Thursday, January 15, 2009
First Among Alcohols
Breaking news from the country formerly known as the USSR: Dmitri Medvedev is still far less popular than his predecessor Vladimir Putin, according to the Russian equivalent of the Gallup poll.
Monday, January 12, 2009
When Ninjas Go Bad
I'm no expert in Ninjology, but it seems to me like the ninja in this story violates several cardinal rules of the Ninjocracy. To wit:
1. Getting caught on camera
2. Being so out of shape that you're described as "portly"
3. Trying to steal an ATM--what need has a ninja for money?
4. Living in Florida
If he keeps that up, he's going to get his ninja license revoked. And we all know how tough it is to get that back.
1. Getting caught on camera
2. Being so out of shape that you're described as "portly"
3. Trying to steal an ATM--what need has a ninja for money?
4. Living in Florida
If he keeps that up, he's going to get his ninja license revoked. And we all know how tough it is to get that back.
I'm Just Buzzed
This experiment gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "busy as a bee." It also gives a new meaning to the phrase "scientists have a lot of time on their hands, and apparently a lot of illicit drugs as well."
List-O-Mania, Part II
Tell me: how is it that I, a total list fetishist, have remained unaware of Listology for so long? It's not just right up my alley. It goes right up my alley, to my front door, knocks politely and lets itself in, and sits down at my kitchen table for a nice chat. Sorry for the somewhat overly-elaborate metaphor.
But anyway, where else could you find a list like "The O.C. Episodes Ranked (1st Season)"? Or "The 10 Most Enjoyable Basketball Players on TV"? (Which is crap, by the way, as watching Ben Wallace play is about as enjoyable as brushing your teeth with steel wool and chili pepper).
And if you prefer "high" art, you can check out lists like this one of "The 100 Greatest Paintings of All Time." Granted, it's not really a GOOD list. The fact that the creator puts "The Potato Eaters" above "I and the Village" forces me to question his taste, good judgment, family history, and personal hygiene.
But that's what lists are for! That's why we make them! That's why I obsess about them way, way too much! Go check out listology, and if you're feeling in a listy mood, make up a few of your own. I'm currently working on my listum opus, "The O.C. Episodes Ranked (2nd Season)"
But anyway, where else could you find a list like "The O.C. Episodes Ranked (1st Season)"? Or "The 10 Most Enjoyable Basketball Players on TV"? (Which is crap, by the way, as watching Ben Wallace play is about as enjoyable as brushing your teeth with steel wool and chili pepper).
And if you prefer "high" art, you can check out lists like this one of "The 100 Greatest Paintings of All Time." Granted, it's not really a GOOD list. The fact that the creator puts "The Potato Eaters" above "I and the Village" forces me to question his taste, good judgment, family history, and personal hygiene.
But that's what lists are for! That's why we make them! That's why I obsess about them way, way too much! Go check out listology, and if you're feeling in a listy mood, make up a few of your own. I'm currently working on my listum opus, "The O.C. Episodes Ranked (2nd Season)"
Need-Based Scholarship
Dear University of North Carolina,
I'm currently a junior at this fine, fine institution of higher learning. Recently, I have been having some trouble paying for the cost of my education. Though you were kind enough to grant me a scholarship, that annual stipend of $5.56 is no longer enough to pay for two more years worth of college.
Thus, I humbly request that you increase the value of my scholarship, to at least $15.00 a semester. If not, I may have to resort to drastic measures.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm currently a junior at this fine, fine institution of higher learning. Recently, I have been having some trouble paying for the cost of my education. Though you were kind enough to grant me a scholarship, that annual stipend of $5.56 is no longer enough to pay for two more years worth of college.
Thus, I humbly request that you increase the value of my scholarship, to at least $15.00 a semester. If not, I may have to resort to drastic measures.
Sincerely,
Me
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The Thrill of Defeat...and the Agony...of Defeat
Yes, UNC lost. Again. Dropping us to 0-2--tied for last place--in the ACC. Maybe I'm being a Gloomy Gus, but I don't think we're going to go undefeated this year.
But moping won't fix anything. Let's try to look on the bright side of things. Every cloud has a silver lining, right? Here are some of the positive aspects of tonight's loss:
1. Tyler Hansbrough did not break his leg
2. Ty Lawson did not contract tetanus halfway through the game
3. Deon Thompson did not suffer a psychotic episode (though considering the way he played, maybe a touch of psychosis would have done the trick)
4. Danny Green did not die
See? I'm feeling better already! I feel happy...oh so happy...I feel...I...OH GOD IT'S ALL OVER WE'RE NEVER GOING TO WIN ANOTHER GAME WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Sorry. Sorry. Slipped into a funk there. But really, I'm going to keep hope alive for a little longer. If we win the championship, nobody outside Winston-Salem and Chestnut Hill will care that we lost to Wake Forest and Boston College.
First, though, comes winning the championship. And it looks like we've got a long way to go before we play with the big boys. My recommendation to Coach Williams? Call a team meeting. Select one player at random, though preferably not one of the good ones. Take out a gun and blow him away. If that doesn't send a message, I don't know what will.
But moping won't fix anything. Let's try to look on the bright side of things. Every cloud has a silver lining, right? Here are some of the positive aspects of tonight's loss:
1. Tyler Hansbrough did not break his leg
2. Ty Lawson did not contract tetanus halfway through the game
3. Deon Thompson did not suffer a psychotic episode (though considering the way he played, maybe a touch of psychosis would have done the trick)
4. Danny Green did not die
See? I'm feeling better already! I feel happy...oh so happy...I feel...I...OH GOD IT'S ALL OVER WE'RE NEVER GOING TO WIN ANOTHER GAME WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Sorry. Sorry. Slipped into a funk there. But really, I'm going to keep hope alive for a little longer. If we win the championship, nobody outside Winston-Salem and Chestnut Hill will care that we lost to Wake Forest and Boston College.
First, though, comes winning the championship. And it looks like we've got a long way to go before we play with the big boys. My recommendation to Coach Williams? Call a team meeting. Select one player at random, though preferably not one of the good ones. Take out a gun and blow him away. If that doesn't send a message, I don't know what will.
OMGLOLROFLWTFOLLZBDOQRSZ5
Now, this might come about from me being a cranky old man trapped in the body of a college student. But don't you think that 14,528 text messages in one months is...well...just a wee bit excessive?
According to the article, that averages out to "one every two minutes of every waking hour." Basically, you'd simply be reporting on every moment of your life. It'd be like being permanently hooked up to Twitter! Eventually, you'd start sending text about how you're sending texts, and then you're trapped in a meta-cycle of despair from which there is no escape.
PS. Wasn't a "meta-cycle" something from "Judge Dredd"? If not, doesn't it sound like it?
According to the article, that averages out to "one every two minutes of every waking hour." Basically, you'd simply be reporting on every moment of your life. It'd be like being permanently hooked up to Twitter! Eventually, you'd start sending text about how you're sending texts, and then you're trapped in a meta-cycle of despair from which there is no escape.
PS. Wasn't a "meta-cycle" something from "Judge Dredd"? If not, doesn't it sound like it?
Shark Attacked
Yes! Another victory in the never ending war of Man vs. Nature!
I do have to salute this Aussie for his presence of mind. If I were attacked by a shark, my first instinct would be to roll over and die of fright. I get the feeling 95% of human beings would act the same way.
Australians, though, are made of sterner stuff. And punchier stuff. They don't care what they punch--if you bite an Australian in the leg, you're asking for it, buddy.
I do have to salute this Aussie for his presence of mind. If I were attacked by a shark, my first instinct would be to roll over and die of fright. I get the feeling 95% of human beings would act the same way.
Australians, though, are made of sterner stuff. And punchier stuff. They don't care what they punch--if you bite an Australian in the leg, you're asking for it, buddy.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The Labyrinth
Y'see, here's what I don't get. The headline is "Hoarder Dies After Becoming Lost in Maze of His Own Trash." I understand that. Happens all the time!
But then there's this tidbit from the story itself: "Neighbors raised the alarm after failing to see him leave his house in Broughton, Bucks, for several days."
Here's my problem. If a guy lives in a house filled with floor-to-ceiling piles of rotting garbage, why was anyone puzzled when he failed to set foot outdoors? I can't imagine most trash-dwelling recluses spend a lot of time out and about. Just wondrin'.
But then there's this tidbit from the story itself: "Neighbors raised the alarm after failing to see him leave his house in Broughton, Bucks, for several days."
Here's my problem. If a guy lives in a house filled with floor-to-ceiling piles of rotting garbage, why was anyone puzzled when he failed to set foot outdoors? I can't imagine most trash-dwelling recluses spend a lot of time out and about. Just wondrin'.
Me Lucky Charms
When you win the lottery once, you're lucky.
When you win twice, you're very, very lucky.
When you win three times, you're so damn lucky you could go skydiving without a parachute and come out without a bruise.
When you win twenty-one times in 13 months...well, I'm guessing you must say your prayers extra hard every night.
When you win twice, you're very, very lucky.
When you win three times, you're so damn lucky you could go skydiving without a parachute and come out without a bruise.
When you win twenty-one times in 13 months...well, I'm guessing you must say your prayers extra hard every night.
Spidey Sense Tingling
Why, this might be the greatest convergence of politics and pop culture since Richard Nixon appeared on "Laugh-In"! Or, at the very least, since Bill Clinton appeared on the "Arsenio Hall Show."
My favorite part of the story:
The comic starts with Spider-Man's alter-ego Peter Parker taking photographs at the inauguration, before spotting two identical Obamas. Parker decides "the future president's gonna need Spider-Man," and springs into action, using basketball to determine the real Obama and punching out the impostor.
Geez, Spidey. What if Obama was having an off night on the basketball court? You might have ended up punching out the president-elect. Talk about being trigger-happy.
My favorite part of the story:
The comic starts with Spider-Man's alter-ego Peter Parker taking photographs at the inauguration, before spotting two identical Obamas. Parker decides "the future president's gonna need Spider-Man," and springs into action, using basketball to determine the real Obama and punching out the impostor.
Geez, Spidey. What if Obama was having an off night on the basketball court? You might have ended up punching out the president-elect. Talk about being trigger-happy.
The Will Schultz Cookbook
For years, I've been in search of hobby. I've picked up a few things along the way, but nothing has stuck.
For a while, I tried collecting things. First I collected stamps. Then I realized there is nothing more boring in the world than collecting stamps, except maybe collecting coins. Sadly, I realized that only after a brief stint as a coin collector.
I also did sports, to even less avail. I was too slow for soccer, too short for basketball, and too male for women's volleyball. Fencing was OK, until I had an unfortunate mishap that I'd rather not talk about for reasons both personal and legal.
But I think I might have finally hit upon the perfect hobby: cooking! True, it destroys whatever manliness credentials I had. The only way I could be considered manly again is if I took up mixed martial arts.
Cooking does have one big, big advantage, though. Whatever you make, you eat. Can you say that about coin collecting? No! I found that out through personal experience. A very painful personal experience.
Anyway, I thought I could use this blog to share a couple of my favorite recipes with you. Look for "The Will Schultz Cookbook" as yet another regularly irregular feature of this blog. For my first number:
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
Chocolate Chip Cookies
1. Pour ½ cup of sugar into a bowl
2. Add 2 eggs
3. Buy a package of Chips Ahoy!
4. Put Chips Ahoy! In bowl with eggs and sugar
5. Mix indifferently
6. Take out Chips Ahoy!
7. Eat Chips Ahoy!
8. Mmmm….
If you're in a hurry, you can skip steps 1 and 2. If you're in a big hurry,, you can skip steps 1-7.
For a while, I tried collecting things. First I collected stamps. Then I realized there is nothing more boring in the world than collecting stamps, except maybe collecting coins. Sadly, I realized that only after a brief stint as a coin collector.
I also did sports, to even less avail. I was too slow for soccer, too short for basketball, and too male for women's volleyball. Fencing was OK, until I had an unfortunate mishap that I'd rather not talk about for reasons both personal and legal.
But I think I might have finally hit upon the perfect hobby: cooking! True, it destroys whatever manliness credentials I had. The only way I could be considered manly again is if I took up mixed martial arts.
Cooking does have one big, big advantage, though. Whatever you make, you eat. Can you say that about coin collecting? No! I found that out through personal experience. A very painful personal experience.
Anyway, I thought I could use this blog to share a couple of my favorite recipes with you. Look for "The Will Schultz Cookbook" as yet another regularly irregular feature of this blog. For my first number:
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
Chocolate Chip Cookies
1. Pour ½ cup of sugar into a bowl
2. Add 2 eggs
3. Buy a package of Chips Ahoy!
4. Put Chips Ahoy! In bowl with eggs and sugar
5. Mix indifferently
6. Take out Chips Ahoy!
7. Eat Chips Ahoy!
8. Mmmm….
If you're in a hurry, you can skip steps 1 and 2. If you're in a big hurry,, you can skip steps 1-7.
Don't Cross Me
So a British church has taken down their crucifix because it's "too scary"? Hate to break it to you, vicar, but the whole idea of Jesus dying on the cross is pretty important to Christianity. It's not just a minor plot point.
But whatever! We can roll with it. Here, in honor of the Reverend Ewen Souter, is the story of Christ's passion, with all the scary stuff removed:
"One day, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey and was met by a bunch of people waving palm branches. Then a bunch of stuff happened. And after that, Jesus ascended into the clouds and was never seen again."
There! That shouldn't frighten the tykes. Next up: my non-scary version of the story of Passover.
But whatever! We can roll with it. Here, in honor of the Reverend Ewen Souter, is the story of Christ's passion, with all the scary stuff removed:
"One day, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey and was met by a bunch of people waving palm branches. Then a bunch of stuff happened. And after that, Jesus ascended into the clouds and was never seen again."
There! That shouldn't frighten the tykes. Next up: my non-scary version of the story of Passover.
Jelly, Jelly, in My Belly
Hey, anybody lose a large, white, jelly-like substance recently? If so, there are some people in New Zealand who would like to talk to you.
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