There Once Was a Man from Kandahar...

If you're into poetry, and if you're into mass terrorism, have I got news for you! You can now access Osama bin Laden's poems (yes, there are such things) through Yale's library system. Here's a quick sampler:

There once was a dude named Osama
Who the US decided to bomb-a
But though they pursued
He still did elude
DOWN WITH THE DECADENT WEST!

QuikPrediction (TM)

Obama will have McCain on the ropes early in the debate, but McCain's patented "Filibuster Chokehold" should be enough to bring down Obama in the fifth round. All bets are off, though, if the VPs are allowed to tag-team.

Jet Set

Hey, check this out: a man just flew across the English Channel using--are you ready for this?--a single-propelled-jet-wing. Or, in somewhat sexier terms, a jetpack.

Sadly, I don't think these are going to be readily available anytime soon. I wonder, though. If jetpacks ever become widely available, are we going to see a whole new "jetpack culture" that'll imitate the "car culture" of a few decades ago?

By this, I mean: will we have jetpack-in theater? Jetpack-in diners? Will young toughs soup up their jetpacks and go drag-racing in the stratosphere? And will anyone ever write the definitive jetpack song? Will there ever be a "Little Deuce Coupe" for Generation Jetpack?

Ticket to Ride

How, I ask, do you manage to rack up $2,000,000 in traffic fines? By going 5,000 miles per hour in a school zone? By driving with a blood alcohol content of 50%? By double-parking next to the president's limo?

Bizarre Google Search XXIV

In honor of the Billy Joel song I'm listening to right now, let's finish the night with a Bizarre Google Search for "give you a heart attack-ack-ack":


Agh! Kill it! KILL IT!

A How Not-To Guide

If--like me--you occasionally feel overwhelmed by all those "100 Things You Must Do Before You Die!" lists--"100 Albums You Must Listen To!" "100 Foods You Must Try!" "100 Radical Ideologies You Must Ascribe Too!"--here's a list that'll come as a relief.

Behold: "10 Books Not To Read Before You Die." It's too late for me, I'm afraid--I've already read "Pride and Prejudice" and "The Lord of the Rings." Wait, does that mean I can't die now? I think it might, but I'm afraid to try.

I Made My Boat Disappear!

Attention, all readers thinking of buying me gifts in the future: I'd really love the newly-released book "Casting Might-Have-Beens." Among film buffs (or, more truthfully, film nerds) like myself, there's plenty of stories about famous performances that almost weren't.

What if, for instance, the role of Don Vito Corleon had gone to Ernest Borgnine instead of Marlon Brando? Or what if instead of Harrison Ford as Han Solo, we got John Travolta? Or--maybe my favorite--if Macauly Culkin had been cast as Jack in "Titanic"?

Snoop Scoop

Ever wanted to go to New York City and overhear the bizarre conversations of complete strangers? Well, maybe you haven't. I grant it's not a normal wish. I don't usually wake up in the morning with that kind of craving.

BUT--after visiting Overheard in New York, you just might find yourself waking up and thinking, "Boy, I wonder what stupid things were said in New York today?" The answer: plenty.

Evolution in Action

What to make of this story about a Chinese duck with the feet of a chicken? I'm not sure whether it hurts or help the case of people who argue for intelligent design.

Con: If this designer is so damn intelligent that he can create the entire world and cosmos and everything with a snap of his fingers, why can't he attach the right limbs to a Chinese waterfowl?

Pro: The very existence of a duck with chicken feet indicates that there is an intelligent designer who just really enjoys messing with us. "I know! I'll make a duck--that's part chicken! That'll really blow their minds!"

Museums Not Worth Visiting

American Museum of Alternate History—Be sure to catch the newest exhibits, “The Dole Presidency” and “The Legacy of the Great Franco-American War of 1950”

Gnuseum—Contains everything you could ever want to know about gnus; last year, set an attendance record with six unique visitors

The H.P. Lovecraft Museum—The ticket-man’s skin sloughed off in the rough ecstasy of demonic birth, revealing underneath a hideous skin pleated with squamos plates and eyes lit by some netherworld fires flickering in the midst of a fever dream!

American Pessimists’ Museum—Not very popular, as it’s always half empty

Now Museum, Now You Don’t—A museum dedicated to that uniquely American art form known as the pun; has been burned down five times

Museum of American Perfectionism—Still closed for remodeling, as it has been for the past two decades

American Optimists’ Museum—An always-popular attraction that always seems to be half full

Mooseum—Like the Gnuseum, only 1) About moose and 2) Actually, 1) was the only difference

The Earl Caldwell Museum—Owned by, operated by, and entirely about Mr. Earl James Caldwell of 1254 Oak Tree Lane, Bristol, CT

Museum of Military Recruitment—Though the museum’s exhibits have drawn rave reviews, many consider the admission price of seven years service in the US military to be a little too high

Pop Quiz

The country song "Moose-Shootin' Mama" was written about what candidate for national office?

A) John McCain
B) Barack Obama
C) Joe Biden
D) Sarah Plain
E) Lyndon LaRouche
F) All of the Above
G) None of the Above
H) Some of the Above
I) One of the Above
J) K)
K) J)
L) Ralph Nader

Bizarre Google Search XXIII

In honor of my fearless equationizing in that last post, I present to you the Bizarre Google Search for "pushing the envelope":


I gotta get me one of those!

Pacino+DeNiro=?

About 22%, according to Rotten Tomatoes. For those of you not inclined towards the mathematical arts, that's about 11% per superstar. So if, for instance, the producers had opened up their wallets enough to buy the services of Gene Hackman and Dustin Hoffman, they could have boosted their rating to a much more respectable 44%.

When would you hit the point of diminishing returns? When would too many superstars spoil the broth, so to speak? I postulate that when you put more than five internationally acclaimed actors into a film, you will create a unstable disequilibrium that will tear the entire movie apart. I call this "Schultz's First Law of Movies."

To put it mathematically:

If X is the number of superstars, and U(X) is the utility derived from said superstars, then OH GOD WHY AM I DOING MATH AT 11:30 ON A THURSDAY NIGHT

1-800-SEXYDEM

My only question: will this help or hurt the Democrats going into November? On the one hand, sex sells. On the other hand, the one thing sex can't sell is politicians. Remember those John Kerry pinup calendars from 2004? Or those cheesecake pictures of Bob Dole way back in 2006? So do I, unfortunately.

Trumpmentum

Now that Donald Trump has endorsed John McCain, how can the maverick senator be stopped? The statistics don't lie: 100% of presidential candidates endorsed by Donald Trump have gone on to win the White House.

However, though the statistics might not lie, I do. And I was lying when I made up those statistics. The actual number is a little further from 100% and a little closer to 0%.

Poor Little Rich Dog

This story is almost enough to make me start wearing a Che t-shirt. It's fine if you love your dog, lady. But tell me, does any dog--Lassie excepted, of course--deserve this sort of luxury treatment? There's nothing at all in the whole world upon which that money could be better spent?

Bizarre Google Search XXII

But so you don't go away mad, I'll placate you with a Bizarre Google Search for "a beautiful parting gesture":

Well, it's certainly a "parting gesture." I'll give them points for literalism.

Short Shrift

Isn't it great to meet new, freakish people? The world's shortest man was just introduced to the woman with the world's longest legs.

I assume that after the meeting was over, both went their own separate ways, to do whatever one does when one is either two feet tall or has legs that are four feet long. But...what if?

They could form a comedy duo, for example. A Burns and Allen for the new millennium! I assume most of their jokes would be about how one is really tall and the other is really short. Not that there's any problem with that. I mean, didn't John Candy build a career around being really, really fat?

Or, even better, they could form a crime-fighting super-duo! The woman could kick bad guys really, really hard! The short guy could...uh...tie evil-doers' shoe laces together! And for the coup de grace, the woman could kick the little guy like a soccer ball, and he'd go flying through the air and KO the supervillain by smacking into his face!

I can see it now! Oh man, I really can see it now. It looks like I'm starting to hallucinate. Well, you know what that means: time for bed!

Happy Decacentamegalaversary!

German scientists have discovered the world's oldest ant, which clocks in at an outstanding 120 million years of age. That's older than Bob Dole! In honor of this ant-tastic discovery (har, har), let's take a look at some other things that happened 120 million years ago:

-Keith Jackson called the first Rose Bowl game, played between UCLA and Pangaea State

-The original release date for Spore was set

-Someone made the first joke about Bob Dole being very old

-TIME Magazine named the Oviraptor its "Dinosaur of the Year"

-It probably rained somewhere

Satan's Apprentice

I've never been a huge fan of Mickey Mouse, though it's hard for me to say exactly why. Perhaps it was his squeaky voice--he sounds like an adenoidal midget who got kicked in the groin right after taking a deep sniff of helium.

Or maybe it was the fact that he never took his gloves off. What was he hiding under there? Tattoos--prison tattoos, maybe? A really bad case of psoriasis? The fact that he was missing one or more of his fingers?

Most likely it was his personality, which I found bland and stringy, not unlike zucchini. Donald was manic, Goofy was goofy, but Mickey was...I can't think of an adjective boring enough to finish this sentence.

But despite all of this, let me just say that even I think calling Mickey "one of Satan's soldiers" is just a tad over the line.

Oh, Florida!

When the most logical line in a story is "Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog," you know you've got a special something on your hands.

Headless of State

Headline from iafrica.com: "Mbeki to Be Axed?"

Other headline from iafrica.com: "Mbeki's Head to Roll?"

You'd think one would follow the other, really.

Holy ****, Batman!

And the grimification of comic books continues. The word "grimifaction" can mean both "to make grimmer" and "to make grimier," both of which apply in this case.

I ask you: where will it all end? Sure, now they're just pushing the envelope when it comes to language. But what about when the violence starts becoming violent-er and violent-er? It's only a matter of time before they release an issue where Batman graphically eviscerates the Joker, pulls out his viscera, and glowers at the reader. FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

Suuuuuuure

A female former Olympian insists that bikinis are the best possible sportswear for beach volleyball. All around the globe, men nod vigorously in agreement.

Oh, I Say!

TODAY'S SCHEDULE FOR BRITISH CONSERVATIVE PARTY CONVENTION

9 AM: Breakfast--Crumpets with Jam

10 AM: Tribute to Margaret Thatcher

11 AM: Tribute to Every Other Tory Leader Since Margaret Thatcher

11:05 AM: Break for Tea

12:30 PM: Lecture--Will the Bowler Hat Ever Make a Comeback?

1:45 PM: Lecture--Why do Kids These Wear Their Pants so Bloody Low?

2 PM: Break for Tea

3:45 PM: Lecture--Is the Future Overrated?

4:30 PM: Remembering the British Casualty of the Falklands War

5 PM: Break for Tea

5:30 PM: Break for Tea During Tea Break

7:00 PM: Visit Local Lap Dancing Club

Peace! Bread! Mushrooms!

If the Russian Revolution didn't happen like this, I'd still like to think it did. Death to the capitalist autocrat Bowser, whose clawed hand has throttled the working man for too long!

Warning: Graphic mushroom-related violence.

Backup Warning: Yes, that other warning was entirely serious.

Umbrella-Ella-Ella-Ella

It's time for "Choose Your Own Adventure"!

You're a wealthy fashion restaurateur living in Manhattan. One day, a friend of yours who happens to be a supermodel stops and asks to borrow an umbrella. You freely lend her your very best, top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art umbrella. Unfortunately, when she gives it back you find it's been broken in half. WHAT DO YOU DO?

If you choose to take the loss quietly and uncomplainingly, go back to your normal life and think nothing more of it.

If you choose to angrily sue your friend for $1,000,000...well, good luck with that.

Fear For Your Lives!

These fishermen were fools to spare the life of this giant-clawed lobster! We had a chance to wipe out the King of the Lobsters, but we failed. Do those fishermen really think this will save them when the lobsters invade? If they do, they're sadly mistaken. They'll be the first ones dragged beneath the waves, where they'll be sold as slaves to the highest lobster bidder. They're doomed! DOOOOOMED!

That You, Osama?

Here's a fundamental equation that this man seems to have forgotten:

Dressing up as Osama bin Laden+doing it right before the anniversary of 9/11+being in Afghanistan=losing your job.

It's pretty simple. Memorize it, people! There's going to be a pop quiz on Tuesday!

My Fantasy Football Team

STARTERS

QB: Johnny Unitas—A better quarterback dead than any man alive.

RB: Usain Bolt—I value speed in running backs more than anything else, above even qualities like “durability” and “being a football player.”

RB: LenDale White—Did you know that White averaged 7.3 yards a carry last year, an NFL record? If you did know that, it’s pretty amazing, considering I made it up just now.

WR: Hines Ward—True, his statistics might not be all that impressive, but he’s a key chemistry guy and…wait, statistics are the only thing that matter in Fantasy Football? Oh, crap.

WR: Josh Hamilton—Like Bolt, is not exactly a football player, but his statistics are too impressive to pass up

RB/WR: Darren McFadden—Let’s see if McFadden can live up to his college nickname, “Mr. Will Score 20 Rushing Touchdowns in His Rookie Season”

Defense: Randy Moss—I’ve always felt that the best defense is a good offense, and there’s no better offensive player than Randy Moss.

Kicker: “But when he got home, he found they’d already eaten the whole pig! Ain’t that a kicker?”

BENCH

Jared Lorenzen—During his time with the New York Giants, Lorenzen has shown he has all the characteristics of a Hall of Fame benchwarmer

Adrian Peterson—People said I was insane for keeping Peterson on the bench. I would reply that they’re all aliens in disguise, probably controlled by the CIA.

Alex Smith—Though Smith probably won’t be throwing any passes at all this year, at least that means he won’t be throwing any interceptions either.

Chad Javon Ocho Cinco Cucharacha O’Malley Rodriguez Johnson—Because I couldn’t resist.

License and Registration, Officer?

We can learn two important lessons from this story:

1) If you're ever impersonating a police officer, you probably shouldn't pull over a real police officer.

2) You probably shouldn't impersonate a police officer at all, really. It never turns out well.

Bizarro Bowls

I have come up with what might just be the best idea in all of human history. Fine, fine, maybe it’s just the best idea in my history. At the very least, it’s the best idea I’ve ever had since I invented s’more brownies (the result: I threw up after eating them).

In the world of college football, there are three kinds of teams. The first are the ones that regularly play in bowl games. Of course, you’ve got your elites, your cream of the cream, schools like USC and Ohio State and Florida. Then there are the schools who might not be appearing in the national championship game anytime soon, but who probably will be playing in the Holiday Bowl or the Armed Forces Bowl or the Ty-D-Bowl Bowl or what have you. What have you, I ask?

The next step down on the ladder is the consistent mediocrities. These are the guys who are mediocre…consistently so, in fact. Sure, they might get a sniff at a bowl game now and then. But mostly they’re content to play their twelve-game season and then pack up their ball and go home, hopefully to await the start of basketball season—or at the very least the start of ragweed season.

But then there’s a third group: the scrappy losers. Well, they’re not always scrappy, but they are always losers. These are the guys who treat a 2-10 season like they just won the Super Bowl, the World Series, and People Magazine’s Sexiest Team Alive. You know the teams—the ones with names like Florida International, Utah State, and Northwest Gopher Prairie State Tech High Vocational Valley University, Inc. Their running backs have all the grace and agility of Marlon Brando after a heavy meal. Their quarterbacks have all the pinpoint accuracy of Stevie Wonder with a shotgun. Their coaches toggle between two modes: “head in hands” and “throwing headset in rage.”

These guys are bad, sure, but they’re entertainingly bad. And I, for one—and possibly even for two and three—think they deserve better then the raw deal they currently have. After the season is over, they shouldn’t be consigned to the slag heap of mediocrity. They’re more than mediocre. They’re exceptional, albeit in the way William Shatner’s singing career was exceptional.

Which brings me to my idea. What if we put together five or six bowl games pitting the worst teams against each other? Your team becomes Bizarro Bowl eligible if you finish the season 1-11 or worse (0-12, -1-13, so on and so forth). Then, late in December, you and some other comically hapless squad face off in a game guaranteed to have more turnovers than touchdowns.

But Will, you ask, How on earth would these bowls be funded? Here’s the beauty of it. You know how the current bowls are sponsored by big corporations like Tostitos? Well, these Bizarro Bowls would be sponsored by disreputable corporations, businesses like Bear Sterns and Enron. I’m not sure yet whether they would 1) Do this voluntarily, in hopes of rehabilitating their image or 2) Do this on government orders, as part of their punishment. I mean, what could be worse than having your name attached to a game between North Idaho State and East Idaho State?

So that’s my idea. If you need to reach me anytime soon, send me an e-mail, because my cellphone will probably be tied up with calls from BCS officials offering me a skerjillion dollars for the rights to this idea. And don’t worry—if you’re hard up for cash, I won’t be afraid to toss a couple bajillion your way once I get mega-rich.

???

Ten points to whoever can decipher this Australian headline:

"Dob in an aggro driver: push to go national"

It sounds like something a drunken Cockney would say after stumbling out of a bar and three in the morning and tripping over another drunken Cockney passed out on the steps:

"Cor! Dob in an aggro driver, mate!"

Or maybe somebody named Dob--Lou Dobbs? James Dobson? Dobby?--hijacked some kind of agricultural machinery and is threatening to take it on a cross-country rampage.

Great Excuses Throughout History

1600: The Devil made me do it!

1800: My ancestry made me do it!

1950: My upbringing made me do it!

1980: Twinkies made me do it!

2000: My genes made me do it!

2008: Global warming made me do it!

So...if the threat of global warming justifies vandalizing a coal power plant, does the threat of the worldwide obesity epidemic justify me stealing from McDonald's? After all, every fry I eat is one that won't one go to padding the butts of some 600-pounder. It's worth a shot, I suppose.

A Bum's Life

After reading this story, I've made up my mind. Forget college! I'm going to be a Beverly Hills bum. Let's take a look at some of the advantages:

-"There are handouts of $2,000 and bottles of Dom Perignon"
Well, it's a step up from peppermint schnapps, that's for sure.

-"Lucky finds of Gucci shoes and diamond-encrusted bracelets"
PLEASE HELP. NEED NEW PAIR OF GUCCI SHOES. CURRENT PAIR HALF A SIZE TOO SMALL. ALSO SIX MONTHS OUT OF STYLE. GOD BLESS.

-"A chance to rub shoulders with rich and famous locals such as Mark Wahlberg and Master P"
And really, isn't it every bum's dream to meet Master P? Well, that, and to find a warm place to sleep and some likker.

I just love the idea of some upper-crust bum snobs who look down on the workaday bums in L.A. and Oakland. I think there's potential for a great movie here, or at the very least a mildly amusing sitcom.

"Coming soon on NBC, it's...Bum Deal, with Patrick Warburton as Aloysius P. Bumley!"

I Prefer the Kerry Variety

Hey, kids! Tired of boring old Ego waffles for breakfast? Why not have the audacity to change to Obama Waffles? Obama waffles are part of a politically balanced breakfast, as long as they're served with a side of McCain Hash Browns.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam

Is your name a spam magnet (or, as we like to say in the biz, a spamnet)? Turns out that if you have a common first name like John or Bob or whatever, you're more likely to be the target of spammers. Another risk factor is whether your e-mail address begins with a common letter of the alphabet, so God help you if your address is ejohnbob@whatever.com

This is one of the reasons I had to change my birth name, which was John Feelsinadequateabouthismanhoodandcouldusetenextrainches. You wouldn't believe the kind of spam I had to put up with.

Dead Air

A man is suing American Airlines for misplacing his wife's body. Somehow, I don't think he'll be mollified by American's offer of free peanuts for the rest of his life.

Crisis of Confidence

Is John McCain in danger of losing the crucial John McCain vote?

Confession Time

"Bless me, father, for I have sinned."

"Confess your sins to me, my son, and you will be forgiven."

"Well, for the past five years I've been dealing drugs. I've sold marijuana, cocaine, heroin...you name it, I've sold it. Sometimes to children. Sometimes to pets."

"...So, are you changing your ways or what? Because I could really use some good help."

Coming Soon from Marvel

ROBBER #1: All right, everybody freeze! This is a stick-up!

ROBBER #2: Now, unfreeze so you can put all your valuables in this here bag!

INNOCENT CITIZEN: Oh, won't somebody please help us?

ROBBER #1: Ow! Hey, Robber #2, you feel that?

ROBBER #2: Ooh, geez, my scalp must be on fire!

ROBBER #1: Ouch! Ow! Aieee!

INNOCENT CITIZEN: Thank heavens! It's Super Louse, come to save the day!

If I Only Had a Brain

Ha! Suck on this one, vegetarians! Scientists--and scientists from Oxford, no less--have discovered that vegetarians are more likely to suffer from "brain shrinkage."

So what if I eat so many hot dogs and sausages that my heart has swollen to the size of a Christmas ham? At least my brain's still intakt! Or however you spell that!

I guess there is a plus, though. In the event of a zombie invasion, vegetarians will be protected on account of having small, stringy brains. Life is full of trade-offs, I suppose.

BIzarre Google Search XX

To properly honor my triumphant return, let's do a Bizarre Google Search for "triumphant return":

Yes, I have indeed returned from space...the final frontier.

The New York Post, Ladies and Gentlemen!

I haven't even read the story, but I couldn't pass up a headline like this:

"TWO SUITS VS. JAILED PERVERT"

Coming next: "GODZILLA VS. JAILED PERVERT"

"ALIEN VS. PREDATOR VS. JAILED PERVERT"

"KRAMER VS. JAILED PERVERT"

The possibilities are endless!

Fun with Music

So, of all the many, many songs to top the Billboard chart in the past 50 years, any guesses as to which the most popular of them all?

No, it's not "Hey Jude."

It's not "American Pie."

Heck, it's not even "Macarena."

Still need a hint? OK: the answer will make you weep for humanity.

Perhaps I exaggerate a little. But I am glad to see my rock-snob prejudices backed up by cold, hard data.

PORN101

"All right, class, settle down. Now that I've handed out your assignments, you can all get to work. Talk amongst yourselves and don't be afraid to ask each other questions if you get stuck. I'm just going to be checking out a few things online and...what? What are you all staring at?"

It's the End of the World as We Knew It

...And damn, we we're feelin' fine! In honor of the recently activated and non-world-destroying Large Hadron Collider, I give you this fascinating list of 30 times the world was supposed to end but stuck around anyway.

My personal favorite is this one from 1584:

Having made close study of the kabbalah, theTurkish rabbi Sabbatai Zevi predicted that the Messiah would make a miraculous return in 1648, and that his name would be Sabbatai Zevi.

Wow! What are the odds of that?

I'm Baaaack!

Prolonged and unexplained absence? What prolonged and unexplained absence? There never was any prolonged and unexplained absence!

Time to pick up right where I left off: making lame jokes about weird news stories. And for weird, you can't beat this story from the good old UK. A woman sentenced to jail for fraud has claimed that she was driven to crime by...wait for it, wait for it...voodoo!

She adds that a voodoo curse "caused the fingers belonging to one of her six children to fall off." Heck, lady, that's only one finger out of sixty. You've got 59 perfectly decent fingers, and you're bellyaching about one little pinkie?

From "Barry Zelf's Guide for Beginning Burglars"

Perhaps the most underrated element of any smooth criminal operation is a hiding place. When the cops are on your trail, you need to be able to find a good place to lay low for a while into the heat's off.

Pretty much any place can serve as a good hiding spot...you can hide yourself in a park, under a bridge, in an attic (preferably the attic of somebody you know, but it's not required), in the back seat of a car, in a big hole in the ground, under a rock, inside a giant fish...wherever.

There's one place, though, you never, ever want to go. And whenever you might be tempted to go there, just remember this story and remind yourself: that coulda been me.

Nom de Crime

It might not be in the same league as Machine Gun Kelly, Pretty Boy Floyd, or even the Wet Bandits, but "The Bling Bandit" isn't a half-bad nickname for a criminal.

If I could pick a criminal nickname for myself, I would go for "Stole Billions of Dollars and Never Got Caught" Schultz. That, or "Wet Willie."

A Terminal Case?

"I've got some bad news, Mr. Akhtary. According to these tests, you only have six months less to live. And even worse, those six months ended six months ago."

Toilet Tourism

Apparently, the bathroom where Larry Craig was arrested for having a wide stance has become a popular spot for tourists to visit. It's only a matter of time before somebody opens up a gift shop and a visitor center in the other stalls. And, of course, there'll have to be a uniformed park ranger to tell visitors some interesting trivia about Larry Craig National Park.

You know, now that I think about it, I can't think of any other places in Minneapolis that have more claim to fame than this bathroom. That says more about Minneapolis then it does about the bathroom.

Next Up is MySpace: The Movie

From p. 27 of the screenplay for Aaron Sorkin's new film about Facebook:

MARK ZUCKERBURG: I've done it! At long last, I've done it!

MARK'S FRIEND: What are you talking about, Zuck?

MARK: I've created the perfect social networking site! Look, you can meet your friends...edit your profile...you can even post photos you've taken. It's going to kick MySpace's ass up and down cyberspace!

MARK'S FRIEND: Hmm...looks pretty good. I think it's missing something, though.

MARK: What? What on earth could I possibly have left out?

MARK'S FRIEND: How about an absurd, pointless function that morons will use to irritate everyone they come in contact with?

MARK: One step ahead of you, Mark's Friend! Behold: the "poke"!

MARK'S FRIEND: (Gasping) Why, it's the most beautiful think I've ever seen!

MARK: Ha ha, yes, soon non-idiotic people will be wishing they never heard the word poke! And now, Zuckerbergbook is finally complete!

Gaze into the Crystal Ball

A small town in Vermont--of course, it's always Vermont--has just lifted their longstanding ban on fortune telling. Says one of the long-suffering town psychics:

"When the ordinance was lifted, I actually felt a large weight lifting from my shoulders,"

But wait! If she really was clairvoyant, wouldn't she have known that the ban was going to be lifted? So why would she have reason to feel relived?

Wow, it's almost enough to make me think fortune-telling is a bunch of crap. Still, though, I'm going to keep my eyes open for that tall, dark stranger that Madame Zerbelda said was out to get me. I don't want to take any chances.