My Fantasy Football Team

STARTERS

QB: Johnny Unitas—A better quarterback dead than any man alive.

RB: Usain Bolt—I value speed in running backs more than anything else, above even qualities like “durability” and “being a football player.”

RB: LenDale White—Did you know that White averaged 7.3 yards a carry last year, an NFL record? If you did know that, it’s pretty amazing, considering I made it up just now.

WR: Hines Ward—True, his statistics might not be all that impressive, but he’s a key chemistry guy and…wait, statistics are the only thing that matter in Fantasy Football? Oh, crap.

WR: Josh Hamilton—Like Bolt, is not exactly a football player, but his statistics are too impressive to pass up

RB/WR: Darren McFadden—Let’s see if McFadden can live up to his college nickname, “Mr. Will Score 20 Rushing Touchdowns in His Rookie Season”

Defense: Randy Moss—I’ve always felt that the best defense is a good offense, and there’s no better offensive player than Randy Moss.

Kicker: “But when he got home, he found they’d already eaten the whole pig! Ain’t that a kicker?”

BENCH

Jared Lorenzen—During his time with the New York Giants, Lorenzen has shown he has all the characteristics of a Hall of Fame benchwarmer

Adrian Peterson—People said I was insane for keeping Peterson on the bench. I would reply that they’re all aliens in disguise, probably controlled by the CIA.

Alex Smith—Though Smith probably won’t be throwing any passes at all this year, at least that means he won’t be throwing any interceptions either.

Chad Javon Ocho Cinco Cucharacha O’Malley Rodriguez Johnson—Because I couldn’t resist.