Nicey-Nice

There are many things I don't understand. String theory. Ventriloquists. Laundry machines. The list goes on and on, and can be found in its entirety on my other blog, http://thingsthatwillschultzdoesntunderstand.blogspot.com.

But there's one thing that really puzzles me. Why are sports columnists so nice? Sure, you get the occasional crab apple like Jason Whitlock or Bill Simmons. But most wouldn't criticize a player, a coach, or even a whole team, even if said team stomped on a bag full of orphan puppies.

Yes, they will occasionally go after the easy targets. Everyone wants to read another column about how T.O is a distraction or how Donald Sterling is a dope. We get it. People like Owens and Sterlings are the clown princes of the sport, and they deserve every bit of mockery they get.

But rarely, if ever, will a columnist criticize a serious player. Ask a sportswriter if so-and-so's washed up, and they'll respond by saying, "Oh no, he's got another two or three good years in him," even if he's rolling out onto the field in a wheelchair. Ask them if so-and-so is a bust, and they'll say, "Oh no, he needs a little more time," even if so-and-so has yet to learn the fundamentals of holding a bat with both hands.

This extends to newbies as well as veterans. In fact, it especially applies to newbies, new players as well as new coaches. Read any ESPN or SI story about a newly hired coach. It's always about how they're a "perfect fit," and that they've "changed the atmosphere." Never mind that they go 1-81 in their first season.

Sportswriters are special softies when it comes to the draft. Nobody wants to be the idiot who mocked a future superstar as a "bust." So they play it safe. Chad Ford, in his recent review of the NBA Draft, gave 27 out of 30 teams an A or a B. 27 out of 30! 90% of teams drafted either "excellent" or "above average"! And this in a draft year when the Charlotte Bobcats seriously considered taking me with their pick!

Things didn't work out between me and Charlotte, unfortunately. Larry Brown and I have two different approaches to the game. Under his approach, players play basketball. Under mine, I sit back on the couch and collect million dollar checks every weekend.

Anyway...I simply don't understand it. Why can't sportswriters grow a pair, to speak vulgarly? It'd do them good. And it'd make them more popular. Guys, the only reason you exist is to create controversy. Everyone knows Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer, Kobe and LeBron the greatest basketball players, and Tom Brady the greatest quarterback. We don't need Jack McCallum or Ric Bucher to tell us that.

Stir things up! Tell us why Chris Andersen is the greatest man to ever palm a basketball. Explain exactly how the Bengals are going to shock us all and win the Super Bowl. Tear down some myths--even LeBron isn't perfect. Be iconoclastic! Be exciting! Above all, be mean.