Do You Like Scary Movies?

A perfectly decent list of the "Top 20 Movie Monsters." I haven't seen enough monster movies to compile my own top twenty--I tend to shriek and cover my eyes at anything scarier than Marlon Brando--but I can make a couple criticisms of my own. That's my specialty, really; tearing down other people's ideas.

First, I approve of number one. In terms of pure scariosity, the Xenomorph has no peer. One Xenomorph has the same fright factor as a million of them; more so, even. "Aliens" might have been the better movie, but "Alien" was scarier.

Second, does Bruce, the Great White from Jaws, really count as a monster? To quote many an internet nerd, "That's debatable." I think anything that can be found in nature doesn't count as a monster. A monster needs a touch of the supernatural. You can't take a normal, everyday thing, blow it up by a factor of 10, and call it a monster. Otherwise I would have long since sold my script for "The Hazelnut from Hell."

Third, I have no idea who or what the Giant Claw is, but I want to see that movie so bad. The thing looks like an acid dream of Mr. Rogers. The name is the crowning absurdity. Giant Claw! So simple, yet so poetic.

Fourth, no matter how scary the titular thing of "The Thing" was, it can't compare to Wilford Brimley. And if you're not the scariest thing in your own movie--especially a movie named after you--you can't make the list.

Fifth, oh my God, the Pale Man.

Sixth, the Sarlaac is quite good, but it got a lot less frightening in the late 90s digital recasting. The original Sarlaac was ominous; a big, spiky pit in the ground. Who knows what lurks down there? Well, George Lucas, never one to overvalue the magic of the unknown, gave us the answer. And it look like a giant fanged phallus. Terrifying, but not in a good way.

Seventh, that's really all, but I wanted to stretch the list out a little longer. It's either that or go back to reading "A Bright Shining Lie." It's a good book, certainly. But reading any book about Vietnam for a sustained period of time will depress you beyond measure. I just want to go listen to some Doors tapes and dream about my girl in Saigon.