DDIY (Don't Do It Yourself)

This explains why my attempts to build a credenza out of empty matchboxes ended in disaster.

Kiss and Tell

Today in the news: a kiss gone wrong temporarily shuts down the Newark Airport. Tomorrow in the news: the TSA installs love detectors alongside the traditional metal detectors. Only passengers who register as a "Cold Fish" will be permitted to board their flight. Anyone measured as a "Casanova" will be detained, while any "Hot Tamales" will be shot on sight.

Stoner

Is Oliver Stone, of Oliver Stone fame, the stupidest person living today? After reading this story, the answer seems clear: no one else comes close.

Child, Please

Interesting little story about the zaniest, wackiest, kuh-raziest wideout in the NFL: Mr. Chad Javon Johnson, known to most and sundry as Chad Ochocinco. I think Senor Ochocinco himself says it best: "I’m just as loony as ever, but I’m running out of ways to get attention." Trust, us, Chad, we're all looking forward to that day with great anticipation.

PS. I'm intrigued by the passing mention of Chad's "Q-Score," a measure of his likability among sports fan. Ochocinco scores a 9; for comparison, Peyton Manning scores a 35, while the average athlete sits at 14. Now I'm curious. Who has the highest Q-Score in the league? The lowest? Off the tip-top of my head, I would say Petyon probably does best, while Terrell Owens likely has the lowest score.

Bonin' Up

It seems they (they, of course, referring to those brilliant men in the white lab coats) have discovered a way of transforming wood into bone. Finally, I can fulfill my dream of having two extra femurs! But hey, why stop there? I could have five more ulnas! Three more clavicles! An extra occipital bone! The opportunities are endless!

You're a Good Man, Barack Obama

There are musicals about cats, and trains, and boy ballerinas, so why not President Barack H. Obama? But it seems that the musical ends when Barack takes the oath of office. Which leads me to wonder...how could one summarize Obama's first year in musical form? A few suggested songs:

Why Don't You (Pay Your Taxes on Time, Tom Daschle?)
Bushwhacking
What We Need is Healthcare Reform
I Am a Very Noble Man
Biden My Time (Feat. Joe Biden)
Crash the Party in the USA

Biker Chick

The Tour de France...epic, exhilarating, and a complete ratings dud on TV. No one watches the damn thing! If people wanted to watch a bunch of scrawny guys sweating through their colorful spandex shirts, they could go down to the local gym and ogle the people on the treadmills.

So how to get people interested in the T-d-F? I think the case of this Oregon woman provides one possibility.

TMI

James Carville+Discussions concerning genitalia=Ick ick ick ick.

Attack of the Killer Spiders

Australians beware! The island continent is in a state of siege, as hundreds of huge, hairy, extremely venomous funnel web spiders invade its cities. Didn't they import cane toads precisely to handle situations like this?

Also note: the linked-to story leads off with a picture of an extremely large, extremely ugly spider. Arachnophobes, you have been warned.

Crash Diet

Here's a story about a senior citizen who 1) is a terrible driver and 2) has a hankering for cheap, hearty breakfasts. Talk about stereotyping!

Getting Shirty

There is "in bad taste."

Then there is "completely tasteless."

And then you have this.

And below that, of course, you have a John Waters film. But I shall not speak of such things.

Twin Cities

This story walks the narrow line between "cute" and "creepy." I think we ought to nuke the town, on the off-chance we might be dealing with a "village of the damned" type situation.

Think You Had a Bad Month?

Tsutomu Yamaguchi recently passed away. Don't know the name? If not, be sure to read his story. To summarize: Mr. Yamaguchi's fame comes from a spectacular case of bad timing. He was visiting Hiroshima on business the day it was nuked. He survived, and after getting bandaged up he returned home...to Nagasaki.

Yeah, you know what happened next. Forget Lou Gehrig. This was the real luckiest man on earth. To live through two A-bombs--and to survive for decades afterward without sprouting wings or flippers--is nothing less than an act of God. Or whoever Mr. Yamaguchi happened to worship.

PS. The article notes that James Cameron is planning to make a film about "nuclear weapons." Oh God. Oh God no.

Awww...

Your daily dose of heartwarming for the day: a lost dachshund had the presence of mind to turn itself in at the local lost-and-found. Note: I said heartwarming, not heartworming. Though I suppose both phrases would apply in this case.

Big Green Men

"When the aliens come, they will eat the fatties first." Seems pretty straightforward to me. So what's the problem? Are people seriously arguing that aliens would NOT eat the fattiest first? Ridiculous.