BROTHERS AND SISTERS! MOTHERS AND FATHERS! UNCLES AND COUSINS! SECOND-COUSINS AND LIVE-IN PARTNERS! Praise Jesus, amen and all that. TODAY is a day for HEALING! Step up! All you who are crippled, step up! All you who are lame, step up! No, not YOU, nerdlinger, I mean those who are REALLY LAME! All you who are suffering, step up! All you who watched that episode of "House" last night and now worry that you've got whatever it is that guy had, STEP UP!
HEALING is a tricky business. I know, by tradition, we heal by the laying on of the hands. AMEN! I felt the need to add that, because it's been QUITE A WHILE since I last said it. Today, though, we try something different. We try something NEW!
Step forward, Brother! Oh, I mean Sister. Sorry about that, Sister! My eyesight's been troubling me a bit lately. Perhaps its because of all the time I spend GAZING UPON THE LIGHT OF CHRIST! Or it may be the glaucoma.
Now, Sister, kneel down. No, not THERE, Sister, there's a wet spot right there. KNEEL DOWN HERE! About five inches to your left. Can I get an Amen? Can I get an A? Can I get an M? Can I get an I? Can I get an N? What's that spell? AMEN!
The time has come for healing! With this blessed ointment, which I'm going to SMEAR on your forehead, all your troubles will pass! Step forward and receive--the HOLY MARMITE!
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