Cameron=Tyler Durden

Via the mildly-indispensable Cracked comes: "6 Insane Fan Theories That Actually Make Great Movies Better." And while I might disagree with their classification of The Matrix Revolutions as "great," everything else seems spot-on. I'm particularly intrigued by the "Ferris is a figment of Cameron's imagination" theory. If that's true, though, how does one explain Principal Rooney? Perhaps he's the representation of Cameron's dad--even in his wildest fantasy, Cameron still gets hounded by a male authority figure. Or maybe this whole thing is simply wacky crap made up by some wacky fan. Take your pick.

Fight Fiercely, Harvard

Interesting story about those rarest of things: an Asian basketball player. No, it's not Yao Ming. Anyway, Jeremy Lin plays for Harvard, and...no, I said it isn't Yao Ming. So Jeremy plays...Harvard, I said, Harvard, not Houston! Geez, shut up about Yao Ming already!

Wonders...or Blunders?

Boy, isn't technology amazing? Even as I write this blog post on my iPhone, I'm simultaneously hurrying down the street on my way to a (THUNK)

Bizarre Google Search

Zzzz...so sleepy...barely have enough strength to search for "the late, late, late, late show":



Vampires...so hot right now...zzzzzz

Proposals to Solve Jay vs. Conan

Have both men host the show together, alternating between words

Hold a deathmatch: Leno's chin vs. O'Brien's pompadour

Inject them both with truth serum and ask, "OK, which one of you wants it more?"

Bring back Johnny Car...never mind

In a Solomonic maneuver, offer to split the show in half; the true Tonight Show host will selflessly resign rather than see his beloved show torn asunder

Weight Weight, Don't Tell Me

This, I believe, is a message from God, and it proves that he wants us to eat and grow fat. On that note, time to hit the vending machine and see if they restocked the Mallomars.

Bizarre Google Search

You know what's coming next: a Bizarre Google Search for "where's waldo now?" I won't keep you waiting. Here goes:



Hee hee. Sex.

Some Things Were Not Meant To Be Found

Remember Waldo? Yeah, I could never find that guy, but I always had fun looking. The real entertainment came from the richly, almost obsessively detailed drawings in which Waldo hid. As I kid, I spent hours flipping through Waldo books. Hey, I was a dumb kid. Whaddayagonnado?

But in my youthful innocence I missed some of the strange--even downright disturbing--things hidden in those picture books. "Topless mermaid orgy," anyone? And my favorite comment: "It's like David Lynch dropped by for a guest sketch." Very true.

Saving Money in the New Year

Tear your dollar bills in half to make them go farther

Take a gamble on one of those Nigerian banker e-mails; they can't all be scams, right?

Do some freelance panhandling on the side

Get rid of your cell phone and communicate by yelling very loudly

Hire someone to follow you around and punch you in the head any time you think about spending money

Move Over, Dr. Atkins

Video games have many uses, but there are two things they cannot do. First, they can't find you a girlfriend, no matter how much virtual gold you have or how many eldritch scrolls you've collected. Second--and even more depressing for most gamers--video games can't help you lose weight.

Or so I thought...until I found this story about a Georgia teen who dropped 150 pounds by treating weight loss like a video game. But even after reading the article, I'm still not quite sure how he pulled it off. Did he limit himself to a diet of cherries, a la Pac-Man? Or did he opt for the Link diet, which consists entirely of milk? I'm curious.

Pants Party

For those of you who couldn't get enough of General Larry Platt's "Pants on the Ground"--this one's for you. Be sure to check out the remix! It won't be long before we hear General Platt's immortal rhyme "Pants on the ground/Pants on the ground" pulsing out of a every subwoofer in America.

Fish Tale

Australian scientists discover that fish are a little brainier then we thought. And remember that little bit of trivia, that staple of "Did You Know?" e-mails forwarded by coworkers, relatives, and friends, which holds that goldfish have a memory of only three seconds? It's nothing but bunk. The moral is: be careful what you say to your fish. If, for instance, you tell Goldie that you plan to murder your wife for the insurance money...well, it might come back to bite you a few years down the road. Don't expect Goldie to forget something like that.

Bizarre Google Search

In conclusion, a Bizarre Google Search for "earth shattering kaboom":



Man, I can never get xkcd.

Big Bang

Hmmm...does this mean that those Abrams tanks and Harrier jets you sometimes see parked outside of army surplus stores are still usable? I figure I should at least check. If it doesn't work, well, no problem. But if it does...let's just say I know what I'll be driving to work for the next three decades.

Curing the Winter Blues

Increase your production of carbon dioxide, speeding up the rate of global warming and ultimately bringing about the end of winter.

Become one of those freaky goths who loves the dark and cold.

Move to Australia and leave your worthless life here behind.

Buy one of those light therapy lamps; failing that, shine a pen flashlight into your eyes for two hours each morning.

Kill yourself. C’mon, you know you want to.