For Your Health

Hey, you there! You with half a KFC chicken wing wedged between your molars! Ever wonder why you got so gosh-darned fat? Well, the New York Times will tell you: it's because you aren't eating these eleven foods.

To my eternal shame and everlasting flabbiness, I've eaten only one of the eleven: frozen blueberries. I've also dabbled a little in cinnamon, but that came in the form of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which is about as healthy as emphysema.

If you need to get healthy in a hurry, I recommend mixing all eleven ingredients into one super-dish. This magical meal will lower your blood pressure, cure your acne, and make your wife look prettier. What are you waiting for, fatty? Go break out the turmeric and beets and have yourself a Healthapalooza!

Snow Day

A Scottish ski resort shuts down because, and I paraphrase, "there's just too much damn snow." And next, your local beach closes because the water was getting a little too wet.

Pardon the Sarcasm

Oh, now this is just a great idea.

Take It Off!

Until I read this story, I thought "Fleshmob" referred to a new film from George Romero, or possibly to a hard-rock band with a zombie theme. Boy, was I wrong.

Bizarre Google Search

On that note, let's end with a Bizarre Google Search for "angry John McCain":



Why, he doesn't look angry in the slightest!

"I Don't Think Mitt Romney Has a Soul"

...And other juicy bits from Game Change, the newly-released book on Election 08. Other fun facts: John McCain likes to drop the f-bomb. A lot. Against his wife.

Tree-mendous!

Trees on Mars! Trees on Mars! Trees on Mars!

Wait...oh, I just read the story, and the "trees" are nothing but optical illusions. Ah, well. There goes my grand plan to grow Christmas trees on Mars--or, as I planned to call them, ChristMARS trees. They would have been a goldmine, let me tell you.

Hard-to-Keep New Years Resolutions

Kick oxygen once and for all

Give up all foods with a consonant in their names

Really get into the oeuvre of Jack Black

Earn a sponsorship from Pepsi-Cola

Do stuff to fix all those problems

Bizarre Google Search

In honor of the wheel-of-fate conceit behind the Bizarre Google Search, I present to you the results of a search for "where she stops nobody knows":



HAR HAR HAR IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE...actually, I have no idea how any half-sentient being could find this in the least amusing. Sorry.

Unobtainium

I generally try not to mock people who suffer from crippling, near-suicidal depression. That being said...this story is pretty pathetic. People are being driven to depression by their un-fulfillable desire to visit Pandora, the alien world in "Avatar"? Please. It wasn't even that great of a planet. I would much sooner visit Coruscant--heck, I'd even go to Tattooine before Pandora.

It's Vacation Time!

"Honey, go get the kids--we're going on a road trip!"

"What? What's going on, Harold?"

"Haven't you heard, sweetheart? The corpse flower is about to bloom! Seeing something like that is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!"

"A corpse flower? What is it?"

"It's a big, ugly flower that looks like a prop from Star Trek and smells like rotting flesh!"

"Why didn't you say so in the first place? KIDS! WE LEAVE IN FIVE!"

Ding-Dong Ditch

No, no, you've got it all wrong. First ring the door bell, then light the thing on fire--not the other way around.

That's Reassuring

Actual, true-to-life headline: " 'I'm not dead,' says Nigerian president." Imagine the Nigerian opinion polls!

Question 1: Do you think Nigeria is on the right track or the wrong track?
Question 2: Do you approve or disapprove of the job President Yar'Adua is doing?
Question 3: Do you think President Yar'Adua is alive or dead?

Highlights of the Bowl Season

Tom Savage throws for 294 yards in the St. Petersburg Bowl, setting an NCAA record for Yards Thrown By A Guy Named Tom Savage in the St. Petersburg Bowl

Nebraska blanks Arizona 33-0 in the Holiday Bowl after Arizona’s staff, trainers, and entire 85-man roster oversleeps.

After losing the Liberty Bowl, the East Carolina Pirates consequently lose their liberty and are sold as slaves to the victorious Arkansas team.

Florida coach Urban Meyer retires, un-retires, re-retires, takes a leave of absence, resigns, and resumes his position, all in the second quarter of the Sugar Bowl.

Ohio State’s string of bad luck in big games continues, as their apparent 24-17 victory over Oregon in the Rose Bowl is negated when officials discover the game was played on Opposite Day.

El Rushbo

Hey, remember when I said you could make a musical out of anything? Well, I was joking, but it seems the Second City comedy troupe took me at my word. I look forward to the inevitable Glenn Beck! The Musical, with its infectious opening number "YEAAAAAARGGGGHHHHHHH!!!"