Bizarro Bowls

I have come up with what might just be the best idea in all of human history. Fine, fine, maybe it’s just the best idea in my history. At the very least, it’s the best idea I’ve ever had since I invented s’more brownies (the result: I threw up after eating them).

In the world of college football, there are three kinds of teams. The first are the ones that regularly play in bowl games. Of course, you’ve got your elites, your cream of the cream, schools like USC and Ohio State and Florida. Then there are the schools who might not be appearing in the national championship game anytime soon, but who probably will be playing in the Holiday Bowl or the Armed Forces Bowl or the Ty-D-Bowl Bowl or what have you. What have you, I ask?

The next step down on the ladder is the consistent mediocrities. These are the guys who are mediocre…consistently so, in fact. Sure, they might get a sniff at a bowl game now and then. But mostly they’re content to play their twelve-game season and then pack up their ball and go home, hopefully to await the start of basketball season—or at the very least the start of ragweed season.

But then there’s a third group: the scrappy losers. Well, they’re not always scrappy, but they are always losers. These are the guys who treat a 2-10 season like they just won the Super Bowl, the World Series, and People Magazine’s Sexiest Team Alive. You know the teams—the ones with names like Florida International, Utah State, and Northwest Gopher Prairie State Tech High Vocational Valley University, Inc. Their running backs have all the grace and agility of Marlon Brando after a heavy meal. Their quarterbacks have all the pinpoint accuracy of Stevie Wonder with a shotgun. Their coaches toggle between two modes: “head in hands” and “throwing headset in rage.”

These guys are bad, sure, but they’re entertainingly bad. And I, for one—and possibly even for two and three—think they deserve better then the raw deal they currently have. After the season is over, they shouldn’t be consigned to the slag heap of mediocrity. They’re more than mediocre. They’re exceptional, albeit in the way William Shatner’s singing career was exceptional.

Which brings me to my idea. What if we put together five or six bowl games pitting the worst teams against each other? Your team becomes Bizarro Bowl eligible if you finish the season 1-11 or worse (0-12, -1-13, so on and so forth). Then, late in December, you and some other comically hapless squad face off in a game guaranteed to have more turnovers than touchdowns.

But Will, you ask, How on earth would these bowls be funded? Here’s the beauty of it. You know how the current bowls are sponsored by big corporations like Tostitos? Well, these Bizarro Bowls would be sponsored by disreputable corporations, businesses like Bear Sterns and Enron. I’m not sure yet whether they would 1) Do this voluntarily, in hopes of rehabilitating their image or 2) Do this on government orders, as part of their punishment. I mean, what could be worse than having your name attached to a game between North Idaho State and East Idaho State?

So that’s my idea. If you need to reach me anytime soon, send me an e-mail, because my cellphone will probably be tied up with calls from BCS officials offering me a skerjillion dollars for the rights to this idea. And don’t worry—if you’re hard up for cash, I won’t be afraid to toss a couple bajillion your way once I get mega-rich.