Monday, December 8, 2008
You Sly Dog
Next time you assure your dog that's he's a good boy, oh yes he is, oh yes he is--make sure your other dog is out of earshot. He might not take it so well.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Where's New Coke?
The NY Post takes on the rather lofty goal of cataloging "History's 10 Biggest Disappointments." Now that's a toughie. As a history major, I feel confident in telling you that history is one disappointment after another. And then you die--painfully, usually skewered on something.
I can't really quibble with the Post's picks--the Segway, Star War: The Phantom Menace, William Henry Harrison--both because they seem pretty reasonable and because I hate the word quibble. If "quibble" were a person, I'd do my best to beat the ever-loving hell out of him.
I can add a few of my own:
Ryan Leaf--And sadly, he's the best thing to come out of Washington State University.
Smell-O-Vision--You know what I wish? I wish Smell-O-Vision had lasted a little longer, so that it could be used in shows like "Bones" and "CSI." Or, best of all, "Cold Case." Nothing quite like the smell of somebody who's been crammed inside a crawlspace since the Fillmore administration!
The Vietnam War--Sure, everybody said it was going to be World War III, but it turned out to be not much more than Korea II.
King Kong--I've made claymation movies in my backyard that were better than this bloat-a-thon. And I don't call it a bloat-a-thon because Peter Jackson and Jack Black were prominently involved (zing!) I never thought I'd say this, but "My God! How many dinosaurs can one giant gorilla fight?"
Slinky--Yeah, it was pretty succesful. But it could have been more succesful.
I can't really quibble with the Post's picks--the Segway, Star War: The Phantom Menace, William Henry Harrison--both because they seem pretty reasonable and because I hate the word quibble. If "quibble" were a person, I'd do my best to beat the ever-loving hell out of him.
I can add a few of my own:
Ryan Leaf--And sadly, he's the best thing to come out of Washington State University.
Smell-O-Vision--You know what I wish? I wish Smell-O-Vision had lasted a little longer, so that it could be used in shows like "Bones" and "CSI." Or, best of all, "Cold Case." Nothing quite like the smell of somebody who's been crammed inside a crawlspace since the Fillmore administration!
The Vietnam War--Sure, everybody said it was going to be World War III, but it turned out to be not much more than Korea II.
King Kong--I've made claymation movies in my backyard that were better than this bloat-a-thon. And I don't call it a bloat-a-thon because Peter Jackson and Jack Black were prominently involved (zing!) I never thought I'd say this, but "My God! How many dinosaurs can one giant gorilla fight?"
Slinky--Yeah, it was pretty succesful. But it could have been more succesful.
Panic in Detroit
"Why banks get bailouts and automakers get stern lectures." Please explain, Mr. Mark Gimeln.
Who's really at fault, however, doesn't matter all that much, because for both laissez-faire Republicans and liberal Democrats, the financial crisis presents a rare opportunity to rebuild the most iconic exemplars of American industry in the way they hoped for all along. For the free marketeers of the right, it's a chance to extol the benefits of the strong medicine of bankruptcy. For the newly empowered liberals of the Democratic Party, it's a chance to put environmental consciousness in the center of industrial policy.
Again, I think it's an issue of opacity. The average person--and the average congressperson--doesn't know exactly what the banks do. Citigroup's in trouble? Toss them a couple billion and they'll shut up. AIG needs a bailout? Here, take them this check, and they can go back to doing...that thing they do.
Pity the poor automobile companies. Everyone knows exactly what they do. They build cars. Everyone knows what a car is. And everybody has their own ideas on how to build one. Politicians who kept their mouths shut during the Wall Street bailout, worried their ignorance would show, have suddenly become experts in the field of car manufacturing.
So Detroit takes a beating, while Wall Street execs take their billions, tip their hats, and head home to do...whatever they do. Detroit is going to have to twist in the wind a bit more while the politicians argue about how to make the perfect hybrid.
Who's really at fault, however, doesn't matter all that much, because for both laissez-faire Republicans and liberal Democrats, the financial crisis presents a rare opportunity to rebuild the most iconic exemplars of American industry in the way they hoped for all along. For the free marketeers of the right, it's a chance to extol the benefits of the strong medicine of bankruptcy. For the newly empowered liberals of the Democratic Party, it's a chance to put environmental consciousness in the center of industrial policy.
Again, I think it's an issue of opacity. The average person--and the average congressperson--doesn't know exactly what the banks do. Citigroup's in trouble? Toss them a couple billion and they'll shut up. AIG needs a bailout? Here, take them this check, and they can go back to doing...that thing they do.
Pity the poor automobile companies. Everyone knows exactly what they do. They build cars. Everyone knows what a car is. And everybody has their own ideas on how to build one. Politicians who kept their mouths shut during the Wall Street bailout, worried their ignorance would show, have suddenly become experts in the field of car manufacturing.
So Detroit takes a beating, while Wall Street execs take their billions, tip their hats, and head home to do...whatever they do. Detroit is going to have to twist in the wind a bit more while the politicians argue about how to make the perfect hybrid.
The A-Word
Did abortion doom John McCain and the GOP in 2008? No, says Ross Douthat, and he's got the facts--or at least, the theory--to prove it. Despite what Kathleen Parker might say, the pro-life, "oogedy-boogedy" faction of the GOP isn't what's holding the party back.
Unfortunately, Douthat's solution to the current impasse on abortion is about as feasible as a ski resort in the Sahara. Writes Douthat:
No such compromise is possible so long as Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey remain on the books. These decisions are monuments to pro-choice absolutism, and for pro-lifers to accept them means accepting that no serious legal restrictions on abortion will ever be possible — no matter what the polls say, and no matter how many hearts and minds pro-lifers change.
But that's not going to happen. The pro-choice movement has transmogrified Roe from an ordinary case into a "super-duper precedent." Overturning Roe has become the liberal boogeyman; it's just a plot by those nasty, slimy social conservatives to keep women barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen.
That doesn't mean the pro-life movement shouldn't try. I'm just saying it's not going to be easy. In fact, it's damn near impossible. And I leave you with that cheery thought.
Unfortunately, Douthat's solution to the current impasse on abortion is about as feasible as a ski resort in the Sahara. Writes Douthat:
No such compromise is possible so long as Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey remain on the books. These decisions are monuments to pro-choice absolutism, and for pro-lifers to accept them means accepting that no serious legal restrictions on abortion will ever be possible — no matter what the polls say, and no matter how many hearts and minds pro-lifers change.
But that's not going to happen. The pro-choice movement has transmogrified Roe from an ordinary case into a "super-duper precedent." Overturning Roe has become the liberal boogeyman; it's just a plot by those nasty, slimy social conservatives to keep women barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen.
That doesn't mean the pro-life movement shouldn't try. I'm just saying it's not going to be easy. In fact, it's damn near impossible. And I leave you with that cheery thought.
Do the Time Warp
Hi, everyone, and welcome to the 1930s! Obama might as well take up smoking, start wearing a top hat, and call himself FDR. I'm especially looking forward to the return of the CCC and the WPA, not to mention the TVA.
But it's a smart move on Obama's part. It gives some tangibility to all this talk about multi-billion dollar stimulus packages. People can't see lower interest rates or increased deficiet spending. They have to take the government's word that it's doing something to help.
But rebuilding schools? Improving hospitals? That's something everybody can understand, something that's easy to see. It bolsters people's faith in the government. Obama wants to take the stigma away from the line, "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help."
But it's a smart move on Obama's part. It gives some tangibility to all this talk about multi-billion dollar stimulus packages. People can't see lower interest rates or increased deficiet spending. They have to take the government's word that it's doing something to help.
But rebuilding schools? Improving hospitals? That's something everybody can understand, something that's easy to see. It bolsters people's faith in the government. Obama wants to take the stigma away from the line, "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help."
Madness Madness Madness
Fittingly, this crazy election season was capped by the most ludicrous result of all: a Vietnamese-American Republican businessman defeats a Democratic incumbent (!) in New Orleans (!!) in a majority black district (!!!!!!!!) If you had predicted that just a few weeks ago, I have some friends in Las Vegas who are very interesting in talking to you.
Is this the start of a new trend? Are the Democrats losing their control over minority-majority districts? Are African-Americans starting to move towards the GOP?
Uh, no. Bill Jefferson lost because 1) he was massively corrupt and 2) the turnout was unbelievably low. While I don't want to rain on Joseph Cao's victory parade, I advise him to enjoy his incredible victory while he can. He is the very definition of a one-termer.
If Cao is re-elected in 2010, I will go out, buy the nicest hat I can find, and eat it. You can hold me to that.
Is this the start of a new trend? Are the Democrats losing their control over minority-majority districts? Are African-Americans starting to move towards the GOP?
Uh, no. Bill Jefferson lost because 1) he was massively corrupt and 2) the turnout was unbelievably low. While I don't want to rain on Joseph Cao's victory parade, I advise him to enjoy his incredible victory while he can. He is the very definition of a one-termer.
If Cao is re-elected in 2010, I will go out, buy the nicest hat I can find, and eat it. You can hold me to that.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Fat of the Land
Man, everybody is knocking morbid obesity nowadays. They make a few good points, sure. Yes, morbid obesity does lead to heart disease, multiple organ failure, and occasional cases of premature dying. But consider the pluses:
1. If you're ever frozen to the sidewalk, your layers of blubber will allow you to survive the frigid Wisconsin night
2. Uhhhh...
OK, I need to think a little bit more. But seriously. There has to be some kind of advantage to be had from being morbidly obese. Why else would there be so many fat, fat, fat people out there?
1. If you're ever frozen to the sidewalk, your layers of blubber will allow you to survive the frigid Wisconsin night
2. Uhhhh...
OK, I need to think a little bit more. But seriously. There has to be some kind of advantage to be had from being morbidly obese. Why else would there be so many fat, fat, fat people out there?
One Hell of a Housewarming Party
Hey, just my luck. For the past couple weeks I've been searching for a place to stay next semester. And now I learn there's a place available for cheap--a steal, practically.
It's got everything you could want in a house. A couple bathrooms, plenty of floor space, central heating, and an observation deck on the 86th floor. It sure beats the ol' dorm room!
It's got everything you could want in a house. A couple bathrooms, plenty of floor space, central heating, and an observation deck on the 86th floor. It sure beats the ol' dorm room!
Mac the Knifed
Reason 3,502 never to visit a karaoke bar. And no, it's not because someone might sing 'Total Eclipse of the Heart."
Sing Out!
It's always good to see that I'm not the world's only list fetishist. The staff of Rolling Stone magazine, having apparently given up on the modern music scene, turned their journalistic energies towards making a list of the 100 greatest singers OF ALL TIME.
I always get a little leery when something is billed as a list of the ALL TIME GREATS. What if there was some Neanderthal who could've sung the pants off of Freddie Mercury? Or a 15th century Florentine who made Elvis sound like Mark E. Smith?
But I digress. Take a look at the list, and be prepared to scoff at some of their choices. For instance: Kurt Cobain as the 45th greatest singer OF ALL TIME? Scoff! Scoff! He had emotion, true. He also sounded like he gargled with Drano.
And Lou Reed at 62? Hey, I respect Lou Reed. He was a brilliant songwriter, a charismatic frontman, and a visionary musician. Note that nowhere did I say "a good singer." Or "a decent singer." Or even "a singer who didn't sound like he was about to nod off and clonk his head on the microphone."
On the flip side: poor Joe Cocker gets pushed back to 97? Sure, Cocker sang like he was choking on a hot dog. But it was a melodic choking, damn it!
Anyway, read and form your own opinions. And feel secure that your opinions are almost certainly better than those of Rolling Stone magazine.
I always get a little leery when something is billed as a list of the ALL TIME GREATS. What if there was some Neanderthal who could've sung the pants off of Freddie Mercury? Or a 15th century Florentine who made Elvis sound like Mark E. Smith?
But I digress. Take a look at the list, and be prepared to scoff at some of their choices. For instance: Kurt Cobain as the 45th greatest singer OF ALL TIME? Scoff! Scoff! He had emotion, true. He also sounded like he gargled with Drano.
And Lou Reed at 62? Hey, I respect Lou Reed. He was a brilliant songwriter, a charismatic frontman, and a visionary musician. Note that nowhere did I say "a good singer." Or "a decent singer." Or even "a singer who didn't sound like he was about to nod off and clonk his head on the microphone."
On the flip side: poor Joe Cocker gets pushed back to 97? Sure, Cocker sang like he was choking on a hot dog. But it was a melodic choking, damn it!
Anyway, read and form your own opinions. And feel secure that your opinions are almost certainly better than those of Rolling Stone magazine.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The Brat Brigade
Looks like the fabled Teutonic war machine is getting a little...flabby, shall we say? Yes, we shall say that.
I'm disappointed that the Germans have chosen to egregiously violate accepted racial stereotypes. Guys, you're supposed to be frighteningly fit. It's the Italians who are supposed to be lazy.
I'm disappointed that the Germans have chosen to egregiously violate accepted racial stereotypes. Guys, you're supposed to be frighteningly fit. It's the Italians who are supposed to be lazy.
Golden Numskulls
Stewart Mandel wonders why Notre Dame has decided to give football coach and Frank Caliendo impersonation-to-be Charlie Weis another year. His answer? The Fighting Irish have decided to lower their standards. A lot. A whoooooole lot.
Let me take off my "blogger hat" for a moment and put on my "pompous football pundit who knows next to nothing about the sport." Retaining Charlie Weis isn't a case of standards being lowered. It's a case of standards being bound, gagged, dragged out behind the prison, and shot point-blank in the back of the head.
Let me offer you a peep inside the Charlie Weis playbook.
OFFENSE
Default Play: Brady Quinn long pass to Jeff what's-his-face
IF Jeff what's-his-face is covered--
1) Get sacked
2) Throw interception
3) Get sacked after throwing an interception
IF Brady Quinn has graduated--
1) Lose game
2) Sorry, no other options available
DEFENSE
Are we playing USC?
IF Yes--
1) Forget it. Just forget it.
IF No--
1) Yeah, I'm still not feeling it.
SPECIAL TEAMS
Default Play: Screw up any way you possibly can.
You see? How can the Irish expect to win any more than a quarter of a game every season with this guy? As somebody who roots for the Irish--out of religious compulsion, I should add--I'm extremely disappointed. Touchdown Jesus is crying right now.
Let me take off my "blogger hat" for a moment and put on my "pompous football pundit who knows next to nothing about the sport." Retaining Charlie Weis isn't a case of standards being lowered. It's a case of standards being bound, gagged, dragged out behind the prison, and shot point-blank in the back of the head.
Let me offer you a peep inside the Charlie Weis playbook.
OFFENSE
Default Play: Brady Quinn long pass to Jeff what's-his-face
IF Jeff what's-his-face is covered--
1) Get sacked
2) Throw interception
3) Get sacked after throwing an interception
IF Brady Quinn has graduated--
1) Lose game
2) Sorry, no other options available
DEFENSE
Are we playing USC?
IF Yes--
1) Forget it. Just forget it.
IF No--
1) Yeah, I'm still not feeling it.
SPECIAL TEAMS
Default Play: Screw up any way you possibly can.
You see? How can the Irish expect to win any more than a quarter of a game every season with this guy? As somebody who roots for the Irish--out of religious compulsion, I should add--I'm extremely disappointed. Touchdown Jesus is crying right now.
The Continuing War of Man vs. Nature
It's a small victory, but every little bit counts: we have managed to exterminate Canada's white lemuroid possum. True, the white lemuroid possum never did anything to us. But he had the bad luck to get caught in the crossfire just as the war was heating up.
To paraphrase Winston Churchill, "This isn't the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It is not even the end of the beginning. It is not even the end of the beginning of the end of the beginning. But, perhaps, it is an end to the beginning of what ended when we began the beginning of an end to the beginning end of the end of the beginning."
To paraphrase Winston Churchill, "This isn't the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It is not even the end of the beginning. It is not even the end of the beginning of the end of the beginning. But, perhaps, it is an end to the beginning of what ended when we began the beginning of an end to the beginning end of the end of the beginning."
Zat You, Santa Claus?
All together now!
Up on the housetop reindeer fall
Out flops poor old Santa Claus
He's in pain, it's clear to see
Because he's now an amputee
In a similar vein:
You'd better not scream, you'd better not cry
You'd better not sob when he rolls on by
Santa Claus is rolling to town!
Santa Claus is rolling to town!
Santa Claus is rolling...to town!
Could I have made this post any more tasteless? I think not. Not even your worst dead-baby joke could make it more cringe-worthy.
Up on the housetop reindeer fall
Out flops poor old Santa Claus
He's in pain, it's clear to see
Because he's now an amputee
In a similar vein:
You'd better not scream, you'd better not cry
You'd better not sob when he rolls on by
Santa Claus is rolling to town!
Santa Claus is rolling to town!
Santa Claus is rolling...to town!
Could I have made this post any more tasteless? I think not. Not even your worst dead-baby joke could make it more cringe-worthy.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Drunky McDrunkerson, Part Deux
"Well, officer, I might have been swerving all over the road, running red lights, and driving the wrong way down a one-way street...on the sidewalk. But I'm not drunk, I swear! I haven't touched a drop all...well, maybe that's a poor choice of words."
Side note: apparently "drink driving" is the British equivalent of "drunk driving." Does that apply to all other forms of the word "drunk," then? And does it work in reverse? Does a Cockney go out for a quick drunk and get drink?
Side note: apparently "drink driving" is the British equivalent of "drunk driving." Does that apply to all other forms of the word "drunk," then? And does it work in reverse? Does a Cockney go out for a quick drunk and get drink?
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