagine if somebody took all your favorite songs and re-recorded them with a 60s garage band playing at the bottom of a vat of molasses. It's a weird metaphor, granted, but I think it accurately sums up the "Vanilla Fudge sound."

It's A Pretty Obscure Fire Hydrant, You've Probably Never Been There

If you add the word "hipster" to anything, it makes it worse, right? Movies are good. Hipster movies are bad. Hangouts are good. Hipster hangouts are terrible. Jeans are good. Hipster jeans are a crime against humanity.

For years, mankind has searched for an exception to this immutable rule. And at long last, we have found it: hipster puppies.

Will Makes a Cheap Joke at the Expense of Law Enforcement

Headline: "Thief Robs Arcade With Cup of Coffee." The police arrived too late, as they had stopped to grab a dozen donuts for dunking in said coffee.

The Big Game

There are only one or two sports pundits I actually take time to read. One of them is Gregg Easterbrook, ESPN's resident football analyst/cheerleader enthusiast/economist/philosopher/renaissance man. His take on the Super Bowl should not be missed.

Read on the find, among other tidibts, 1) the winner of the Non-Quarterback Non-Running Back MVP and 2) the worst play of the season. I definitely agree with his choice for the second one.

Medicine, Old Testament Style

Next, we'll learn that gold reduces cholesterol and that myrrh is a good treatment for hemorrhoids.

Bizarre Google Search

Time to celebrate a Saints Super Bowl with a BGS for "who is that who says they are going to beat those Saints":



Must be a Colts fan.

The Immortals

Via the NYT, A fascinating excerpt from a fascinating-sounding book: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.

Yum Yum

If you can't follow the Atkins diet, how about this one? It's guaranteed to feel you leaving full. Or possibly dead.

Not-So-Fine Fifteen

Because I'm always in the mood for good, clean, old-fashioned hate, here's a list of 15 video games that really sucked. What? Are you expecting something more? Geez, there's just no pleasing you people.

Bizarre Google Search

To commemorate the end of my LAST MOCK TRIAL TOURNAMENT EVER, let's do a BGS for..."last mock trial tournament ever":



Yeah, I remember seeing that one in theaters. Kind of overrated.

Tigerbeat

One cow+Five tigers=Recipe for instant awesome. Except for the cow, I suppose.

The Score is Bork to Q

Name the ten best fictional sports from science fiction and fantasy films--GO! OK, pencils down. What did you end up with? Anybody get Quidditch? Yes? How about The Arena, Blernsball, or Thunderome? If not, it's back to Remedial Sci-Fi for you slackers!

Partyman

The Cardinal Rules of Advertising Your Party on Facebook
1. Never advertise your party on Facebook
2. Especially if you're this kid
3. And unfortunately, it is no longer funny to label your get-together as an "erotic party." Sorry.

Speaking of Cannabis...

Marijuana meatballs, anyone?

What Would Jesus Smoke?

Here's the newest religion on the block: the THC Ministry, a church for those who indulge in the ritual sacrament of smoking marijuana. Instead of communion wafers, they just hand out big bags of M&Ms and Funyuns. It's great.

Bizarre Google Search

The hour grows late...hey, that's a great idea for a BGS! Behold, "the hour grows late":



I feel ya, buddy.

Demon...Sheep?

This is the strangest sheep-related political ad since Judge Ennis Q. Peabody accused his opponent in the Kabbikuck County Commission's race of committing unnatural acts with a sheep.

Ve Germans Are Not All Sunshine And Smiles

Heck, how could this go wrong?

The Naughty Bits

Save Dave? Eh, why not. The usual suspects for saving--children, whales, and the environment--are already covered.

Bizarre Google Search

The reasons for this BGS, "a rushed and sloppy job," should be pretty clear:



No, I don't get it either.

BS

Cracked lists the six professions that are the most full of...um, given that this is a family website, let's just say "bull puckey."

But it's not just their opinion! They have statistics to back it up. Specifically, they have statistics to prove that when it comes to picking the outcome of sporting events, you're better off trusting a coin flip then, say, Peter King.

Bizarre Google Search

Let me gesture to Groundhog Day with a BGS for "here comes the sun":



Nice Ray-Bans there, Mr. Sun.

Fab Five: Groundhog Day

Make sure to light a candle at church to honor Saint Groundhog

Don’t give in to those secular godless liberals and their war on Groundhog Day

Watch “Groundhog Day”; this cannot be emphasized enough

Always keep plenty of gravy on hand to baste the roast hog

Watch “Groundhog Day”; this cannot be emphasized enough

Bill Watterson Lives!

Now that J.D. Salinger is gone, Bill Watterson has become America's #2 famous recluse, trailing only Thomas Pynchon. But he seems to have a pretty poor grasp of what the job entails. What kind of recluse would go and conduct on online interview--with Cleveland.com, no less?

Amazingly, it seems free from the bitterness that marked his last days as a cartoonist. Not once does he rail against fat cat syndicates and sellout cartoonists. It's a miracle! No word, though, on whether he's actually hand-drawing a Calvin & Hobbes feature film. I wish, I wish that rumor were true.

Man vs. Chicken

At the moment, the chicken seems to be winning that fight. This does not bode well for the state of California.

To Quote The Dude...

Nice marmot, Alaska.

Fab Five: Highlights from the Pro Bowl

Julius Peppers is flagged for roughing the passer after shooting an angry glare at quarterback Aaron Rodgers

The fan brought on the field at halftime for a game of punt-pass-kick stays for the second half and makes 2 catches for 18 yards

An errant Donovan McNabb pass is picked off and returned for a free Raspberry-Peach Blizzard at the Miami Smoothie Shack

Frank Gore incurs a 5-yard penalty for trying

The AFC once again proves its superiority to the NFC in games where nobody gives a crap

No, George, No!

Remember what happened the last time you tried to make a musical? Need I remind you of the horror that was The Star Wars Christmas Special?

Tough Love

Via Big Hollywood, the "Top Five Underrated Movie Tough Guys." I'm not really qualified to judge, but I think Lee Marvin's performance in The Dirty Dozen alone qualifies him for the list.

Of course, an underrated list always needs an overrated list for balance. So which actors least deserve their tough-guy image? I nominate Jean-Claude Van Damme (just too goofy), Keanu Reeves (too feminine-looking), and Harrison Ford (great actor, but there's a difference between being a tough guy and being a rebel).

That's Not Sand

The beach--what's not to love? The gentle sound of the ocean waves...the sharp smell of salt in the air...the bags chock-full of cocaine washing up in the surf...

The Breast Idea Ever

I read this story a few days ago and assumed it was a joke. Matter of fact, I still think it's a joke, just in a very different sense of the word.

Bizarre Google Search

It's been a long time coming, but it was inevitable. Enjoy a BGS for "the legendary fulton sheen":



Where's Dolly? And Jeffy? And Barfy? And Ida Know?

Fab Five: Dealing with the Snow

Stock up on milk and bread; nothing sustains you through a long winter like a steady diet of frozen milk sandwiches

Get lots of socks; can never have too many socks

Buy lots of batteries; if you ever find yourself snowed in, drinking battery acid is a quick and fairly painless way to commit suicide

If you must drive in wintry conditions, take the proper precautions; strap a snowblower to the front of your car to clear a path

Get your shoveling out of the way early; try to finish it before the snow even begins to fall

Outfoxing the Swiss

Behold, the Roman army knife: you can use it on the battlefield, fighting the Visigoths; relaxing at the local public bath/orgy house; or just while knocking around the vomitorium.

Tecmo Bowl

Headline: "How Videogames Trained a Generation of Athletes\." Barry Bonds wasn't juiced up on steroids--he was using cheat codes!

Double Jeopardy

Oh, TSA! Don't ever change!