It's like Free Mumia for non-crazy people! For those of you who don't know the story, Steve Padgett was arrested for his bold, principled, heroic refusal to deliver junk mail.
He recently received his sentence: probation and a $3,000 fine. He was forced to decide between that punishment and another offered by the judge, which was to eat all the junk mail he refused to deliver. Unsurprisingly, he opted for the fine.
Mailman Steve, I salute you. If we had more people like you...then...well, the world wouldn't be that different at all, I guess. So...there ya go.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Alive and Kicking
Let me just say: I think "Kick a Ginger Day" is the stupidest Facebook event since July's "Kick Will Schultz Day," and only marginally less stupid than February's "Send Will Schultz Threatening E-Mails Day."
But this remind me. I forgot to pick up "Kick a Ginger Day," presents for my family this year, again. So embarrassing, the way it sneaks up on you.
But this remind me. I forgot to pick up "Kick a Ginger Day," presents for my family this year, again. So embarrassing, the way it sneaks up on you.
Let It Be
The Vatican, proving they never bear a grudge for long, has chosen to forgive John Lennon for claiming the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus."
I think Lennon is a bit beyond caring at this point. But remember, it took the Vatican a couple centuries to get around to forgiving Galileo for the whole imprisonment thing. So they're really picking up the pace!
By the way, no word on whether they'll forgive Ringo for releasing the "No No Song." Some sins cannot be unsinned, in my opinion.
I think Lennon is a bit beyond caring at this point. But remember, it took the Vatican a couple centuries to get around to forgiving Galileo for the whole imprisonment thing. So they're really picking up the pace!
By the way, no word on whether they'll forgive Ringo for releasing the "No No Song." Some sins cannot be unsinned, in my opinion.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Fun with Lexicography
How do I feel about the word "meh" being added to the Collins English Dictionary? All I can say is...well, you know.
Toilet Bowl
We have to wait until January to find out who's the best college football team in America, but thankfully, we don't have to wait that long to know who's the worst. And the winner (relatively speaking) is...
THE UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON HUSKIES!
Congratulations, Huskies! We didn't think you could pull it off, but you've managed to beat the adds and go 0-11 so far this season.
Today, they overcame what was probably their biggest hurdle (again, relatively speaking): the Washington State Cougars. Remember, that was the team that was so utterly terrible that its coach was basically begging somebody--anybody--to play quarterback.
Only the University of California stands between the Huskies and total, humiliating perfection. C'mon now, Bears, let's not spoil UW's magical season.
THE UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON HUSKIES!
Congratulations, Huskies! We didn't think you could pull it off, but you've managed to beat the adds and go 0-11 so far this season.
Today, they overcame what was probably their biggest hurdle (again, relatively speaking): the Washington State Cougars. Remember, that was the team that was so utterly terrible that its coach was basically begging somebody--anybody--to play quarterback.
Only the University of California stands between the Huskies and total, humiliating perfection. C'mon now, Bears, let's not spoil UW's magical season.
More Like....Crappy Hour
Breaking news: those fun-loving Brits are thinking about banning happy hour in order to reduce drinking.
Somewhat less important breaking news: With the demise of happy hour, the popular newspaper comic "Beetle Bailey" now loses 50% of his joke material.
Somewhat less important breaking news: With the demise of happy hour, the popular newspaper comic "Beetle Bailey" now loses 50% of his joke material.
Let's Get Wet
Boy, there ain't nothing like a motorcycle. Yessir, a sleek, black, rip-roarin', eardrum-poppin', neighborhood-association-irritatin' hog...nothin' like it in the world.
When you own a motorcycle, you're makin' a statement. You say: I'm bold! I'm tough! I live large, I don't take no prisoners, and if you disagree, buddy, I might just come over their and knock your teeth so far down your throat that you'll be brushing your teeth with a toothpaste enema! And I wet the bed! Wait, scratch that last one...
When you own a motorcycle, you're makin' a statement. You say: I'm bold! I'm tough! I live large, I don't take no prisoners, and if you disagree, buddy, I might just come over their and knock your teeth so far down your throat that you'll be brushing your teeth with a toothpaste enema! And I wet the bed! Wait, scratch that last one...
Bad, Bad Pet Giant!
Headline from CBS: "Pet Giant Linked to Puppy Mills."
This is what happens when you get too permissive with your pet giant. First they start drinking out of the local reservoir. Then they start...doing their business in the sandbox at the local play ground. And the next thing you know they're running illegal puppy mills!
For the love of God, people, please be firm with your pet giants. This has been a Public Service Announcement. Good night, and God bless.
This is what happens when you get too permissive with your pet giant. First they start drinking out of the local reservoir. Then they start...doing their business in the sandbox at the local play ground. And the next thing you know they're running illegal puppy mills!
For the love of God, people, please be firm with your pet giants. This has been a Public Service Announcement. Good night, and God bless.
Smell Ya Later
Will's recently updated list of things that are fatal in large doses:
1. Candy
2. Arsenic
3. Water
4. Salt
5. Bullets in the face
6. Spray-on deodorant
As a college student, though, I sometimes find myself wishing that Axe spray-on deodorant was instantly lethal. I'm sick and tired of the hall bathroom smelling like a middle school dance. I keep expecting to hear some DJ spinning "Who Let the Dogs Out?" whenever I walk in there.
1. Candy
2. Arsenic
3. Water
4. Salt
5. Bullets in the face
6. Spray-on deodorant
As a college student, though, I sometimes find myself wishing that Axe spray-on deodorant was instantly lethal. I'm sick and tired of the hall bathroom smelling like a middle school dance. I keep expecting to hear some DJ spinning "Who Let the Dogs Out?" whenever I walk in there.
Please Note
ATTENTION EVERYONE:
Though panda bears may indeed look cute and cuddly, they are not--I repeat, ARE NOT--fond of being hugged by complete strangers.
If you plan to hug a panda bear, get to know the panda first. Ask him about his favorite movies, music, etc. Engage him in meaningful conversation. Possibly buy him a meal. Then--and ONLY THEN--should you attempt to hug him. And kissing is out of the question until at least your third date.
Though panda bears may indeed look cute and cuddly, they are not--I repeat, ARE NOT--fond of being hugged by complete strangers.
If you plan to hug a panda bear, get to know the panda first. Ask him about his favorite movies, music, etc. Engage him in meaningful conversation. Possibly buy him a meal. Then--and ONLY THEN--should you attempt to hug him. And kissing is out of the question until at least your third date.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Hot Hot Hot
Here's a recipe for disaster:
Take one (1) bottle of 151 proof rum
ADD
Bartender with one hell of a party trick
ADD
Match--a lit one, preferably
ADD
Unsuspecting bystander
And what do you get? Hint: it rhymes with "merst, mecond, and mird megree murns." And if you answered something that rhymes with "mawsuit," you'd also be correct.
Take one (1) bottle of 151 proof rum
ADD
Bartender with one hell of a party trick
ADD
Match--a lit one, preferably
ADD
Unsuspecting bystander
And what do you get? Hint: it rhymes with "merst, mecond, and mird megree murns." And if you answered something that rhymes with "mawsuit," you'd also be correct.
Beware the Wrath of the Butt Bandit
Fear not, citizens of Nebraska! The nefarious Butt Bandit has been arrested. No more will innocent Cornhuskers be terrorized by the sight of bare buttocks pressed up against their window in the middle of the night!
I wonder: in prison, is he going to tell the other guys what he's in for? Or will he try to make something up to look tougher? "Oh yeah, man, I got put away for triple homicide with a twist of arson."
On the other hand, how can you pass up a chance to show off a nickname like "The Butt Bandit?"
I wonder: in prison, is he going to tell the other guys what he's in for? Or will he try to make something up to look tougher? "Oh yeah, man, I got put away for triple homicide with a twist of arson."
On the other hand, how can you pass up a chance to show off a nickname like "The Butt Bandit?"
Overheard in the OR
-This is nothing at all like Operation!
-Hey, where'd my watch go?
-That probably would've burst anyway.
-Remind me: would cutting this be lethal or non-lethal?
-That's probably not supposed to come out.
-I knew I should've gone for law school.
-Hey, where'd my watch go?
-That probably would've burst anyway.
-Remind me: would cutting this be lethal or non-lethal?
-That's probably not supposed to come out.
-I knew I should've gone for law school.
Sounds Like Somebody Needs Some Cheering Up!
Headline from the BBC: "Global Gloom Depresses Oil Prices."
Awww. Things aren't that bad, oil prices. Take some Zoloft and you'll be right as rain in no time.
Awww. Things aren't that bad, oil prices. Take some Zoloft and you'll be right as rain in no time.
Careful With That Axe, Madison
SI offers a helpful, illustrated look at some of college football's KUH-RAZIER trophies, from the Little Brown Jug to the Jeweled Shillelagh. A few of my favorites:
THE IRON SKILLET: Awarded the winner of the SMU-TCU rivalry game. Commemorates Texas's long and noble tradition of making pancakes.
THE OLD BRASS SPITTOON: The winner of the Indiana-Michigan State game gets their hands on this prize. Tip: never, ever look inside it.
PAUL BUNYAN TROPHY: At stake in the Michigan vs. Michigan State game. One of the more uncomfortably phallic trophies out there, and that's saying something.
COMMANDER IN CHIEF'S TROPHY: Given to the winner of the annual Army-Navy game. Winner gets to pick a country for the loser to invade.
THE IRON SKILLET: Awarded the winner of the SMU-TCU rivalry game. Commemorates Texas's long and noble tradition of making pancakes.
THE OLD BRASS SPITTOON: The winner of the Indiana-Michigan State game gets their hands on this prize. Tip: never, ever look inside it.
PAUL BUNYAN TROPHY: At stake in the Michigan vs. Michigan State game. One of the more uncomfortably phallic trophies out there, and that's saying something.
COMMANDER IN CHIEF'S TROPHY: Given to the winner of the annual Army-Navy game. Winner gets to pick a country for the loser to invade.
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