Bizarre Google Search IV

Another day, another dollar, and another Bizarre Google Search, this one for "history shows again and again." And it shows us:


Agh! Never again!

Hot Meaty Love

I ask you, if you were an estranged wife bent on viciously beating her husband, which of these tools would you use:

1) A meat tenderizer
2) Not a meat tenderizer

By now I'm sure you've gathered where I'm going with this.

Web Spin-off

I can understand movie spinoffs. If Movie A makes a buttload of money (a buttload being equivalent to a sum of more than $200 million), well, why not pick out Character X and drop him right into Movie B? After all, if theatergoer C enjoyed watching Character X in Movie A when he saw it at Cinema J, won't he pay just as much to watch Character X in Movie B at Cineplex N with his friends P, R, and 7?

But understanding spinoffs doesn't mean I condone them. Take for example the proposed Spider-Man spinoff featuring Venom. On first blush, it seems like a pretty cool idea. Everyone likes Venom, right? But then consider a few complications. Actually, consider one big complication.

1) Venom is a villain.

"And?" I hear you say. All right, let me elaborate.

Movies about supervillains are destined to failure. First, they require that Theatergoer C (remember him? if not, a refresher course can be found at the beginning of this post) root for the guy wreaking hell and havoc everywhere he goes. Sure, it might be fun to watch Venom pancake a few cars. But the allure of evil is always overrated. No one's comfortable rooting for the bad guy.

Second, who's he going to fight? You're sure as hell not going to get Tobey Maguire to dress up in red pajamas just for a spinoff. Which means Venom's going to tangle with either a minor superhero or a lame supervillain. And I know the supervillain would be lame, as the franchise has already burned through the most interesting characters. Anyone up to seeing Venom beat on Mysterio? Or Venom vs. Electro?

Sorry if I'm not making my point clear. Bur I'm not that sorry, as this is my blog and all. And here, I am king.

This post's title is a lame pun on "web spinner," if you're curious. But I assume you're not curious.

Posted Without Comment

From the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:

TUALATIN, Ore. – Police in Tualatin say a piece of pornography was found in a men's bathroom at the city's new library.

The police are also looking into a hole that had been drilled between two stalls in the bathroom.

Officials say there are no suspects yet.

OK, one comment: I wonder which cop was lucky enough to be assigned to this case.

Next:: Scientists Create a Chill Pill

Oh, this is just ridiculous. Scientists say they might have discovered a pill which will burn fat, thus making exercise irrelevant.

Absurd! As someone who exercises regularly, I can tell you that nothing will ever replace a good, old-fashioned 5-mile run. The smell of the grass early in the morning...the soft breeze...the salty sting of sweat...the ominous popping noise my right knee makes whenever I run too fast...the unbelievable stabbing pain in my lung every time I try to breathe...

You know what? Screw exercise. Sign me up for the pill.

Drat!

All those years I spent tinkering on a jetpack in my garage--wasted! I've been beaten to the punch by Glenn Martin, who unveiled the "first practical jetpack" at an aviation show in Wisconsin. Here's a thrilling account of the first flight:

Revving its engine, Harrison slowly climbed to about three feet off the ground and hovered for 45 seconds before touching back down to Earth.

The story says commuters could use the jetpack to get to work. Either they're going to have to make some major improvements, or people are going to have start working a lot closer to home.

'Ave a Pint, Guv'nor?

When trainee bouncers go bad: Chris Gregoire, governor of Washington, got turned away from a bar because she didn't have proper ID. Gregoire, by the way, is 61. I guess this adds an interesting wrinkle to the old question: Which candidate would you most like to share a beer with?

This Explains That Two-Foot Tall Guy I Saw Yesterday

From the Washington Times:

"Illegal population shrinking."

My God. What good will a fence do if they can just slip between the cracks?

"He Said, 'I Want My Mummy!'"

Well, I can add this to a list of long answers to questions I've never asked: What is the world's oldest joke? After years of painstaking work (I assume it was painstaking, at least), we have our answer. Here 'tis:

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

Pah! Sumerians always go for the cheap laughs. I prefer this submission from the Egyptians, circa 1600 BC:

"How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

The fact that these jokes still exist today is living proof that Darwin's theory of natural selection does not apply to humor.

QuikOxymoron (TM)

"Starvation diet"

And, while I'm at it,

"Basketball IQ"

I could do this all day! And while I'm at it...there's...uh...well, I guess I can't do this all day.

Bizarre Google Search 3

Unh...starting to drift off to sleep...but must...complete...one...Bizarre Google Search...check out results for "holy cannoli."

That's not cannoli...zzz...

Shocker: Da Vinci a Fraud?

So claims Gavin Menzies, the closest thing we have to a professional crank historian. OK, so listen close. Da Vinci's drawings look very similar to some Chinese drawings. Therefore, his ideas must have been the result of a heretofore unknown Chinese fleet that sailed to Italy, dropped off some books of ancient Chinese wisdom, and vanished off the face of the earth.

Convinced? I sure am. I can't wait to see how Dan Brown reacts to this shocking revelation.

It's CHILLING! It's HORRIFYING! It's SPINE-TINGLING!

It's THE MONTAUK MONSTER! Hide the children! Eat the women! There's no hope for humanity--or, for that matter, for Montauk! We're all doomed!

Falling--I Mean Flying--in Style

A new airplane from Emirates Airlines comes equipped with an in-flight shower spa. A shower spa. Next time you're wedged into your seat, scraping peanuts from the floor for your meal and reading "In-Flight Magazine" in a desperate attempt to pass the time, try not to think about the fact that someone, somewhere, is enjoying a shower mid-flight.

"They're Not Dead Yet?"

...Asked my younger brother when I told him about this story. So, here's the story: Cheech and Chong are getting back together after 25 years of alone time. Check out the picture:


Chong's not looking too bad, but I can't help thinking that Cheech is slowly turning into...Gollum.

Two-Hitter

From the Chicago Tribune:

"Cubs fans beat up Brewers fan"

AND...

"Sox fan allegedly beaten by Cubs fans"

When you've got one hundred years of rage pent up inside you, I suppose you're a tad more aggressive than the average person.

Wifesicle

"Excuse me, sir. We've received a missing report about your wife. Please stand aside, sir, we need to search your house."

"A-OK, officer. I've been wondering where the old gal is myself."

(After some strenuous searching)

"Your house looks clean, sir."

"Great! You guys look kind of thirsty...would you care for a fudgsicle before you go? Here, let me open up the...oops."

Bugger All

News from Australia: a former pest-control officer lost in the Outback survived by feasting on termites for several days. "Termites don't taste too bad," he said, proving the old adage that the best sauce is hunger (not counting Worcester sauce).

But the coincidence is really amazing and can only be attributes to divine intervention. A pest-control officer stays alive by eating bugs? I only wonder what would've happened if he had been a former septic tank cleaner.

Hot Linxxx

Since I'm feeling a bit too lazy to go fishing in the great News Ocean in search of the elusive Funny Post Shark, let me try to squeeze a few posts out by rummaging through my bookmarked websites.

(Rummage, rummage, rummage)

Ah, here's a shiny new toy! Have you been craving vulgar, misanthropic game reviews delivered in a clipped British accent at breakneck speed? I know--who hasn't? Well, then this website should be just up your alley.

PS. The word rummage got me thinking. Is there such a word as "ginnage"? How about "whiskeyage"? Or even--my personal favorite--"ouzage," which sounds like a French guy trying to say "sausage" while chewing on a croissant.

Bizarre Google Search 25

Well, it's getting late, and you folks best be gettin' on home before dark. But I leave you with a parting gift. Here's what Google spits out if you're crazy enough to search for "love for sale":


One word, and one word only: "rockin'".

Deep Thoughts on the Brett Favre Saga

I don't have a whole lot to add to all the sturm und drang over the Big Cheesehead's return. But I do have a message for the Packers' management: when a Hall-of-Fame quarterback coming off one of his best seasons wants to play for you, it just seems like a good idea to let him play.

"Shaving Private Ryan"

I'll let the opening paragraph speak for itself:

A French couple has been fined and given a four-month suspended prison sentence for making a pornographic video at the Vimy Ridge World War I Memorial in Canada, the U.K.'s Daily Telegraph reported.

Oh man, some hot man-on-woman-on-monument action! I can't wait to catch the next film in the series, "The Gettysburg Undress."

The War Continues

...I'm referring, of course, to the never-ending war between man and animal. The animals have struck again: a hippo at the Denver zoo bit a zookeeper on the hand, leaving a nasty gash. Already, the animal apologists at the zoo have begun to make excuses, saying things like "For all we know, Mahali thought he had an apple in his mouth, and he loves apples."

I got news for you pal. As far as Mahali is concerned, we're all just giant apples ripe for the devouring. Beware!

Mini-Review: The Dark Knight Redux

While I'm on the topic of Batman, I should mention that I caught The Dark Knight for a second time last night. I stand by most of my previous review. The film is brilliantly put together; there was no point where I found myself thinking "Boy, I could really go for some popcorn." Heath Ledger's performance is just as dynamite on second viewing. The explosions are still huge and billowing, the chases are still adrenaline-pumping, and the mood is still one of gloomy grandeur.

The only complaint I had was one of plot rather than production. Over and over again, the Joker says he's a force for anarchy. "Do I look like a guy with a plan to you?" he asks; the fact that he's wearing a nurse's uniform when he says this pretty much provides the answer. Everyone says the Joker is a force of chaos. Harvey Dent says it, Bruce Wayne says it, and Alfred tells a rambling war story proving it. And the Joker is plenty chaotic, shooting his own thugs, flipping 18-wheelers like micro machines, etc., etc.

Why, then, is anarchy personified such a meticulous plotter? The Joker's planning borders on the comically precise. He pulls off a heist with such brilliant timing that he knows the exact second the getaway car (or, in this case, getaway schoolbus) will show up. He orchestrates two murders with a convoluted plot involving DNA swabs, poison drinks, faux policemen, and a car bomb. He even manages to turn two ferries into floating bombs by filling them with barrels of oil--and he does all this while he's supposedly on the run from the cops!

Is the Joker a trickster god or a Bond villain in makeup? It's something I couldn't get over and it lingered like an itch in the back of my head throughout most of the movie. So: great movie, but I'm not so sure about the Joker's modus operandi.

Why So Serious?

I've never had my mug shot taken. I understand, though, that it's pretty difficult to produce a "good" mug shot (source: common sense). But fear not, reader. No matter how bad your mug shot might be, it will never be as utterly humiliating as this kid's. Well, at least he wasn't dressed up as the Penguin--or, God forbid, the Riddler.

Mmm...Butter

One of the best things I've seen all week: Mt. Buckeye, a sculpture commemorating Ohio's seven presidents in Mt. Rushmore style...and made out of pure, delicious butter.

Second from the right you can see my personal favorite president, William McKinley, finally getting the recognition he deserves. At far right is William Howard Taft, for whom Mt. Buckeye would be nothing more than a midmorning snack.

Touched by an Angel

I've got to give this guy credit for originality. After being arrested for making a bomb threat, a Wisconsin man claimed, and I quote, "'angelic beings' told him to start a war against his own government." In fact, I'd like to quote that again, it's just so absurd: "'angelic beings' told him to start a war against his own government."

I have to admit, the ambition of these angelic beings is heartening. When most people hear voices in their heads, they're just told to do little, piddling things like killing their boss or robbing a bank. But these voices want to bring down the whole government! A+ for effort, angels, though I'm going to have to dock you a few points on the flubbed execution.

Jump! Jump!

San Francisco is soliciting ideas for a "suicide barrier" to keep the suicidally-inclined from leaping off the Golden Gate Bridge. The Bridge, if you didn't know, was recently ranked the #1 Suicide Spot in the nation by "Suicide Today." Anyway, the leading candidate is a steel net beneath the railings that would catch jumpers. But that just seems so pedestrian, so dull, so...un-San Franciscan. I've come up with a few more creative solutions:

-Giant trampoline beneath the bridge
-Trained pigeons that will swoop down on jumpers and gently deposit them on the shore
-Raise the fee for suicide from $50 to $100
-Put a sign on the bridge that says "Attention: All people attempting suicide must jump from here" and then arrest anyone who shows up
-An enormous fan that will blow jumpers to safety when they fall past it

And my personal favorite: Station snipers on top of the Golden Gate, where they will then pick off anyone who appears to be contemplating suicide. It's foolproof!

Giving in to the Obvious Pun, I Shall Call this Post "Monkey Business"

If you're visiting Georgia--and if you are, my condolences--be sure to stop by the museum of the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. If you're extra-nice to the curator, maybe he'll let you see the one-and-only Monkey from Mars.

Note: This might not be the ONLY monkey from Mars, but I think it's a pretty safe bet.

The Perils of Recycling

Good idea: Recycling

Bad idea: Recycling something that doesn't belong to you

Very, very bad idea: Trying to recycle a 40-foot tall street lamp by claiming that it's yours

"Boy, officer, my kids got me this for my birthday and I just never got a chance to use it the darn thing. So I figure, why not do my part to help the environment?"

QuikThought (TM)

A good name for a bar trivia team would be "The Academia Nuts."

Bizarre Google Search 15

While I'm in the bigfoot vein (band name alert), I'll wrap up the day with a Bizarre Google Search for "beholding bigfoot." So, uh, behold!

Obama--bigfoot? I report, you decide.

PROOF!

Behold! Tangible proof that Bigfoot exists! Real, concrete, impossible-to-falsify evidence! We got it right here, and we got it now!

Wait--you want to see it for yourself? Well, be prepared; it might just bowl you over! Forever after, you will remember the day when you first set eyes upon: a pair of two-inch-long hairs! Bwa ha ha! Try denying Bigfoot now!

The Truth is Out There, Y'all

Because you have a lot of free time, why not waste a little by reading "The M-Files"? Real live Mississippians recounting their UFO sightings--what could be more entertaining?

One woman says she saw a UFO that looked like "a blue moon." No word on whether it was standing alone.

Travel Tip #76: Always Tie Your Luggage Down

Here's a funny story. Once my mom got a phone call while she was doing some yard work. She took the call, chatted for a bit, and when she was done talking she laid the phone on the roof of our minivan with the intention of bringing it back in later. Unfortunately, she forgot. So the next time she drove off, the phone went with her. We never saw that phone again.

Why am I writing this? Because a similar thing happened on Long Island, only about a skerjillion times worse.

Cowabunga!

Dateline--Scotland. The Scotch coast guard were called out a few days back in order to deal with a local emergency. The locals had spotted a whole herd of cows wallowing in the ocean and, assuming it was some mass bovine suicide, called the authorities.

Thankfully, it turns out the cows were just trying to keep cool. But it's given me an idea. The old series "Baywatch" is just ripe for a revival. How about an updated Baywatch set in Scotland? No, no, hear me out! The first episode would be about this cow-thing, of course. They could go looking for Loch Ness; they could rescue cod fishermen off the Orkneys; they could save a herd of Shetland ponies from drowning.

The only disadvantage can be summed up in two words: tartan bikinis.

Mini-Review: The Dark Knight

I saw "The Dark Knight" on Thursday and can say with some authority that it's a very good movie. Probably better than "Batman Begins," which was dragged down by the its villain's staggering lameness. Certainly better than all of those Clooney/Kilmer nightmares with their S&M batsuits and bad guys so campy you expected them to burst into song. Only the original "Batman" could challenge The Dark Knight's claim as the best movie ever made about the Caped Crusader.

The strong points: a lot of critics called The Dark Knight operatic. And no, that's not because Christian Bale was belting out arias like "Alfredo, mi batmobilo!" The movie was grand, in a solemn and brooding sort of way. Other superhero films--even good ones like "Spider-Man"--stray into goofiness now and again. Not so with this movie. Everything was exquisitely paced, from the opening robbery (featuring, among other things, a schoolbus used as a getaway car) to the tense standoff at the end.

Of course Heath Ledger was great. Everyone's said everything that can be said about his Joker. He was slimy, terrifying, disgusting, compelling, not a cartoon character but a maniac in gruesome make-up. Oscar-worthy? Maybe. The sympathy vote is going to be hard to overcome, even if poor Heath is a bit unable to receive said sympathy. Christian Bale did a fine job too, although the script didn't ask much from him: be a cypher as Bruce Wayne, and growl a lot when you're Batman.

Nearly every movie has a supreme flaw that keeps it from soaring into the movie stratosphere to hang out with the likes of "The Godfather." In The Dark Knight's case, the movie's just too darn complicated. Accuse me of having a small brain if you want. But I just couldn't follow the knotty double and triple crosses running through the movie's midsection. And car chases are always exciting, but it helps when you can understand who's the chaser and who's the chasee. At times, comprehension took a back seat to combustion, as fireballs swallowed up everything in sight.

But I'd still give it a good, solid, A. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

Geiger Counter

Hmmm...now they say your granite countertops might be puffing out little wisps of radioactive gas. When you combine that with all the news about cell phones causing cancer, I predict that by the year 2050 we'll all be reduced to living inside sterile plastic bubbles. Until, of course, we discover sterile plastic bubbles raise your risk of spleenular cancer by 2%.

On the plus side: with all these radiation-emitting things lying around, can it be long before we see our first superhero mutant?

Somethin' Screwy

"Steve, you imbecile! Didn't you get the memo? We stopped putting screws in our apple pie back in 2007!"

In all seriousness--more precisely, in as much seriousness as the case of the screwed pie deserves--doesn't this seem a bit fishy (I'm going to avoid to obvious pun for once) to you? I'd like to see some statistics on how many of these "weird foreign objects in my fast food!" stories turn out to phony.

Then, I'd like to see the guy who collected those statistics. I imagined he would have some pretty crazy stories to tell. "Yeah, I remember that time some lady claimed she found a human spleen in her Dixie Cup..."

Oh, Those French!

"Velcome to zee French Riviera, sir. 'Ow may I help you?"

"Yes, I'm spending the week here and wanted to pick up my hotel key."

"Vairy good, sir. May I see your ID?"

"Here you are."

"And your reservation ticket?"

"Got it right here."

"Now, vill you please strip naked for evaluation?"

"Uh..."

Russian Science in Action

Pravda headline: "Too much water may become killer poison for human being."

Interesting. I will have to add water to my long-running list of "things that will kill you when taken in ridiculous doses." Here's the list so far:

1) Everything

Thank you, Pravda, for helping me to expand this. I only hope it will help future generations.

Mile High Clubbin'

Drinking makes you do craaazy things. Things like attacking an airline stewardess mid-flight and then trying to wrench open the plane's door. There's a reason those things have child-safety locks, people!

Double Nickels on the Dime

If you must read one thing today, read this. It's the most moving, gripping, heart-wrenching story about the speed limit you'll ever read. And I'd say that even if I hadn't written it.

Bizarre Google Search XIV

Well, I'm tired and it's time for beddy-bye. But first, a Bizarre Google Search for "in the flesh.":


I see no flesh here...

Don't Tangle with Late Wednesday

"Man dies after stabbing late Wednesday in west Tulsa"

Via Oklahoma City's "Daily Oklahoman"

From "Barry Zelf's Guide to Beginning Burglars"

Chapter 12: What Not to Steal

By now you should be familiar with the sort of things you should try to steal: small but costly things like watches, jewelry, iPods, and cookies. Equally important, though, are the things any good crook will just pass by.

1) Anything alive--Whether it's a cat, a dog, or a baby, taking a living thing is a hazardous proposition. Ever read a little story called "The Ransom of Red Chief"?
2) Anything you can't carry by yourself--Sure, that chair looks tempting. But do you really think you can outrun the law when you're lugging a Barcalounger behind you?
3) Anything that says "contains a tracking device"--Most of these labels are fake. But it's not the sort of thing you want to bet on.
4) If you're robbing a rickety old building, for God's sake don't steal the beam that's holding the damn roof up.

The Florida Files

The scene: Florida. The actors: a man, a woman, and a fox.

Scene 1: Fox attacks woman
Scene 2: This being Florida, man immediately goes for gun
Scene 3: Man goes nuts with gun, pumping seven rounds into the fox and fragging his wife in the process.


The lesson: I know one woman who's going to be getting a hell of a good gift for her wedding anniversary this year.

Every Vote Counts

Is your votin' finger getting itchy in anticipation of the presidential election? Give it some relief by voting in the ongoing race for AMERICA'S BEST PUBLIC RESTROOM. My advice: go for Tennessee's Heritage Hotel. I know everyone says the Iowa 80 Truck Stop is going to win running-away, but I dunno. I always thought it was kind of overrated.

Of course, it I had a druther or two, I would have nominated the men's bathroom on the first floor of Graham Memorial. It really can't be beat, at least as far as bathrooms are concerned.

I Laught at (Someone Else's) Death

Tee hee. A Virginia man executed for murder gave the following as his last words: "Tell the governor he just lost my vote." He was a bit miffed that Gov. Tim Kaine refused to pardon him, y'see. He also said "I'm just dying to get out of here." If he hadn't turned to murder as a career, he could've made a killing on the stand-up circuit.

As an added bonus, please enjoy this list of execution-related quips, courtesy "The Book of Lists."

"Are you sure it's safe?"
-William Palmer, eying the gallows on which he was to be hanged

"Nothing will happen I get there."
-Guy Clark, being told to hurry up on his way to the scaffold.

"I've always wanted to try everything once...Let's go!"
-Jesse Walter Bishop, a more adventurous man than I

"I have a terrific headline for you in the morning: 'French fries.'"
-James Donald French, just before his execution

Puffin Stuff

Uh-oh. First it was the honeybees. Now, puffins are dying off for reasons known only to God. But fear not! When you look at a puffin, you realize they were living on borrowed time anyway. No species with a big, goofy, rainbow-strippled beak is long for this world.

PS. The headline is "Unexpected Fall in Puffin Numbers." Are there people whose job it is to expect these things?

Mamma M.I.A.

My apologies for not posting anything yesterday. I'd feel even more broken up about it if someone actually cared. To quote Charlie Brown, (Sigh).

Bizarre Google Search XI

Now for a bit of meta-tude: I give you the bizarre google search for "Bizarre Google Search":


Bwa ha ha! BEHOLD MY CREATION

Mini-Review: "Will in the World"

I just finished reading Stephen Greenblatt's Shakespeare semi-biography "Will in the World," and I highly recommend it--assuming you're into Shakespeariana. If you're a beginner who wants just the facts (as I was...and still am) this might not be your best bet. It's less a straightforward, born-here lived-here died-here biography. The subtitle sums it up best "How Shakespeare Became Shakespeare."

Turns out that Shakespeare becoming Shakespeare is a fascinating story. Greenblatt does a good job of taking the most tenuous of things--a page from a diary, letters found in the attic--and spinning a plausible connection between them and Shakespeare's plays. Shakespeare grabs hold of James I's book on witches (he was real into witches) and transforms it into the Weird Sisters. He sees a masque staged for Queen Elizabeth (featuring a giant mechanical dolphin!) and from that we get "A Midsummer Nights Dream."

So, in short, it's a good book, a fascinating book, a rather dense book. If you're not interested in a deep character analysis of Shylock, among other things, then stay away for your own sake. But if you want to go a bit deeper then "Shakespeare: How Great Was He?," I'd give it a hearty two thumbs up.

We now return to our regular diet of bizarre news items and lame jokes. Pardon the interruption.

Facebook 'Em, Danno

Some medical students are finding out that those Facebook pictures of them groping their classmates while drinking heavily are not quite as...not-seen as previously thought.

Uh-oh. Does this mean I should quit "Neo-Fascist Cokeheads Who Hate Blacks & Gays"? But then the Grand Dragon would get mad at me!

Shhh...It's a Secret!

John McCain, you tricky devil! Are you planning to announce your VP tomorrow? The fellow who posted this speculates that, because he's stopping in Ohio, McCain might be planning to pick one of a pair of buckeyes: Rob Portman or John Kasich.

I say: good show, John! You've obviously considered your candidacy and decided what you really need is an obscure middle-aged white guy! That'll give you a shot in the arm for sure! The Dems won't know what him 'em when John Kasich comes a-knockin' on their door!

Maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe Rob Portman will turn out to be the most thrilling VP pick since Jack Kemp. But...I doubt it.

Reading Tony Robbins in Tehran

Headline from the Christian Science Monitor: "What they're reading in Tehran":

Well, they ARE reading Tony Robbins. They're also reading "Harry Potter," "The Kite Runner," and "The Secret," the last of which really concerns me. If they all start wishing for, say, the destruction of Israel, doesn't that mean it's inevitable?

As for me: I'm planning to release a series of popular books edited for discriminating Iranian readers (and censors). Some possible titles:

"If You Give a Jew a Country"
"Mullah Poppins"
"A Tale of Two Cities, One of Which is Tel Aviv and Will Be Wiped from the Map"
"Prejudice & Prejudice"
"Reading Lolita in Tehran is a Crime"
"Night" (With an alternate ending, as well as an alternate beginning and middle)
"Brave Jew World"

A work in progress, I admit.

Screw the Planet!

Well, I'm off the fire up the old SUV, crank up on the air conditioning, and basically do everything I possibly can the warm up this ol' globe of ours. Why am I so heartless, you ask? Well, global warming may be bad and all. But on the other hand: more kittens!

So please, fellow citizens: warm the globe, for the sake of all of us. We may be hotter, true, but if we each have a kitten to cuddle then things will turn out OK in the end.

PS. We would also kill off the polar bears, and you're well aware of my stance on them.

QuikHaiku (TM)

Five syllables is
A lot harder than seven
Because it's two less

The War Continues

"California Woman Attacked by Bear Should Recover." Take that, bears! You act all big and tough when you're eating Russian geologists, but now you're dealing with red-blooded Americans! And we won't be intimidated by gigantic, hairy terrorists like you!

Caught Red-Selfed

A New Orleans bank robber, after pulling off a reasonably successful heist--he threatened the teller by saying he would shoot both her AND himself, a rather curious form of intimidation--and was almost in the clear when--to his horror, and my amusement--a package of red dye in the bag of money blew up. This led the thief to stand out, as New Orleans has a very small population of neon-red people.

No pictures, sadly, so use your imagination.

Definitely the Work of a Hoser

There are horrendous crimes. There are major crimes. There are minor crimes. There are very minor crimes. There are unspeakably petty crimes. There are crimes so trivial and insignificant as to defy any logical understanding.

And then, on another level completely, is the dreaded Milford Pantyhose Bandit.

PS. Isn't Milford the town where "Gil Thorp" is set? Somebody get Coach Kaz on the case, stat!

Bizarre Google Search 4

Well, how 'bout some post-play entertainment? For all you very special audience members out there, we've got a real treat in store: a Bizarre Google Search for "fahren auf der Autobahn!"


Was? Das ist nicht Deutschland! Bin ich verruckt?

Scene: A Home in Chicken Leg, Tennessee

Mom: Oh, dear. With gas prices running so high, we can't afford our planned vacation to Little Rock!

Dad: Don't worry, hon. I've found a place that's going to be twice as fun!

Mom: Oh, how could anything hope to compare to Little Rock? We were going to see the state capitol...and the peanut memorial, too...

Dad: Ho! Nothing compare, eh? State Capitol, eh? Peanut memorial, eh? Sounds like someone's never heard of the "Treasures from Attics and Trunks" exhibit at the Blount County Historical Museum!

Mom: Wait...treasures from attics AND from trunks?

Dad: That's right! There might even be treasures from chests, cabinets, wardrobes...anything you can think of.

Mom: Wow! Suddenly, our crushingly small life doesn't seem quite so hopeless! Let's go grab the kids!

Note: All cash earned from performances of this play are owed to me

HOLY CANNOLI!

THE ANIMAL UPRISING HAS COME AT LAST! PREPARE YOURSELVES, PEOPLE! FIRST, THEY CAME FOR THE RUSSIAN GEOLOGISTS IN KAMCHATKA! NEXT, THEY WILL BE COMING FOR YOU! HIDE YOUR CHILDREN--OR, IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT, PREPARE TO USE THEM AS BAIT! ARM YOURSELVES! LEG YOURSELVES! BE PREPARED!

Now Say "Ahh..." Oh, Sorry, Force of Habit

"Colon Exams Made Simpler."

I didn't actually bother to read the story, because you can pick up most of it from the title: there are colon exams. At one point, they were complicated. Now, they are simpler.

Instead, I tried to think of what the simplest possible colon exam could be. Possibilities:

1) Tongue depressor...a very long tongue depressor
2) Punching patient in gut and saying "Does this hurt more than it should?"
3) Guesstimation
4) Garden hose with camcorder attached

Just writing that last one made me wince. I can only hope it did the same for you.

King Arthur and the Quest for "Megafish"

Note: guy in the following story is not actually King Arthur.

Watch out, fish world! An American scientist is on the prowl, and he's out to capture your king. Drawn by urban legends about gigantic freshwater stingrays (And then the cop said: We've traced the call. It's coming from the stingray shop above you! BUT IT WAS TOO LATE! Sorry for the interruption) Zeb Hogan has boldly ventured into Cambodia looking for the world's largest freshwater fish. And if he finds that legendary fish--a fish so big it could dwarf even the mythic White Sturgeon--he will...uh...have a really big fish on his hands.

Mr. Hogan (or "Zeb" to his friends) validates my hypothesis that no one can be a scientist without being a little crazy. Or, as in the case of guys like Isaac Newton, a lot crazy. Is there a direct correlation between craziness/brilliance?

Hmmm....if there is...consider this. God is omniscient, right? So, er-go, he is the most brilliant thing in existence, right? And so, wouldn't he be the craziest thing in existence?

My blog: proving God is crazy since 2008

Chinese Whispers

Poll #1: "Most in China Happy with Country's Direction"
Poll #2: "Most in China Happy with Having a Gun Held to Their Head While Participating in Poll"

Did You Know...

That Pac-Man was originally going to be called Puck-Man? He was, that is, until some exec with a rhyming dictionary realized that one of those words had a very naughty sound-alike. Hint: the word wasn't "man."

Why do I bring that up? Because of this doodle I found on the Village Voice. I have no idea what to make of it, besides a blog post. I do have to appreciate Ms. Pac-Man's sympathy, though.

Aww, Man!

I flunked by Pre-Calc class! I'll never get into North Pole University now! I swear, if I gotta fall back on South Pole State I'm gonna be so pissed at Mr. Wyzerski...

A Sticky Wicket

A disgruntled climate change activist made headlines today when he tried to super-glue himself to British PM Gordon Brown. He failed, which was too bad, because if only he had succeeded, climate change would have been history!

Please, God, let this trend catch on in America. I look forward to presidential press conferences being enlivened by the sight of dozens of glue-covered protesters being beaten back by secret service agents like zombies in a cheap horror film.

Bizarre Google Search P

Now for the cherry on top of this frothy whipped cream of posts: a Bizarre Google Search for "state of confusion."


Well...uh...OK.

Subway Story

Man, you get all kinds of crazies on the subway. I know that very well, having spent the last two months in Washington, District of Columbia. While the Metro is cleaner and easier to understand than, say, the New York Subway System, you'll still see the occasional guy who seems...a few cars short of a full train, if you catch my drift.

But I've never seen anything like the guy described in this San Francisco Chronicle story. So a guy wearing an "Indiana Jones-style hat" gets on a train, acts weird, drops a box with wires sticking out of it, and then pries a window off the train and jumps out? I'd say: call Jack Bauer. Or, if he's unavailable, just call the cops. Never trust a man wearing an Indiana Jones-style hat. Unless, of course, the man in question IS Indiana Jones.

Jarhead

Ralph was a curious little kitty. He ran around the house. He played with string. He chased the shadows on the floor. Ralph loved looking at things. And one day, he saw the biggest, shiniest thing he had ever seen. He walked up to it. He looked inside. And then...

Oops.

?????

Please to be finding me a headline more incomprehensible than this:

"Roar will be the fine young cannibals of Queensland market, says Farina."

I've read this about a dozen times, and the only words I'm sure about are "will," "the," "of," and "says." And I'm not completely sure about that last one.

This is one of those headlines where it's much more fun to make up your own story; the facts of the facts could never live up to such a sublimely ludicrous name. Is "Roar" an up-and-coming new band in the mold of Fine Young Cannibals? Is "Farina" some kind of mystic? Who knows?

No, Roo, No!

As if Australia weren't hellish enough already--now the kangaroos are turning vicious. This woman was only spared a violent kangaroo-flavored death thanks to the timely intervention of her dog. Good boy! When the time of reckoning comes for the animal kingdom, we'll remember which side you fought with.

QuikThoughts (TM)

When Barack Obama travels to Israel, will he meet with Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak? And if they have a friendly get-together, will we see the headline "Barack Backs Barak?"

And what if they meet in a barracks? The possibilities are endless.

Bizarre Google Post I

Aaaaaand, ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages, but mostly of the childhood age, would you please put your mitts together for today's Bizarre Google Post: "Mr. Bad Example":



That's all the time we have for today, kids! Be sure to tune in tomorrow!

ALL Films?

Headline from Tass: "Kiev's Court Says All Films Should be Dubbed into Ukrainian."

I, for one, can't wait to see the hit new film "Kitovitch Kittrovsky: A Ukrainian Girl."

I Think That I Shall Never See/My Cataracts Are Blinding Me

Hey hey hey! You poetry-o-philes out there (to use the technical Latin term) will be excited to hear America has a new poet laureate: Kay Ryan! Congratulations, Kay! We can only hope she will use her awesome powers responsibly.

Of course, we're all familiar with the ethical travails of some of our earlier poet laureates. There was Ted Kooser, who stained the office with his last-minute pardons of notorious poetry offenders like J.J. Redick. There was the infamous Robert Hass, convicted of selling top-secret Department of Defense limericks to the Chinese Special Poetry Services. And Mark Strand, forced to resign after the appearance of the "Smoking Pun" tape. Criminals all! We can only hope Kay Ryan will restore honor and dignity to the post of poet laureate.

No One Honors My Name Pt. 2

A group of British psychologists with a lot of free time recently released a groundbreaking study on how our names influence our lives. Short summary: if you're named after British royalty, or if you're a celebrity baby with a goofy name, you'll live a happy and fruitful life. If not, well, tough noogies. (or, as my spellcheck recommends, "tough boogies")

Nicholas Cage, for instance, named his kid Kal-El. Scoff if you will (and I know you will, because I sure did), but the study says the kid "has a short, hard-sounding name which is also the original moniker of Superman, making it sexy and attractive." Please, God, don't let stupid people hear about this study or they'll all start naming their kids after superheroes. Kindergarten roll call will sound like a meeting of the Justice League.

How about my name? I do, after all, share my moniker with a few former kings of Britain. Most of them, however, are notable for little more than the way they snuffed it.

William I: Killed by a fall from his horse; broke in half while being crammed into his coffin
William II Rufus: Arrow'd in a suspicious hunting accident
William III: Broke his neck after his horse stumbled on a molehill

Quite a noble name I've got there.

Embarassed Admission, No. 537

I've been listening to a lot of ABBA for the past few weeks. Arrgghh! I said it! I just can't stop listening to "Waterloo" over...and over...and over again. I can't even excuse myself by explaining that I just watched "Mamma Mia!" and, because of said "Mamma Mia!," have the songs stuck in my head. I chose to download ABBA's greatest hits of my own volition.

All I can say is: thank God I don't have any indy cred to lose. It would've been torn to shreds long ago, about the time I downloaded "Elton John's Greatest Hits" onto my iPod. Oh, c'mon, like you've never listened to Crocodile Rock twelve times in a row.

Looking through my music library, I would have to list the following bands as my guiltiest pleasures. In no particular order:

ABBA
The Turtles
Gordon Lightfoot
Zager & Evans
Tommy James
a-ha
Def Leppard (OK, I confess to feeling particularly guilty about this one)

Thankfully, I can explain them all away by saying "It's ironic!"

No One Honors My Name

"Jim Smiths Gather to Honor Jim Smiths"

...But of course!

I Thought This Only Worked in Movies

A Texas prisoner found a novel way to combine his two loves, dieting and escaping from prison. He lost weight until he was skinny enough to slip out of through an air vent. Now there's a business idea: the "Escape from a Hellhole of Boredom and Male Rape Diet." It would kick Atkins's ass!

The story also notes that the Texas Rangers were called out to join the hunt. What, when they're only third in the AL West?

"...I Meant Gandhi"

Quick! Before it's too late! You have only three hours left to watch "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" while it's still free! I admit, I had never seen anything by Joss Whedon before I watched this. Not Buffy, not Firefly, not nothing. Now, though, I might have to start. Curse you, Dr. Horrible! I can't afford to rent any more DVDs!

Take His Breath Away

Dominic Bakewell, of 80s band Berlin fame (or, to be more accurate, 80s band Berlin "fame") recently underwent surgery to remove a brain tumor. Why is this news, do you ask? A fair question. Here's why it's news: in order to help the surgeons map his brain, he had to sing. On the operating table. While his brain was being cut open. No word on whether he sang any tunes in particular, although one hopes it wasn't Pink Floyd's "Brain Damage."

Death March of the Penguins

Hundreds of dead penguins are washing up on the shores of Brazil. And most of them were babies. The only way this could get worse is if dead puppies and kittens started washing up alongside them.

Personally? I blame Michael Bay.

Mr. Smith Goes to Town

There's nothing I like better than a brutal movie review, and few people do that better than the New York Post's Kyle Smith. Today, the victim is the execrable-sounding Space Chimps, featuring the vocal talents of the legendary Andy Samberg. Take it away, Kyle!

Waterin' the Garden, If You Catch My Drift

The key paragraph from this story:

Barton Grange Garden Centre at Brock claim to the first business in the UK to install designer floral urinals in the men's toilets.

The first business to install designer floral urinals? Somehow, I doubt there's a lot of competition for that title.

However, this story did get me thinking about other potential urinals (side note: "Potential Urinals" goes in my "Good Band Name" file) How about a dentist's office where the urinals are shaped like cavity-filled teeth? Or what if a funeral home had casket-shaped urinals? The mind boggles!

StumbleUpon...

...Is indeed a wonderful thing. Without it, how would I have found this "Make Your Own Jackson Pollock Painting" site? Can YOU match up next to the undisputed master of abstract expressionism?