The Quiz Bowl Draft

Mark Jones: Welcome to the fifth annual Quiz Bowl Draft! I’m here with Stuart Scott at the IHOP off of I-95, site of the previous four drafts. Quite a crowd we’ve got here today, eh, Stu?

Stuart Scott: Absolutely, Mark. The Quiz Bowl fans are out in force—must be at least three, maybe more. Also, Mark, I should note that I am now contractually obligated to end every sentence with booyah, so: booyah!

Jones: And my condolences about your wife, Stu.

Scott: Thanks, Mark. She was a lovely woman. Such a bitter tragedy, for so wonderful a person to die so young. Booyah!

Jones: Before the draft begins, let’s bring in analyst Jay Bilas for his take on this year’s draft. Jay?

Jay Bilas: Thanks, Mark. This year’s class is almost as long in talent as they are short in personal hygiene. I was just back in the green room, and let me tell you, the place smelled like a hog rendering plant.

Jones: Jay, what are the needs of the New York Neutrinos, the team with the number one pick?

Bilas: They need someone who knows a lot of trivia.

Scott: And how about the number two team, the Detroit Volts?

Bilas: They need someone who knows a lot of trivia.

Scott: And the Miami Sea Slugs?

Bilas: Either a polished big man with a lethal post-up game and a strong perimeter shot, or someone who knows a lot of trivia.

Jones: And here comes the Quiz Bowl League Commissioner, Gary Bettman, who handles the QBL during the NHL off-season. And the on-season too, I should mention.

Gary Bettman: Welcome to the fifth annual Quiz Bowl Draft. Let’s get this the hell over with, so we can pretend it never happened. With the first pick of the Quiz Bowl Draft, the New York Neutrinos select Alan Coney.

Jones: Very safe pick there. Here comes Coney, and, my, he sure is a big fella. What would you say, Stu—250 pounds?

Scott: 275, at the very least.

Jones: Oh, my. I’ve never seen a draftee eat their jersey before. Jay, what can you tell us about Coney?

Bilas: He’s a very old school player. And by that I mean he is an old player who goes to school. He’s twenty-five, I think, and spent the last several years living in his mom’s basement. But don’t overlook his skills. This guy boasts incredible hopitude, immense bouncebackability, tremendous bonusosity, and stupendous stupendorousness.

Jones: Coney has already worked out a starting contract with the Neutrinos: $500 or a lifetime supply of Cheetos, whichever costs more.

Scott: From the looks of him, I’d say the Cheetos.

(They chuckle)

Bettman: With the second pick, the Detroit Volts select James Tobin-Smith. No, don’t shake my hand. I just washed it.

Jones: This one’s a bit of a risk for Detroit. As a sophomore, Tobin-Smith suffered a season-ending injury to his buzzer hand while playing an intense game of Guitar Hero. That cost him a whole year. Since then, he’s struggled to live up to his promise, but nobody denies that he has potential. Let’s go to Erin Andrews for an interview with the newest member of the Volts.

Andrews: James, how does it feel for society to finally validate your pathetic and meaningless existence?

Tobin-Smith: Hngghh…you’re a girl (Sniggers)

Jones: For more on Tobin-Smith, let’s go to the one, the only, Dick Vitale.

DICKIE V: A REAL PTPER MAALOX MASHER DIAPER DANDY TRIFECTA TRIFECTA PTPER BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYBBBBBBB-

(He is abruptly cut off)

Jones: (softly) Sweet Jesus.

Scott: Mark, can I say one thing about this pick? Booyah.

Bettman: The Miami Sea Slugs have traded the number three pick to the Texas Instruments in exchange for two packs of “Magic: The Gathering” cards and a half-used gift certificate to Taco Bell. With the third pick, the Texas Instruments select Adrian Nathanson.

Jones: Nathanson, known to most college fans by his nickname “The Retainer.” Jay—what’s the word on Adrian?

Bilas: His college career was a little underwhelming, but he tested great at the combine. He powered 15 of 20 toss-ups, correctly identified 8 of 10 oblique Star Wars references, and knew the lyrics of just about every Weird Al song you can imagine. A real workout warrior, this guy.

Scott: He’s going to have his change his jersey in the QBL, though. The Instruments already have someone wearing number 1 1 2 3 5 8 13.

Jones: Now let’s go to Erin Andrews, to spare us further footage of Jay’s freakishly elongated face.

Andrews: Adrian, how do feel about critics who say you’re a fatty, fatty two-by-four who can’t fit through the kitchen door?

Nathanson: I…I…I…(starts gasping and grabs for inhaler)

Scott: Truly sad. Booyah.

Bettman: With the fourth pick, the Los Angeles Clippers select Mike Mullaley. This is the first pick for the Clippers since their move to the QBL from the NBA.

Jones: Owner Donald Sterling hoping for more luck in Quiz Bowl than he had in basketball. I have to say—who would’ve seen that whole Blake Griffin decapitation thing coming? Not me.

Scott: Mullaley’s an interesting choice. He spent two years playing in the XQBL before it folded last September. He picked up a reputation as a dirty player—the kind of guy who can dish out wedgies as well as take them.

Bettman: Mike is not here today. He said he had a date with his girlfriend. Our scouts indicate that he’s at home right now, playing BioShock and drinking Mountain Dew.

Jones: We covered Mullaley’s training regimen last week on ESPN270. Apparently, he starts every day with a six pack of Mountain Dew, before washing that down with another six pack of Tab.

Scott: Let’s see if Dickie V can shed some light on this pick.

DICKIE V: -BBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

(He is abruptly cut off)

Jones: (softly) Merciful God in heaven.

Bettman: With the fifth pick, the Portland Epic Failblazers select Christopher DeChellis. I need a drink.

Scott: The Epic Failblazers had a rather disappointing season last year. They almost made the playoffs, but forfeited their last couple games after their rivals, the Chicago Red Bulls, shoved the entire team into a locker and left them there.

Jones: And here comes DeChellis now. Uh-oh. Bad sign. His shirt doesn’t have any food stains on it. Bilas, what can you say about DeChellis?

Bilas: He had some character issues in college. Apparently, he’s a well-adjusted human being, enjoys going to parties, and has a life outside of Quiz Bowl. You can see why he makes coaches so nervous.

Jones: DeChellis, of course, is best remembered for that epic 200 point, 8 power performance in the Big Dance last March.

Scott: Ironically, that was the only dance most of these players have ever been to.

Bettman: With the sixth pick, the Toronto Compsognathi select—sweet! My time’s up! Kiss my Canuck-loving ass goodbye, you dweebs. I’m off to the lab to tend to my hideous Ovechkin-Crosby mutant hybrid.

Jones: While we wait for Assistant Commissioner Isiah Thomas to show up and complete his community service hours, let’s recap. Jay?

Bilas: All right, Mark. First, Jim Carrey takes a day off from work and decides to go to the beach. On the train there he meets Kate Winslet, who has blue hair and looks really hot. They get romantically involved, but then Kate has her memory of Joel—that’s Jim Carrey—erased, and so…

Scott: I hate to interrupt, Jay, but that doesn’t sound like the draft.

Bilas: No, I’m recapping “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” I saw it on AMC last night and thought it was really, really good.

Jones: But we’re at the Quiz Bowl Draft!

Bilas: Yeah, but this draft is hella boring.

(Pause)

Scott: Point taken. Continue.

Bilas: So then Frodo shows up…