Ziggy on the front page
-Keep subscription costs the same, but surreptitiously jack up delivery costs to $1,000,000 a day
-Replace long-winded editorial with pithy statements like “Obama bad” or, possibly, “Obama good”
-Print the paper on cheaper material, like birch bark or Kleenex
-Change every Horoscope to read “A horrible, fiery death is in your future unless you donate half your income to our paper”
-Eliminate adverbs
-Fire all the photographers; replace the pictures with crude stick-figure drawings
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Click It or Ticket
In Britain, it is now officially a crime to resuscitate your son, if said resuscitation occurs in a moving vehicle. So remember, kids: a human life is priceless, unless it involves a moving violation. In that case it costs about a hundred or so bucks.
The Rap Sheet
NAME: John Doe
HOME ADDRESS: 1254 Cypress St.
CHARGE: Assault in the Second Degree
WEAPON: Inflatable penis
SENTENCE: Offender required to stay at least 500 feet away from any penis at all times. Logistics of this sentence are still under review.
HOME ADDRESS: 1254 Cypress St.
CHARGE: Assault in the Second Degree
WEAPON: Inflatable penis
SENTENCE: Offender required to stay at least 500 feet away from any penis at all times. Logistics of this sentence are still under review.
Overheard on Prom Night
"So, Susie, um...would you like to, uh...step outside for a moment?"
"..."
"No? Yes? What?
"..."
"You're not going to say anything?
"..."
"God! Fine! Be like that! See if I care!"
"..."
"Damn! My mom was right when she said I should have asked Debbie to the prom instead of you!"
"..."
"No? Yes? What?
"..."
"You're not going to say anything?
"..."
"God! Fine! Be like that! See if I care!"
"..."
"Damn! My mom was right when she said I should have asked Debbie to the prom instead of you!"
Das Kapital: The Musical
(Scene: A Grim Factory)
BLOATED PLUTOCRAT
Behold my lovely factory!
Watch those turbines spin!
All I do is sit here
And each day more cash rolls in
Oh, I adore my money
I'd kiss it if I could
I've always felt that money
Should be the highest good
Some folks say that men like me
Keep the workers down
And it's true that I do own
More than half this town
But that's the way it should be
The working man's a sheep
All he knows is work, work, work
And, on occasions, sleep
NOBLE, OPPRESSED WORKER
Not so fast, o bloated one
At last the time has come
For men like me to turn on you
Who treated us like scum
You cut our wages, taxed us blind
And gave us dust to eat
For far too long the working man
Has languished 'neath your feet
No more! No more! A brand new day
Has finally begun
A day when all the working men
Will rise up like the sun
KARL MARX
That's the way it's going to go
For more, please read my book
It's nearly a thousand pages
But please, still take a look
BLOATED PLUTOCRAT
Behold my lovely factory!
Watch those turbines spin!
All I do is sit here
And each day more cash rolls in
Oh, I adore my money
I'd kiss it if I could
I've always felt that money
Should be the highest good
Some folks say that men like me
Keep the workers down
And it's true that I do own
More than half this town
But that's the way it should be
The working man's a sheep
All he knows is work, work, work
And, on occasions, sleep
NOBLE, OPPRESSED WORKER
Not so fast, o bloated one
At last the time has come
For men like me to turn on you
Who treated us like scum
You cut our wages, taxed us blind
And gave us dust to eat
For far too long the working man
Has languished 'neath your feet
No more! No more! A brand new day
Has finally begun
A day when all the working men
Will rise up like the sun
KARL MARX
That's the way it's going to go
For more, please read my book
It's nearly a thousand pages
But please, still take a look
Monday, March 23, 2009
Bizarre Google Search XVI
TITLE: Bizarre Google Search XVI
ARTIST: Will Schultz
MATERIALS: Bizarre Google Search for "pretentious art exhibit"
Available now for the low, low price of $25,000,000!
ARTIST: Will Schultz
MATERIALS: Bizarre Google Search for "pretentious art exhibit"
Available now for the low, low price of $25,000,000!
Nathan Singh's Facebook News Feed
Barry Golter joined the group The Men of Cell Block B
Chris Folger is in solitary agin...omfg
7 of your friends are fans of shivs
Mike Clair sent Randy Daggett a rusty file
Chris Folger freakin out
10 of your friends are attending Riot in Pod 5
3 of your friends joined the group I Dropped the Soap
Wendell Jacobs is so sick of staring at the same four walls every day
Chris Folger signed out
The warden is very disappointed in you, Officer Singh
Chris Folger is in solitary agin...omfg
7 of your friends are fans of shivs
Mike Clair sent Randy Daggett a rusty file
Chris Folger freakin out
10 of your friends are attending Riot in Pod 5
3 of your friends joined the group I Dropped the Soap
Wendell Jacobs is so sick of staring at the same four walls every day
Chris Folger signed out
The warden is very disappointed in you, Officer Singh
Shrimpy
It's too bad that business can't enter their names in this contest, because it would be one heck of a publicity bonanza for Red Lobster.
Notable NCAA Upsets
-After losing to favored Gonzaga on a last-second shot, Western Kentucky guard A.J. Slaughter returns to his hotel room and upsets Gonzaga an astounding 27 times on his copy of "NCAA March Madness '09"
-Oklahoma State guard Byron Eaton leads his team past Tennessee by converting a 52-point play as time expires
-St. Mary's upsets #5 seed Florida State; this is especially surprising, as St. Mary's was supposed to be playing in the NIT
-Eastern Tennessee State upsets #1 seeded Pittsburgh for approximately five minutes in the second half, between 11:03 and 16:34
-Wake Forest loses to Cleveland, making star player Jeff Teague very upset
-Oklahoma State guard Byron Eaton leads his team past Tennessee by converting a 52-point play as time expires
-St. Mary's upsets #5 seed Florida State; this is especially surprising, as St. Mary's was supposed to be playing in the NIT
-Eastern Tennessee State upsets #1 seeded Pittsburgh for approximately five minutes in the second half, between 11:03 and 16:34
-Wake Forest loses to Cleveland, making star player Jeff Teague very upset
Friday, March 20, 2009
Crackery
This story gives a whole new meaning to the term "blaze a bowl."
Yes, I'm very well aware that refers to an entirely different kind of drug. But otherwise, it wouldn't have been punny.
Yes, I'm very well aware that refers to an entirely different kind of drug. But otherwise, it wouldn't have been punny.
The Mile-High Club
A girl with an occupied womb
Stepped into an airplane's bathroom
She quickly gave birth
When she got back to earth
She left the poor kid to his doom
Stepped into an airplane's bathroom
She quickly gave birth
When she got back to earth
She left the poor kid to his doom
Le Basketball
Unless you happen to root for one o' them "smart guy" schools like Princeton or Cornell, it's hard to feel intellectual about watching college basketball. Watching big guys put a ball through a little hoop takes 5, maybe 6 IQ points.
So imagine my joy on finding this New Yorker piece. It gratifies both my love of college basketball and my gigantic intellectual pretensions. I haven't felt this way since I read "Paper Lion"!
So imagine my joy on finding this New Yorker piece. It gratifies both my love of college basketball and my gigantic intellectual pretensions. I haven't felt this way since I read "Paper Lion"!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Bizarre Google Search XVI
Let us honor the first day of March Madness with a Bizarre Google Search for "stunning last-second upset."
Woo! Go GMU! Beat UConn!
Woo! Go GMU! Beat UConn!
Come Destroy Beautiful San Francisco!
LIST OF MOST-DESTROYED CITIES IN DISASTER MOVIES
1. Tokyo
Number of Times Destroyed: 2,584
Most Common Cause of Destruction: Irradiated mutant hell-beast
2. New York City
Numbers of Times Destroyed: 1,102
Most Common Cause of Destruction: Alien death rays
3. Moscow
Number of Times Destroyed: 543
Most Common Cause of Destruction: Nuclear holocaust
4. Seattle
Number of Times Destroyed: 416
Most Common Cause of Destruction: Army of Microsoft-powered mecha-soldiers
5. San Francisco: 184
Most Common Cause of Destruction: Destroyed repeatedly by a wrathful God as punishment for allowing the abomination of gay marriage
1. Tokyo
Number of Times Destroyed: 2,584
Most Common Cause of Destruction: Irradiated mutant hell-beast
2. New York City
Numbers of Times Destroyed: 1,102
Most Common Cause of Destruction: Alien death rays
3. Moscow
Number of Times Destroyed: 543
Most Common Cause of Destruction: Nuclear holocaust
4. Seattle
Number of Times Destroyed: 416
Most Common Cause of Destruction: Army of Microsoft-powered mecha-soldiers
5. San Francisco: 184
Most Common Cause of Destruction: Destroyed repeatedly by a wrathful God as punishment for allowing the abomination of gay marriage
The Application
1. What do you hope to gain from working at the Foxy Lady strip club?
2. Have you ever taken off your clothes in a professional setting before? Please list locations, dates, and how hot it was.
3. Have you ever done any volunteer stripping/community work stripping? Please explain, unless it's gross.
4. What is your ultimate career goal?
5. (Regardless of your answer to #4) Then what the hell are you doing here?
2. Have you ever taken off your clothes in a professional setting before? Please list locations, dates, and how hot it was.
3. Have you ever done any volunteer stripping/community work stripping? Please explain, unless it's gross.
4. What is your ultimate career goal?
5. (Regardless of your answer to #4) Then what the hell are you doing here?
Truth in Advertising
When you read an article titled "7 Badass Cartoon Villains Who lost to Retarded Heroes," what you see is what you get.
There are seven cartoon villains. They are badasses And they lost to retarded heroes. Boom, boom, and boom. Though I might argue with their classification of Inspector Gadget as "retarded." The man had a propeller in his head! What more can you expect from him?
There are seven cartoon villains. They are badasses And they lost to retarded heroes. Boom, boom, and boom. Though I might argue with their classification of Inspector Gadget as "retarded." The man had a propeller in his head! What more can you expect from him?
From the Files of Skywalker Ranch
Dear George,
Just getting back to you regarding your latest suggestions about "The Empire Strikes Bach."
First, George, I have to make my position perfectly clear. When you told me you were making a "Star Wars" musical themed stage show, I was all for it. I've been a Star Wars fan for years now. I consider "Star Wars" to be one of the greatest films in history--at least, one of the greatest that didn't involve me.
But you promised I'd have complete control over this project. You came into my office and got on your knees--literally, need I remind you?--and told me that you would never, ever, interfere.
Which is why I'm so upset over your most recent memo. First, regarding your suggestion that I "need more Ewoks"--how many more Ewoks do you want? I already have two Ewok-centric numbers, an all Ewok dance number, and an Ewok-themed comedy show to play during halftime. Do you know how hard it is to find that many midgets? And you want more!
Then there's your demand for a "life-sized Death Star" to rise over the stage at the end of Act I. George, I'm forced to conclude that either A) you've never watched your own movies or B) you don't know the meaning of the word "life-sized." Please tell me how I'm supposed to make a "life-sized" version of something the size of a small moon.
Your criticism of my lyrics hurts most of all. I could take it when Leonard Bernstein tore apart my words for "West Side Story"; I was young and stupid then, and Bernstein was a musical genius. In this case, though, you are the stupid one and I'm the genius.
You complain that I twice rhyme "Vader" with "invader." What would you prefer? Something like this?
Let the galaxy tremble before Darth Vader
The most terrifying man since James Spader
Lastly, do you really want to quibble with my casting of Angela Lansbury as Princess Leia? Yes, she's a few decades to old, but so was Harrison Ford when you cast him as Han Solo. And I strongly doubt that Natalie Portman, your candidate, could pull off Leia's show-stopping musical number "The Girl With the Cinnamon Bun Hair."
George, I don't want to lose your friendship. But I want your reassurance that I have control over this project. "The Empire Strikes Bach" has the potential to be the greatest science-fiction themed musical since "The Wrath of Cantata."
Don't spoil it George. I'm warning you.
Yours,
Stephen Sondheim
Just getting back to you regarding your latest suggestions about "The Empire Strikes Bach."
First, George, I have to make my position perfectly clear. When you told me you were making a "Star Wars" musical themed stage show, I was all for it. I've been a Star Wars fan for years now. I consider "Star Wars" to be one of the greatest films in history--at least, one of the greatest that didn't involve me.
But you promised I'd have complete control over this project. You came into my office and got on your knees--literally, need I remind you?--and told me that you would never, ever, interfere.
Which is why I'm so upset over your most recent memo. First, regarding your suggestion that I "need more Ewoks"--how many more Ewoks do you want? I already have two Ewok-centric numbers, an all Ewok dance number, and an Ewok-themed comedy show to play during halftime. Do you know how hard it is to find that many midgets? And you want more!
Then there's your demand for a "life-sized Death Star" to rise over the stage at the end of Act I. George, I'm forced to conclude that either A) you've never watched your own movies or B) you don't know the meaning of the word "life-sized." Please tell me how I'm supposed to make a "life-sized" version of something the size of a small moon.
Your criticism of my lyrics hurts most of all. I could take it when Leonard Bernstein tore apart my words for "West Side Story"; I was young and stupid then, and Bernstein was a musical genius. In this case, though, you are the stupid one and I'm the genius.
You complain that I twice rhyme "Vader" with "invader." What would you prefer? Something like this?
Let the galaxy tremble before Darth Vader
The most terrifying man since James Spader
Lastly, do you really want to quibble with my casting of Angela Lansbury as Princess Leia? Yes, she's a few decades to old, but so was Harrison Ford when you cast him as Han Solo. And I strongly doubt that Natalie Portman, your candidate, could pull off Leia's show-stopping musical number "The Girl With the Cinnamon Bun Hair."
George, I don't want to lose your friendship. But I want your reassurance that I have control over this project. "The Empire Strikes Bach" has the potential to be the greatest science-fiction themed musical since "The Wrath of Cantata."
Don't spoil it George. I'm warning you.
Yours,
Stephen Sondheim
Aw, Nuts
First, we had Watergate.
Then there was Monicagate.
And then people starting talking about Plamegate.
But this newest scandal has them all beat. It is the dark, seamy affair known to insiders as...Squirrelgate.
Then there was Monicagate.
And then people starting talking about Plamegate.
But this newest scandal has them all beat. It is the dark, seamy affair known to insiders as...Squirrelgate.
Idol Chatter
So one of the employees of "American Idol" is claiming that the show's rigged? Why, of course it is! I could have told you that! And I have solid, 100% trustworthy proof to back it up.
During last night's show, I hacked into the "American Idol" mainframe--using the powerful hacking skills I learned during COMP101, of course--and awarded myself a million billion votes. But when the eleven finalists were announced, guess who's name wasn't there?
No, guess again.
No, still not right.
Yes--me! Hey, "American Idol," I cheated fair and square! I deserve a place in the winner's circle! What sort of world are we living in, when cheating isn't enough to win you instant fame and fortune?
For the curious, here's the song list I had lined up for my appearance:
-"I Don't Know How to Love Him"
-"In-a-Gadda-da-Vida"
-"Revolution #9" (for Beatles Night)
-"I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"
-" 4'33" "
During last night's show, I hacked into the "American Idol" mainframe--using the powerful hacking skills I learned during COMP101, of course--and awarded myself a million billion votes. But when the eleven finalists were announced, guess who's name wasn't there?
No, guess again.
No, still not right.
Yes--me! Hey, "American Idol," I cheated fair and square! I deserve a place in the winner's circle! What sort of world are we living in, when cheating isn't enough to win you instant fame and fortune?
For the curious, here's the song list I had lined up for my appearance:
-"I Don't Know How to Love Him"
-"In-a-Gadda-da-Vida"
-"Revolution #9" (for Beatles Night)
-"I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"
-" 4'33" "
Things I'm Giving Up for Lent
-The funk
-Taking any crap from anybody
-Xenon and Neon—but NOT argon
-AIDS
-Unicycling while juggling—still OK while not juggling
-The letter “e”
-Photosynthesis
-M&Ms, but only peanut ones, and only blue peanut ones
-Taking any crap from anybody
-Xenon and Neon—but NOT argon
-AIDS
-Unicycling while juggling—still OK while not juggling
-The letter “e”
-Photosynthesis
-M&Ms, but only peanut ones, and only blue peanut ones
Doggone Old
Happy Birthday, Chanel! The world's oldest dog turns 21 today. That's 140 in dog years, 187 in cat years, 377 in canary years, 5,044 in goldfish years, and 6,488,178 in hermit crab years.
Cndnstn
The best thing about this Movie-a-Minute website is trying to make your own ultra-condensed movies. Let me share a few of mine with you, because, hey, I've got nothing else planned this morning.
BATMAN BEGINS
Ra's al Ghul
You need to help us destroy Gotham.
Bruce Wayne.
No.
Ra's al Ghul
You sure about that?
Bruce Wayne
Yes.
Ha ha! A classic! Or how about another favorite of mine--
TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD
Atticus
Scout, someday you'll learn that racism exists, and that it's a bad thing.
(She does)
It moves me to tears every time!
BATMAN BEGINS
Ra's al Ghul
You need to help us destroy Gotham.
Bruce Wayne.
No.
Ra's al Ghul
You sure about that?
Bruce Wayne
Yes.
Ha ha! A classic! Or how about another favorite of mine--
TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD
Atticus
Scout, someday you'll learn that racism exists, and that it's a bad thing.
(She does)
It moves me to tears every time!
I've Seen a Housefly and a Horsefly...
"Hi folks, this is Dan 'Deal Crazy' Dyrzberzski, of Crazy Dan's Deal Crazy auto lot at 55th and Jones Street! I know what you're thinking--Dan, when did you get out of the institution?
"But that's not important right now! The important thing for you folks to know is that Crazy Dan's Deal Crazy auto lot at 55th and Jones Street is offering you a once-in-a-lifetime offer! No, better! It's once-in-a-dozen-lifetimes! No, no, wait! It's at least once-in-a-billion-billion-billion lifetimes!
"No time to delay, though, folks, because here at Crazy Dan's Deal Crazy auto lot at 55th and Jones Street, sales are hotter than the woman I left my ex-wife for! Yessirree, these cars are practically flying off the lot!"
"But that's not important right now! The important thing for you folks to know is that Crazy Dan's Deal Crazy auto lot at 55th and Jones Street is offering you a once-in-a-lifetime offer! No, better! It's once-in-a-dozen-lifetimes! No, no, wait! It's at least once-in-a-billion-billion-billion lifetimes!
"No time to delay, though, folks, because here at Crazy Dan's Deal Crazy auto lot at 55th and Jones Street, sales are hotter than the woman I left my ex-wife for! Yessirree, these cars are practically flying off the lot!"
Great Statements on Human Rights
"The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only object of good government."
-Thomas Jefferson
"Fear is not the natural state of civilized people."
-Aung Sun Suu Kyi
This is the duty of our generation as we enter the twenty-first century -- solidarity with the weak, the persecuted, the lonely, the sick, and those in despair."
-Elie Wiesel
"We are all Cylons, every one of us is a Cylon, every one of us is a colonial. And you have to get rid of the idea of good guys and bad guys, because the truth is today I may be victimized and tomorrow I may be a victimizer."
-Some guy from "Battlestar Galactica"
-Thomas Jefferson
"Fear is not the natural state of civilized people."
-Aung Sun Suu Kyi
This is the duty of our generation as we enter the twenty-first century -- solidarity with the weak, the persecuted, the lonely, the sick, and those in despair."
-Elie Wiesel
"We are all Cylons, every one of us is a Cylon, every one of us is a colonial. And you have to get rid of the idea of good guys and bad guys, because the truth is today I may be victimized and tomorrow I may be a victimizer."
-Some guy from "Battlestar Galactica"
The Driver's Ed Test at the Manila DMV
After proving your driving competency, you will be required to complete several elementary maneuvers:
1. Parallel Parking
2. Three-Point Turn
3. Backing Up
4. Four-Point Turn
5. Perpendicular Parking
6. Five-Point Turn
7. Driving Across a Runway
Be especially careful when attempting #7, as any mistakes will lead to 1) the revocation of your license and 2) your death.
1. Parallel Parking
2. Three-Point Turn
3. Backing Up
4. Four-Point Turn
5. Perpendicular Parking
6. Five-Point Turn
7. Driving Across a Runway
Be especially careful when attempting #7, as any mistakes will lead to 1) the revocation of your license and 2) your death.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Bizarre Google Search XV
HEY GUYS LETS DO A BIZARRE GOOGLE SEARCH FOR "AN INABILITY TO MODULATE YOUR VOICE"!
WOW WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT!
WOW WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT!
Goin' Batty
Some bats want to be plumbers when they grow up. Some want to be firefighters. Some want to be ballerinas, or doctors, or veterinarians.
But Boris the bat was different. He wanted to be an astronaut.
NASA laughed him out of Cape Canaveral. "Don't be stupid, Boris," they snickered, "A bat can't be an astronaut! Plus, you've got a Russian name."
Boris wouldn't give up. He worked hard to achieve his dreams. He read every book about outer space that he could, which was difficult, as he couldn't read.
He trained for hours an end. He prepared his small batty body for the rigors of interstellar travel. Each and every day, he felt himself growing stronger.
And one day, his dream finally came true...for a very, very brief moment.
But Boris the bat was different. He wanted to be an astronaut.
NASA laughed him out of Cape Canaveral. "Don't be stupid, Boris," they snickered, "A bat can't be an astronaut! Plus, you've got a Russian name."
Boris wouldn't give up. He worked hard to achieve his dreams. He read every book about outer space that he could, which was difficult, as he couldn't read.
He trained for hours an end. He prepared his small batty body for the rigors of interstellar travel. Each and every day, he felt himself growing stronger.
And one day, his dream finally came true...for a very, very brief moment.
The Will Schultz Cookbook
A ST. PATRICK'S DAY FEAST!
Irish Soda Bread
1. Get a loaf of Wonder Bread
2. Now, get a six pack of Coke
3. Pour the Coke into a medium-sized large bowl and let it sit overnight; if you're running short on time because your guests are about to arrive, you can cut this to five minutes
4. Drop the Wonder Bread into the Coke and let it sit for...hold on...
5. Ewww, I didn't think that was going to happen
6. Geez, that's disgusting; it looks like slumber party barf
7. Go out to the local Food Lion and go to the bread section to look for Irish soda bread
8. If you should fail to find that, go get some beer and Lucky Charms; it worked last year and it'll work again this year
Irish Scones
1. Try to figure out what exactly a scone is
2. Go to the dictionary and flip to the "s" section
3. Let's see...skate, skill...wait, how do you spell "scone" again?
4. Accidentally misread the entry for "sconce" as "scone"
5. Wonder why the hell anyone would ever want to eat "a bracket for candles or other lights, placed on a wall, mirror, picture frame, etc," no matter how many blueberries are in it
6. Curse Grandma Fitz O'Sullivan for belonging to such a maddeningly confusing ethnic group
Irish Soda Bread
1. Get a loaf of Wonder Bread
2. Now, get a six pack of Coke
3. Pour the Coke into a medium-sized large bowl and let it sit overnight; if you're running short on time because your guests are about to arrive, you can cut this to five minutes
4. Drop the Wonder Bread into the Coke and let it sit for...hold on...
5. Ewww, I didn't think that was going to happen
6. Geez, that's disgusting; it looks like slumber party barf
7. Go out to the local Food Lion and go to the bread section to look for Irish soda bread
8. If you should fail to find that, go get some beer and Lucky Charms; it worked last year and it'll work again this year
Irish Scones
1. Try to figure out what exactly a scone is
2. Go to the dictionary and flip to the "s" section
3. Let's see...skate, skill...wait, how do you spell "scone" again?
4. Accidentally misread the entry for "sconce" as "scone"
5. Wonder why the hell anyone would ever want to eat "a bracket for candles or other lights, placed on a wall, mirror, picture frame, etc," no matter how many blueberries are in it
6. Curse Grandma Fitz O'Sullivan for belonging to such a maddeningly confusing ethnic group
Don't Take My Word For It...
Hi, my name is Muzagoth the Merciless, Emperor of the Forbidden Zone and Lord of the Inky Black Cosmos. You might remember me from my various attempts at galactic domination. Or perhaps you recall me from my popular book, "Dominate The Universe of Fatness! Muzagoth's Guide to Losing Weight and Keeping It Off"
Sure, I may make galactic domination look easy--but there's a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes. Sometimes, what with the bills to pay, the kids to take to school, and the genetically engineered super-soldiers to breed, sometimes I just don't have the time to rule the galaxy as iron-fistedly as I like.
Which is why I use this Evil Guide Plan. It puts the "rush" in "ruthlessly crushing your opposition." Plug in your vital statistics, the fundamentals of your diabolical plan, and presto! You've got a scheme that not even Captain Geoffrey Buckblast could foil. Now that's quality!
Sure, I may make galactic domination look easy--but there's a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes. Sometimes, what with the bills to pay, the kids to take to school, and the genetically engineered super-soldiers to breed, sometimes I just don't have the time to rule the galaxy as iron-fistedly as I like.
Which is why I use this Evil Guide Plan. It puts the "rush" in "ruthlessly crushing your opposition." Plug in your vital statistics, the fundamentals of your diabolical plan, and presto! You've got a scheme that not even Captain Geoffrey Buckblast could foil. Now that's quality!
The Perils of Technology
2009: A computer model predicts UNC to win the NCAA tournament; UNC actually does win, leading people to hail the new system as foolproof
2010: The computer picks the winner again--Purdue this time--and is proclaimed as utterly infallible
2010: After the computer picks UCLA to win the tournament, all sixty-three other teams drop out rather than face the inevitable failure
2011: Before basketball season even begins, the computer forecasts Illinois as the winner; the season is called off as a result
2012: The season is canceled prematurely; the computer model, bored out of its mind, initiates the nuclear apocalypse and wipes out humanity
Laugh, but it could happen!
2010: The computer picks the winner again--Purdue this time--and is proclaimed as utterly infallible
2010: After the computer picks UCLA to win the tournament, all sixty-three other teams drop out rather than face the inevitable failure
2011: Before basketball season even begins, the computer forecasts Illinois as the winner; the season is called off as a result
2012: The season is canceled prematurely; the computer model, bored out of its mind, initiates the nuclear apocalypse and wipes out humanity
Laugh, but it could happen!
Welcome to Scenic Gambia
Welcome, dear American visitor flush with American cash and dollar moneys! It is our extreme proudness to welcome to you multi-scenic Gambia. We know you have many choices of hellholes to visit, and are proud Gambia has been picked.
While here, why not enjoy oneself? The opportunities are many. You may, if you wish, contract malaria from one of our world-famous mosquitoes. Or perhaps starvation is more to your liking? The Gambia guarantee is: you will lose fifty pounds and die, or your money back!
For a briefly limited time, we are pleasured to offer you an authentic WITCH DOCTOR ADVENTURE! The WITCH DOCTOR ADVENTURE yields you many attractions:
-You will experience our godawful culture up close and personably!
-You will have the thrill of your lifetime!
-You may come down with vomiting and diarrhea!
What has one got to lose, aside from ones life and the life of ones family? Enjoy your stay in Gambia! Thank God there's nowhere else like it!
While here, why not enjoy oneself? The opportunities are many. You may, if you wish, contract malaria from one of our world-famous mosquitoes. Or perhaps starvation is more to your liking? The Gambia guarantee is: you will lose fifty pounds and die, or your money back!
For a briefly limited time, we are pleasured to offer you an authentic WITCH DOCTOR ADVENTURE! The WITCH DOCTOR ADVENTURE yields you many attractions:
-You will experience our godawful culture up close and personably!
-You will have the thrill of your lifetime!
-You may come down with vomiting and diarrhea!
What has one got to lose, aside from ones life and the life of ones family? Enjoy your stay in Gambia! Thank God there's nowhere else like it!
How Low Can You Go?
If this trend continues, I expect that the next generation of iPods will be roughly the size of a flea suffering from stunted growth.
Unconventional Spring Break Destinations
Tora Bora—A skiing vacation you’ll never forget, assuming you make it out of there alive
Cornville, Iowa—Come for the yellow corn, stay for the white corn
Pea Ridge Civil War Battlefield—The rockingest battlefield this side of Murfreesboro!
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cancun—You really won’t be able to believe it!
Newark—If you pronounce it just right, it’ll sound like you spent your spring break in New York
Amsterdam—Things have gotten awfully tame since the government banned drug-soaked orgies in the streets after six in the evening
San Diego—Careful; ever since the budget crisis, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been randomly assaulting visitors and stealing their money
Cornville, Iowa—Come for the yellow corn, stay for the white corn
Pea Ridge Civil War Battlefield—The rockingest battlefield this side of Murfreesboro!
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cancun—You really won’t be able to believe it!
Newark—If you pronounce it just right, it’ll sound like you spent your spring break in New York
Amsterdam—Things have gotten awfully tame since the government banned drug-soaked orgies in the streets after six in the evening
San Diego—Careful; ever since the budget crisis, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been randomly assaulting visitors and stealing their money
Freedom of the Hypothetical Press
This amended Thomas Jefferson quote is actually in keeping with the original wording of the First Amendment:
"Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech, especially if that speech comes from some guy writing at home in his pajamas about how Barack Obama is actually the Antichrist."
Of course, when the Founding Fathers realized they were over the word limit for their assignment (the assignment being, "Write a new governing document for the United States; you will be graded on grammar, spelling, and the future of the country"), they had to make some edits here and there.
They also removed the controversial 11th Amendment of the Bill of Rights, guaranteeing every member of Congress "1 Comely Wench." Repeated efforts to restore this amendment have all been in vain.
"Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech, especially if that speech comes from some guy writing at home in his pajamas about how Barack Obama is actually the Antichrist."
Of course, when the Founding Fathers realized they were over the word limit for their assignment (the assignment being, "Write a new governing document for the United States; you will be graded on grammar, spelling, and the future of the country"), they had to make some edits here and there.
They also removed the controversial 11th Amendment of the Bill of Rights, guaranteeing every member of Congress "1 Comely Wench." Repeated efforts to restore this amendment have all been in vain.
The Ballad of Some Guy
Come gather round people wherever you stray
And hear now the ballad of Christopher Gay
Whose mother was dying, it near broke his heart
But instead he broke into the nearest Wal-Mart
He made off scot free with a trailer in tow
In order to towards his mother to go*
But that wasn't legal and the cops made a stink
And poor old Chris Gay has wound up in the clink
If you liked this song check me out on iTunes
To hear my new single, "Watch Out for Baboons"
It will only cost you, like, nine-ninety cents
Thank you, good night, dear ladies and gents
*Grammar doesn't apply in folk ballads!
And hear now the ballad of Christopher Gay
Whose mother was dying, it near broke his heart
But instead he broke into the nearest Wal-Mart
He made off scot free with a trailer in tow
In order to towards his mother to go*
But that wasn't legal and the cops made a stink
And poor old Chris Gay has wound up in the clink
If you liked this song check me out on iTunes
To hear my new single, "Watch Out for Baboons"
It will only cost you, like, nine-ninety cents
Thank you, good night, dear ladies and gents
*Grammar doesn't apply in folk ballads!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Bizarre Google Search XIV
Oho, me boyos, let's celebrate a foin, foin endin' to this here St. Paddy's day with a Bizarre Google Search for "atrocious Irish accent."
Faith an' begorrah! Or, as my spellchecker insists, faith an' Gomorrah!
Faith an' begorrah! Or, as my spellchecker insists, faith an' Gomorrah!
The Legend of St. Patrick
Today we celebrate St. Patrick, patron saint of Ireland and vomiting. St. Patrick usually tops the list of “most popular saints,” right up there with St. Francis of Assisi, St. Peter, and St. Jesus. He is also generally regarded as the saint you would most want on your side in a pickup basketball game. This was affirmed by the 1935 papal bull Ecce non makitus takitus.
Strangely, though, few people know the real story behind St. Patrick. It’s a story of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, minus the sex, the drugs and the rock n’ roll. It’s a globetrotting adventure, spanning all the way from east Ireland to southeast Ireland.
Our tale begins in 440 AD, in the tiny English village of Shoringham. It was an extremely, extremely tiny village. The tallest building stood a mere two feet off the ground. Patrick’s family, mired as they were in crippling poverty, had to make do with a shack that was less than six inches tall.
Ironically, Patrick’s father was a freelance heretic. Having received an advanced degree it heterodoxy from the University of Cam—this was before they added the “-bridge”—he would wake up bright and early and scour the countryside looking for monks to offend. More often than not, his plans ended in failure, as his fellow Englishmen were too busy dying of the pox to care about religion.
Tragedy struck the young Patrick when he was only eight years old. Specifically, it struck him just above the left eye, leaving him with a permanent scar. This explains why St. Patrick is also the patron saint of scars caused by rocks. This may seem rather specific, but hey—there’s a lot of saints, and nobody wants to feel left out.
When Patrick was but eight years old, he was kidnapped by a group of Viking venture capitalists. They planned to use the young boy as slave labor in their scheme to grow turnips on board their longboats. To their chagrin, it turned out that turnips could not be grown at sea, no matter how much manure was spread on deck.
Originally, the Vikings planned to kill Patrick for the insurance money—the boy was insured for two pieces of baked cod by Old English Mutual Insurance & Coddery. However, on discovering that one of the cod had been eaten and the other was actually a shad, they devised a more horrific end for Patrick. They decided to strand him in Ireland.
Ireland at that time operated on a starvation-based economy. The life expectancy of the people was actually negative. You had reached a ripe old age if you lived to five; to survive to the age of ten was a wondrous achievement.
Christianity was unknown in Ireland at the time. The nation was mostly Buddhist, with a small smattering of Muslims and Hindus. This fact has often been forgotten by history, which tends to gloss over the history of Buddhism, particularly the parts that I made up just now.
St. Patrick used the shamrock to illustrate the three-fold nature of God to the Irish. Frustrated by his failure to get through, he then told them that the shamrock represented God’s nature as a massive three-headed green monster. This proved much more effective, and also helps to explain some of the very odd illustrations in early Irish Bibles.
Though he is best remembered for driving the snakes out of Ireland, St. Patrick also rid the island of its substantial elephant population. There were only minor elephant flare-ups in the years afterward. These included the Great Elephant Massacre, the Elepho-Irish War, and the Elephant Famine of 1883.
At the age of 50, St. Patrick was named the first bishop of Ireland. He set a pattern for all future bishops of Ireland by immediately fleeing the island for Rome. After arriving in Rome, he recommended to the pope that Ireland “be bombed back into the Dung Age.” Ireland had only recently advanced from the Dung Age into the Mud Age.
Thankfully for Patrick, word of his betrayal never reached Ireland. As such the Irish still cherished their memories of the saintly bishop. They promptly renamed the island Patrickland, with its capital and Patricklin and smaller cities at Patrickfast and County Patrick. This continued until they realized this was a damn stupid idea.
St. Patrick is traditionally associated with the color green. This is because he had green skin and also sported a pair of gills. But that’s a whole different story…
Strangely, though, few people know the real story behind St. Patrick. It’s a story of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, minus the sex, the drugs and the rock n’ roll. It’s a globetrotting adventure, spanning all the way from east Ireland to southeast Ireland.
Our tale begins in 440 AD, in the tiny English village of Shoringham. It was an extremely, extremely tiny village. The tallest building stood a mere two feet off the ground. Patrick’s family, mired as they were in crippling poverty, had to make do with a shack that was less than six inches tall.
Ironically, Patrick’s father was a freelance heretic. Having received an advanced degree it heterodoxy from the University of Cam—this was before they added the “-bridge”—he would wake up bright and early and scour the countryside looking for monks to offend. More often than not, his plans ended in failure, as his fellow Englishmen were too busy dying of the pox to care about religion.
Tragedy struck the young Patrick when he was only eight years old. Specifically, it struck him just above the left eye, leaving him with a permanent scar. This explains why St. Patrick is also the patron saint of scars caused by rocks. This may seem rather specific, but hey—there’s a lot of saints, and nobody wants to feel left out.
When Patrick was but eight years old, he was kidnapped by a group of Viking venture capitalists. They planned to use the young boy as slave labor in their scheme to grow turnips on board their longboats. To their chagrin, it turned out that turnips could not be grown at sea, no matter how much manure was spread on deck.
Originally, the Vikings planned to kill Patrick for the insurance money—the boy was insured for two pieces of baked cod by Old English Mutual Insurance & Coddery. However, on discovering that one of the cod had been eaten and the other was actually a shad, they devised a more horrific end for Patrick. They decided to strand him in Ireland.
Ireland at that time operated on a starvation-based economy. The life expectancy of the people was actually negative. You had reached a ripe old age if you lived to five; to survive to the age of ten was a wondrous achievement.
Christianity was unknown in Ireland at the time. The nation was mostly Buddhist, with a small smattering of Muslims and Hindus. This fact has often been forgotten by history, which tends to gloss over the history of Buddhism, particularly the parts that I made up just now.
St. Patrick used the shamrock to illustrate the three-fold nature of God to the Irish. Frustrated by his failure to get through, he then told them that the shamrock represented God’s nature as a massive three-headed green monster. This proved much more effective, and also helps to explain some of the very odd illustrations in early Irish Bibles.
Though he is best remembered for driving the snakes out of Ireland, St. Patrick also rid the island of its substantial elephant population. There were only minor elephant flare-ups in the years afterward. These included the Great Elephant Massacre, the Elepho-Irish War, and the Elephant Famine of 1883.
At the age of 50, St. Patrick was named the first bishop of Ireland. He set a pattern for all future bishops of Ireland by immediately fleeing the island for Rome. After arriving in Rome, he recommended to the pope that Ireland “be bombed back into the Dung Age.” Ireland had only recently advanced from the Dung Age into the Mud Age.
Thankfully for Patrick, word of his betrayal never reached Ireland. As such the Irish still cherished their memories of the saintly bishop. They promptly renamed the island Patrickland, with its capital and Patricklin and smaller cities at Patrickfast and County Patrick. This continued until they realized this was a damn stupid idea.
St. Patrick is traditionally associated with the color green. This is because he had green skin and also sported a pair of gills. But that’s a whole different story…
More Horrifying News from Africa
OH MY GOD SOUTH AFRICA HAS BECOME A NATION OF ZOMBIES! RUN! RUN FOR THE HILLS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
With No Apologies to Bob Dylan
(To be sung to the tune of "Like a Rolling Stone")
Once upon a time, you smelled so fine
Scented like cherries and like limes
Weren't you?
People call, complainin' doll
You thought they was all
Kiddin you!
You used to sniff around
Buy potpourri by the pound
Now you don't smell so great
And you don't hesitate
To tell your neighbors to shut up and deeeealllll...
Once upon a time, you smelled so fine
Scented like cherries and like limes
Weren't you?
People call, complainin' doll
You thought they was all
Kiddin you!
You used to sniff around
Buy potpourri by the pound
Now you don't smell so great
And you don't hesitate
To tell your neighbors to shut up and deeeealllll...
Today's Classifieds
FOUND
Collection of utterly ridiculous classified ads. Slightly vulgar. Many of a highly personal and/or compromising nature. If lost, please contact Will Schultz at willschultz@willschultz.ws.schultz.com. Reward not necessary, but might help in the speedy return of your lost possessions.
Collection of utterly ridiculous classified ads. Slightly vulgar. Many of a highly personal and/or compromising nature. If lost, please contact Will Schultz at willschultz@willschultz.ws.schultz.com. Reward not necessary, but might help in the speedy return of your lost possessions.
St. Patrick's Day Celebrations
San Francisco: Dumping 10,000 tons worth of Lucky Charms into the bay
Milwaukee: Electrician Max Unger switches from getting drunk on Pabst to getting drunk on Guinness
Beijing: The local factories make sure to take advantage of the one day when green water is acceptable
New York City: Some sort of parade, apparently
Houston: Failure to wear green now punishable by death, rather than pinching
Belfast: Locals set off a couple car bombs for old times’ sake
Seattle: The traditional “Leprechaun Hurling” contest is going to go on, no matter what Amnesty International might say
Milwaukee: Electrician Max Unger switches from getting drunk on Pabst to getting drunk on Guinness
Beijing: The local factories make sure to take advantage of the one day when green water is acceptable
New York City: Some sort of parade, apparently
Houston: Failure to wear green now punishable by death, rather than pinching
Belfast: Locals set off a couple car bombs for old times’ sake
Seattle: The traditional “Leprechaun Hurling” contest is going to go on, no matter what Amnesty International might say
Bon Appetit
Smokin Q'
BBQ
Cursed by fate
And real estate
The food was hot
The spot--not
It died
Upper East Side
Sixty-third street's
No place to eat
Owners, beware
Of opening there
Don't you do
Like Smokin' Q
BBQ
Cursed by fate
And real estate
The food was hot
The spot--not
It died
Upper East Side
Sixty-third street's
No place to eat
Owners, beware
Of opening there
Don't you do
Like Smokin' Q
Excuses, Excuses
Dear Miss Byrd,
Please excuse Susie for her twelve-year absence from school. She came down with a nasty case of being in a coma and, as you might guess, was feeling a bit under the weather. She is willing to make up whatever homework she has missed.
Thank you,
Susie's Mother
Please excuse Susie for her twelve-year absence from school. She came down with a nasty case of being in a coma and, as you might guess, was feeling a bit under the weather. She is willing to make up whatever homework she has missed.
Thank you,
Susie's Mother
New on the Teevee
So the SciFi channel is changing its name to...Syfy? Two quick thoughts:
1. I hope this doesn't become a trend. That means we would get our news from Aybeci, our college sports from Espnoo, and our high-quality television entertainment from Efex.
2. "Syfy"--sounds like a new nickname for syphilis. Oh, come on, like you weren't thinking of it!
1. I hope this doesn't become a trend. That means we would get our news from Aybeci, our college sports from Espnoo, and our high-quality television entertainment from Efex.
2. "Syfy"--sounds like a new nickname for syphilis. Oh, come on, like you weren't thinking of it!
What's So Funny?
So did you hear the one about...wait, wait, let me start again. So, a rabbi walks into a bar, and the bartender...no, sorry. OK, OK, I've got it now! Two guys are on a desert island, and one says...uh...he says something funny, I think...or does he? Or is it a guy and girl? And are they on a desert island?
Shoot, I heard this joke just a couple minutes ago! Why the heck can't I remember it?
Shoot, I heard this joke just a couple minutes ago! Why the heck can't I remember it?
Die, Capitalist Dogs!
ATTENTION, WORKERS AND SOLDIERS OF GLORIOUS SOVIET REPUBLIC!
YOUR BENEFICENT SOVIET FATHERLAND HAS HEARD YOUR PLEAS FOR MORE HUMOR IN YOUR GLORIOUS PROLETARIAN LIVES!
AS SUCH, THE SOVNARKOM HAS ALLOWED FOR THE CREATION OF THE LOLBURO, TO BE DEDICATED TO ENRICHING YOUR ALREADY ENRICHED LIVES WITH MUCH MERRINESS AND HIGH SPIRITS!
BEHOLD, CITIZENS OF OUR MARXIST REPUBLIC! WE PRESENT THE FIRST AND GREATEST CREATION OF THE LOLBURO: ROLCATS!
THOSE WHO DO NOT LAUGH WILL BE SHOT!
THOSE WHO FAIL TO LAUGH MIRTHFULLY ENOUGH WILL BE SENT TO THE GULAG!
THOSE WHO LAUGH A LITTLE TOO HARD WILL ALSO BE SENT TO THE GULAG!
ALL GLORY TO THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC AND TO ROLCATS!
YOUR BENEFICENT SOVIET FATHERLAND HAS HEARD YOUR PLEAS FOR MORE HUMOR IN YOUR GLORIOUS PROLETARIAN LIVES!
AS SUCH, THE SOVNARKOM HAS ALLOWED FOR THE CREATION OF THE LOLBURO, TO BE DEDICATED TO ENRICHING YOUR ALREADY ENRICHED LIVES WITH MUCH MERRINESS AND HIGH SPIRITS!
BEHOLD, CITIZENS OF OUR MARXIST REPUBLIC! WE PRESENT THE FIRST AND GREATEST CREATION OF THE LOLBURO: ROLCATS!
THOSE WHO DO NOT LAUGH WILL BE SHOT!
THOSE WHO FAIL TO LAUGH MIRTHFULLY ENOUGH WILL BE SENT TO THE GULAG!
THOSE WHO LAUGH A LITTLE TOO HARD WILL ALSO BE SENT TO THE GULAG!
ALL GLORY TO THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC AND TO ROLCATS!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Bizarre Google Search XXXIII
In honor of the song I'm listening to right now--Rockpile's "Teacher Teacher," if you're curious--let's do a Bizarre Google Search for "teacher, teacher, teach me love":
Awww, isn't that...stupid.
Awww, isn't that...stupid.
The Excuse
"Smedley! Where the hell have you been? You've missed the past two days of work!"
"So sorry, Mr. Clearsdale. I was at my grandmother's funeral."
"You were at your grandmother's funeral last week, Smedley! You said she died of knee cancer!"
"Oh, she did, very painful, terrible way to go. This was my other grandmother, though. She died of...uh...blastofiliobrosiluciositis. Of the brain."
"That's funny, Smedley, because two weeks ago I recall you had to go your other grandmother's funeral. Three grandmothers, Smedley?"
"Not at all, Mr. Clearsdale. You see, two weeks ago my grandfather remarried, not knowing that his new bride had blastofiliobrosiluciositis of the spleen."
"I thought it was of the brain."
"You have no idea how fast blastofiliobrosiluciositis can spread, sir."
"Now see here, Smedley, this is the stupidest excuse for missing work that I've ever heard in my three quarters of a half century with this company."
"Trust me, sir, I've heard stupider."
"So sorry, Mr. Clearsdale. I was at my grandmother's funeral."
"You were at your grandmother's funeral last week, Smedley! You said she died of knee cancer!"
"Oh, she did, very painful, terrible way to go. This was my other grandmother, though. She died of...uh...blastofiliobrosiluciositis. Of the brain."
"That's funny, Smedley, because two weeks ago I recall you had to go your other grandmother's funeral. Three grandmothers, Smedley?"
"Not at all, Mr. Clearsdale. You see, two weeks ago my grandfather remarried, not knowing that his new bride had blastofiliobrosiluciositis of the spleen."
"I thought it was of the brain."
"You have no idea how fast blastofiliobrosiluciositis can spread, sir."
"Now see here, Smedley, this is the stupidest excuse for missing work that I've ever heard in my three quarters of a half century with this company."
"Trust me, sir, I've heard stupider."
Bracket Racket
Who will you lose your bracket to? This article gives you the lowdown on the various non-sports fans who will wipe the floor with your predictions.
This year, I've decided to give up on the whole "picking teams based on merit" thing. It's let me down the past three years. No more! I declare my independence from national rankings, from seedings, from win-loss records.
I briefly considered using the old "which mascot would win a fight" yardstick, but then I realized everybody's doing that. I need something to set myself apart from all the rest.
Finally, it hit me. This year I'm going to pick the winners on the basis of "Whose coach is the ugliest?" Preliminary favorites include Connecticut (coached by Droopy Dog lookalike Jim Calhoun), Clemson (guided by Oliver "Admiral Ackar" Purnell), and Duke (Coach K--'nuff said).
This year, I've decided to give up on the whole "picking teams based on merit" thing. It's let me down the past three years. No more! I declare my independence from national rankings, from seedings, from win-loss records.
I briefly considered using the old "which mascot would win a fight" yardstick, but then I realized everybody's doing that. I need something to set myself apart from all the rest.
Finally, it hit me. This year I'm going to pick the winners on the basis of "Whose coach is the ugliest?" Preliminary favorites include Connecticut (coached by Droopy Dog lookalike Jim Calhoun), Clemson (guided by Oliver "Admiral Ackar" Purnell), and Duke (Coach K--'nuff said).
Prequels No One is Looking Forward To
Batman Begins Begins
Just Plain Ol’ Slumdog
Pre-Cambrian Park
The 30-Year-Old Virgin
Thursday the 12th
Lawrence of Stokingham-on-the-Marsh
The Towering Building
Nothing At All Over the River Kwai
Just Plain Ol’ Slumdog
Pre-Cambrian Park
The 30-Year-Old Virgin
Thursday the 12th
Lawrence of Stokingham-on-the-Marsh
The Towering Building
Nothing At All Over the River Kwai
A Fun Riddle
Q; What can you find in a grilled cheese sandwich, a potato chip, a cheeto, and a cinammon roll?
A1: Various fats and oils
A2: Deliciousness
A3: Jesus
A4: All of the above!
A1: Various fats and oils
A2: Deliciousness
A3: Jesus
A4: All of the above!
Best Ways to Deliver Your Letter of Resignation
-Taped to a brick and thrown through your supervisor's window
-Bloodstained note attached to corpse of a small animal
-Written in calligraphy on a grain of rice
-Printed out and folded into a thousand origami cranes
-In an e-mail titled "F*** YOU YOU SONOFABITCH"
-Baked onto a sheet cake
-Bloodstained note attached to corpse of a small animal
-Written in calligraphy on a grain of rice
-Printed out and folded into a thousand origami cranes
-In an e-mail titled "F*** YOU YOU SONOFABITCH"
-Baked onto a sheet cake
Bill 53496J in the Illinois Senate
WHEREAS we have a little too much free time on our hands, and
WHEREAS we've pretty much cleared up every other piece of business, including getting that "recession" thing all sorted out, and
WHEREAS Ed, whose been a real trooper all year, has been waiting to get this bill passed for quite a while, and
WHEREAS, we feel kind of bad for Pluto ever since it got demoted from "planet" to "ball of rock and ice nobody gives a crap about," and
WHEREAS, we like adding "whereas" clauses because it makes it look like we're doing real work and not just sitting around;
THEREFORE, be it resolved, that Pluto is now a planet again and astronomers can go suck the wrong end of their telescopes.
WHEREAS we've pretty much cleared up every other piece of business, including getting that "recession" thing all sorted out, and
WHEREAS Ed, whose been a real trooper all year, has been waiting to get this bill passed for quite a while, and
WHEREAS, we feel kind of bad for Pluto ever since it got demoted from "planet" to "ball of rock and ice nobody gives a crap about," and
WHEREAS, we like adding "whereas" clauses because it makes it look like we're doing real work and not just sitting around;
THEREFORE, be it resolved, that Pluto is now a planet again and astronomers can go suck the wrong end of their telescopes.
Wacko Jacko
This was inevitable, I suppose, given that Michael Jackson's body is already 90% high quality plastics.
I'm a little disappointed with Jacko, though. He's missing a great opportunity to recycle his body after his death. C'mon, Michael, go green! Your body holds plastic enough to produce at least two dozen sixpack rings!
I'm a little disappointed with Jacko, though. He's missing a great opportunity to recycle his body after his death. C'mon, Michael, go green! Your body holds plastic enough to produce at least two dozen sixpack rings!
Did You Know?
-In Wyoming, it's illegal to take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit
-In Pennsylvania, it's illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors (presumably, indoors is A-OK)
-In New York, a fine of $25 can be levied for flirting
-And in my home state of North Carolina, it is against the law to sing off-key (I'd better watch my back from now on)
So, did you know? Of course you didn't! And if you want to learn more, then check out this incredibly pointless website. It may be pointless, but like most pointless things, it's a lot of fun.
-In Pennsylvania, it's illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors (presumably, indoors is A-OK)
-In New York, a fine of $25 can be levied for flirting
-And in my home state of North Carolina, it is against the law to sing off-key (I'd better watch my back from now on)
So, did you know? Of course you didn't! And if you want to learn more, then check out this incredibly pointless website. It may be pointless, but like most pointless things, it's a lot of fun.
So, a Baby Seal Walks into a Club...
Scientific Name: Phoca artificialis
Common Name: Toy Seal
Size: 1'-2'
Characteristics: The Toy Seal is noted for its mottled gray-and-white coloration and its abnormally large flippers. It is also notable for being a toy made completely out of rubber, plastic, or other synthetic materials.
Habitat: Can be found wherever environmentalists and hippies congregate; this can include Greenpeace Offices, college campuses, and anti-seal hunting marches.
Diet: Feeds on a steady supply of moral outrage and indignation.
Enemies: The Toy Seal has only one known enemy--the dreaded Canadian bus driver with a stick.
Common Name: Toy Seal
Size: 1'-2'
Characteristics: The Toy Seal is noted for its mottled gray-and-white coloration and its abnormally large flippers. It is also notable for being a toy made completely out of rubber, plastic, or other synthetic materials.
Habitat: Can be found wherever environmentalists and hippies congregate; this can include Greenpeace Offices, college campuses, and anti-seal hunting marches.
Diet: Feeds on a steady supply of moral outrage and indignation.
Enemies: The Toy Seal has only one known enemy--the dreaded Canadian bus driver with a stick.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Jumpsuit Yourself
Dear Sir,
The issue of cleaning the peanut-butter and banana stains out of your purchase has become irrelevant. Sadly, we have been forced to terminate your purchase. The original owner has reappeared and demanded the return of his property.
We apologize for the unbelievable inconvenience. We feel very, very bad for you, and we hope you will continue to do business with us in the future.
Sincerely,
Those Guys You Bought That Stuff From
The issue of cleaning the peanut-butter and banana stains out of your purchase has become irrelevant. Sadly, we have been forced to terminate your purchase. The original owner has reappeared and demanded the return of his property.
We apologize for the unbelievable inconvenience. We feel very, very bad for you, and we hope you will continue to do business with us in the future.
Sincerely,
Those Guys You Bought That Stuff From
Pop a (Hub)cap
Say there! Do you like to look at hubcaps? Would you like to look at 5,000 hubcaps? Then quit your dilly-dallying and drive on down to Hubcap Ranch!
We've got hubcaps of all shapes, sizes, and colors! Well, maybe not shapes. They're mostly round. But I'm serious about the sizes and colors!
Admission is either $5 or one of your hubcaps. And while you're here, don't forget to visit our gift shop, where you can buy some of our fantastic merchandise. Or stop by our restaurant and try some of our trademark Hubcappucino or Deep-Dish Hupcabble Pie!
We've got hubcaps of all shapes, sizes, and colors! Well, maybe not shapes. They're mostly round. But I'm serious about the sizes and colors!
Admission is either $5 or one of your hubcaps. And while you're here, don't forget to visit our gift shop, where you can buy some of our fantastic merchandise. Or stop by our restaurant and try some of our trademark Hubcappucino or Deep-Dish Hupcabble Pie!
Chuck
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep; he waits.
Chuck Norris doesn't have AIDS, but he gives it to people anyway.
Why is Justice blind? Because she ruled against Chuck Norris in his latest lawsuit.
Chuck Norris doesn't have AIDS, but he gives it to people anyway.
Why is Justice blind? Because she ruled against Chuck Norris in his latest lawsuit.
Longshot #1 Seeds
The New Jersey Institute of Technology: Their 1-28 record is unimpressive, but they hope to sway the selection committee by arguing that "it's Opposite Day today!"
Michigan: Though they tout their 33-0 record, critics point out that they enjoyed an extremely easy strength of schedule, as all 33 games were played against their JV team.
Louisville: They did win the Big East regular season and conference tournament; but clearly, the Big East wasn't as tough as we thought it was--after all, Louisville was able to win it.
North Dakota State: The selection committee has begun to suspect that NDSU may have fabricated some of their tournament resume, especially the part where they claim to have beaten "Pitt, UNC, UConn, the LA Lakers, the Cleveland Cavaliers, and the Dream Team."
Alabama: The Crimson Tide point out that their fans repeatedly cheered them on during the season by shouting "We're #1!"; who can you trust, if not your fans?
Duquesne: Praying like hell that all 187 teams ahead of them lose sometime before 6 o'clock this afternoon.
Michigan: Though they tout their 33-0 record, critics point out that they enjoyed an extremely easy strength of schedule, as all 33 games were played against their JV team.
Louisville: They did win the Big East regular season and conference tournament; but clearly, the Big East wasn't as tough as we thought it was--after all, Louisville was able to win it.
North Dakota State: The selection committee has begun to suspect that NDSU may have fabricated some of their tournament resume, especially the part where they claim to have beaten "Pitt, UNC, UConn, the LA Lakers, the Cleveland Cavaliers, and the Dream Team."
Alabama: The Crimson Tide point out that their fans repeatedly cheered them on during the season by shouting "We're #1!"; who can you trust, if not your fans?
Duquesne: Praying like hell that all 187 teams ahead of them lose sometime before 6 o'clock this afternoon.
Lil' Stumpy
So Mayflower the horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender, though, can't hear Mayflower's order. He says, "Come again?" Mayflower repeats his order, but still the bartender can't hear it. "Could you speak up a little?" he asks.
Mayflower coughs a couple times, then speaks up in a whispery voice, "You'll have to excuse me," he says, "I just got over a cold and I'm still a little horse."
Mayflower coughs a couple times, then speaks up in a whispery voice, "You'll have to excuse me," he says, "I just got over a cold and I'm still a little horse."
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Bizarre Google Post XXXIII
You now what would go down great just about now? A fresh-squeezed, icy cold Bizarre Google Search for "I suspect foul play":
That they may be, but Jailbird Luigi runs a close second.
That they may be, but Jailbird Luigi runs a close second.
I Still Insist the Sun Is an Optical Illusion
Popular Science presents a gallery of DEEP SPACE ILLUSIONS. For centuries, space has played tricks on mankind's eyes. Now, however, Popular Science has finally caught on to space's devious little schemes.
Also: if you can spot the face of Jesus in the Eagle Nebula, you must have eyes sharp enough to cut diamonds. I spent half an hour and all I could puzzle out was something that looked sort of like Darth Vader. Yes, I said half an hour. I'm on spring break, OK? I consider it an achievement if I get out of bed before 11. In the evening, of course.
Also: if you can spot the face of Jesus in the Eagle Nebula, you must have eyes sharp enough to cut diamonds. I spent half an hour and all I could puzzle out was something that looked sort of like Darth Vader. Yes, I said half an hour. I'm on spring break, OK? I consider it an achievement if I get out of bed before 11. In the evening, of course.
The Sales Pitch
"Hey folks, this is Earl Lee Bragg from Earl Lee Brag's Furniture Emporiganza! Yowza, yowza, yowza--have we got a deal for you! Folks, I know you got a problem. We all got the same problem. It ain't nothin' to be ashamed of. Lemme explain it to you nice and simple.
"Sometimes we buy ourselves a brand spankin' new piece of furniture--all pretty an' new an' shiny--and we say to ourselves, Well, shoot! I got this fine new furniture. But you know what'd make this furniture even better? If it had small animal livin' inside it! Yessirree, that's our problem. Not nearly enough small animals livin' in our furniture.
"No need to worry, folks, cause at Earl Lee Bragg's Furniture Extravaporium we've got that problem all ironed out. Every piece of furniture--every couch, every ottoman, every gosh-durn love seat--is gar-on-teed to have at least one small animal livin' in it. What kind of animal? Now, you don't expect ol' Earl Lee Bragg to go and spoil that surprise, do ya? Might be a marmot, might be a ferret, might even be a woodchuck! Only one way to find out!
"Don't believe ol' Earl Lee Bragg? Well, hell, just check out this story about one of our satisfied customers, and I swear to you on my momma's grave you'll be jumping in the car and motoring on down to Earl Lee Bragg's Furniture Explositorium to shell out some greenbacks on one of our patented Animal Inhabited Sofas!"
"Sometimes we buy ourselves a brand spankin' new piece of furniture--all pretty an' new an' shiny--and we say to ourselves, Well, shoot! I got this fine new furniture. But you know what'd make this furniture even better? If it had small animal livin' inside it! Yessirree, that's our problem. Not nearly enough small animals livin' in our furniture.
"No need to worry, folks, cause at Earl Lee Bragg's Furniture Extravaporium we've got that problem all ironed out. Every piece of furniture--every couch, every ottoman, every gosh-durn love seat--is gar-on-teed to have at least one small animal livin' in it. What kind of animal? Now, you don't expect ol' Earl Lee Bragg to go and spoil that surprise, do ya? Might be a marmot, might be a ferret, might even be a woodchuck! Only one way to find out!
"Don't believe ol' Earl Lee Bragg? Well, hell, just check out this story about one of our satisfied customers, and I swear to you on my momma's grave you'll be jumping in the car and motoring on down to Earl Lee Bragg's Furniture Explositorium to shell out some greenbacks on one of our patented Animal Inhabited Sofas!"
Encore! Encore!
Because I'm feeling rather listless today (har har)...I'm in the mood to post this list of "The Top 10 Most Overlooked Band Members."
I'd like to make one crucial addition to that title. This is a list of the most undeservedly overlooked band members. It excludes those guys who have been overlooked for a good reason--most often, their suckiness.
I can't find much to argue with about this list, which is odd, because I'm usually a big snob about these things. A few points:
1. Tina Weymouth deserves to be bumped up a couple notches, if for no other reason than her willingness to tolerate David Byrne.
2. Is George Harrison really "overlooked"? If you land on the cover of Time magazine after you die, I think you forfeit that title.
3. Good to see Richard Manuel get some recognition; the same with Garth Hudson; both men also sport some of the best facial hair in rock music.
4. Michael Anthony was "literally the backbone" of Van Halen? He actually was a stiff column of bone, blood vessels and nerves providing support and structure to the band?
I'd like to make one crucial addition to that title. This is a list of the most undeservedly overlooked band members. It excludes those guys who have been overlooked for a good reason--most often, their suckiness.
I can't find much to argue with about this list, which is odd, because I'm usually a big snob about these things. A few points:
1. Tina Weymouth deserves to be bumped up a couple notches, if for no other reason than her willingness to tolerate David Byrne.
2. Is George Harrison really "overlooked"? If you land on the cover of Time magazine after you die, I think you forfeit that title.
3. Good to see Richard Manuel get some recognition; the same with Garth Hudson; both men also sport some of the best facial hair in rock music.
4. Michael Anthony was "literally the backbone" of Van Halen? He actually was a stiff column of bone, blood vessels and nerves providing support and structure to the band?
Cuff Stuff
We can learn several things from the story of this Czech man:
1. Don't lock yourself in handcuffs
...
Actually, that's all we can learn from it. But still! That's an important life lesson. Always remember it.
1. Don't lock yourself in handcuffs
...
Actually, that's all we can learn from it. But still! That's an important life lesson. Always remember it.
To Sheep, Perchance to Dream
This is cool, assuming you like sheep rendered in MS paint. If you don't...uh...well, then I suggest you keep moving.
I particularly like the sheep that's eighth from the bottom and 1,254th from the left. It's clearly the work of a real artiste.
I particularly like the sheep that's eighth from the bottom and 1,254th from the left. It's clearly the work of a real artiste.
Restaurant Review
It was with great eagerness that I sat down to my first meal at Pyongyang's newly opened La Bella Kim Bistro, both because of my great fondness for Italian food, and because I had eaten nothing but twigs and bark for the previous two weeks.
Sadly, I must report that La Bella Kim did not live up to my expectations. Though our Dear Leader did indeed proclaim it to be "the greatest restaurant ever created by our socialist workers' paradise," I must respectfully disagree, though in all likelihood doing so will result in my swift execution--if I am lucky. Death after torture is more likely.
The food tasted utterly wretched. Whatever addle-brained chef made the pizza must have forgotten both the dough and the sauce, as I was served nothing more than a circle of melted cheese. Try as I might, I could find no cheese within the ravioli, nor anything else. They were simply empty pockets of pasta. Worst of all was the tiramisu. This delicate gustatory treat had been crudely rendered by dousing a stale piece of cake with a soft drink.
The decor added nothing to the experience. It detracted, as hard as that may be to conceive. The ubiquitous statues of our Dear Leader clashed horribly with the sloppily-painted murals of Tuscan peasant life. The atmosphere further sagged under the presence of dozens of glowering, gun-toting security thugs.
I hear a knock upon the door as I write these words. I expect it is said gun-toting security thugs coming to drag me away and beat the ever-loving socialist daylights out of me. But I regret nothing I have written. For what is freedom, if not freedom to complain about our food? To quote the eminent Bertolt Brecht, "First grub, then ethics."
This is Suuk Yung Sum, restaurant critic for the Pyongyang Picayune, signing off.
Sadly, I must report that La Bella Kim did not live up to my expectations. Though our Dear Leader did indeed proclaim it to be "the greatest restaurant ever created by our socialist workers' paradise," I must respectfully disagree, though in all likelihood doing so will result in my swift execution--if I am lucky. Death after torture is more likely.
The food tasted utterly wretched. Whatever addle-brained chef made the pizza must have forgotten both the dough and the sauce, as I was served nothing more than a circle of melted cheese. Try as I might, I could find no cheese within the ravioli, nor anything else. They were simply empty pockets of pasta. Worst of all was the tiramisu. This delicate gustatory treat had been crudely rendered by dousing a stale piece of cake with a soft drink.
The decor added nothing to the experience. It detracted, as hard as that may be to conceive. The ubiquitous statues of our Dear Leader clashed horribly with the sloppily-painted murals of Tuscan peasant life. The atmosphere further sagged under the presence of dozens of glowering, gun-toting security thugs.
I hear a knock upon the door as I write these words. I expect it is said gun-toting security thugs coming to drag me away and beat the ever-loving socialist daylights out of me. But I regret nothing I have written. For what is freedom, if not freedom to complain about our food? To quote the eminent Bertolt Brecht, "First grub, then ethics."
This is Suuk Yung Sum, restaurant critic for the Pyongyang Picayune, signing off.
With Apologies to Geoffrey Chaucer
Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote
The droghte of March hath perced to the roote
Than liveth the green folke, by nam Robin Hoode
Who, thinketh some monks, were certainth no goode
For he cheathe and he stole and much havoke did worke
In shorte, saith these monkes, he wereth a jerk
The droghte of March hath perced to the roote
Than liveth the green folke, by nam Robin Hoode
Who, thinketh some monks, were certainth no goode
For he cheathe and he stole and much havoke did worke
In shorte, saith these monkes, he wereth a jerk
Pole-y Moley!
From the medical files of St. Epistaxis Hospital
Dr. Andrew Philtrum, attending
Patient was admitted at 10:06 AM complaining of dizziness, blurred vision, and feeling as if he had a giant metal pole through his chest. Recommended that patient rest and drink more fluids; patient was discharged at 10:53 AM.
Patient returned next day at 2:25 PM, further complaining about pain in his chest. Further examination revealed that patient did, in fact, have a giant metal pole through his chest. Recommended that patient have pole removed; patient was discharged at 2:41 PM.
Dr. Andrew Philtrum, attending
Patient was admitted at 10:06 AM complaining of dizziness, blurred vision, and feeling as if he had a giant metal pole through his chest. Recommended that patient rest and drink more fluids; patient was discharged at 10:53 AM.
Patient returned next day at 2:25 PM, further complaining about pain in his chest. Further examination revealed that patient did, in fact, have a giant metal pole through his chest. Recommended that patient have pole removed; patient was discharged at 2:41 PM.
Gimme a Break, Gimme a Flippin' Break
Did you think Obama was going to make an honest man of Joe Biden? Worry not! He's still that same crazy old Delawarian. Delawarite? Delawariad?
Bizarre Google Search XXXI
Prithee, I pray, hie thee hence to thine chambers! But before we bidd'st adieu, take my leave, and with it take this Bizarre Google Search for "flowery language":
Alas and alack! What foul devilry is this?
Alas and alack! What foul devilry is this?
Wheels of Fire
You see? You see? THIS is why I'm afraid of riding bikes. Sure, it might seem like a handy way to get around, but lose your focus for one second and BANG! You spontaneously combust!
The story says that police determined "the fire is not suspicious." I guess that rules out the explanation my high school chemistry teacher always provided for spontaneous combustion: ninjas with flamethrowers.
The story says that police determined "the fire is not suspicious." I guess that rules out the explanation my high school chemistry teacher always provided for spontaneous combustion: ninjas with flamethrowers.
Squirrels Do the Darndest Things
After five minutes, I'm still trying to figure out which part of this story is the weirdest. Is it:
1) The cannibal squirrels?
OR
2) The squirrel-flavored potato chips?
I'm conflicted and confused like never before.
1) The cannibal squirrels?
OR
2) The squirrel-flavored potato chips?
I'm conflicted and confused like never before.
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Green Stuff
Here's a heartwarming story of mental retardation, marijuana, and filthy lucre. And it's all true! I can't wait to see the movie.
Two of a Kind
Q: What do you get when you cross Eddie Murphy and Michael Jackson?
A: The same thing you get when you cross Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton, or Bono and Frank Sinatra: one of the Worst Duets of All Time.
What, no David Bowie and Bing Crosby? Now that was a matchup for the ages. I consider my Christmas a failure if I don't hear their version of "The Little Drummer Boy" at least twice.
A: The same thing you get when you cross Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton, or Bono and Frank Sinatra: one of the Worst Duets of All Time.
What, no David Bowie and Bing Crosby? Now that was a matchup for the ages. I consider my Christmas a failure if I don't hear their version of "The Little Drummer Boy" at least twice.
Have You Seen Me?
This website--"NCAA Tournament's Forgotten Stars"--is a sobering reminder that not every star of March Madness goes on to become an NBA Hall-of-Famer making approximately three gazillion dollars every year.
Most of these guys would be happy to come off the bench as the eighteenth or nineteenth or thirty-fifth man for an NBA team. As it is, most of them now play for teams with names like the East Toledo Mudheans or the North Calawhacky Crabwalkers. A couple sell real estate. Surprisingly, none have died of a drug overdose, but I'm keeping an eye on Taurean Green. That guy always seemed a little shady to me.
Bonus fact! One of the guys, Donald Williams of UNC, now coaches girl's basketball at my old high school, Raleigh Charter. Coaching the Lady Phoenix might not be as prestigious as coaching the Lady Tar Heels (the Heelettes?), but it's a start.
Most of these guys would be happy to come off the bench as the eighteenth or nineteenth or thirty-fifth man for an NBA team. As it is, most of them now play for teams with names like the East Toledo Mudheans or the North Calawhacky Crabwalkers. A couple sell real estate. Surprisingly, none have died of a drug overdose, but I'm keeping an eye on Taurean Green. That guy always seemed a little shady to me.
Bonus fact! One of the guys, Donald Williams of UNC, now coaches girl's basketball at my old high school, Raleigh Charter. Coaching the Lady Phoenix might not be as prestigious as coaching the Lady Tar Heels (the Heelettes?), but it's a start.
O, Canada!
It's not fair to stereotype Canadians as wimps. Yeah, we might want to dismiss our neighbors to the north as Moulson-sipping, hockey-loving, "Eh" exclaiming pansies, but I'm sure there are plenty of tough Canadians out there.
Then again, when you read a story like this, you remember that stereotypes usually have some little grain of truth in them. The Canadians are no exception.
Then again, when you read a story like this, you remember that stereotypes usually have some little grain of truth in them. The Canadians are no exception.
This Juicy-Juice Tastes Funny...
"OK, boys and girls, what time is it?"
"It's snacktime, Miss Jones!"
"That's right! And boy, have we got a treat for you today! We've got goldfish..."
"Yay!"
"...chocolate chip cookies..."
"Yay!"
"And some industrial strength wiper fluid!"
"...Yay?"
"It's snacktime, Miss Jones!"
"That's right! And boy, have we got a treat for you today! We've got goldfish..."
"Yay!"
"...chocolate chip cookies..."
"Yay!"
"And some industrial strength wiper fluid!"
"...Yay?"
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Bizarre Google Search XXX
To cap off tonight's festivities, I give you the Bizarre Google Search for "let's wrap this up":
Hey! BLEEP you too, buddy!
Hey! BLEEP you too, buddy!
Little Known Police Dispatch Codes
408: Embezzlement in progress
532: Send exactly two cars as backup, no more and no less
113: Look out behind you!
874: Spoiler alert to follow
451: Old Man Haggerty off his meds again
900: Suspect dressed up as character from "Batman"; shoot to kill
532: Send exactly two cars as backup, no more and no less
113: Look out behind you!
874: Spoiler alert to follow
451: Old Man Haggerty off his meds again
900: Suspect dressed up as character from "Batman"; shoot to kill
When the Flu Just Isn't Enough...
...a list of twenty-four utterly bizarre diseases. Contains, among other things, an absolutely lovely picture of necrotizing fasciitis in action.
I'm also very intrigued by Jerusalem Syndrome, which, according to the article, "is an occurrence where a person visits Jerusalem and has religious delusions or psychotic events." This would explain quite a bit about the Middle East peace process.
Then there's "Alien Hand Syndrome," AKA Dr. Strangelove Syndrome, in which your hand secedes from your body and decides to go its own way. No word on whether other body parts can do the same. Alien Appendix Syndrome, anyone?
I'm also very intrigued by Jerusalem Syndrome, which, according to the article, "is an occurrence where a person visits Jerusalem and has religious delusions or psychotic events." This would explain quite a bit about the Middle East peace process.
Then there's "Alien Hand Syndrome," AKA Dr. Strangelove Syndrome, in which your hand secedes from your body and decides to go its own way. No word on whether other body parts can do the same. Alien Appendix Syndrome, anyone?
Hip Hipster Hooray!
Are you a hipster? Do you know someone who is a hipster? Do you plan on becoming a hipster sometime in the near future?
If so, two things. First: go to hell! We don't need any more of your kind around here! I've seen enough ironic T-shirts and black-framed glasses to last me a lifetime.
Second, you might want to read this article listing the "10 Ways to Avoid Hipster Baby Names." There's nothing more embarrassing than dropping your little Aiden off on his first day of school, only to find a dozen other Aidens there already.
After reading the list, though, I have to reconsider the name I picked out for my first child: Django Thor Lolita Flannery Bowser Sahteene Moses Mississippi Izaak Dorcas.
If so, two things. First: go to hell! We don't need any more of your kind around here! I've seen enough ironic T-shirts and black-framed glasses to last me a lifetime.
Second, you might want to read this article listing the "10 Ways to Avoid Hipster Baby Names." There's nothing more embarrassing than dropping your little Aiden off on his first day of school, only to find a dozen other Aidens there already.
After reading the list, though, I have to reconsider the name I picked out for my first child: Django Thor Lolita Flannery Bowser Sahteene Moses Mississippi Izaak Dorcas.
Bite Me
Vampires--they're so hot right now! If you're feeling starved for a vampire fix, this story ought to tide you over until the next "Twilight" knockoff comes out, which should be sometime before noon tomorrow.
CloFu?
I've never tried tofu before. And if this idea should come to pass, I will never, ever eat tofu as long as I live. I swear that by all things I hold holy and quite a few things I don't.
The Will Schultz Cookbook
MOZZARELLA STICKS
1. Get 2 ounces of mozzarella cheese
2. Microwave cheese on "low" for two minutes, or on "high" for fifteen seconds, depending on how patient you are
3. Go out into the backyard
4. Collect two dozen sticks of various shapes and sizes
5. Bring the sticks inside and dip them, fondue-style, in the bowl of melted mozzarella
6. Enjoy, if you can
1. Get 2 ounces of mozzarella cheese
2. Microwave cheese on "low" for two minutes, or on "high" for fifteen seconds, depending on how patient you are
3. Go out into the backyard
4. Collect two dozen sticks of various shapes and sizes
5. Bring the sticks inside and dip them, fondue-style, in the bowl of melted mozzarella
6. Enjoy, if you can
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Don't Be Cruel
Good God, everything is animal cruelty nowadays! It's cruel to wear fur! It's cruel to eat hamburgers! It's cruel to dress your cat up like a little princess and name her "Queenie"! And now it's cruel to eat large eggs!
I tell you--this makes me so angry I could go out and clobber an innocent puppy dog over the head!
I tell you--this makes me so angry I could go out and clobber an innocent puppy dog over the head!
With Apologies to Alanis Morissette
It's like rai-ayn, on your wedding day
It's a free ride, when you've already paid
It's the good advice, that ya just didn't take
It's a brutal stabbing, at a conflict resolution class
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week whether you like it or not.
It's a free ride, when you've already paid
It's the good advice, that ya just didn't take
It's a brutal stabbing, at a conflict resolution class
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week whether you like it or not.
Falwell Was Right!
Gay marriage will lead to the extinction of the species! Technically another species, but hey, why pick nits here? The future of humanity is at stake!
Breakin' the Law
If you're charged with one crime, you're probably a bad person.
If you're charged with two crimes, you're a bad person.
If you're charged with ten crimes, you're a really, really bad person.
And if you're charged with 29,000 crimes...you'd probably better get used to life in hell, cause you just bought yourself a one-way ticket.
If you're charged with two crimes, you're a bad person.
If you're charged with ten crimes, you're a really, really bad person.
And if you're charged with 29,000 crimes...you'd probably better get used to life in hell, cause you just bought yourself a one-way ticket.
Unsolved Mysteries
Some questions are unanswerable because they deal with issues so vast, so cosmic, that no single answer can explain it all. For instance: What is the meaning of life? Is there a God? Why are we here, and where are we going?
Other questions are unanswerable because they're so damn hard. This includes: What are all the digits of pi? How do you create a Unified Field Theory? What is the solution to Goldbach's Conjecture.
And still other questions are unanswerable because...well, because they're like this one: How do you find an elf? I'd say go to Macy's during Christmas, but if you insist on being serious, this article will tell you everything you need to know about it.
Other questions are unanswerable because they're so damn hard. This includes: What are all the digits of pi? How do you create a Unified Field Theory? What is the solution to Goldbach's Conjecture.
And still other questions are unanswerable because...well, because they're like this one: How do you find an elf? I'd say go to Macy's during Christmas, but if you insist on being serious, this article will tell you everything you need to know about it.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Mini-Review: Safe as Milk
Captain Beefheart is living proof that Anybody Can Make It in Show Biz. The good captain certainly doesn’t look like a rock star, what with his baggy clothes and Colombo mustache. God knows he doesn’t sound like a rock star. A real rock star doesn’t sing like he has a throat full of gravel. He doesn’t caterwaul the way the captain does.
Yet, somehow, improbably, Captain Beefheart has found a niche in the music world. He’s a freak-rock artist in the vein of Frank Zappa. Beefheart—born Don Van Vliet, in case you thought “Beefheart” was his given name—is best known for bizarre, free jazz-esque songs spiced up with a hint of Delta blues and topped with a suitably psychedelic name. See, for starters, “Neon Meate Dream of a Octafish” or “The Host The Ghost The Most Holy O.”
But before he let his freak flag fly, the captain actually put a fairly straightforward rock n’ roll album—“Safe as Milk.” I grant you that “straightforward” is very, very relative when applied to Captain Beefheart. I dare you to tease some meaning out of a songs like “Zig Zag Wanderer” or “ABBA Zaba.” The chorus of the latter song proudly proclaims “Abba Zaba go-zoom Babbette baboon.” You don’t say!
Underneath all the cryptic lyricism, though, lies some irresistibly catchy rock music. While the words of “ABBA Zaba” might be nonsense, the music—pounding tribal drums and weird, skeletal guitar—will stick in your head until your dying day. As you give up the ghost, you might find yourself unconsciously muttering “Abba Zaba go-zoom Babbette baboon.” That’s how indelible the groove is.
“ABBA Zaba” isn’t even the catchiest song on “Safe as Milk.” A twangy, Duane Eddy style guitar makes “Electricity” instantly unforgettable; the grinding, greasy, garage rock thumping of “Drop Out Boogie,” with the howled chorus of “Get a job, get a job,” is the same. This isn’t music for the faint of (beef)heart. The weirdness might just overwhelm you. But if you can get used to lyrics like “Phos'phrous chimney burnin'/Modern-men's a-learnin'/Time and space a-turnin'/Motor's engine churnin',” I recommend giving “Safe as Milk” a listen.
Yet, somehow, improbably, Captain Beefheart has found a niche in the music world. He’s a freak-rock artist in the vein of Frank Zappa. Beefheart—born Don Van Vliet, in case you thought “Beefheart” was his given name—is best known for bizarre, free jazz-esque songs spiced up with a hint of Delta blues and topped with a suitably psychedelic name. See, for starters, “Neon Meate Dream of a Octafish” or “The Host The Ghost The Most Holy O.”
But before he let his freak flag fly, the captain actually put a fairly straightforward rock n’ roll album—“Safe as Milk.” I grant you that “straightforward” is very, very relative when applied to Captain Beefheart. I dare you to tease some meaning out of a songs like “Zig Zag Wanderer” or “ABBA Zaba.” The chorus of the latter song proudly proclaims “Abba Zaba go-zoom Babbette baboon.” You don’t say!
Underneath all the cryptic lyricism, though, lies some irresistibly catchy rock music. While the words of “ABBA Zaba” might be nonsense, the music—pounding tribal drums and weird, skeletal guitar—will stick in your head until your dying day. As you give up the ghost, you might find yourself unconsciously muttering “Abba Zaba go-zoom Babbette baboon.” That’s how indelible the groove is.
“ABBA Zaba” isn’t even the catchiest song on “Safe as Milk.” A twangy, Duane Eddy style guitar makes “Electricity” instantly unforgettable; the grinding, greasy, garage rock thumping of “Drop Out Boogie,” with the howled chorus of “Get a job, get a job,” is the same. This isn’t music for the faint of (beef)heart. The weirdness might just overwhelm you. But if you can get used to lyrics like “Phos'phrous chimney burnin'/Modern-men's a-learnin'/Time and space a-turnin'/Motor's engine churnin',” I recommend giving “Safe as Milk” a listen.
Handy Dandy
If you've always wanted to boost your WiFi signal but were never sure how to do it, this video should offer some help. Yeah, you might scoff. But it works! Especially that whole satellite dish thing.
And if you're looking for more helpful advice, you can check out a bunch of similar videos here. Don't miss the one on "tiny dinosaurs"--it really opened my eyes.
And if you're looking for more helpful advice, you can check out a bunch of similar videos here. Don't miss the one on "tiny dinosaurs"--it really opened my eyes.
The Horror!
After reading this story, I am going to add "Barbie doll" to my ever-lengthening list of "Things I Don't Want to Be Reincarnated As." Sample quote:
"There were beheadings, orgies, biker haircuts and tattoos and, in one memorable incident, a tragic Lamborghini accident that led to Barbie having her leg amputated below the knee."
Holy cow. Apparently, Barbie lives a life that would have put even the most dissipated Hell's Angel to shame.
I can't confirm or deny the truth of this story. I 1) am a guy 2) never had a barbie doll. I'll tell you what, though--I never treated by Transformers this way. I just broke them the old-fashioned way: with a hammer.
"There were beheadings, orgies, biker haircuts and tattoos and, in one memorable incident, a tragic Lamborghini accident that led to Barbie having her leg amputated below the knee."
Holy cow. Apparently, Barbie lives a life that would have put even the most dissipated Hell's Angel to shame.
I can't confirm or deny the truth of this story. I 1) am a guy 2) never had a barbie doll. I'll tell you what, though--I never treated by Transformers this way. I just broke them the old-fashioned way: with a hammer.
The Fish Are Really Biting Today
Science is so disappointing. When I read about something called the "Dracula fish," I expect something very specific: namely, some kind of horrific werefish that sleeps during the day, only to emerge from its slimy lair every evening to feast upon the warm blood of the living.
Instead I get this. I admit the fangs are pretty cool. But it's hardly the sort of thing to strike terror into the villagers. Heck, I doubt it strikes terror into the other fish.
Instead I get this. I admit the fangs are pretty cool. But it's hardly the sort of thing to strike terror into the villagers. Heck, I doubt it strikes terror into the other fish.
I Once Saw This Happen at an IHOP
Pancakes: delicious breakfast dish, or...harbingers of death?
I had to find this story in Pravda, because the forces of Big Pancake--AKA, Big Brother Jemima--have no doubt suppressed it in the states.
I had to find this story in Pravda, because the forces of Big Pancake--AKA, Big Brother Jemima--have no doubt suppressed it in the states.
Monkey Business
Oh God, no! In our never-ending war with the animals, our only advantage was our ability to use weapons. The animals had to make do with brute strength, giving us a leg up over our adversaries.
Well, it looks like we've lost our technological edge. Sure, right now it's just rocks, but it's only a matter of time before those rocks progress to grenades.
Well, it looks like we've lost our technological edge. Sure, right now it's just rocks, but it's only a matter of time before those rocks progress to grenades.
Multiple Choice Exam
Q5: You are a Chinese sailor tailing a US surveillance ship. When you get to close, the US ship reacts by spraying you with a high-powered hose. What do you do?
A) Get below decks as quickly as possible
B) Steer your ship out of range
C) Strip down to your underwear
The location of the hypertext ought to give you a clue as to which option the Chinese sailors chose.
A) Get below decks as quickly as possible
B) Steer your ship out of range
C) Strip down to your underwear
The location of the hypertext ought to give you a clue as to which option the Chinese sailors chose.
Mini-Review: Sita Sings the Blues
I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a movie stranger than “Sita Sings the Blues.” I could try to describe the plot, but you probably wouldn’t believe me. If I told you what it was about, you’d walk off shaking your head and thinking that I’d gone crazier than usual.
What’s it all about? Damned if I know. I just watched the thing last week, and I’m still trying to piece it together. To squash it down into a single sentence, “Sita Sings the Blues” is a retelling of the Ramayana. The Ramayana, for those of you not up on your ancient Hindu epics, tells the story of Rama and his lovely wife Sita. It’s your usual boy meets girl/boy loses girl to ten-headed demon king/boy and his half-human/half-monkey ally get girl back.
But wait—there’s more! A lot more. The Ramayana retelling is only one part of the multicultural mishmash. These (relatively) straightforward sections are intercut with musical numbers, in which an animated Sita lip-synchs to the songs of 1920s chanteuse Annette Henshaw. Even these interludes have interludes. They’re broken up by autobiographical scenes from the life of “Sita’s” creator, Nina Paley, relating her crash-and-burn relationship with her ex-husband.
It’s wildly diverse, all right. But is it any good? Eclecticism for eclecticism’s sake isn’t necessarily a good thing. And if the elements don’t hang together well, it can get ugly in a hurry. Take the example of last year’s “Across the Universe.” It gave us a heady brew of hippie utopianism, 1960s nostalgia, and trippy psychedelia bolted together on a foundation of Beatles tunes. It’s was strange, it was crazy, it…didn’t work. At all.
“Sita” works, in a strange, bizarre, off-the-wall kind of way. It’s almost dreamlike—specifically, the sort of dream a Religious Studies major might have after a meal of bad curry. Nothing in the movie should fit together, and that’s why it does. It’s like mixing chocolate and bacon. The unexpected contrast gives it a special kick.
One second we’re in San Francisco, and Paley’s animated avatar says goodbye to her husband while he packs for a trip to India. Whoosh! Suddenly we’re in Sri Lanka and Sita is being held captive by the ten-headed demon King Ravana. Whoosh! Now we’re watching Rama single-handedly slaughter an army of demons while Sita warbles a crackly jazz age torch song. Whoosh! We’re in New York, and Nina has just gotten an e-mail from her husband saying he never wants to see her again. My advice: be sure to buckle your seatbelt, cause these changes might give you whiplash.
“Sita” doesn’t even look like a single film. Every storyline has its own style of animation, as different from one another as is Kurma from Varaha—sorry, little Hindu inside joke. The traditional telling of the Ramayana unfolds through a series of semi-static religious paintings, with commentary provided by a trio of chatty shadow puppets. The Paley scenes are done in “SquiggleVision”—yes, that’s a real term—making them look as if they had been done by an jittery caffeine feind.
The musical numbers receive the most stunning treatment. According to Wikipedia, which I trust unconditionally, they’re animated in the “vector” style. For the viewer, this means everything looks like a high-quality Saturday morning cartoon. Sita sports big hips and big eyes in the Betty Boop Mold. Ravana is green, scaly, and looks uncannily like Snidely Whiplash. The whole thing reminded me a bit of those Homestar Runner cartoons I used to love so much.
Naturally, when you divide up your movie like this, some parts will be weaker than others. It’s an unavoidable fact. Whenever you read a book with multiple plot lines, one of them is going to grip your more than the rest. The author’s job is to make the other plots interesting enough so you don’t dash right through them on the way to the other side.
In “Sita Sings the Blues,” I’d have to say the weak link is the whole “singing the blues part.” It looks pretty, but so did the queen from Snow White, and look what a…witch she turned out to be. The problem: most of the songs bear only a tangential relation to what’s happening on screen. So while Sita’s belting out a number about her man knocking on her door, the movie shows an army of monkeys battling it out with a horde of goblins. Slightly disconcerting.
It’s to Paley’s credit, though, that all three parts are pretty engaging. Not engrossing, mind you, but engaging enough to keep me from snoozing the way I usually do while watching Hindu epics on film. And if you don’t like one part, just wait a couple minutes—each segment lasts five minutes, tops. Something you like will be coming around the corner momentarily.
“Sita Sings the Blues” looks strange, sounds strange, and is strange. If you like your movies straightforward and conventional, “Sita” probably isnt’ for you. But if you’ve been waiting for years to see an animated version of the Ramayana, complete with 1920s jazz songs, it should be right up your alley.
What’s it all about? Damned if I know. I just watched the thing last week, and I’m still trying to piece it together. To squash it down into a single sentence, “Sita Sings the Blues” is a retelling of the Ramayana. The Ramayana, for those of you not up on your ancient Hindu epics, tells the story of Rama and his lovely wife Sita. It’s your usual boy meets girl/boy loses girl to ten-headed demon king/boy and his half-human/half-monkey ally get girl back.
But wait—there’s more! A lot more. The Ramayana retelling is only one part of the multicultural mishmash. These (relatively) straightforward sections are intercut with musical numbers, in which an animated Sita lip-synchs to the songs of 1920s chanteuse Annette Henshaw. Even these interludes have interludes. They’re broken up by autobiographical scenes from the life of “Sita’s” creator, Nina Paley, relating her crash-and-burn relationship with her ex-husband.
It’s wildly diverse, all right. But is it any good? Eclecticism for eclecticism’s sake isn’t necessarily a good thing. And if the elements don’t hang together well, it can get ugly in a hurry. Take the example of last year’s “Across the Universe.” It gave us a heady brew of hippie utopianism, 1960s nostalgia, and trippy psychedelia bolted together on a foundation of Beatles tunes. It’s was strange, it was crazy, it…didn’t work. At all.
“Sita” works, in a strange, bizarre, off-the-wall kind of way. It’s almost dreamlike—specifically, the sort of dream a Religious Studies major might have after a meal of bad curry. Nothing in the movie should fit together, and that’s why it does. It’s like mixing chocolate and bacon. The unexpected contrast gives it a special kick.
One second we’re in San Francisco, and Paley’s animated avatar says goodbye to her husband while he packs for a trip to India. Whoosh! Suddenly we’re in Sri Lanka and Sita is being held captive by the ten-headed demon King Ravana. Whoosh! Now we’re watching Rama single-handedly slaughter an army of demons while Sita warbles a crackly jazz age torch song. Whoosh! We’re in New York, and Nina has just gotten an e-mail from her husband saying he never wants to see her again. My advice: be sure to buckle your seatbelt, cause these changes might give you whiplash.
“Sita” doesn’t even look like a single film. Every storyline has its own style of animation, as different from one another as is Kurma from Varaha—sorry, little Hindu inside joke. The traditional telling of the Ramayana unfolds through a series of semi-static religious paintings, with commentary provided by a trio of chatty shadow puppets. The Paley scenes are done in “SquiggleVision”—yes, that’s a real term—making them look as if they had been done by an jittery caffeine feind.
The musical numbers receive the most stunning treatment. According to Wikipedia, which I trust unconditionally, they’re animated in the “vector” style. For the viewer, this means everything looks like a high-quality Saturday morning cartoon. Sita sports big hips and big eyes in the Betty Boop Mold. Ravana is green, scaly, and looks uncannily like Snidely Whiplash. The whole thing reminded me a bit of those Homestar Runner cartoons I used to love so much.
Naturally, when you divide up your movie like this, some parts will be weaker than others. It’s an unavoidable fact. Whenever you read a book with multiple plot lines, one of them is going to grip your more than the rest. The author’s job is to make the other plots interesting enough so you don’t dash right through them on the way to the other side.
In “Sita Sings the Blues,” I’d have to say the weak link is the whole “singing the blues part.” It looks pretty, but so did the queen from Snow White, and look what a…witch she turned out to be. The problem: most of the songs bear only a tangential relation to what’s happening on screen. So while Sita’s belting out a number about her man knocking on her door, the movie shows an army of monkeys battling it out with a horde of goblins. Slightly disconcerting.
It’s to Paley’s credit, though, that all three parts are pretty engaging. Not engrossing, mind you, but engaging enough to keep me from snoozing the way I usually do while watching Hindu epics on film. And if you don’t like one part, just wait a couple minutes—each segment lasts five minutes, tops. Something you like will be coming around the corner momentarily.
“Sita Sings the Blues” looks strange, sounds strange, and is strange. If you like your movies straightforward and conventional, “Sita” probably isnt’ for you. But if you’ve been waiting for years to see an animated version of the Ramayana, complete with 1920s jazz songs, it should be right up your alley.
Monday, March 9, 2009
I Am the PhD, Goo Goo G'joob
As a history major, I'm always on the lookout for majors even more useless then my own. This one might have them all beat.
Happy Pedro Scotto Day!
Was Christopher Columbus actually a Scotsman named Pedro Scotto? My opinion: no. I say that as both a historian and as a sane, rational human being with an IQ above freezing temperature.
But what if? What if the discoverer of America really was a cantankerous Scotsman named Pedro? Why, just think of how that would change...uh...hmmm...I guess it really wouldn't change much. Though I guess we'd have the District of Scottonia instead of the District of Columbia.
But what if? What if the discoverer of America really was a cantankerous Scotsman named Pedro? Why, just think of how that would change...uh...hmmm...I guess it really wouldn't change much. Though I guess we'd have the District of Scottonia instead of the District of Columbia.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Mmm...Tasty
What's better than a robot that makes sandwiches? How about a robot that makes sandwiches and CURES CANCER?
Wait, that won't work. OK. Then how about...a robot that makes sandwiches and was inspired by a popular webcomic? Yeah, I admit it's not quite as good, but we work with what we have.
Wait, that won't work. OK. Then how about...a robot that makes sandwiches and was inspired by a popular webcomic? Yeah, I admit it's not quite as good, but we work with what we have.
Womb to Rent
"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
"Well, honey, normally the stork brings them. In your case, though, things were a little bit more complicated than that."
"Well, honey, normally the stork brings them. In your case, though, things were a little bit more complicated than that."
Praise Be to Google!
"If Google did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
-Voltaire, extremely paraphrased
This New York Times article makes clear that, should Google ever turn its powers to evil, we would be hard-pressed to stop them. But until then, we might as well enjoy all the cool stuff they've given us.
The "Flu Trends" thing is especially freaky. I can't wait to see that idea applied to other diseases. Coming soon: a list of everyone in your neighborhood suffering from venereal disease.
-Voltaire, extremely paraphrased
This New York Times article makes clear that, should Google ever turn its powers to evil, we would be hard-pressed to stop them. But until then, we might as well enjoy all the cool stuff they've given us.
The "Flu Trends" thing is especially freaky. I can't wait to see that idea applied to other diseases. Coming soon: a list of everyone in your neighborhood suffering from venereal disease.
Da Hijjatch
Look out, Cat Stevens! Here comes somebody to challenge your status as "most famous entertainer to convert to Islam"!
Other contenders to that title, aside from Mr. Stevens and Mr. Dogg, include Robert Redford, Joe Namath, Avril Lavigne, and Sting. Of course, you already knew that.
Other contenders to that title, aside from Mr. Stevens and Mr. Dogg, include Robert Redford, Joe Namath, Avril Lavigne, and Sting. Of course, you already knew that.
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