Spin Cycle

PRESS RELEASE FROM THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF JUNK FOOD MANUFACTURERS

We're pleased to announce that a recent British study found a plethora of benefits to be gained from eating junk food.

The study discovered that children who eat a steady diet of junk food--specifically, those who get their recommended daily allowance of burgers, pizza, and fries--are less likely to be picked on at school. Researchers found that kids who don't get these essential nutrients are unable to socialize effectively; instead, they waste their time on pointless trivia, like reading.

Kids on a regular junk food diet also enjoy a simpler future. Kids who eat non-junk (sometimes referred to as "healthy" food) are often torn between possible careers as a doctor, lawyer, or some other high-stress position. Not so with junk-food eating kids. The study found that they are better prepared to take on low-stress, high-demand positions like cleaning, janitorial work, and custodial work.

We are pleased that this study has vindicated us and our products. Always remember: a meal without lard is not a meal worth having.