Please, No Stuart Smalley Jokes

Just a few months ago I scoffed--scoffed!--at the idea of Al Franken being a serious candidate for the Senate. Well, time to eat my scoffations. Former Funnyman Franken just received the unanimous endorsement of the Minnesota DFL (Minnesota being too high-and-might to just call its Democrats "Democrats") and will go on to face Senator Norm Coleman in November.

Wow. Nowhere but Minnesota, I guess, with the possible exception of Alaska. I guess Franken fits the "straight-talk" template people want this fall. If Franken wins, and if McCain wins the White House, I sincerely hope Al gets called on to deliver the Democratic rebuttal to the State-of-the-Union speech.

Cause, Meet Effect

"Man Jumps From Plane With No Parachute, Dies."

Well, duh.

The War of Nature vs. Nature Continues

I thought that headline I posted a few minutes back was unbeatable. Wrong! Here, via CNN, comes this priceless, priceless gem: "Dog Can't Stomach Spew the Toad." Unlike the one about the thong bandits, this is everything you think it is...and more. Let's just say it'll make you think twice before you wolf down that cane toad for dinner!*

*If you are eating cane toads, God help you

The New Nostradamus!

This boast is a few days late, but that won't stop me. At the beginning of the year I predicted that the Red Wings would win the Stanley Cup. And they called me crazy! Ha ha ha ha!

"But Will, what about your predictions that the Pistons would win the NBA Championship? Or that the Tigers would win the World Series?"

...Shut up. I thought it was Detroit's year.

The War Between Man and Nature Continues

Honeybees have invaded a Jacksonville condo. It's only a matter of time before they move on to real houses. I don't want to be alarmist, but if this is the start of a trend, then we're all doomed.

"...I'm allergic to bee stings, sir. I tend to die."
-Waylon Smithers

Stockings, Guys...Not Thongs

An arresting beginning to any story: "Police in Arvada said they've found two men who wore women's thong underwear during the robbery of a convenience store."

Turns out it's not quite as scandalous as it sounds. They only wore it over their faces, in what may be the lamest disguise ever attempted (excepting the time at dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi for Halloween...but that's another story)

My opinion: if they tried to disguise themselves by wearing thongs, they are no threat to society. I recommend releasing them and seeing what other wacky hijinks they get into.

Slow People Got No Reason to Live

Here's a movement we can all get behind, as long as we don't rush it. The slow movement! Dedicated to slowing down the frenetic pace of modern life, these valiant defenders of sluggishness charge (slowly) into battle, ready to protect our right to lollygag, laze, and loll about. Their demands include (yawn)...include the right (mmm...sleep)...to have all (big yawn)...zzzzz.

Zzzzzzzz...z. Z.

For Your Viewing Pleasure...

A giant fork. On the shore of a lake. What more needs to be said? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Funny (?) Line from Clinton's Acceptance Speech

I'm too tired to talk politics, or at least too tired to talk politics coherently. That said, though, I'd like to bring to your attention a rather...peculiar line from Hillary Clinton's concession speech. I paraphrase:

"If we can blast 50 women into space, certainly we can blast a woman into the White House!"

She makes it sound like NASA rounded up 50 women from around Cape Canaversal, crammed them into a rocket ship, and just blasted 'em right into orbit. Boy, it is late.

The Only Phoenix-Related Post in the Blogosphere That Won't Use the Phrase 'Rising Sun'...Oops

Congratulations, Phoenix fans! After forcing out Mike D'Antoni for failing to magically subtract 10 years from Shaq's age, your owners have found a new coach for you...Terry Porter! Yes, nothing says success like "Former Milwaukee Bucks Coach with a .400 Win Percentage Who Also Looks Like Zippy the Pinhead!"

Wait, did you just hear a popping sound? That was Steve Nash's back, giving out in gleeful anticipation of a new season.

...And It's Jesus With the Save!

The World Cup: we all know it, and some of us love it. There's one thing I've always wondered about it: do the little countries ever get a say? Will we ever see Liechtenstein or Andorra or Monaca matched up with Brazil or France?

Well...no. But here's the next best thing. The Vatican City presents: The Clericus Cup! A group of trainee priests get together and form teams and...eh, who cares about the details? It's priets playing soccer! Whoo!

I have to add that "Clericus Cup" sounds like something out of Harry Potter. As in, "'Arry!' Hagrid roared with glee. 'Yeh've just won the Clericus Cup fer Gryffindor!'"

Return to Return to Wackypedia

Hey there! I'm smugly pleased to report that not only has Wackypedia returned--we're now broadcasting LIVE from Washington DC! That's right: the Great White City, Capital of America, City of Monuments...that's all the nicknames I have. And two of them I made up.

In addition to the usual nonsense I put on this blog, prepare yourselves to receive only the newest, freshest political news from someone who has the inside scoop! Well, maybe I should rephrase that. Prepare yourselves to receive only the stalest, most outdated trivial political gossip from someone who mindlessly repeats what he overhears! Yeah, that's the ticket.

Take Me Home, Country Roads

Hillary looks to have won a thumpin' victory in the West Virginia primary. It seems she succeeded in appealing to the "moonshine moms" who make up a key voter demographic in the Mountaineer State. I would try to provide some analysis, but its late and I'm tired. So all you get is this lame joke.

The Troof Is Out There

Happy news for all you British UFOlogists out there (you know who you are): the British government has declassified nearly a decade worth of files related to UFO sightings. Among them is this gem:

One man explained in great detail his "physical and psychic contact" with green aliens since he was a child.

The writer said that one of them, called Algar, was killed in 1981 by another race of beings as he was about to make contact with the UK government.

Bummer, man.

Return to Wackypedia

I have returned! Sorry for the prolonged absence, but...hmm. I was just going to explain my absence, but that would imply that I have readers who cared about me, which would imply that I have readers period. So let's skip the explanations and get straight back to the WACKYNESS! Woo hoo hoo!

...

That took a lot out of me. This blogging business is harder that I remembered.